I wrote a joke about being horny and the punchline was misspelled and so the damn thing was interpreted as a desperate sounding board for the sexually challenged.
As much as I love the new found attention (after all, I am a blonde and a Leo)... and I have learned that sex really does sell....
I was just trying to be funny!!
Being horny and being desperate are two very different things...and while I want to thank the guys who were willing to put their penis on the line for me...
I just have to say...
THE FOLLOWING STATEMENT IS SARCASM: if I wanted gross sex with a stranger, I would go to craiglslist and get 'massage man'..at least I would make a $100..THIS IS THE END OF THE SARCASM!!
Blondes need to use Spell check!!
It has been three months and I can't even concentrate on reading, let alone writing blogs.
I am certain whoever gets in between my legs will need medical attention after I am done exploiting every inch of their masculinity..
Unfortunately I need that connection.....and as tough as it seems..I will go another 3 dreaded, dry, run out of batteries (for my neck massager) look like every man is a piece of meat--- months if I have too!!
I think after a certain amount of time without IT you get to reclaim virginity anyway!
I went to lunch with someone today and I could barely make conversation..
all I could master in my little blonde bubble at the moment was polite conversation while milling over the following thoughts:
he could be potential..
he is a big guy..
big guys tend to be smaller..
I wonder how football players are hung?
wonder how big it is...
wonder how good he is?
damn..he is a big guy
I bet its nice sized
damn..I need my neck massager
after realizing I zoned out, I shook the air out of my head and refocused my attention to the conversation....
I'm sorry Pastor..what were you saying?
Blondes really shouldn't be so bad!!
Male seeking woman to eat frog legs with.. yes frog legs.. I have 5 sets of legs, thats 10 individual legs, and 50 little froggie toes...
Should we BBQ them, broil, bake, fry? Make a soup possibly? Oh the ways we could season them!
We can start with frog legs and go from there... tuna steak, king crab, gulf shrimp, bay scallops, seaweed salad, magic mushrooms.... it's all in the fridge....
Must be 420 friendly (because you have to be high to eat all that shit).
Blondes feel really bad for Freaks..for they know not what they are!!
I don't like ugly photos of me hanging around! When I die or go missing and people are digging threw photos of me..do I really need them to see the photos my boyfriend took right after we had sex, or the photo where I just jammed a huge bite of hot dog in my mouth, or the the endless photos of me with a drink in my hand..actually those I keep because it means I'm partying and I always look good partying!!
How about the photo at Christmas open gifts..we are all in our robes, bed head and eye crust..or the endless shots taken of me bending over..thanks Mother!! Seriously!!
However, I do keep the bad photos of my friends and family because they are just too damn funny!!
"What the hell are you doing?!"
"I'm throwing away the photos of me I don't like"
"You can't do that!!"
"I know ..its history..blah, blah.."
"GIVE ME MY PHOTOS BACK"
GIVE ME MY DAMN PHOTOS"
"Your Photos?, There My Face!!"
"Get The Hell Out of My Photo Albums"
"Jeez Sis...chill out..I will throw the bad ones of you away if you want..theres a lot!! "
She Grabs the photos from my hand..I needed quick thinking here..
"Alright, Sis..I will trade you the photo where you just vomitted on your boyfriend if you let me keep the one of me with mayonnaise on the corner of my mouth"
"Fine..Here...Now Do you have some where else to go?!"
"I suppose I can go clean out lil' Sis photo albums"
Ring, Ring, Ring
"Hey Sis, I was gonna come over"
"Constance called. I already hid the photos of you on the toilet"
"Bitch!! Fine...I will trade you the one where you are peeing on the side of the road for the one of me on the lue"
"Great, be over in a minute"
"Carol, my dear friend...Want to drink wine and look at old photos?"
Blondes always get double prints before trading!!!
My Mother has a studio in the house. My Father wanted to build one for her but she decided the little guest room in the corner with the atrium windows would be perfect and no need to go the extra expense plus she like the deer that roam on that side of the house.
Imagine a lovely never used guest room with silk covers on the bed, long flowing shantung drapes, vintage pillows, a small satin chaise for sitting and a beautiful woven
Now imagine the apocalypse and this lovely guest room was ground zero!!
Old photos, books, magazines and newspapers cover the entire 400 sq ft room, no rug in sight accept for underneath the window where bird seed and deer food have been grounded into the rug and beginning to sprout plants.
The paintings all hang crooked on the wall to make room for leaning canvases. The furniture has been shoved against the wall, the satin linens have been replaced with a army of feather comfoters and pillows layered like the princess in the pea..must be to protect my Mother from a posssible air raid. A crater has been dug out from the debris on the floor to make room for her to stand as she paints still lifes of rocks..
Yes, I did say rocks!!
We know about the secret refrigerator in the room because of the trail of crumbs that cannot be vacuumed off of piles of books and drawing paper.
The maid refuses to go in afraid she might never find her way out.
The Father usually just pokes his head in from the safety of the hall way and always has the same expression and shaking of his head when he looks in the room.
Dad, "When are you going to clean this room?"
Mom, "What? I have been cleaning ..don't you see the carpet in that corner?"
Mom, "Well, if you can't see how hard I cleaned..just go...Im always cleaning this room..you just don't see it"
Dad, "I would see it if it were clean" Shakes his head and walks away.
My Mother's mess is like the plague..if you don't contain it..it slowly begins to drift into other parts of the house and even the car where one can find cheese, apples and bananas rotting under the seat.
We are fairly certain that if my Father dies before our Mother...we will have to put her down otherwise she will make headlines in the paper as social services takes her from the house.
"Woman found after weeks of Digging!!"
Blondes love their Mom's unconditionally because no one else would!!
Burned my twat with hair removal product
Froze my ass off standing nude in a creek
Fried my Brain reading a bunch of bad blogs
Sprained my fingers having sex with myself
Stubbed my toe trying to make a foot fetish video
Bit my cheek eating a candy cane
Blondes have to have a sense of humor!!!
HAPPY HOLIDAY Y"ALL!!!!
I decided I was too lazy to fight holiday traffic and head to the spa to get a wax. I am having photos done and I would like to be well coiffed for the session.
I had a bottle of hair removal in the cabinet and thought..this is harmless....
Squeeze a bunch on my hand..
slather it all over the tutu and bunny hole
I can't wait to be baby smooth..OH Yeah!!
Ignoring the time limit to make sure I was really smooth..
I started to feel a little tingle
Hmmm...its burning a bit
Hmmm..maybe I should rinse
Ummm..nope..wait a few more seconds....
OK..it kinda really burns now
Ok.. rinse now...Rinse Now!!!
I burned my tutu off ...
burned the tutu like someone set a match to it!!
Blondes need to follow directions!
I tell you..I could not write this stuff myself..well...actually I am writing it but the guys part of the dialog is priceless..better than the married man on myspace!!!
I can't wait to make it a series of short films..once I get my DAMN CAMERA!!!
Exerts from the seedy arena of adult gigs:
Names have not been changed to protect the idiot ...who used his real name!
How big is the house, where is it located..
I am not really a maid but I can clean a house. I need the extra money.
Very nice photo, you look classy and nice. Would you be open to sensual massage and adult fun? Jimmy
My Mom pays the maid for that and she just cleans
$100 every two weeks and maybe once a week? and I won't even make you clean?
Seems really low but this is Texas
$175 for once every two weeks and
$150 for once a week
and I don't clean....we are talking hand cleaning not clean inside and out.
Inside and out and I can only afford a hundred.....
The price is fixed..no negotiations
Okay I appreciate your honesty. I'll keep your email if I can budget that. Until then if you change your mind please let me know.
Thanks and hope you have a wonderful holiday,
and than he added his photo to the email..schmuckk!!
Blondes should not find things like this funny!!!
Nope, No way, my cat, Horny Cat, brother to Crack Cat, likes backpacks, knapsacks and gym bags.
He starts rubbing on them, getting himself into a little frenzy of slobbering love and if by God you go near his nylon affectionate substitute before he has time to finish off in the zippered pocket you should expect to lose skin.
It just so happened Horny Cat was making love to my laptop bag and I needed it to check myspace blogs…dammit!!
You can see my urgency..cat cum or blog..it was a simple choice for me really!!
Determined to retrieve my bag unscathed, I like any smart blonde who doesn't like to scar, I volunteered the services of my male compadre'.
"Oh Boo…;We have a Crisis!!"
Being the ever so wonderful friend hoping to one day get laid, he swiftly came (no pun intended) and whisked Horny Cat off the bag thus helping me retrieve my laptop
The problem was…Horny Cat was not done with his knapsack time and needed to finish so he chose to continue his seuel of Pussy Pillow 3 on my friends napsack. Disgusted by the whole affair my so called friend whipped Horny Cat off his nap sack and throws him in my room still with his pink spiky mancatliness whipping about.
Confused and obviously stricken with blue kitty balls . Horny Cat sat in the corner of my room with a confused and hurt expression on his face wondering why his back pack betrayed his love.
Here horny Cat..Here's my Back Pack..Dammit!!
Blondes believe in Animal's Rights to Fetishes!!
Work has been very slow and I have been modeling again. In Austin there is not much to pick from and so I surf craigslist at work on the work computer.
O.K. so I click on Talent under the Gigs...
I scroll through
hmmm...this one looks alright
Must be for shoes or even better ...boots!!
Please check out our web page for more detail
If you are older than 18 click here
18? hmm....Why do you have to be 18 to buy shoes?!
Maybe they are really sexy shoes!! or even better sexy thigh high boots!!
Delete History File!!
Blondes didn't know penis was a foot accessory!!
The Dickens Village tree--
The glass Bird menagerie tree
The fresh tree where only 3-6 tinsel strings may be applied
The Disney tree
and the prodigal grandson's tree
There will be 4 lighted reindeer outside
3 large wooden nutcrackers
2 train sets
and one x-mas scam:
Mother to Eldest daughter, "So your father only gave me so much for presents this year and I have to buy all these people gifts..I don't know how I can afford it all"
Eldest daughter to Mother, "Thats alright Mother you don't have to get me anything"
next phone call
Mother to youngest daughter, "So your father only gave me so much for presents this year and I have to buy all these people gifts..I don't how to afford it all"
Youngest daughter to Mother, "That's alright Mother you don't have to get me anything"
next phone call
Mother to middle daughter, "So your father only gave me so much for presents this year and I have to buy all these people gifts..I don't how to afford it all"
Middle daughter to Mother, "Thats alright Mother you don't have to get me anything"
so Christmas closes in and Mother has purchased nothing, Father scrambles to to buy last minute gifts and I hear mumbling on the phone in the background...something about a swiss bank account...
HAPPY BEGINNING OF THE HOLIDAYS!!
In gypsy like stealthiness she answers the door, grab the box from the post man, and quickly tucks it behind the bird menagerie Christmas tree waiting for the moment when she is alone in the house, not a creature is stirring not even the crack cat's stuffed mouse and than....
She opens the package
She takes the candy she knows we like
and hides it away
than she leaves the candy we don't like
knowing it will stay
than she tosses out the name tags
claiming none were ever found
carefully peels away the wrapping paper
without making a sound
keeps what she likes
puts the rest back inside
thinking she is clever
she claims it just arrived
along with a swiss bank account..we think she runs a gift shop somewhere in Provence.
Blondes get a detailed packing list from friends and family now!!
Blondes hate fees attached to their moments!!
My offices are next to the business office of the pastor of a newly formed ministry. The Pastors have no regard for the signs regarding parking, they are arrogant and rude and when you go to there website the only thing they preach is trying to convert more people.
There is no talk of helping communities, or the hungry or the poor...Nope Its just convert, convert, convert...
Oh yah!!! Did I tell you the offices are located in the higher end district in Austin while the church is on the East side smack in the middle of the lower income district.
Why can't they keep their offices with the church..hhhmmmmmm
Half these people who go to this church struggle everyday to put food on the table but these Pastors con the very grocery money out of their hands based on the bible and God's needs. I also tried to find who they serve in the community. Nobody, nothing, Nada...no hunger, no homeless, no charities do they affiliate themselves with what-so-ever.
They say on their website they are a cosmopolitan bible community..
What the hell is that?
They are about as country as country gets..Cosmopolitan on the East side of town..I don't think so...
There is no God in their office except for the one that lives on the dollar bill..
Save your money..God doesn't need it!!! and if you want to spend it..Give directly to the homeless ,the animal shelter, orphanages. Stop giving money in in the name of God..
Give your prayers, give your love but for God's sake stop giving these people money.
Blondes hate con artists that prey on faith!!!
How would you like to be followed around and have your picture taken at the most unglamorous times in your life to reveal your cellulite and saggy stuff.
Even more fun..how about having your photos plastered over the internet so people who are bored can find entertainment and amusement at your less than lovely predicament.
...and how disgusting do I feel that I am looking at your photos going "Oh..My..God, that is bad!!"? Actually not very at all and I will tell you why.
As shallow as it is that I feel better about my body looking at others with worse flaws than me..I also came to the conclusion that the photos had other things that made me a little envious. If our focus is redirected to things that really matter in life we would see an entirely different picture.
In the photos..there is an ocean, a beautiful beach, there are lovers, and children, and friends...all the cellulite clad celebs were playing, holding hands, smiling, laughing and enjoying their life...
and the only one who seemed to be bothered by the cellulite and the sags and flab are the hate mongers who posted the comments.
Blondes rather be flawed on the outside than the inside!
difficult to make
Even when times were tough
and everyone hard to take
No acts of kindness
could make him fit in
It did not matter
how nice he had been
Because he was different
they refused to be kind
and to his good nature
they remained blind
Bill always understood
why they carried this thought
It was not hatred for him
only the way they were taught
He had no choice
but change their mind
it takes courage
but that's hard to find
Bill never gave up
no matter the pain
through his fight
equality he would gain
Bill the cow would say:
think what you teach
into tiny ears
for they grow up
and carry on those fears
you are my sister
and you my brother
we really arent that different
Please,lets love each other
You don't have to be blonde to be kind!! Peace y'all
The other night my Dad was telling me to tale Marcus to a movie, or go out, or do something. Couldn't figure out why until we came home a bit too early...dear God!!
We were locked out of the house, had to keep ringing the doorbell and finally my Dad comes to the door in a towel...
"Oh, my Gah...Dad?!!"
"What.. you were supposed to be away!!"
"Eww..Were going away"
In the car:
"Yeah it's funny to you; you're separated by a generation, this is going to haunt me"
"No, if you want to be haunted, unlock the chest in their closet"
"Oh my God!!"
"I am so grossed out, and you, you are tainted for life, you will need some kind of therapy?!! I know I do"
more hysterical laughing
" Do you think its safe to go home now?"
"no, give them more time"
"oh my God, gross"
"We should be so lucky..that after more than 40 years of marriage..They still get their groove on"
" O.K...shutting up...hot wings or BBQ?"
"Good idea, it takes longer"
Blondes shouldn't knock on the door so long!
First ice up your lip until its blue and you can feel nothing..than take a needle and prick your lip a couple of time just underneath the lip where scabbing can't be seen....it will swell and stay for at least two or three days depending on how deep you pricked.
For those who grow weak kneed at the site of blood...I suggest don't look in a mirror. be strong ladies for what is beauty without pain...feel good about yourself that you did not succumb to plastic surgery, you are a beauty warrior who lifts the head high as you head out plumped up and debt free.
If you can wax a bikini line you. you can do this.
Blondes have no boundaries when it comes to beauty!!
The Fish bowl at Hula Hut
The Pear Mojito at P F Changs
The Fruit infused Saki at Kenichi
The Pinot Noir at Jeffrey’s
The Dirty Martini at Cedar Door
The Vodka Gimlet at Four Seasons
I do adore the warm fuzzy
I get from you
Never do I drive
But ever do I stumble
over the greatness of you
Please Don't Drink and Drive this Holiday Season!!
You’re not supposed to ask for things;
Ask for what is right not what you want;
God works in mysterious ways;
Ask not what you Christ can do for you…
Blah, blah, blah…..
It’s like buying a shiny new Cadillac. I don’t know why I relate God and a caddy; I’m thinking it’s from growing up in the south and seeing all the preachers driving their Cadillac while asking the congregation to give more funds..
Why do you need more funds? Can’t you do God’s work in an Oldsmobile?
Here you have this new car with a warranty and the fine print and it’s not until you start seeing all the disclaimers that you think to yourself or at least I do, I should have bought the used Junker with the simple disclaimer:
WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET
I like simple terms and conditions that let me know if it breaks I’m responsible for fixing it. If I prayed to God to fix my car..I would never be able to get anywhere in life.
Blondes never are stranded on the side of the road long!!
I have been a Redskin fan all my life. I was born in D.C. and lived in Virginia most of my young life and so there... I'm a Redskin fan but lately I'm thinking I might go Cowboys for one big reason....A GUY....not just any guy but a bonafide gentleman guy who made me laugh when I was crying over getting old...
and while I will always love my Redskins and wish them well they never told me how beautiful I am, make me laugh, or make me feel better about myself when I am feeling down..I doubt the Cowboys will do that for me either but I know this guy will and I rather hang out with him on the Cowboy's side of the stadium than stand alone on the Redskin's side.
damn you Joe Gibbs...can't you do anything?!!
Blondes don't need to know football to be a fan!!
Update: Nov 28. 2007
After the fall of Redskin Taylor...I cannot leave my team at this time plus I really don't like the Cowboys and this guy has since dwindled from my light
To punish him...I locked him in my room with VH1 playing on the tele...that'll teach em!!
Blondes don't put up with kitty crap!
"It's a question of equality. I think it's a problem that women are sexualized in this way. If women are forced to wear a top, shouldn't men also have to?"Outraged by what they regarded as discrimination, a group of women in southern Sweden made a show of solidarity by establishing the Bara Bröst network. (The name translates both as 'Bare Breasts' and 'Just Breasts'
I don't mind topless woman on the beach as long as the breasts are pretty...but do I really want to see Grandma swinging her double D droopies in the wind as she frolics in the sand. I say Ney!!Equality for women..they want to liberate breasts? Guys don't have to so why should we? That is your argument?!! Of course they are swedish......
and you wonder where blondes come from!
like say after a string of bad dates. They can offer constructive criticism--it makes them feel better about themselves-- while taking me shopping--making me feel better about myself--
a couple of rules..
He can't have a new girlfriend
He has to be the one to offer
Don't take advantage of his kindness..go for the Fendi perfume but not the Fendi purse..
Dinner and drinks and a kiss good night..
Do not get back together..
Return the favor if needed one day
Blondes shalt not date freaks...no mo'!!
A cold front moved into town while I was at lunch. When I came back I walked passed Shelly's office. She asked, "Is it chilly?"
and I said.."no your Shelly...duh"
Does every blonde hear this way?
Why? There are no ropes and I want to see the strokes they used to create the skin in the rennaisance paintings.
Ma'am, I am asking nice please do not stand so close to the paintings
Well, how far can I stand? That is too far and I don't see a line or a rope. I want to see it up close. I promise i won't even breathe while I am looking
Ma'am...I am not asking again. Please you can stand here...
Really, why can I stand there and not here..there are no lines or ropes...doesn't make sense. You agree with me right?
Ma'am, please work with me and stand here
I don't see the line that says I have to stand here..why don't you just let me stand here and you watch me...
Ma'am...alright you may look quickl;y at the painting from here.
I need to get a little closer..and my name is Via
Ma'am ,Miss Via..please, I am not asking again
Good, because its getting tiresome
What would happen if I touched it
altright, alright Pinkerton..I am off to the post modern sculptures..
Ma'aM...you can't stand so close to the sculptures
I give up...
Hey Pinkerton..let the blonde look!!
I could bare it no more. It sat in my refridgerator until my Mother discovered it...she thought someone put caustic chemicals in my can of coconut milk...apparently it was that bad...and yes my Mother is a blond...why?back to story..I was drinking bad coconut milk...who knew things could go bad in a can...
Don't let a Blond stock the bomb shelter..
The double standard is here for a good reason.Use it.
Feminism isn't being one of the boys..its about being a better woman to yourself.
What is with the mentality that you sleep with all these men and than your so tired of being used you refuse to sleep with the guy your really like until he marries you!!
Slut is not a color blondes wear well!!
This is sort of the second part to the series. Considering this date made it to my top 10 worst dates in my history books..I felt it deserved a little extra attention.
I don't know, i thought i looked good. i had my Ralph lauren boots on, my Armani cotton black dress (size 2) and cute smile..
He saw me, immediately headed for waiter, ordered his scotch, refused to talk to me or look at me, focused on this older couple that was kissing his ass the whole night and continued to ignore me to the point I felt I was no longer needed for the conversation and proceeded to grab the attention of other men..Im glad they validated that I deserve attention...not that I need validation!!
Even after all this, I didn't want the baffoon in all his drunken wonderment killing someone with his car. I offered to see if I could get double beds instead of my king to accomadate him and for that I get this when he advanced toward me...
What's the problem? I have a condom!!
needless to say..the door was politely slammed in his face.
Blondes don't date dullards!!
"Yes, you may". I was writing and they asked me why I was sitting at the bar alone on a friday...I still don't do threesomes!!
I told them I arrived in San Antonio early driving in from Austin and I was waiting for my date to arrive. I went back to writing and they read a magazine..so whatever.
Ok..so my date arrives....I get up to greet him, we sit down. I try to talk to him but he is very quiet and II was very frustrated and so I rolled my eyes in the direction of the couple.
The couple started to talk to him, at first I was greatful that they got the ball rolling. Upon finding out the guys family owns alot of ranch they proceeded to stick both their heads up his ass for the rest of the evening. Apparently, he does do threesomes because after ignoring me the entire evening he exchanged numbers with them.
I could continue with the story but if you read my blog "Mama teach your Cowboys" should tell you the rest.
Blondes dont like to be redundant or ignored!!
Yes, you can drink scotch like its water..but its not!
You don't have to wear the hat all the time
Cows and Girls are different..they just are!!
The fondue Gods sent down their wrath. Never break the golden rule of sticking one piece of steak on your fork.
I was tired and hungry so I attempted to add more than one cube of meat to my fork. The third piece is where the God's struck...the fork pierced the last piece of meat all the way through and lodged itself into the palm of my hand.
Blondes lose their appetite at the site of blood!!
If by accident you are overly zealous with tyour scrubbing, one must stop by the first aid isle and pick up the tattoo style band aids with cute graphics on it...no reason not to be fashionable during your time in pain...avoid hugs, tight shirts, and sleep on your back or side until full recovery..
I would be ashamed but Im a blond...
Hey Mr. Hanson..don't bum a blonde out and die!!
You probably scare the dickens out of your own kids coming home all stinkedified in that polyester outfit, twisted up hair wigs that have been dipped more than twice in someone's goblin punch and that melted face paint.
Im scared just thinking about it..this year toss a couple of baby dolls over shoulder tied with string, short t-shirt that doesn't cover your but and boots...there..now your Britney Dam Spears
Now...Stop scaring the blonde!!
B.L.O.N.D.E....blonde..yep..there is an E
Blonde or Blond is still just as blinde!!
The other morning I was on my way to read a script and stopped at Whole Foods to get a cup of tea. I perused the glass case of saran wrapped egg biscuits under the artificial heat lamp. I watched the workers scurry behind the counter making the coffee and putting the plastic lids on - that every morning probably top the landfill by a couple of inches - not that any of this bothers me much...
What bothers me is the reaction from the chick behind the counter after I asked what she thought was a most absurd question.
"Where is the sweet and low?"
My question was returned with an immediate response that seemed to resonate with a little hostility behind the voice.
"We don't have artificial sweetener. We Have Zillertal!"
Awfully synthetic name for such a natural sweetener wouldn't you say?
"We also have nectar." huffed the counter chick proudly.
I took the Zillertal which by the way is the European equivalent of Equal - a artificial sweetener dervied from synthetically mastered plant extract.
Give a blonde a break before her morning coffee!!
Seriously, he was not only a great boyfriend but almost perfect because we enjoyed the same things like boating, tennis, going out dancing, and people watching.