I absolutely have no ability to behave in church. I just can't...not even as a child at the complete dismay of my father.
I have never bought into the church thing nor the bible. I believe in God...but i\I'm not here for a theologian argument ....anyhoo.
I only go to church once a year at Christmas and i do it for my Father. Somehow I wiggled my way out of the New Years visit to the church..thank God!!
Now since I do not believe in organized religion anything out of the Priest's mouth, words read from the bible, and even the music is subject to my blondism.
Let's begin church:
Why are they playing 'Age of Aquarius music'?
Oh my God did they actually start that song with the theme from deliverance?
Holy Shit!! look at their clothes...Are you sure they aren't from a 70's revival musical.
Dad whispers, "VICTORIA!!!
me, "what , laura wont be quiet....Owwwch, Laura hit me"
Dad whispers, "How old are you?"
"Hey, Sis !! baby Jesus. I like to pray to baby Jesus!
Sister laughs ( would spit her drink if she had one)
Marcus, " You can' pray to the baby Jesus, he's all grown up"
Me, " I can pray to the baby Jesus if I want"
Dad whispers, "MARCUS"
Marcus, " What..it was Laura"
me, "Owww...stoooop pinching me...LAurA"
" Holy shit...Laura!"
laura is laughing...She burped the most disgusting garlic filled burp in my ear.
Laughing, laughing, Laughing...
"WHAT?!..ARE YOU FIGHTING VAMPIRES TONIGHT..JEEZus!"
"I only have cherry candy"
"Eat it...my eyes are watering..damn it!"
Dad whispers, " Laura!"
me, "yeah, LAurA!"
Its time to take your neighbors hand....
me, "Um I don't think so!"
Laura, " You have to take their hand"
me, "but that would leave them with only one"
Laura under her breath in a meanie kind a tone, " take their hand!!"
me, under my breath in a meanie tone, "its allergy season, I am not touching some strangers hand thats been blowing snot all the way to church!!
Dad whispers in a really mean tone, " VICTORIA!"
me, "What, it was Laura"
Dad is using the Evil eye Now!!!
me, "laura..your in trouble"
Laura, "how old are you"
me, "hey look at how cute those guys are"
laura, " You could Cougar that!"
"No, I'm not old enough to Cougar, I could MILF him!!"
me, "What..it was Laura!"
and moving on...
They give us candles to hold through the music.
We put them up...I couldn't resist"
me, "hey Laura, Is that a candle in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"
There were a few more such as the hand in the communion water and afraid it might boil over but we have to open presents now!!!
Blondes love blasphemy!!