I swear to Gah, if yesterday wasn't one of the most hysterical days I have ever had. I just couldn't stop laughing at the absurdity of it all.
First I was thrown under the bus by co-workers who didn't complete a task and threw it in my lap last minute and than used me as the office idiot.
I thought to myself on the way home that I am not cut out for poor office politics and two face back-stabbers. As these thoughts twisted through my little head, the most hideous van pulled up next to me.
It was a chicken van!!
A Honda Element with molded feet on the back of the van, a chicken head molded onto the front of the hood and a hat or something on the the top of the van.
It was the ugliest beast of an auto I had ever seen. It would definitely scare the dickens out of the children if it were ever entered into a parade.
I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants. All I could think at the moment was how my job could suck more. I could be driving that chicken van for a living.
Next on my list of all time most ridiculous award would go to my Ex whom I made the distinct mistake of visiting last night. He tried so hard to convince me that he could love me and do right by me, blah, blah, blah.
We had a couple of glasses of wine together and I laid down on his sofa for an hour before I had to go home. He laid in his bed and fell asleep.
Well, Hi baby. Where are you?
Why don't you come over?
I was just watching tv and fell asleep.
I sure did, just watched TV and fell asleep.
OK Baby. Bye Baby.
My head popped up quicker than a jack rabbit out of a snake hole.
Did you just forget I was on the sofa?!
I laughed so hard I almost peed myself again.
I laughed all the way out the door and back home.
I am still laughing.
This morning I get an email saying it was his sister and she had a fight with her husband.
I have initialized my official breakup moratorium used to ensure I will know who to blame if something goes wrong with my body or to ensure the break up is real and not just a cat fight. I am certainly, mostly, absolutely positive this is the finale' for my recent casualty and may I say it couldn't happen to a nicer fella.
Did my sarcasm come through just then? I can't ever tell.
Usually I only engage in a 4 week buffer zone before I begin to date again but since my last one had super sperm, I am taking no chances. This by no means that I have issued any house arrests for myself either.
This weekend I went out with my producer friend. I am always cheered up by the thought of limos and VIP status at clubs. We were having a fun time until several gentlemen started hitting on me. Now, I am no one's girlfriend, nor do I wish to engage in a relationship with my producer friend. He is definitely one to leave single. No matter how much dog training you do on him, he is too old to learn any horse and pony tricks to impress me, although he sure is trying.
Now I rarely go to country bars. I am more an uptown girl but its fun to let loose when you don't really care what anyone thinks about you which is what these bars do for me. The most crazy I get is dance and accept business cards from cute strangers which is where this story is heading.
My producer friend which technically we were on a date but as friends only. Unfortunately he doesn't see it that way and is still trying to win me over. I really enjoy his company, I can be myself and have fun without pretense but I am still not falling anytime soon.
He keeps telling everyone we are together. I keep telling him we aren't.
Just saying it doesn't make it true. But, it doesn't stop him from trying, he doesn't take the word NO too well.
Anyhoo, back to the country bar:
He pulled out his bull horns and bucked anyone who tried to come near me. I can handle myself. I am used to the attention and I just politely say I am on a date but at these country bars that isn't enough to keep them from coming around. These guys just had bad manners to come up to me every time Mr Producer had his head turned. Needless to say Mr. Producer got angry and threatened to have their ass kicked and he knows the people to do it.
No matter how sweet it might be that someone wants to have the crap beaten out of someone in my honor, I just assume not. I don't want to have to bail anyone out of jail or show up to numerous court dates for a lawsuit.
Ahhh, country bars, gotta love the trailer park pride in these establishments. Men will fight for their woman unlike the gents at the Four Seasons, which is where I am going to hang my hat up this coming weekend.
I just don't do country well.
The Blonde always leaves with the one that brung her!
After bearing with me during my turmoil in New York I thought you might like to read what the Ex wrote me to make me believe he was someone else.
I included a collection of his email to me. Just click on the link. I have commentary for fun, although, it really isn't a laughing matter when someone makes you believe they are free to love you when they aren't.
...jeans slipped over my derriere like butter, this morning. I am incredibly psyched to being my perfect weight again.
I am also excited that I sold my very first two items listed on my Ebay store. A very happy girl in the UK is going to get my cherished pony hair coat that I never got to wear because I am too tall and broad shouldered to wear anything from the 60's era. She is so excited to have it that I gave her a buy now option for way under what I paid for it or could get for it if I waited to auction it. But it makes me happy to lose a little bit of money to be able to give someone something they want very much.
The second coat, a fabulous L.A.M.B. ruffle coat, went to a young lady in NYC. She had a bit of an attitude regarding timely payments, actually stationg that it was my fault for not putting down paymetn requirements. Excuse me for not thinking their would be a fleeb out in Ebay land wanting to abuse my good nature.
She eventually paid, after giving the "I am out of town speech". In between the lines was the I need to wait for my next paycheck. Her coat is on its way.
We now break for this important announcement:
Just minutes ago the young lady who bought my ruffle coat has just discovered what karma does when it comes back to bite you in the ass.
Biatch, as I lovingly call her now, received the coat and now wants an immediate refund. You see, she is one of 'those' people who puts a large bid on an item to secure a win. Only this time she didn't count on someone else wanting the coat badly enough to go up a crazy amount and a bidding war was brought on. The coatwas up to a ridiculous amount. She now has buyers remorse and wants the funds back.
Deep down, i don;t blame her but seriously she was greedy!! I don;t bid on things I can't afford and there is a lot I wouldn't mind having. Especially that Jean Paul Gaultier jacket.
I had another buyer for the coat earlier on but now I don't know. Its late in spring and I might get stuck with the coat until fall. She said she is sending the coat back for immediate refund and I replied.
'You need to go through dispute so I can properly resolve this issue.'
Eventually I might be made to take the coat back which is fine. I offered the refund not thinking an arse would buy my coat but I will honor it.
Live and learn I always say
Let karma work its magic through the Ebay dispute process while I am out of town for awhile. I hear it can take up to a month to resolve issues.
Blondes know what it feels like to wait for my money too.
I spent the last part of my trip in New York alone and financially jammed because the Hudson Hotel held my entire bank account hostage. I had to have another ex pay for the last night. I didn't feel right having him pay for an extravagant hotel so I moved to the Milford near Broadway.
I finally get home by the grace of God, and one really sweet guy at the information desk at Grand Central Station who gave me the extra $2 I needed to get to the airport by bus.
I go straight to the bank from the airport to figure out why so much money was taken out by the hotel. The teller informs me there are no charges on the account for any hotel. Every transaction placed on my account by the Hudson Hotel had magically disappeared and my account was at its original balance.
I am now awaiting the proper charges.
But I wonder?
Why did this happen?
What is the reason?
What am I to learn from this experience?
Did I at least build on my character?
The now defunct relationship has left me with a surplus of cash in my savings account. The money was given to me by my newly ex-ed boyfriend for sprucing myself up. Now that we are no longer together I feel funny having the money. I used a third of it for my lips and a couple of trips to the day spa but there is still some left in the savings account. I wanted him to know the money was being used for the purpose he intended. It was a generous gift and I didn't want him to think I would abuse his generosity.
Now that karma has set my account straight, I wonder?
Should I give him back the money?
It was a gift. Why should I return it?
Why should I be punished?
Wasn't I punished enough?
Does he deserve to have it back?
What is the proper thing to do?
Why should I even care about doing the proper thing? Its not like I am going to get kudos from him for returning the funds and I like kudos!!
Oh well! (sigh)
I can't win them all.
Thank goodness, I only need to win one.
I have decided to take the funds and reimburse myself for the trip, ensuring good karma to him--. And for my karma, (BTW: you can start a sentence with a conjunction if used sparingly--I looked it up) I am adopting polar bears to help save them from the effects of global warming.
It is really amazing to me how everything worked alright. I don't know what I would have done if I had no family or friends and alot of Gah to help me. I am humbled and grateful for the experience.
and thank Gah they still like me!! and they know I am dating other people and I know they are dating other people.
I want to thank each and everyone that was there for me in my time of need.
Although NONE of you could find your way to New York to comfort me, I still appreciate the shoulder to cry on through a phone line.
I also appreciate the fact that you aren't dating anyone seriously at this time, leaving you free to help me.
Don't think I don't know that the willingness to answer my 'damsel in distress' calls is due to the fact you don't have anyone at the moment. I realize my 1:30 am calls wont get answered when you find someone else.
I am now single again and if you guys ever get into trouble with a woman, you know who to call.
I am at Filene's basement looking for a bag to carry my laptop in. I had to be careful with money because I didn't think I would need to bring very much on this trip.
After all, I was visiting my boyfriend. Why would I need for anything? Duh...
It never occurred to me that I might need a sudden flow of emergency cash. He did give me some walking around money when he left for Connecticut but still the hotel I chose to make me feel better was luxury tagged and although I knew I would have to move to a more economical hotel, at this moment it was worth it to me to have the high thread count and down pillows to cry my little tears into.
I find a bag that doesn't knock my socks off but the price is right and I am tired of going around the city with my laptop in my hand. I proceed to checkout when low and behold my newbie friend lifts up the most perfect designer bag ever!!
I look at the price tag...
Its the perfect bag!!
Ed hardy Rock and Roses bag!!
I must have it!
I must buy the bag!
I love the bag!
The bag loves me!!!
Too bad the bag couldn't feed me for the last two days of my trip because after maxing out the only credit card I had for the hotel rooms and cabs, this was the only cash I had left to survive on until I got home and it was now a handbag that I just would not return even when I had money only for a bag of fries. I didn't have enough for a whole meal.
Fashion is my crack.
Its a monkey on my back.
It would be just like an addict to find justification for their addiction.
Her is mine:
Spending all my cash on this killer bag forced me to learn to get around the city by foot, which kept me healthy; forced me to learn the buses and subways; now I am not afraid of public transport; and I lost a few pounds from not eating.
I was very close to being a bag lady but at least it would have been designer.
I am in New York and I have settled into the Hudson Hotel. Its Awsome!!!
I love it.
After a break up you need a hotel like this one. I checked in around 1:30 AM and the lobby turns into a club around 2. The desk peeps were so sweet to me and said that I should come to the club after settling in..they thought it would cheer me up.
Needless to say, I did not go. I was tired and hungover. By now the buzz wore off and I had a more than slight headache.
I remember having a glass of wine after the saki ran out...Gah, what the heck was I thinking. I am going to have to choose another way to deal with a break up. Ickk!!
I go to sleep and awake to a jackhammer around 7 AM, no seriously a real jackhammer outside on the street, directly underneath my window. I suffer through my headache and the jackhammer until 9 and than I get up an shower and go the store to get excederin.
I get a phone call...
Its the Newbie I met and forgot about.
I forgot I met someone while walking the ex's dog. Its funny to me because I specifically recall telling my ex he shouldn't leave me alone in the city for this exact reason.
Men are a dime a dozen in this town. I couldn't be lonely if I tried.
The newbie hung out with me and did everything my older boyfriend wouldn't do with me like teaching me the subway, showing me Filene's basement, which is a story all on its own, and showing me the great little coffee shops and sushi spots.
I definitely will have to look into dating younger men...they have incredibly less baggage to carry around making them light on the feet and ready for a full day with me!!
Right now, I think I want to be alone for awhile which will be easy since I am back in Texas.
I went to New York this weekend and what I thought would be a great weekend with my boyfriend walking around the park, having coffee together, doing fun couple stuff quickly got snubbed when he left me for Connecticut. I am totally cool with you wanting to hang with kids but not your kids with the ex-wife, not while I am by myself at your place in New York on your invite. Its just uncool and shows me I am second best and always will be. No matter how nice I am about you leaving ---I am thinking to myself, don't bother coming back.
I know exactly where this relationship was going.
If you hide the fact that you are dating to your family after two years post-divorce...something is up and I don't want any part of it.
I won't be hidden or used as someone's sexual comfort while they still get to play husband to the ex. If I wanted that I could have stayed with the Ecuadorian. At least he knows how important fashion is to me.
Break up Day:
I had to return a dress to the Diesel store. Since I wasn't getting a ride from you know who because he was running late to get to the family. I was going to try the subway but I was afraid since I don't understand it yet. I was going to take a taxi but decided to walk and learn the lay of the land. I didn't think two miles was very long.
I was wrong. Two miles is a lot in cute clothes.
I shopped for awhile, returned my dress and headed back to the apartment. I got lost through my shortcut in Central park and my trip back actually took about 3 miles.
Hungry..hadn't eaten all day
Get home, open a bottle of Saki. Sipped through the evening, writing my stories and the bottle got away from me and it was empty.
Mmmmmm,feeling no pain.
Ex-boyfrined calls at 9:30 p.m. Did it occur to call earlier and tell me to not wait for you to have dinner. jerk
"At dinner with the wife and son"
Oh, well have a great time. I am doing just fine. Why don't you call later to let me know if you will be staying.
The ex-boyfriend comes back around 11 and I think he is upset with me because I told him to stay in Conneticut for the night. Afterall, why bother to come back to me--Oh wait, i know--he can't stay over nigth ecause the Ex won't let him. I am way drunk and I don't care but he does. I know that is a pet peeve of his since he doesn't drink, I know I am in trouble. I guess I got a little belligerent after he got a little more than derogatory.
I don't have to be here. I can go
You don't have to ask me twice. Hello Hudson, I need a room.
What is it about Tuesday and old people grocery shopping? I don't think it was double coupon day, maybe it was? But for some odd reason Tuesday is the day the senior scooter crowd drives their Grand Marquis over to the local grocery store.
Geez Louise..I saw at least two grim reapers bagging groceries for the walking dust buckets today.
They walk too slow!
They can't reach for items on the top shelf.
They can't bend down to the bottom shelf.
They congregate around the sample plates.
They drive the scooter down the middle of the isle
I have found a way to be happy at work. I found myself something to do!!
I have started a little store on Ebay selling clothes that I find at thrift stores and goodwill and a few things of my own that I need to part with, like the clothes I buy because the fabric is too fantastic to pass up. I am a very tactile person!!
Not only am I productive at work, I get to shop without the guilt!!!
Anyhoo, I had to request time off of work for my trip to New York. I don't know why they think I am asking for the time off when I am really telling them I am taking the time off. Its not as if they say NO that I am going to not go--is that right? Sorry my proofreader is basking in the glory of the Fiji sun, shaded by exotic beauties.
Since I will be in New York anyway, I thought I might turn it into a little business adventure, in between the time I am not in between the sheets. I am going to dig through Filene's Basement until my fingers are nubs. I have decide that I really hate working for someone else and if I can become self sufficient reselling designer stock, my world will be golden like it used to be.
I don't have anytime to do things when I am on someone else's clock.
I can't get a mani or pedi or go the spa during the week which means I would have to wait till the weekend and then it is full of women..Ick. I can't do my shopping until later in the evenings when traffic has died down to a respectable level. I can't go to the bank, post office, or the mechanic. Do you see the headaches working for someone else causes? Gah!!!
If I am going to be forced work, I should at least be able to dictate my own time, not that I don't already. But, I get dirty looks for taking the extra time when I am on a lunch date and I don't need the stress of guilt. I shouldn't be forced to try and jam my lunch in one hour. I think people can't eat properly because they have to rush through their lunch and don't allow for proper digestion.
Its not fair that the little people have to fore go a relaxing lunch because they have errands they have to cram in an hour. Where is the logic in this? You can't get danything done in an hour with traffic and lights to consider. I say that once a week each employee should get a minimum of 3 hour lunch to attend to things that can not be done on a weekend or shouldn't have to be done on a weekend.
We all work hard during the week--well not me--but most of everyone does and they should relax on their time off!!
I hurt an ex-boyfriends feelings. Apparently, its not funny to read the truth about yourself no matter how humorous the tone. I thought my blog entitled 'Dating Game' was hysterical. Oh well, C'est la Vie.
Its not like we were getting back together anyway.
I find that once I break up with someone I can find absolutely no reason why I would ever attempt a second try. I can't seem to get past the polite phone conversation in an attempt to reconcile at least a friendship. They will try to be someone else; say they have changed or tell you everything you want to hear; even to the point of becoming the person they think you want them to be, but that is always short lived. In the end, they are who they are and I am who I am.
No one changes their spots overnight...not even me! Of course, I don't really have spots.
I think if it didn't work out in the first place, it won't work out in the second place. Besides, what woman would settle for second place. The same applies to me as well. If you break up with me obviously I wasn't the one and don't come crawling back because I won't be interested once I have a good cry about it.
I do find that at least I get some satisfaction in knowing the guy now realizes what he had and he should have been a little more careful with a gem like me. Call me selfish but I wouldn't let myself go back to a man after he has broken off the relationship with me; I have too much pride.
I won't change my blog because someone didn't like what they read about themselves. I will, however, change it for the cutie pie with a special knack for editing.
Blondes don't look back unless they are pulling out!!
The more I write about being blonde the more I think I am becoming...well...blonde!!
I recently took my quarterly IQ test and have found I dropped another four points. I am now 12 points away from MENSA.
They say if you don't use it, you lose it.
I thought they were talking about organs pertaining to sex. I am fairly certain now, they were referring to one's mind. Of course they do say the most erogenous part of a women's body is the hypothalamus but we aren't talking about the part of the brain that needs only fresh batteries in a vibrator to stimulate a response.
I am speaking about the part of my brain that can't finish reading a chapter of Moby Dick without daydreaming every other paragraph. Of course it could just be I don't care about fishing for a giant white whale but I should still be able to focus on at least one page of dialogue.
I used to spend hours at my computer as a white hat. Now, I couldn't hack my way out of a paper bag. Instead of writing code, I write blonde anecdotes. I used to write dissertations on ontology. My papers argued that you could not receive a failing grade for a thesis on theory because a theory hasn't been established as a universal fact or truth thus no one is right nor wrong. Today I would fail to argue the point of a brain fart.
I should receive a consolation prize or parting gift for losing my mind...like bigger breasts. From what I understand it is perfectly acceptable to be a dumb blonde if you have a big chest to distract the men from your brushing of a stiletto to help count to ten.
The failure of challenges at work, surrounded by white walls, and very little water cooler talk has left me uninspired to write, learn or create. I feel the very core of my intelligence sucked into the internet vortex propelling me toward spontaneous Ebay purchases and drifting through Craigslist for no reason other than trying to fill 6 hours of dead time at work.
So what does this have to do with the price of corn in China. Nothing, they don't grow corn in China, DUH!! It does, however, have something to do with my blog. Instead of trying to be funny all the time (trying being key word), I am going to try (again key word) and exercise my mind so in the future you just might see opinions, thesis', algorithms, code, whatever I deem necessary to save my brain from total blondness.
I might even start with proper grammar and proofreading.
The blonde gets down to the dark root of the problem!!
How the heck do you buy a car off the internet from another state and exchange cash for title? The car is in Colorado.
Do I have to fly to Denver?
Please , please, for Gah sakes No!!!!
I am not a fan of the people who work at the airport in Denver. I still have nightmares from the Aspen trip. Come to think of it, I didn't care for the people in Aspen either. Not to go into detail but I have never run into such unfriendly people in my life and the women who work for Frontier airlines are just down right mean spirited, unhappy phleebs.
After a formal complaint, I was sent free vouchers in an attempt on their part to intervene and stop a lawsuit that I might file for mental anguish, pain, and suffering inflicted on me by their counter trolls.
I would rather poke fondue sticks through my eyeballs and run naked through the desert waiting for vultures to eat me before I use frontier again.
Bachlorette, What would you like to ask your bachelors.
I would like to ask them to describe what they believe is a perfect relationship.
Bachelor #1. A Latin ex-boyfriend wants me to be his mistress. It should be obvious why he is an ex.
"In my culture the mistress is treated far better than the wife. Now come, we have Tapas so you can have big bottom for me and i can stuff them into very short mini-skirts i buy for you."
An old cowboy who likes to be the bull to the filly. Doesn't think he has to do much but circle the pen and breath heavy.
"We would take the limo out for the evening so I can drink properly. I will continuously ask you to sit on top of me with your skirt hiked up to your elbows because that is my version of romance. I will call you baby and Princess all night long. I will talk dirty to you the rest of the evening. I will keep calling you baby and ask you to touch me in public"
A confirmed bachelor who lives at the very end of Suburbia just before the earth drops off.
We would go to a middle class American restaurant and than watch middle class American television and then have middle class American sex in my middle class American house. I can pick you up in my middle class American car and I will have you back to your car by morning before my middle class American sports shows"
OK, Bachelorette, will it be Bachelor #1, bachelor #2, or Bachelor #3?
Well Mr Woolery
Oh, Please call me Chuck
Whatever, I think I am going to bail from this reality show and go hang out with the midget from Fantasy Island.
I am wearing my thigh high argyle socks with loafers, matching Jean Paul Gaultier argyle sweater and grey mini-skirt...
I understand its not your typical office wear but than again I don't aspire to be a corporate girl.
If I had to wear Ann Taylor or Banana Republic to work everyday..I would shoot myself.
Unfortunately, across the hall...the girls don't care for me much..hhhmmmm...don't care....but one of them spoke to me today. Something I truly try to avoid...ugghhh...on occassion I can't help but run into them at the elevator and I have to be polite and carry on polite conversation.
"You look like a school girl"
"I know, I love the look."
"I could never get away with wearing that to work"
"Of course you couldn't.Your too fat."
"I said of course you couldn't get away with that"
Three things I tend to avoid on the road to make my trip pleasant.
1. Mini-vans. I don't like mini-vans are dumb women on cell phones in SUVs in front of me!! I just don't. Volvo drivers too!! I don't like them either!! There is a world outside your vehicle, people!!!
2. Window stickers with children's names and the sport they play. Now, if I was a pedophile I might be interested in your children but I am not so I don't care!! Political stickers bother me too!!! If you want them, than at least make them creative so I can be amused.
3. SPONTANEOUS LANE EXCHANGE!!!! 50 yards before the next car but for some reason the driver decides that they can't wait and bursts into my lane 5 ft in front of me like a premature ejaculation, its annoyin and makes me have to apply my brakes...very irritating!!
This morning, I encountered a person with all said 3 no-no's. I didn't get mad, I just went around. I looked at the driver, shook my head and moved on. Male...always male in the mini-van..why is that?! Now, If I had to drive a mini van hustling kids around all day. I would be pissed at the world too but don't go picking on me!!!
The idiot had a huge tantrum, weaving in and out of cars just so he could ride next to me to scream through two windows and air. I simply laughed and waved him away with my hand and zoomed off in my respectable car without bumper stickers and with out changing my lane just for the heck of it!!!
Blondes will handle mid-life a little better than most!!!