Allergy pills don't just dry out your nose
they dry out other parts that weren't meant to be dry
Good news....My eyes don't itch anymore!!
The bad news...something else does. Ladies, you know.
I'm on the phone with my friend and while he tells me his disgusting tales of his boogie clots in his nose, I further the ante on the grossness level by talking about yeast infections.
We are thoroughly disgusted with each other but laughing hysterically and both being artists our creative juices (pardon the pun) begin to flow.
I said it would be a challenge to write a story that makes a yeast infection sexy and my friend who was sucking on a Popsicle said yes it would.
"God a Popsicle would feel so good on it right now."
"I wonder what flavor would work best"
my friend " I think cherry"
"No, grape, definitely grape."
Seriously, how would cherry be better than grape?
Grape it is...
AHHHH
OHHH...yes!!!
AAAAHHHHHAAHHH!!!!
OUCHHHHHHHHHH
Freezer Burn!!!!
Freezer Burn!!!!!!
Blondes should never talk to a guy about popsicles!!
1.29.2008
1.28.2008
Holy Jesus!!
I let a guy read the bible to me!!
I didn't touch the bible for fear it would set aflame!!
We also held hands and said a prayer,
My thoughts at the moment of my surrender or would it more appropriate to say ambush?
"Take my hands"
"Where?"
"Now pray with, me"
"Can I have a glass of wine first?"
"His is the size of a moose"
"I wonder if this prayer really works"
" I guess I should stop thinking about his penis"
"Can I get in trouble for praying and thinking about sex at the same time?!"
"How is Christ going to save me while I'm thinking about the moose?!"
"AMEN"
"Uhmmm..Amen...I surrender to the almighty Moose!!!
Consequently after my prayer...that evening.... I used a certain lotion that burned a certain somethin, somethin...AGAIN!!!!
God has a way of burning the non-believer.
Blondes have VIP status at all the hot nightclubs in hell!!
I didn't touch the bible for fear it would set aflame!!
We also held hands and said a prayer,
My thoughts at the moment of my surrender or would it more appropriate to say ambush?
"Take my hands"
"Where?"
"Now pray with, me"
"Can I have a glass of wine first?"
"His is the size of a moose"
"I wonder if this prayer really works"
" I guess I should stop thinking about his penis"
"Can I get in trouble for praying and thinking about sex at the same time?!"
"How is Christ going to save me while I'm thinking about the moose?!"
"AMEN"
"Uhmmm..Amen...I surrender to the almighty Moose!!!
Consequently after my prayer...that evening.... I used a certain lotion that burned a certain somethin, somethin...AGAIN!!!!
God has a way of burning the non-believer.
Blondes have VIP status at all the hot nightclubs in hell!!
This week's Craigslist Loser
Sarkozy had a paramour, so why not me ? -m4w - 35
Reply to: pers-538755606@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-01-14, 12:23PM EST
If you know what that refers to w/o googling it, we're off to a good start, b/c presumably you're aware of what's going on elsewhere in the world. It's fine to google, by the way.)
Paramour = someone compelling and attractive for discreet, extracurricular shenanigans
Time marches on while we are mired traffic and domestic responsibilties, slowly stagnating mentally and sexually (many of us, anyway). Acceptable but not an ideal scenario, so those that are a bit more restless and open-minded philosophically should reply to kick off what could be a most interesting and fruitful conversation. It would be best if you were young or spry enough to be nubile, lithe, or trim but mature enough to be emotionally confident, wise to some extent, and not particularly giggly (intelligent humor is perfectly acceptable and recommended, however.) Pubs, museums, your place, and dark corners are some potential locales for the innapropriate libidinous fun to follow and the sweaty sexual escapades surely to ensue. I have no plans to run for public office or change the official standing at home, so your mischievous nature, political views, and carnal preferences are safe w/ me.
... and please don't make me articulate the discretion and your d/d free status,
1.25.2008
Life is still a Ball Y'all
Your table is ready! Follow me...
We follow and I am doing my strut through the restaurant.
We eat
We talk
peeps join us
Peeps point out that the Lead Singer of Janes Addiction is sitting next to us along with Sony big wigs
Who's Janes Addiction?
You know Carmen Electra's ex-hubbies band
OH
anyhoo
Dinner's over
Time to do my strut out
As we are walking out there is this table of women..I think five of them..not one of them smiling and just giving me and my date a look like I killed their bunny rabbit.
I can't help it, I had to say something..
I didn't stop but I did.... casually slow down so I could throw out a little advice
"Scowling isn't sexy ladies... Maybe that's why y'all are sittin alone tonight!!"
Poor girls
Blondes can't help but want to help!!
We follow and I am doing my strut through the restaurant.
We eat
We talk
peeps join us
Peeps point out that the Lead Singer of Janes Addiction is sitting next to us along with Sony big wigs
Who's Janes Addiction?
You know Carmen Electra's ex-hubbies band
OH
anyhoo
Dinner's over
Time to do my strut out
As we are walking out there is this table of women..I think five of them..not one of them smiling and just giving me and my date a look like I killed their bunny rabbit.
I can't help it, I had to say something..
I didn't stop but I did.... casually slow down so I could throw out a little advice
"Scowling isn't sexy ladies... Maybe that's why y'all are sittin alone tonight!!"
Poor girls
Blondes can't help but want to help!!
Life is a Ball Y'all!!
I'm tall...and pretty...and I can walk a room like no one's business so of course people are going to look and focus on me and if I happen to be on a date with an older guy..they focus on him too!!
Boy do they focus!
There was an older couple sitting at the bar when we walked in..the woman kept tapping her husband's arm and him being a man tried to do his best of being non-obvious..I'm thinking it didn't matter because she worse than he was at it...
They kept looking and finally my date and I proceeded to the other end of the bar but not before I leaned into the couple and said...
"You know contrary to popular belief, I'm not paid for....I work for free!!"
They just had a ball gossiping about us and I had a ball that I reached infamous status...even if it was just for the evening...
The blonde never turns a fan away!!
Boy do they focus!
There was an older couple sitting at the bar when we walked in..the woman kept tapping her husband's arm and him being a man tried to do his best of being non-obvious..I'm thinking it didn't matter because she worse than he was at it...
They kept looking and finally my date and I proceeded to the other end of the bar but not before I leaned into the couple and said...
"You know contrary to popular belief, I'm not paid for....I work for free!!"
They just had a ball gossiping about us and I had a ball that I reached infamous status...even if it was just for the evening...
The blonde never turns a fan away!!
1.24.2008
Millionaire Mate!!!
Yes my blog has a financial tone this week, probably do to my ever so concern over the recession and state of..blah...blah...blah...
Where was I? OH yes!! Idiots!!
I was having fun with CL for my poser exposer blog which I have since dismantled because of boredom. You run into one idiot, you run into them all...and they seem to congregate in CL..Hhmmmm!!
Where was I? Oh Yes...Idiots!!
I wrote:
absolutely the funniest personal on craigslist..I'm LOL...seriously..great stuff....
I would love to have some of the replies for my blog..could you forward some of the idiotic responses to me..I would love it for my blog..
Thanks Via
The generated response back:
Hi
Thank you for your interest in my Cl ad. Right now, I am at work and I
promise to properly respond to your email when I get back.
Obviously, because of who I am, I must keep everything very discreet
so the stock holders of my company stay happy.
If you want, you can take a look at my profile / pictures at
http://www.freeqdi.com/recommends/Michael
My user name is mpregini
Let me know your user name so I can look you up and contact you.
This website is geared towards millionaires and keeps my privacy very
secured which is why I use them.
I even had to prove my financial status before being able to join.
I am not promoting this website it is pretty much a buffer between the
crazy people of the world (which I am sure you're not) and myself.
Just let me know your user name and we'll go from there.
I apologize that I have to do it this way but I met a crazy woman off
CL just the other day and
it is easier for me to use the website as a buffer.
My reply back:
your kidding, right? this has to be a joke? you need to be discreet and don't use CL but you do use CL to promote the millionaire poser site....LOL
good luck with your site
I get same auto response from him
and than a month later I get a personal note:
Sorry to disappoint Via
I am real
and than the auto response is sent to me again..
Idiots amuse the blonde!!
Where was I? OH yes!! Idiots!!
I was having fun with CL for my poser exposer blog which I have since dismantled because of boredom. You run into one idiot, you run into them all...and they seem to congregate in CL..Hhmmmm!!
Where was I? Oh Yes...Idiots!!
I wrote:
absolutely the funniest personal on craigslist..I'm LOL...seriously..great stuff....
I would love to have some of the replies for my blog..could you forward some of the idiotic responses to me..I would love it for my blog..
Thanks Via
The generated response back:
Hi
Thank you for your interest in my Cl ad. Right now, I am at work and I
promise to properly respond to your email when I get back.
Obviously, because of who I am, I must keep everything very discreet
so the stock holders of my company stay happy.
If you want, you can take a look at my profile / pictures at
http://www.freeqdi.com/recomme
My user name is mpregini
Let me know your user name so I can look you up and contact you.
This website is geared towards millionaires and keeps my privacy very
secured which is why I use them.
I even had to prove my financial status before being able to join.
I am not promoting this website it is pretty much a buffer between the
crazy people of the world (which I am sure you're not) and myself.
Just let me know your user name and we'll go from there.
I apologize that I have to do it this way but I met a crazy woman off
CL just the other day and
it is easier for me to use the website as a buffer.
My reply back:
your kidding, right? this has to be a joke? you need to be discreet and don't use CL but you do use CL to promote the millionaire poser site....LOL
good luck with your site
I get same auto response from him
and than a month later I get a personal note:
Sorry to disappoint Via
I am real
and than the auto response is sent to me again..
Idiots amuse the blonde!!
Promises, Promises, Promises
If your going to tell me you saw a mink coat at the store and you had a fantasy about me wearing it...you better buy it!!
What is it with men dangling pretty little things, and not your penis, in front of me and than never giving it to me.
Its called being a tease and blondes don't like a tease anymore than a man does.
Its like window shopping..its not shopping if you aren't buying. I don't go into a store that I cannot afford and look at all the pretty things I can't have. Why would I do that? It would just make me feel bad that I can't have them. I don't go around putting dollar bills in the pocket of fur coats or inside handbags while wearing it around the store and than get mad because the coat and handbag can't come home with me!!
I just assume play imaginary millionaire with my Vogue. Sort of like what men do with their playboy magazine.
If its the thought that counts, don't tell the blonde!!!
What is it with men dangling pretty little things, and not your penis, in front of me and than never giving it to me.
Its called being a tease and blondes don't like a tease anymore than a man does.
Its like window shopping..its not shopping if you aren't buying. I don't go into a store that I cannot afford and look at all the pretty things I can't have. Why would I do that? It would just make me feel bad that I can't have them. I don't go around putting dollar bills in the pocket of fur coats or inside handbags while wearing it around the store and than get mad because the coat and handbag can't come home with me!!
I just assume play imaginary millionaire with my Vogue. Sort of like what men do with their playboy magazine.
If its the thought that counts, don't tell the blonde!!!
1.23.2008
I was thinking...
I know, I know...a blonde thinking? What's next, putting someone on the moon.
Where was I?
What was I thinking?
Damn, I forgot..
the blonde will get back to you!!!
Where was I?
What was I thinking?
Damn, I forgot..
the blonde will get back to you!!!
1.21.2008
1.17.2008
I'm not Romantic
I tried once to make a romantic picnic.....once!!
It took me all day to find the perfect blanket.
Then it took more days to find matching picnic accessories
then I had to go to the grocery store
than I hunted for tiki torches
than my outfit...
drive to small park by the lake
romantic means I get sex
Ask people if I can have park to myself
wait for people to leave park
park is clear
start setting the mood
its hot
the grass is spiky
Mosquitoes
Is that spider
picnic table is icky
go to store
buy a tent
come back
its really hot
the grass is spiky
is that a huge spider?
freaking mosquitoes
get the food out
drink all the sangria
light the stupid tiki torches
cook the stupid food
get in the stupid tent
kiss the stupid boyfriend
hot
sticky
sweaty
eeewww ...on my pretty new picnic blanket
clean up stupid picnic stuff
go home
Romance to a blonde is room service at the Four Seasons...!!
It took me all day to find the perfect blanket.
Then it took more days to find matching picnic accessories
then I had to go to the grocery store
than I hunted for tiki torches
than my outfit...
drive to small park by the lake
romantic means I get sex
Ask people if I can have park to myself
wait for people to leave park
park is clear
start setting the mood
its hot
the grass is spiky
Mosquitoes
Is that spider
picnic table is icky
go to store
buy a tent
come back
its really hot
the grass is spiky
is that a huge spider?
freaking mosquitoes
get the food out
drink all the sangria
light the stupid tiki torches
cook the stupid food
get in the stupid tent
kiss the stupid boyfriend
hot
sticky
sweaty
eeewww ...on my pretty new picnic blanket
clean up stupid picnic stuff
go home
Romance to a blonde is room service at the Four Seasons...!!
1.16.2008
I'm sorry I don't do Geriatric!!
I get this call from some woman that was from dating network said I was recommended to her by someone and would I be interested in dating this great guy, retired, wants to spoil,blah, blah, blah....but...
Yeah...I already knew there would be a but...I didn't know it would be a geriatric butt...
and here is the BIG, BIG but...
"He's a little older"
"Ok..50 maybe? 60?"
No my fans...he was 75 freakin years old..retired IBMer..can you gross me out any more than that..pictures of my Dad flashed before my eyes..
and Im rinsing my eyes!!
nope.
still seeing Dad...
rinse and repeat,
rinse and repeat!!
Who on God's green earth, my age, besides Anna Nicole Smith would date a 75 year old man...OH..yes the "Girls Next Door"
Are you seeing the pattern?!!
They are all bottled blondes!!!
She continues:
When he travels its only in condos..
yeah right..you mean time shares!!
he water skiis?!!
yeah right, you mean rides a pontoon boat!!
he wants to spoil someone?
you mean he is spoiled
He wants to get married!!
how many great grandkids in the will?
Holy Cow, lady..I know your desperate but I'm NOT...who said I was?! Did someone say I was desperate?!
Well, why don't you think about it?
Um..yeah thought over....
Excuse me?
I mean I don't think its for me and could you please remove my Gold Digger status button on your list!!
I will call my friends to see if they have any Grandmothers that need a date!!
There is a difference between bottled and Blonde!!
Yeah...I already knew there would be a but...I didn't know it would be a geriatric butt...
and here is the BIG, BIG but...
"He's a little older"
"Ok..50 maybe? 60?"
No my fans...he was 75 freakin years old..retired IBMer..can you gross me out any more than that..pictures of my Dad flashed before my eyes..
and Im rinsing my eyes!!
nope.
still seeing Dad...
rinse and repeat,
rinse and repeat!!
Who on God's green earth, my age, besides Anna Nicole Smith would date a 75 year old man...OH..yes the "Girls Next Door"
Are you seeing the pattern?!!
They are all bottled blondes!!!
She continues:
When he travels its only in condos..
yeah right..you mean time shares!!
he water skiis?!!
yeah right, you mean rides a pontoon boat!!
he wants to spoil someone?
you mean he is spoiled
He wants to get married!!
how many great grandkids in the will?
Holy Cow, lady..I know your desperate but I'm NOT...who said I was?! Did someone say I was desperate?!
Well, why don't you think about it?
Um..yeah thought over....
Excuse me?
I mean I don't think its for me and could you please remove my Gold Digger status button on your list!!
I will call my friends to see if they have any Grandmothers that need a date!!
There is a difference between bottled and Blonde!!
I am gonna be a Supa Star!!!
in the greeting card arena...Hey!! I'm still getting published and considering I have only been at this writing thing for about 6 months..
I am definitely on schedule to being famous or infamous..
doesn't really matter as long as I get paid.
so I am thinking about a line of 'dump' cards...
I thought I would start with:
I am definitely on schedule to being famous or infamous..
doesn't really matter as long as I get paid.
so I am thinking about a line of 'dump' cards...
I thought I would start with:
MY BAD
I SLEPT WITH YOUR
BOYFRIEND
SORRY ABOUT
YOUR BREAK UP
I SLEPT WITH YOUR
BOYFRIEND
SORRY ABOUT
YOUR BREAK UP
OR
YOUR THE
ONLY ONE
THAT DIDN'T SEE
IT COMING
SORRY ABOUT THE BREAKUP
I wonder if there is an award ceremony for card writers??! hhhmmm...
anyhoo...
gotta run...my email boyfriend and I are getting engaged and I have to shop for a jpeg ring
Blondes are funny...yes, we are!!
ONLY ONE
THAT DIDN'T SEE
IT COMING
SORRY ABOUT THE BREAKUP
I wonder if there is an award ceremony for card writers??! hhhmmm...
anyhoo...
gotta run...my email boyfriend and I are getting engaged and I have to shop for a jpeg ring
Blondes are funny...yes, we are!!
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