The bed will actually reach its corner out to kick me in the shins. This isn't the first time.
Its a hateful bed!!
I think the laundry I forgot to put a way had a hand in it, too. The piles of clean folded laundry I took off the bed and set down on the floor next tot he corner had a conversation with the bed and they conspired to trip me up.
Its not my fault I couldn't deal with my bedroom. I had cars to wash, Halloween decor to set up, and bitchy notes to text to strangers that judged my dating preferences.
I have since cleaned my room and made up with my bed and laundry. Its nice to know that even if people don't forgive you, your inanimate objects will.
Although I think I heard them giggling while I slept last night!!
Beds and laundry may break my bones but words only bruise a Blonde!!
The following is a preview of a heated debate using the Iphone keyboard and text:
I am fairly certain I lost.
from the iphone:
letbthe middle man revolt andbsievthe execs for malice unloss the middleman is guilty of lusting it happen unless vptomf for blackam will se permmave enough
I will not vote for a system can be repaired by one man no how well speak nor howany pink flamingos she can trap the redneck vote
end of iphone text....
Don't believe the Iphone is better than the Treo or the Blackberry just because of great ads...learn for yourself...sort of like politics...choose wisely or make a fool of yourself!!
Blondes know there is good and bad in all!!
I too was twisted into buying more than I could afford.
Do I get 3 months moratorium on my credit card payments?
The girl at Nordstrom said I could afford the Balenciaga shoulder bag, if I charged it. I believed her and now I am stuck paying...its not fair...I should be bailed out, too!!
If you want the credit institutions to feel good about giving more credit, why not lower the credit rate on already inflated, beyond the sky, charge cards so people can get a bit of relief to help pay off the original debt?
Then they can buy more, perpetuating new spending...duh!!!
Or just bail out the titans, let the idiots have 3 months free mortgage and make the rich pay for it all!!!
Blondes believe in limits !!!
Blondes have fragile egos, so when your on a date with one don't look at the brunettes that walk by and...
Never, never, never check out the young man with brunette hair directly behind the Blonde at the bar!!
Blondes are afraid of losing game!
...and of course to help them through this time, the pharmaceutical commies have something to help.
A peepee hardener pill.
For a man, he doesn't need to lose weight, he doesn't need antidepressants.
He just needs a pill that will make the 'General' go from flacid to fabulously firm for eight hours.
No wonder all the men leave their wives when they hit midlife crisis.
With a penis that is so hopped up on drugs, its irrational behavior has them seeking out twenty something girls to keep their crack head (pun intended) tweaking until it comes down from the high.
I blame the pharmie commies for the high rate of divorce. That and not having separate bathrooms.
Stop watching each other pee for cricky sakes!!
Blondes say NO to drugs!!
McCain, don't bash socialism, at least they pay for medical and they don't crash markets with corporate greed!!
With regard to Obama...I haven't listened to enough of his speeches to get pissed into commenting!!
Blondes hate politics!!
It is tiring hanging out in a dank office waiting your turn to drive and when so many volunteers are pushy and in the coordinators face wanting the best ones to drive, I was under utilized and done with the whole affair after only a couple of days. Beisdes, I was never going to earn enough points to enjoy a festival badge because the coordinator booked her faves for the extra time.
I decided to spend my time at the Driskill bar just people watching and drinking my wine, which was far more productive as far as enjoying myself.
I may have not met anyone in the industry but I did get to play an actress for a bit.
I found it fun to carry on 'shock conversations' with my friend for the couple sitting behind our love seat. The older gentleman's ear fell off when we began to talk of the Sugardaddy / Sugarbaby web site we played on.
I handed the gentleman back his ear and once it was safely back on his head, we acted out our improv scripts.
We talked about how great it was to be a Mistress to a married man; no strings attached, no commitment, just a whole lot of fun.
And anyone who reads my blog will realize how good an actress I must be to pull off those comments without snorting wine out my nose.
We could barely contain our laughter when I got up to go to the bathroom and the gent's wife followed me in to make sure her husband didn't.
The Blonde loves to act!!
Spiritual herpes exists!!
Having the pleasure of dining with the Captain last night, I am in wonderment of spiritual guidance and those that seek it no matter the avenue they choose as their guide.
The theme of the night started in the car on the way to downtown.
I put the top down and cranked the radio..The DJ was interviewing a psychic. The psychic was describing her ability to be in touch with the aura and psychic energy of callers.
Without knowing it, this would set the tone of the evening.
A wicked co-inky dink was about to unfold.
Dealing with the supernatural, one has to wonder if that little tidbit of radio station would arm me against forces that might otherwise slip by me without a second thought.
With that radio talk, someone was telling me to be careful because maybe the world is more than coincidences and I should walk away from bad influences no matter how much I adore them for their dis-functionality.
I am trying to improve my lot in this world and maybe cavorting with the wrong friends could inhibit me from being with the right ones for me.
I ordered the margs just as the Captain walked up to the bar.
This was psychic herpes, a plague, a disease of which, if I did not remove myself, I would catch it and be alone forever. The Captain believed he was cast a spell by his first girlfriend and forever doomed. He talked of voodoo on the islands and how his love was, for a brief moment possessed by a spirit that wanted a little ecstasy of the flesh so she took the Captain's love for a heated sexual encounter.
When the spirit left, the girlfriend came to, and was a little more than p.o.'ed, that he cheated on her with the dead chick.
The evidence was clear.. he was in bed naked with obvious signs of copulation.\
Denial is futile!!
The Captain was from the islands and voodoo is strong there, and while I don’t believe in any one religion I do believe in a little of all and I am selective in what I believe.
And I believe, if you believe, it is strong and you can do me harm or you can do me good, which ever the winds may blow at that moment.
Whether it be Christianity, Buddhism, voodoo, Wicca…
It’s more the power of the mind to believe in something.If you really listen to signs they will push you in the right direction; because quite frankly Blondes aren’t the only ones lost without faith.
And faith is not in a church, its not in a temple, it is not in a religion, its that little voice that tells you right form wrong and your heart is all you need to guide you.
Cause if you can't listen to your head in these matters.
Logic can't kill the thought of a dead girl wanting to get laid.
The Blonde had a deep moment!!
Finally, a place downtown where I have a quietly reserved place to hang my hat while I write during the Austin Film Festival, of which at the moment, I am not agreeing with so much.
The new director, is along the lines of a gestapo for volunteers. If I hear one more time, from the t-shirt natzi, to wear my ugly volunteer t-shirt, I am going to pluck every hair from her head and explain to her how I have a psychological problem with unfashionable garments and asking me to wear it two days in a row could possibly make me snap at any moment!!
I am also not thrilled with the kiss-arse couple that bogarts the talent pick up from everyone.
My final straw was when they tried to give me a couple with a baby, instead of the crew from the private leer jet!!
I headed for the nearest watering hole to work out my woes and thank Gah, Stephen F Austin had everything I had been missing downtown, from free wifi to proper red wine goblets.
I found a bit of civilization downtown!!
Stephen F Austin is my sanctuary as I extend a helping hand!!
Blondes charity only goes so far!!
After getting an extremely close shave, pop of the head (pun intended), and give yourself a little something, something!!
The great thing about this technologically advanced shaving device is its ability to hide under the radar as a razor but really one must ask themselves?
Why is it being advertised as a man's razor?
Ladies, put down your pink whatever and pick up a man's shaving tool for the closest shave you will ever enjoy!!
Blondes love two kill two birds with one stone!!
Thank you, Governor Perry, for the Katrina trash lingering on every corner of 6th.
Thank you for the paint can sniffers, the drug dealers, and the wacked out, looking for a hand out or a fight, depending on what cleaning product they sniffed.
Thank you for putting the homeless shelter right across the street from the liquor store.
Thank you for killing the music scene and replacing it with urban sprawl and crime.
Thank you for allowing me to feel safer in New York City than my own home town.
Thank you for nothing!!!!
Blondes are out of thank you cards!!!
Take your sheet off and be a man or a woman and own up to your negative comments.
I am not afraid to be bashed, nor beaten, nor dragged in the mud for the truth I believe.
You should aspire to do the same.
Maybe if you weren't so afraid to speak out, our country would have done the right thing and revolted against greed!!!
Blondes hate hidden agendas!!
Palin has shown nothing more than her small town mentality at slinging bologne hash to make the click follow her. Anyone who follows someone that doesn't have the class or the intelligence to fight based on their own merits needs to keep their pink flamingos in the back yard.
Did I just see Palin at the Cheesecake Factory?
I am not a fan of Obama either, but realizing he may be n arrogant prick because he quit smoking on the campaign trail makes me feel better about his candidacy than a post traumatic war veteran who went 'Hockey' Mom on me!!
I vote for Canada to take over!!
I do have one Blonde question?
Why do we have a former terrorist allowed to be a professor?!!
The Blonde has yet to register and still wonders why she should!!!
My catty factor can go from 0 to 12 in a moments notice when trapped in a provincial haven such as the Cheesecake Factory at the Arboretum.
First, let me send an outcry to the inhumanity of serving village sized proportions of food on a single plate for the fat to feed. It was almost torture not to send an outcry to the woman in the sundress getting up from the booth who looked like a walking floral sofa.
Put down the fries and eat broccoli, you cow!!
Next was the Long Island Ice teas ordered by the couple next to me.
Come on!!! Who, without a fake ID orders that crap!!
Moving on to the high school crowed..AKA.. the future rednecks of the world!!
This particular night was a homecoming game. Texan girls decked out in JC Penny satin dresses and armed with little to no manners coming to celebrate something stupid like football and losing their virginity before the next Prom Night.
The very lovely, overly lip-glossed, pudgy chicks from the country high school celebrate by taking up the entire counter of the ladies room to apply more make up and hairspray to kill, not only a few cows across the border, but the the ozone future of our offsprings just to secure their doo's in an effort to bag the football player in the back of some cheesy car; forever surrendering their virtue to an idiot that will be manager of a carpet store in the near future.
As I waited politely for them to take notice that others existed beyond the cattle red rope, it was evident they were in their own little world.
I took it upon myself to give them a lesson in etiquette...subtly.
I delicately reminded them that while its nice to look made up on the outside; that putting red lipstick on a pig didn't take the place of the real beauty that exist from within when showing a bit of decency toward others.
Being gracious enough to see that others exist in this world and need the sink, is a far more lady like thing to do than to apply lip gloss to the point that it looks like they choked on a fried pork chop.
Blondes hate gluttony!!
because I was stuck in a cooking class and helped a girl get a rifle into a dance club and then the cops wouldn't listen to me!
Then I ended up in a consignment shop where the sales ladies ignored me because I said I was a Mistress who bed wedded men, to the girl with the rifle, and I really wanted the pretty little pink Burberry scarf and Christian Louboutin spectator pumps that were high on the wall... and they wouldn't let me have them!
and then I woke up!
The Blonde needs to stop dreaming!
I have yet to fix the sports suspension my rag top
I have to fix the steering on the sedan
I want to
the mechanics bills
I don't want my heels to go
I am as stubborn as a child when it comes to taking my cars into the shop. I hate it and want to throw little temper tantrums at the thought of walking into the service department and seeing the grin that accompanies the gentleman behind the counter.
"Well hello, little lady. How can we unload your wallet today?"
I have to spend an entire day researching, on the internet, and diagnosing my autos' problems to guard myself from blonde poachers at the auto shop. This is the time I wouldn't mind having a permanent time man on my hands.
Do you see what I am saying?
Do you see how desperate I am?
A full time man?! (shaking my head)
Now that I have reconciled the situation, Iwill be busy at the auto shop today.
Blondes have to pay for some things!
Her chosen weapon this time is a mop and her newest concoction for cleaning the floors.
Lavender, which I am highly allergic too (if your remember she gave me lavender tea in the last attempt) is supposedly anti-bacterial. She read a blip in a paper somewhere about this handy 'green clean' and now the house floors are being doused with a healthy dose of lavender oil mixed with some other environment friendly detergent.
My throat is closing up...
My eyes are getting blurry...
I can't breathe...
Blondes need fresh air!!!
First of all, there are more than one Maudie's around town. You don't have to eat at mine. Find one in your area!!
I don't want rednecks mucking up my good living.
I don't need to hear one more comment from some fat husband with his fat wife say something about me or my fashion choices!!
You who understand little more than dungarees and flip flops need to hide your ignorance and stay in your neck of the woods.
And another thing!!
While you are driving in my part of town, I would appreciate a little common decency when it comes to respecting deer and other animals that cross the road. Is it so hard for you to wait 2 minutes to make sure all the deer have crossed instead of barreling through them, like the pins at your bowling ally, in your obnoxious Ford Excursion.
Keep your beer gutting, gas guzzling, style lacking, country backward thinking, global warming, roadkill accumulating arse holes on your side of town!!!!!
And that goes for the men, too!!!
Blondes want a brake for animals!!
Blondes don't follow!!
Live and learn!
I guess Crack Cat was trying to hide his hairless predicament from his posse and went underneath the poolside decking and couldn't get back out.
We looked for him for 2 days. You think he would be hungry enough to cry multiple times and to everyone who was calling him...but NO.
He wouldn't answer me!
Still holding a chip on his shoulder!!
The other cats were awfully quiet yesterday accept for some chuckling from Sophie but that could have been gas; she scarfed down a twinkie she found in the bottom cabinet where there cat food is kept. When asked if they had seen Crack cat...all of them kept a poker face. Something is up. They may have tried to bury Crack cat alive.
This is still under investigation!
Around midnight, we heard a faint cry and rushed to the pool to find Crack cat stuck under the deck. We had to tear up a couple of planks to free the dumb pratt from his shallow grave.
He refused to look at me and promptly went upstairs to the garage to pee.
Yes folks, my gay crack head cat refused to pee outside of his litter box. He couldn't possibly bring himself to pee on the dirt, underneath the deck, where he got stuck no matter how many days he was holding it. The prima donna couldn't chance peeing on himself and the little bit of fur he has left on his belly.
This morning he still refuses to look at me!
I don't think he will let me remedy the situation with a poochie sweater.
The snickering from the other cats and myself have died down. Now the task of figuring out which one was responsible for trying to bury Crack cat alive, is on way.
Someone is paying for the deck with a tail!
Blondes hate bad haircuts!!
After trying to intervene in my cat's nip use, I gave him a bath and shaved off his druggie knotted hair, after he frolicked in dirt and Gah knows what all night long.
You think he would be grateful for the buzz cut...less to lick!
Oh....wait a minute.
Oh, now I got it!
Less to lick!
He is a male cat!
He likes to lick!!
He is mad at me!!
He is punishing me!!
Come on Crack Cat...come home!!
Blondes don't lick pussy. We don't understand!!!
I am not a player!!, he states.
Of course you aren't darling.
Your just relationship challenged.
And, I am not a real Blonde!!
I am actually a brunette who bleaches her hair killing any brain cells that allows me to filter out bull dung!!
I love men and their dungess!!
They can drive a thriving business with a brain fart, but they can't maneauver a simple curve in the road of personal life without driving into a ditch playing with a dumb stick that shifts into high gear with a drop of blood.
Maybe the cure for a dumb Blonde is a shot of the little chrimson to the cerebellum!!
Blondes don't rubberneck an accident waiting to happen!!
I am on the plane this morning trying to buckle in. The buckle was stuck over a screw down in the seat. I kept tugging apparently a little too close to the guy next to me. After innocently fondling his outer thigh a few times in attempt to get my seat buckle, he kindly removed his Ipod bud from his ear, reached down and grabbed the other end of the belt that was not stuck to the screw.
The other end had the buckle!!
Blonde Moment 301
When getting a 'to go' cup of coffee, I always forget to push back the lid part that covers the sipping hole. After several attempts of looking like a blind fool trying to figure out why the coffee wasn't pouring into my mouth, a kind gentleman said...
"You might want to flip the cover back, makes it easier to drink"
Blondes can't hide their blind spots!!