PETA Would Be Proud

PETA would be proud

When I was 7, I walked in on my Father going to the bathroom, or as we like to call it, his personal library. He was sitting on the toilet and from that one instance, seeing him sitting, I deduced in my impressionable blonde mind that at a certain age men’s wankers fall off and they have to go to the bathroom just like girls. The funny thing is, I don’t ever recall ever seeing a man stand up to pee either. I guess it was ingrained somewhere in my psyche, must have been a boy who taught me about the dangly thing.

I recall this one moment, because I had another such walk in just recently. I needed a beach towel which are stowed away in my parent’s boudoir. The door was ajar and without suspect I opened it, looked up for a brief second, saw my Father sitting on his thrown with a book in his lap- after all, it was his library.

Thank Gah for the book!

I quickly retreated backwards with eyes shut and apologized profusely.

Than I retreated down the hall to the kitchen where I began to shake off the incidence. Just then a huge yelp from an unsuspecting Boo cried out. “Grandpa, shut the door!”

As he walked down the hall, his trail of disgust kept going, “Oh Gah, Oh Geez, Oh the horror. My eyes, my eyes.”

“Walk in on Big Daddy?”

“Ughhh, he didn’t shut the door.”

“Yep, me too. Beach towel. You?”

“Toilet paper. Ughh”

We had a good laugh about it only because once Big Daddy hits the library; the glorious odor that comes from his ‘reading’ leaves you staying a distance away from the entire bedroom wing. I never did get that beach towel and Boo hustled Big Daddy's woman in for the paper.

Now it seems, some rats have taken to my storage unit and have converted it to their own private library. I noticed their ‘reading’ all over the sheets that cover my antique chairs. I have discussed the problem before with the management but all they want to do is place rat traps and poison in my unit to rid me of their problem. Unfortunately, I rather see dried droppings than dead carcasses of rodents left behind by torture.

Imagine them dying in my space, near my things.


I rather sit in Big Daddy’s library after he read the entirety of ‘The Blah Story’, which is a 13 million-word book by Nigel Tomm!!


So, instead of killing the walking typhoid fur balls, I have decided it is in my best interest and the rats, to move.


The Blonde hates animal control!


Money Talks, Everyone Else Walks

I am listening to ACDC, whom I can never seem to get enough of, on nights like this; nights that make me think I should just chuck it all and be a vagabond on the beach or take a long walk on a short pier.

Money does talk, it talks louder than anything else in the world. For those of us who have lost it, for what ever reason- does it even matter why? It is a bit more difficult than never having money at all.

My friends, and even some men I know, seem to think being broke is contagious, or they think I am after them for something, and so they politely space themselves from me. It is alright, considering I can not afford to accompany them on the trips they take, the charity dinners they attend, nor the art exhibits from which they buy for their house, that I know longer have, anyway.

It seems to save face on both ends.

I am slowly becoming invisible but not in a bad way. I am just working in my cocoon to come out as a butterfly again. Spread my wings of fabulosity and see what life holds for me after I recover from this little stint in a financially dormant life.

One thing is for certain...men will be at the bottom of my list of hobbies... and friends--who needs the old ones when I can make new ones in exotic lands that I will most certainly be flying to.

And maybe, my wings will take me to a land that values the person more than their fame and fortune.

The Blonde has no room for baggage on her pretty little wings!!

I dedicate this to Farrah Fawcett!!!

I Have a Drinking Problem

...and the first step to reovery is admitting it. Its a problem that seems to fill the nooks and corners of desk tops and sewing areas with mounds of coffee cups, ice tea glasses, little wine glasses, and Fresca can...after Fresca can. At any given moment, I will drink simultaneously from several glasses strategically placed around my little bikini manufacturing room (aka. my bedroom suite). I constantly forget where I placed my glass or forget I already made myself a cup of tea and I will whip up, in the blender, a sugar free iced coffee.

It doesn't matter what the beverage, I just seem to be thirsty all the time. Perhaps its more that I am over compensating for my oral fixation and lack of a fag between my lips since I have had to cut down on my smoking due to a bank account on thin ice, my Nat Shermans being in the Louis Vuitton price range of smokes, and the government extorting funds from me that should be punishable under the RICO act.

At a time when I am afraid I may not make it to the next month and be able to pay bills, drinking during the day feeds my need for a vice while I worry about whether or not my little ecokini company can sustain my very small existence and grow into a future with a much larger lifestyle.

The Blonde makes a toast to better times!!!

Star Trek Movie

Since when did I develop a hyena's hunch on my back that needs to be accommodated by the bucket molded, seating in movie theaters?

I went to the new theater to see Star Trek, finally, and the seat had my head jetted half a foot in front of my shoulders. Why do they curve a chair that way? If they put the head rest in line with my shoulders, I wouldn't have the the inclination to recline the chair just so my head could sit up straight.

My back was sinking in the cavernous hole in the middle, where I should have had some lumbar support, , and the extra foot room for my feet in the chair in front of me was walled in by more plastic.

Do designers of theater seating really have a hatred for anyone who would prefer to sit up straight? Do they not understand the difference between reclining and slouching?

I would prefer if my head leaned back so I could try and focus on the too many close ups on the too small of a screen, that they cut to fit 16 screenings in one theater building.

Whatever happened to the big screen?

I dated guys with bigger screens in their theater rooms!!

On the other hand, the new theater had popcorn that was poly-saturated fat free cardboard, spinning greasy dogs, and no Reese's pieces!!!!

It sucked!!!!


If I go to movie again, it will be my 10 am movie on Sunday, at the old theater that smells like dirty socks, has reclining seats, self buttering popcorn, dirty water hot dogs, and a super large screen just for me.

PS. Star trek was perfectly fab, see it again!!!

Can't wait for GI Joe!!

Blondes like their own show!!!


Parking Meters

University of Texas didn't go for my meter painting idea.


Maybe I can talk Austin in letting me do the meters around the capital like little Texas flags.

The Blonde needs change for the meters!!


Bugging PETA

Since el President did a smack down on a fly during a speech at the white house, and it found its way onto Youtube, PETA is sending a letter in respect to killing the fly more humanely.

I personally don't care how a bug is killed, just as long as someone else does it and I don't have to hear it, or see it.

Last night, I sat up in bed watching Bravo TV and a water roach crawled up on my bed and around my leg!!!

Needless, to say I did not get to sleep the entire night. I left my light on and when I heard a bug sound I would jump 3 feet out of bed.

Considering where I live, a bug should not be anywhere near the inside of the house. The house I owned, downtown in a groovy little neighborhood by the university, was a 1930 bungalow and I
always had a problem with the water roach that seeks out refuge inside the vintage cottages, before the summer heat arrived The antiquity of the homes made it very inviting for many of Mother Nature's creatures to earn squatting rights if you were a raccoon, squirrel, or bug. Now that I have upgraded my digs to the hills and sleep in a mcmansion, I should be protected from such invaders.

We have gates on our community for just this reason!

We don't like uninvited guests.

When they fly, it will scare the bigeebees out of me. I dart and run in panic, as if being sprayed with bullets. These 2" terroists have armor while I go unprotected.

I know PETA wants us to be humane but they have no idea the mental anguish I go through when they taunt me in the dark.

I say water board the little buggers.

The Blonde can not be friend to all creatures!!


I Practiced Twirling

Tonight, like most nights, I sat on the porch thinking of what I really want to get out of life. I had a few pieces of cut bamboo next to me and I picked one up and began to twirl it, thinking how I could use it in one of my bikini designs.

The funny thing is, as I twirled the bamboo, thinking of all the possibilities it had in my designs, I totally forgot that I was twirling it on the tip of my fingers and it began to play like a feather just barely wisping upon the tips of my dancing digits; the moment I was conscious of my actions the bamboo dropped like a stiff stick.

I kept playing with the bamboo and my thoughts, and I learned, the more I concentrated on things in my head, the more the bamboo stick would dance, barely touching; floating and twirling right above my finger tips as if it were a surreal action portraying my life at that one moment.

Everything I have ever wanted was always a finger tip away and every time I thought it was in my grasp, the dream fell away.

I had an epiphany:

Until I focus on what I really want, that bamboo stick will always fall!

The Blonde is finding her balance!!

Eveything Gets Better With Time

Everything is falling apart these days from my left turning car, to my keyboard missing the 'c' key, to losing my domain; but I am adapting well.

I went to visit my storage unit last week and when I opened the large metal door to expose the contents of stacked boxes, antiques and furniture; the scent of my old house wafted through the air and I felt a bit of nostalgia warming up my soul.

I think of all the people who have lost their homes to devastating floods, hurricanes and fire and I realize how lucky I am to still possess the very essence of my life stacked safely away in a 10 by 20 with not an inch to spare for even the tiniest of Tiffany boxes.

We have all lost something in this economy, but we shouldn't lose our hope that eventually everything does get better. It may take longer than expected, but we can't let that bring us down.

I am plugging away at my newest endeavor, Burlap Bikini-Eco friendly swimwear and cover ups made from recycled materials and remnants that would otherwise be discarded, sort of like a blonde that lives at home.

Hopefully something will come of it but if not, I no longer sweat the small stuff and neither should you. Meanwhile I have margaritas and the hope that my cats will be able to work a sewing machine when the orders start coming in.

Blondes don't lose sight of the big picture!!


I Lost My Letter

I dropped my laptop and the C button went flying off into some unknown direction so I am having a hard time dealing with one of my alphabets on the loose.

How am I supposed to type numerous 'c' words, if I have to carefully hit some freaky nub without its grill?!

The Blonde will be back as soon as she finds that little 'c' !!


Bad Timing

Now I should know better than to drink a 10 oz carafe of saki and then mosey on over to a comedy club on a Tuesday. I am fairly certain if you are playing a gig during the earlier part of the week, you can't possibly be any good and the fact that my mouth was feeling all warm and fuzzy inside, not caring what anyone thinks if it decided to speak up in the middle of the show, it could have been a cocktail of heckling hell for the stage weary.

The MC was not funny

The first guy was even less funny


...the second guy, who was from Austin, was even less funny than the MC and the first guy, making him the head tool of the unfunny cadet club. And he had the audacity to get upset with me for cheering him on. All I said was.....

"Yeah!! Austin!!!

Woo hoo!!!

I am from Austin!!!






Apparently, the Austin comic wasn't a fan of 'Family Guy' and my impersanation of Peter Griffith wasn't funny to the less than fiunny gu. I think little ole me might have messed up his timing for the rest of his set. But in all fairness to the Blonde, if you get thrown because someone cheered for your hometown, you have more problems with your act than just timing. After that, I don;t recall the rest of his routine because I was too busy whispering loudly in Vaughn's ear about how bad the show was.

The third comedian was a chick with a gutter mouth. The only thing funny was the fact she hated Rachel Ray and she agreed with my yelp of Rachel being a 'glorified diner whore' who probably peddled more than just soup to get her own show.

It was all down hill

The comedians were sooooo bad that I wouldn't have been able to keep my mouth shut through any more and before it really got ugly with me entertaining myself with a few more vodka gimlets and a louder heckle job just to entertain myself ...we bailed.

I know it must take some real kahunas to get up on stage and try to juggle a routine that drops to the floor with a thud but comedy is one of those thangs that needs talent.

If ya ain't got it....cha ain't got it!

but Bless ya for trying.

Now get off the stage and get a real job!

The Blonde hates being bad!!


I Heart Manhattan

...especially the garment district.

I was head to toe in fabrics at Moods for half a day looking for organic fabrics for my bikini line. I got so excited about all the other fabrics around that I forgot to even look for burlap and bamboo cloth.

Oh well...gives me a reason to go back!!

I love New York in the spring when the weather is this gorgeous, I am outside enjoying the day. After buying up as much fabric that will fit in my suitcase, Vaughn (my NY go to guy) and I had lunch at an outside eatery in Westside park and talked about all sorts of fabulous things including 'me'. Afterward, we had a quick walk back to his place for a glass of vino and relaxation on the patio of his super digs on the Upper West side.

Now, I am busy wondering what club to swing on into as I play around in the night life of this fabulous jungle.

It is getting a little bit harder to leave each time I come here. I think I wouldn't mind being shipwrecked on this tiny island they call Manhattan. If I ever want off, I can steal a yacht and head for Monte Carlo.

The Blonde loves seaside villages!!