I Am a Gay Man

...in a woman's body.

My catty factor can go from 0 to 12 in a moments notice when trapped in a provincial haven such as the Cheesecake Factory at the Arboretum.

First, let me send an outcry to the inhumanity of serving village sized proportions of food on a single plate for the fat to feed. It was almost torture not to send an outcry to the woman in the sundress getting up from the booth who looked like a walking floral sofa.

Put down the fries and eat broccoli, you cow!!

Next was the Long Island Ice teas ordered by the couple next to me.

Come on!!! Who, without a fake ID orders that crap!!

Moving on to the high school crowed..AKA.. the future rednecks of the world!!

This particular night was a homecoming game. Texan girls decked out in JC Penny satin dresses and armed with little to no manners coming to celebrate something stupid like football and losing their virginity before the next Prom Night.

The very lovely, overly lip-glossed, pudgy chicks from the country high school celebrate by taking up the entire counter of the ladies room to apply more make up and hairspray to kill, not only a few cows across the border, but the the ozone future of our offsprings just to secure their doo's in an effort to bag the football player in the back of some cheesy car; forever surrendering their virtue to an idiot that will be manager of a carpet store in the near future.

As I waited politely for them to take notice that others existed beyond the cattle red rope, it was evident they were in their own little world.

I took it upon myself to give them a lesson in etiquette...subtly.

I delicately reminded them that while its nice to look made up on the outside; that putting red lipstick on a pig didn't take the place of the real beauty that exist from within when showing a bit of decency toward others.

Being gracious enough to see that others exist in this world and need the sink, is a far more lady like thing to do than to apply lip gloss to the point that it looks like they choked on a fried pork chop.

Blondes hate gluttony!!

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