11.28.2008

The Season's True Color

Santa is not the only one wearing a red suit this year. With the economy sporting a deep crimson cloak, I find the ads for Black Friday a little ironic.

I personally wanted to do my part and help out with a little shopping but after my surprise from the men in blue, I won't be wearing designer black any time soon.

I was out first thing this morning to empty my green on a brand new yellow traffic ticket for no inspection, no registration, no seat belt, and a warning for no address change to my license.

To spare myself an extra present from the peace officers bag of goodies, I skipped Neimans and went directly to the courthouse bypassing the 'Go directly to jail' square (Monopoly not included) to share my weekend with a cellmate name Lola who has a penchant for cracking her knuckles and snapping her gum.

I am pleased as leftover apple pie that Lola and I will not meet. Like many Americans, I couldn't afford an extra gift this season, anyway.


Blondes are looking for a brighter future!!

11.27.2008

Don't Be A Turkey


Don't Forget to give thanks for our Troops!!


HAPPY THANKSGIVING

from
the Blonde

11.26.2008

Fast Food is Dangerous

I planned a trip from Lubbock to Austin with Boo and Jesus with a DQ themed road trip. We were to stop at every DQ we saw on the way back home and take pictures with the DQ lips at each venue with our chosen item from the menu in hand for the photo ops.

We stopped at exactly ONE!

That was all I needed for my digestive system jerk me aside and have my stomach grumble at me for more than an hour.

After the stomach pummeling died down, the sugar crash, from the strawberry malt, hit me at 90 miles an hour.

No seriously, I was driving ninety miles an hour when I nodded off at the wheel and crossed two lanes and hit the gravel side before everyone in the car woke up!

There should be a Blonde disclaimer on junk food.

Do not operate heavy machinery or drive while consuming more than your strict dietary guidelines of carbohydrates.

I am only too grateful that I was on a back road and no one was hurt. Needless to say, Boo and Jesus took turns driving while I watched DVD's in the back of the car.

Sometimes it pays to screw up!!!


Blondes should not Drive With Indigestion

11.25.2008

I Am Not Without Faults

I have asthma and at this time of year, my focus is on the air that I breathe.

And because of a certain beau that I have been seeing, it became clear to me that love and breath go hand in hand.

You have know idea how precious air and love are until you struggle to have it.

For me:

I choke.

I can not think straight.

Thoughts are difficult to speak.

And a weight settles on my chest and I am afraid I can not keep it.

Love, like breathing should not be taken for granted.

I do not curse the air because it denied me the previous night.

I do not curse new love because old ones faded.

I can not understand a world that restricts me of both but I know with each passing season, my breath will catch the air and my heart will find new love.


Blondes will not let their heart fail!!

11.24.2008

Blonde Moment 373

Who would have thought that Dallas has a worse allergy season than Austin. In D-town, my eyes would puff up to the size of a golf ball and they were fuzzy and dry like the skin of a kiwi.

I woke up in the middle of the night to see Quazimoto staring back at me. Being a bit vain, I could not stand the thought of waking up hideously mutated in the morning.

Plus I was scaring my friend's dogs.

I looked for hydrocortisone cream to bring down my alien sized eyeballs but being in a new house and it was the middle of the night, I was only able to find a tube labeled 'anti-itch' cream.
I just assumed it was hydrocortisone.

I rubbed the cream on my eyes and stumbled back to bed. I awoke a little later with my eyes feeling like they had been an extra in 'Clockwork Orange'. My eyes were stinging and they felt like an unauthorized eye lift was performed in my sleep.

I teetered into the bathroom and washed my eyes.

I no longer cared about the puffiness, I just wanted the burning to stop. By the time I had washed and rubbed all the cream off and out of my eyes, I looked like I was hit with tear gas.

In the morning I was finally able to open my eyes just enough to read that the tube I used as a beauty product for my eyes contained cream for foot fungus.


Being Blonde is not easy!!

11.21.2008

Scowling Women

Remember when your Mamma told you not to make that face because someday it will keep.

Well, ladies its true especially of the women that gave me dirty little eye wince, as I ate my lunch alone.

I have had women look me up and down before but not to the point of making sure I would notice their sneers. They actually kept it up until I could no longer ignore them. So I looked straight at them, smiled and went back to ignoring them refusing to give them any satisfaction.

It was almost funny, if it weren't really so sad, that someone with so much insecurity and self hatred would want to hurt a stranger's feelings.

I don't know what I was doing other than being myself and smiling and eating my bunless burger and having a glass of vino.

I just minded my own business and really didn't look over at the table again. They really weren't worthy of anyone's attention especially this Blonde. Perhaps they were upset with me for drawing attention to myself by doing nothing more than being happy and sweet. Obviously these women did not know how to master such traits and thus they remained invisible to all the yummie Dallas men that walked past them.

Ladies, learn to smile because you get much sweeter things in life with honey than you do trying to sting people. Insecurity and jealousy looks good on no one, and how you feel on the inside really does show on the outside for everyone to see.

Blondes know being mean is never in style!!

11.20.2008

Blonde Moment 372

Back to back Blonde moments are not rare but not frequent either. Usually it occurs when I am unfamiliar with things.

Take for instance, borrowing my friend's Prius this morning.

There is no key.

There is no sound.

There is no vibration letting a Blonde know the auto is on.

I push the 'go' button.

I push the 'park' button.

I buzz to the store.

I get out of car.

I push the 'alarm' button.

I go into store.

Come back.

Push 'un-alarm' button.


I get in the car and realize...I didn't push the 'off' button!!


This toy car has not been approved for the safety of Blondes!!

11.18.2008

Blonde Moment 371

Why is it called walking the dog?

When picking up dog poom, is no walk in the park!!

I offered to take care of the 'walking', before realizing 'walking' meant potty pick up duty for the Bow Wow twins.

I can understand why girls have dogs the size of their handbags. Its easier to pick up peanut size drops of poom as opposed, to say, one very large German Shepard with a finicky tummy.

Is it me or is it Murphy's law? That the one the size of Sasquatch has to have the upset tummy. His shiat is the size of a ferret!!

Now imagine a beautiful fall day and a pretty Blonde, in her brand new Juicy Couture pink jumpsuit with matching clogs decides to take the dogs for a walk in the neighborhood.

She grabs the leash, the recycled plastic newspaper bag and heads out the door with two lovely white pooches.

Now imagine the Blonde picking up the poom, not realizing there was a hole in the side of the bag, drops the bag, flicks her hand to get the poom off her pinky.

The poom hits her sunglasses she trips and falls on the bag of poom!!


Blondes realize their is no dignity in doo-ing the right thing!!

Krups Shoot


Its a dice shoot, every time I hit the on/off button, with my new brew machine.

I am on my third pot of hot water.

The coffee maker says automatic grind but its not automatically grinding!!

I have been poking at the Krups, like a blonde chimpanzee trying to find the magic button.

I have resorted to making a cup of tea while I stare at my Krups KM7000.

Apparently, power of the mind doesn't work on this brand of coffee maker.

Where are my car keys?


Blondes are betting on Starbucks!!

11.17.2008

When do you know?

When do you know that l0ve is real and you should fall?

Remember when we were seventeen and the world dropped at our feet at the thought of love?

We hung on the phone for hours with only fifteen minutes of conversation and the rest filled with dead air and a simple satisfaction that we were together, even if we weren't.

We would dangle the ear piece while we watched the tele, or did our nails, or used magic marker to script up our school spiral notebook cover with 'love me hearts' announcing the name of our beloved.

At this age, do we get that anymore?

We may not have the spiral notebook but we have the emails from the very first communication to print out and hold in our jewelry box.

Some things for a women, Blondes included, never change....the jewelry box with little mementos of lovers will forever more carry us to our grave.

I have held on to every single florist card, bracelet, concert ticket, even fortunes from a ccokie left over from a shared Chinese dinner.

For me, true love is willing to empty that box of memories so I can fill it with new ones...

and a brand new wardrobe!!


Blondes like falling in love with new ideas!!

The Loss



Last night's Redskin loss to the Cowboys has killed any hope I might have had that my team would finally get to go to the Superbowl again!!


The Blonde needs a day of silence!!

11.16.2008

Irony

is being in Dallas to watch my beloved Redskins play the Cowboys.

Duh, I know the game is in D.C.

Didn't I say it was ironic!!

I am not that Blonde.

OK, I am but its really just irony this time!!

Anyhoo,

I don't know who is going to win, but at the moment my team has kept a small lead for most of the game. However, as positive as I am, I still lose faith for mini-seconds and I need a distraction to cool my negative thoughts which might have the potential to jinx my boys.

I am crossing my fingers!!

Did I mention, the new coach is a cutie!!

Again, Anyhoo,

While I sit here waiting through the nonexistent half time show of Bruce and his new album, I thought it would be a great time to introduce my ungrateful, unloving cats that haven't once called to see how I am doing.

Twinkie eating, trailer park beauty feline....Miss Sophie

The book end cats....Crackhead and Lela

I would include a photo of Gustaf Vladimir cat, but I have not gotten permission from his agent and he would sue my arse for copyright infringement. I really should stop feeding him...he is not a nice kitty!!

Blondes heard pets help with stress....Go Skins!!

11.13.2008

Fake Guitar

similar to air guitar only you have the instrument but even less the ability to play

but when I am on top of the world, only one thing can help me scream my elation

and that is me strumming my guitar

only its different this time
because
after the world wind romance I just experienced

I realize anything is possible

including me finally learning how to play my Black Betty properly.


Blondes suddenly hear music everywhere!!

11.10.2008

I Love Austin

but I am a big city girl!!

Dallas will soon be my new second home or maybe my first (time will tell where I hang longer but I think I know), cross my fingers and hope I don't screw anything up.

I would like to be less superficial and say my move is based solely on the thought of falling in love with a man but baby, the Galleria stole my heart first.

I was like a big kid in a new candy store. I wanted everything!!

Its a good thing I cut up my cards, long before this shopping spree, because I would have been in serious debt denial just for the boots and handbags alone.

The decedant ecenomic stimulation that was going on between my wallet and the Armani store would leave Palin in the dust with her GOP lending closet.

I am a slut for clothes. It is my crack. My addiction to style and looking good fed by every wonderful inch of the Galleria has fed my need that I can not leave it, not even if you promised me speed bumps in Westlake to stop the Bambi roadkill I have endured on a weekly basis.

I love you Austin, I truly do but you lack two things I truly need right now...

The love of a good man...

and the love of every salesperson in the designer stores in the Galleria.


The Blonde is finding her place in this world!!

11.08.2008

Byting off More than I can Chew

...and as I rarely post on a weekend, this is quite a treat for you!!

Yes, I am a bit cocky this morning.

I had a few good date nights this week which I totally needed before my self esteem goes down the tube. I just can't seem to close a deal over the tele-cellie these days.

As you all know, I hate the phone, hate talking in it with a passion. I am much better in the flesh...

Having to get to know someone over the cellie is silly, it can't be done properly.
I think the gents believe I am not interested in what they have to say, but I am,very much so. But I want to see them face to face so I can ask questions, lean in on extremely interesting stories, flirt with their eyes when there is a lull in conversation, show him how excited I am about being with him...

You can't do any of these things over the wire!!

I have been through more virtual men than Neo in the Matrix that when the real ones are finally sitting in front of me they are totally gold, the holy grail...because the reality is I hate internet dating!!

It seems most of the dating occurs over the internet and after a couple of replies you break up silently and without warning and never meeting. Its tiring and time consuming and I can just as easily pick someone up in a grocery store, a bar, or waiting on the curb at the airport.

I don't know if its easier to find a real relationship or its just easier not to try to make one work because you have a virtual catalog of new avatars to date.

The Blonde needs a gigabit of a break!!

11.07.2008

City of Angels

For everyone that is about to turn cynical on dating...

Take a deep breath...

Exhale...

and fall!!

And even if you only get to experience the rush of chemistry for only one night...

Embrace it without a second thought to longevity.

Afterall, its not how long you can love someone but how much you can love them
with the time you have!!

Get your mind out of the gutter!!!

The Blonde didn't say 'make love' to them!!

11.06.2008

November 16th



VS






Blondes hate an ass!!

Stopped at the Airport

A couple of weeks ago when I was volunteering for the Film Festival, I was standing outside the airport waiting to pick up Greg Daniels, producer of "The Office", when a hot guy in a silver Porsche drove up and stopped along side of me.

"Are you here to get me?"

"Are you with the film festival?"

"No"

"Good, you have a better ride anyway."

"I really just wanted to say hi to a pretty girl."

"You should be even bolder and ask the pretty girl for her number."

"What's your number?"

"Oh, I don't give my number out to strangers."

"Oh."

"But for you I will make an exception."

So, I gave him my number and he drove off. I heard from him last week and we have a date for First Thursday in SOCO tonight. I picked the deck of Mars to start and then we can stroll the shops for a bit.

If it goes badly, you will hear about it.

If it goes well, you will hear about the shopping!!


Blondes don't kiss and tell!!

Political Hoopla


is over, at least for me. I am exhausted and tired of hearing about it.
I actually did not vote because I would not vote against my party. I just didn't want my party to win. I am one of those disillusioned voters.

To celebrate the end of the idiocy error ( I meant era), I went shopping yesterday to help out the economy.

It is the least I can do.

I decided to go wickedly sexy this season.

I have been watching Housewives of Atlanta and something just made me want to kick up my game again. I love Kim and her style is like mine, although I lack the double D transplants, I have a better butt.

Anyhoo,

I am also stepping up my game because I am back on the internet dating trail and nothing makes my day more than when I walk into the bar at the Four Seasons or Driskell and watch the man's chin drop.

And yes, you will have the first edition of all failed dates..not that I have had many lately but I will see what I can drum up for you.

I know you love it when the Blonde suffers!!

Now just because I look good doesn't mean I am going to rev up his chemistry meter for me.
But I have gotten good at knowing who will work and who will not after a few emails. So far my track record has been very good.

While Blondes tend to get along with everyone, we know there are a few that just won't go beyond a first meet and so why bother.

First, if the man wants to have coffee for the first meet I tend to stop the communicado. Coffee houses are cheap and the conversation gets pretentious. Also, I am not into speed dating and really how much coffee can you drink.

Second, is the man who likes kayaking. I am not a granola girl. I will go camping only if its on the balcony of a luxury hotel suite. I like to hike, after all its basically just walking without shops around, but camping, fishing, kayaking...that is for the blue, not the pink.

Third is the man who likes writing. I am not a pen pal and having to foster a relationship through writing seems silly to me. I usually limit my emails to 3 or 4 back and forths otherwise you end up with men that really aren't interested in much more then passing the day away out of boredom. These men are usually out of state.

Which is a shame because I found I like more men out of state than the ones in state and I am not at all above relocating to a coastal destination. But I just get tired of trying to dazzle so many with my writing skills.
My creative energy is getting zapped.
Having to be clever all the time tends to tire me to the point of not finishing the writing that actually pays.

Needless to say, I need to settle upon a boyfriend fairly soon before I lose all my writing skills. And there isn't much of that skill to spare, according to the grammar natzi!!


Blondes are not made to jump through hoops!!

11.05.2008

Yes You Did



CONGRATS OBAMA!!!


You can't blame whitey no mo!!!

Unfortunately, you still have rednecks and ultra church going conservative haters that were offensive and vulgar toward last night's winner.


Hopefully we can change them too!!


The Blonde says yes we can!!

11.04.2008

I would Vote


but I don't want to miss the election on television.


The Blonde says go out and vote for me!!

11.03.2008

Attempted Murder

My Mother who takes great pleasure in trying to kill me, over andover again!

I am busy pecking away on the computer, trying to finish the revisions to my book, and Mother comes hopping in from her garden and lays down a flat basket filled with garden goodies including a very smelly batch of chives on the desk right next to me and left the room.
I have no idea why other than she wants to kill me but doesn't actually want to witness it.

Immediately, I began to wheeze and gasp for air!!

"Mother, can you take your weeds off the desk please.
This is the library not the kitchen."

"Mother!"

"Mu--gasp, gasp!!"


Blondes need to watch other Blondes like a hawk!!

11.02.2008

Congrats Texas Tech!!!!


I held my Breathe the entire last 2 minutes!!!

With one second left to go and a very most awesome pass and catch...you reminded me of my precious Redskins!!!

Blondes feel bad for the Longhorns...NOT!!!!

Trick or Treat

I was hanging my head at my friend's lake house this weekend. We meant to shut the gate before the trick-or-treaters began to march around the neighborhoodin seaerch of candy, but we forgot.

Two little 5 year olds came up the driveway.

While I was digging in my purse for some dollar bills, my freind answered the door. He just placed his hand in their bag and thumped the side of it to make the sound of candy dropping.
The children were too young to call him out on this deception but they knew something was up.

In their innocent little voices they said, "What was that?"

My friend said, "Invisible candy. Don't tell anyone!!"

Once they left and we closed the gate, we both laughed.

I said, "Your lucky they weren't six or they would have made you prove it."

He said, "I am glad they weren't eight or they would have burned the house down if I couldn't prove it."


Blondes love Halloween!!!
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