The following questions were set in last year's GED examination
These are genuine answers!!


Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious (do dishes) can be soft as your face.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

And why did the Blonde waste her time in school?

I am pre-Legally Blonde

Who is headed to law school?

The Blonde is!!

I am formally accepted to Baylor and still waiting to hear from SMU but Baylor is a litigation law school and who better to argue out her past aggressions on unsuspecting jurors?

I am!!

The whole world has shifted today. I no longer feel like I am in limbo and its not because the Catholic church decided to do away with it.

Its because my life is moving in a forward motion. Yes, I still have trouble with finances this summer but if I can hold out just two more months...I am still not going to be golden but I will have a bit of worth with grants and scholarships and with a little bit a faith...a part time job in a law firm in Waco.

Waco...I know its bubbaville but my car will blend much better in Waco than Dallas.

I don;t want to live in a rich person's world being poor. I feel more comfortable playing an average Jess in a rural town where I can rent a small farm shack and have room for art, sewing, studying, and yes...even maybe a mini dairy cow to babysit my obnoxious cats.

Fate brought me this opportunity just as much as I have worked for it. I am going where the Gods lead me and if its in the middle of bum fucked Egypt...

I will take it.

I will gladly go where I was never willing to go before and its exciting and its scarey and I am finally brave enough to meet the challenge.

The excitement will soon wear off like the Miami fun did but at least now, I know I am headed somewhere.

I have a road map.

Its been carved out before I was born, I just never followed it. I made the mistake of trying to change things but I really do believe that my life was cast and my only failure was refusing to see it.

This time, the Blonde is following her map!!


Blonde Moment #...

I lost count!

So I had a blonde moment yesterday. Boo and I were coming home from the store and he left the wiondow down in my car. I went to get in and turn the key to put the window up.

"What are you doing?"

"I am putting the window up."

"Why don't you just put the key in the door and turn it until the window goes up?"

"My car doesn't do that."

"Oh my Gah, Mother how long have you been driving the car?"

"A long freakin time."

"Turn the key until it locks and hold it. Seriously?!" As he continues to shake his head and rub his eyes in dismay.

So I took the key out of the ingnition without rolling up the window. I got out of the car, shut the door, placed the key in the lock, twisted the key, and held it for a few seconds.

Low and behold...the angels appeared and rolled up my window from the outside of the door.

I wonder what else my car can do?

Uhh, big duh for the blonde!!


My Therapy

This blog is my therapy. I am pretty sure not many people read it. If I got a high view rate, I assume its the videos from youtube that account for the numbers.

And its alright. If no one read this blog, I would still be fine. To me, this blog is just a way to air my thoughts and feelings since I have no one to vent to.

Today, Babs called to wish Big D a Happy F day and I could feel the coldness seeping through the phone. I should not have answered since its the family phone.

I assume she heard earfuls from others in the family and she was guarding herself from another earful attack.

What bothers me most, is that in all the years we have been so distant, we have shared maybe only 3 to 6 phone call conversations a year and not one of them was ever about others in the family.

Am I crazy?

Does my family really see me as something horrible?

Am I so horrible?

I know I am in an unhappy place but I don't spread my heartache around.

I sit in my room alone.

I don't date, I don't see freinds, and I mind my own business.

I don't backstab, gossip, or try to pretend to be the better person by manipulation of facts, events, and telling the story first.

I think the most devastating thing to me is that I see a better person in me than my family ever did...and fighting my way out of that scape has been a long, hard, and tragic road for me.

Letting go of them is the first step in realizing that I am a good person and deserve good things.

I am better than the sum of what they think I am.

The Blonde sees herself with better highlights.

Raising My Glass to Done

I need to change the headliner of my tags for blinded by blonde since I no longer date online, although I do have stories I can continue to tell but why?

The stories after awhile become stale and unfunny. The sad state of online dating is not funny..its simply sad. I think its especially sad for the lonely people who get caught up in looking for someone so desperately that they will let people that do not deserve them, come in and piece by piece destroy a little bit of their faith in finding someone all too perfect for them.

They will settle for anything rather than nothing.

Look at Raine and Augusto...trying to sell me on less than a life because they want more of one. They sit their and down on me about relationships and wanting freedom to play the field while being in relationships.

Really what they are saying is; they have settled for someone that looks perfect on the outside but on the passion side they need extra women on the side to fulfill what the settlement didn't.

I adore these guys but I do think their justification is a little screwey and I am not the extra rose frosting that will help them complete their cake.

I would rather be alone than settle for someone I do not find perfect for me. I do not mean perfect in the sense of perfection but simply someone that fits perfectly with me. Someone who isn't so perfect that I won't feel less perfect.

When I wrote about the love of men that did not love me back..its more complex than that. The natal chart explains why I can't attain the men I want but also the complexity of this love I have is really manifested from an idea of what I think my life should be and who should fit in it.

I am no longer looking for it but forever will I hold out for it. And if I end up alone...so be it.

Let's face it, its been 6 years...which if you count...I join for one month a year, find a man, see how it works for a year and than when it did not work out the way I had hoped, I go online for a month and bingo starts all over again...so technically its only been 6 months of dating in real time but still...

I am tired of looking...done...finito...ova!!!!

So say hello to the new official cat lady...

the spinster sister...

the Lonely Hearts Club newest band member...

The Blonde won't raise the date ceiling!


Love has No Boundaries

but love should not be built by boundaries either.

I was thinking today about love. The love family thinks they have for each other and how that kind of love is built out of some form of duty they feel. Just because someone is related to someone else does not mean that they must love them.

I think the duty to love can cause more harm than good.

Aside from family love, there is the love we feel for people we meet along our journey; I always wonder why I feel more love toward some than others.

I would like to share a few of my loves....

I love Raine. I miss his smile, his demeanor, his sweet way. I love him and I don't need to be a part of his life to feel that way. I just love him and hope he is happy.

I love Jackson. Funny I know. I only went on a few coffee dates and was rejected for another woman but I feel love for him. I hope the woman he decided to be with is all he ever wanted and I hope he is happy.

I love MM. I have always loved him from the very first time I saw him so many years ago. I hope he is happy and finds the love he looks for.

I have loved a handful of men but they did not love me. Its not their fault any more than its my fault that I fell in love with them.

Love is so intangible, it really is not connected to emotion or feelings.

Love is something given to us from a dying star thousands of years ago. Those who were born from that star will always be connected in some form of love to those that also have that star inside of them.

To explain love is to know physics. You have to understand that from the beginning of time when the stars exploded and died, they gave each and every one of us a bit of their sparkle. Some shine more than others and some have more of one star in them than another and in that little bit of sparkle comes a connection we can not explain without the help of science and physics.

I do not dismiss the notion of a higher power.

I pray to God. I cross my heart in the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost...but I also say thanks to Mother Earth and believe in pagan history before Christianity brutally denied them their faith.

I believe beyond God that physics plays a part in our lives from inception of earth to the death of our world.

I have connected and loved men for no explainable reason...

I will always love the men that I have fallen for and I need not their love back ...I just hold them in my heart and wish them well.

And to Augusto... my soul mate, my perpetual dating partner, my equal panty partner....may one day, I find someone of my own that can share their love with me like you have shared with me.

I bless my lucky stars every day that I have felt love; whether it was returned or not is not the point. The point is, I can love and I can look beyond the status quo's belief; beyond the box they created to conform love as they see fit.

I see love for what it is...an entity that will never conform to anything we know or are willing to really understand with the use of our 10% brain utility.

Yes, I would love to marry someone but not under anyone's written moral code other than my own.

The Blonde is not blinde.

Animal Smarts

...they don't hang out with their kin. They make babies and forge families and everyone goes on their sweet little way.

Animals don't give unwanted advice, they don't harbor anger for 20 years, and they don't fight over antique typewriters.

But just to be clear...the typewriter goes to me..I don't care what story a certain someone remembers. I wrote my very first movie script on that typewriter. Its in my chest still bound by the baby blue ribbon and covered with a little drawing I made for it.

But feel free to sticky your name over everything else!

Animals don't give you lip about drinking out of a carton. As a matter of fact, I think an animal would be impressed with carton drinking because its eco-friendly since you aren't wasting water to clean a cup a couple of times a day.

I don't know why there is a saying that 'people some times act like animals' since that would be an insult to the animals.

I am not the person some people think I am and I will never be able to change their reality of me but I will tell you this. If the perception you have of me is from 20 years ago, than your reality of me today is askew but who am I to change the vision of your world..

Keep what ever scenery of me you like..paint me red with flames, sharp teeth, and stiletto heels..

rewind in your mind a new tape of what I said and year after year the words can evolve into something so much darker...

Twist and turn that memory of me until you no longer see your sister as a friend but as an enemy on an egg field.

Who needs reality when you can fabricate a web of pettiness into a fantastical film strip that replays in your mind telling yourself how much better you are than me.

If that is what you need to be happy than please be my guest. I won't be around to prove you wrong.

Maybe I do act like an animal....I rather wish family would go away on its own and leave me to me...

The Blonde is not a lion but a Leo!


Miami, Baby!

If not for the puerto rican 'happy hour' scam throughout Miami, it would have been perfect...


Shula Rest Stop

So I am in Miami Lakes at the Don Shula Golf resort. Its not the hip Miami hotel i stayed at last time I browsed through Miami but its nice. Its actually exceptional for the 99$ prioce tag with an upgrade to a balcony and pool view.

Lots of chubby checkers in this neck of the woods which is wxcellent for my body image. I am rocking the hottest and youngest body in this tiny part of town..

Augusto and I had dinner at the hotel steakhouse and the waiter was trying to upsell everything. Its a shame he wwasted on the food service. he should be in computer sales.
Everything he suggested had the highest price tag. He tried to push a $16 glass of Merlot from Cali on me and I was not going for it until he said its half proce for happy hour.
Of course, after I ordered the second glass, he informed me that the mamagement changed the rules about happy hour at the very last minute and the merlot was full price.
Seriously dude, I know I am blonde but I am not an idiot. I could have argued the point with a multitude of reasons that would make his head spin but I was to tired to get my way...

Besides, if he is so hard up for the tip padding...so be it..its just the last time he will see us in the restaurant.

Waiter: " Good evening, tonight we have on the menu the Screw You special. Would you like that medium or well-done?"

Me: "Well, I am exhausted and I do look like someone you can take advantage of easily, so let't have the well-done jack ass."

Well, I am off to the pool to sit next to those beyond the X-gen and skinny challenged.

The Blonde is in chill mode!


Baroque, Not Destitute

Just because I am living off of financial fumes doesn't mean I can't get out from under it every once in a while to catch some fresh air.

Augusto, the only man left in my repitoire of Xs; he is allowed to remain because he is truly a good freind and he looks like Antonio Banderas.

Since I have some credit on an airline and he has to go to Miami for work, we are co-mingling our resources and rejuvinating in Miami next week.

I need a little fun time away from the femme cave. I have been hunched over laptops and sewing machines for two weeks launching my wears on Etsy. I feel my back stiffening and when IO played tennis yesterday, it felt like Gollum.

I am going to work out half the day and realx the other half. For me this trip is about stretching my muscles and putting my body in top form.

I am sure some drinks will slip in somewhere in the afternoon whikle on the beach watching the sunset. I am way past the club stage in life. Its not that I am too old for the clubs...its the fact that the men are too young for my taste...better to find some slow runners along the beach...

They are easier to catch.

The Blonde is going beach bum!!