Body Parts

I needed a part for my Jaguar. After 6 auto part stores telling me the piece would have to be special ordered, I was getting very frustrated because I needed the part now. The guy at the sixth store asked me, "Does the Jaguar dealership not have one in stock?"

"Huh?!"

"The Jaguar dealership sells parts?!!"



So I tucked my blonde tail in between my legs and went to the dealership.

Hhmmmm


Now I wonder where can I get my hands on SAAB parts.



Blonde really need to work on thought process!!

Big Toys

...go hand in hand with big boys!!

Range Rovers are cool but a gigantic Excursion with a lift kit is sooo much cooler!!

I like Range Rovers...I know lots of non-descript boringly successful people who drive them. I have actually been on a date with some of them.

All I can shout out is...

THERE IS NOTHING BETTER than a really fun guy who is confident enough with himself that he not only doesn't feel it necessary to follow the status quo but he can roll over them like they were pebbles in the street!!

I like being in a truck that can squash a Hummer like it was a bug on a windshield!!

I can't imagine anything more fun than pulling up to the front of Jeffreys and having to hop out in my little Bebe dress and heels making a grand entrance with this beast.



Getting on this thing and riding it...


Mmmmm, Mmmmm, Mmmmm


and the truck rides just as well!!


Anyhoo,



Blondies like great big dates!!

Minke or Mammals?

Its between the Minke whales and the Nova Scotia mammals!!

Seeing as I can't join the U.S. Coast Guard and the Swedes at Greenpeace won't let me on their ship, I have decided to help out the Kanuks. They need volunteers to watch the effects of global warming on the mammals. A week or two of observation with a bit of monetary contribution and I get to leave my blonde spec on this planet knowing I did a little something, something to help better this place for future generations.



I want to show Mama Earth some love before I am buried beneath her dirt.


Don't you?!



Check out www.volunteerabroad.com


Blondes love where they live!!

Blonde Moment 397

I have a problem with night blindness. It happens around dusk, things just look different to me.

Take for instance last night around 7 at the lake.

I was leaving the marina and on the shoreline are all these ducks and one crazy large bullfrog. It was the same size as the ducks!!

I probably was a 100ft away from the ducks and the gigantic frog.

I stare at it. I stare again to get a good look at it.

The frog moves!

It's not a Frog!! Its a giant lizard.

I squint

I see its a large lizard!!


With a fish in its mouth!

I start pointing at it and telling people to look at the large lizard with the fish in its mouth.

Everyone is looking

No one can see the enormous Iguana with the fish!!

I point

I scream, "Its next to the other ducks!"

The crowd can't see it!

I point again

"There, right there!!"

Then all of the sudden...

the iguana moves

UH

OHhhhhh


Its not a frog

Its not a lizard

and its definitely not a giant iguuana with a fish in its mouth



It was a duck butt!!

Yep!!

The butt of a duck!!

I wish I could blame my hallucination on some mind altering pill but unfortunately its just a blonde brain and night vision problems that thought the ass of a duck was the head of a lizard.

...and I had to share this moment to everyone like I was a 5 year old at the zoo pointing at a cage and telling everyone to look. Only when a grown girl points to an elephant and says look at the donkey, its not as cute.




Blondes can be really blind!!

Blinded by Blonde Moment Bus Tour 2008

First stop on the blonde's bus tour:

I forgot the cat was in the house until I woke up to the sounds of a heaving feline upchucking all over my duvet.


Next stop on Blondie's bus:


I was excited to wear my new dress from Paris but after looking for 20 minutes in my closet, I remembered I left it in the hall bath to be steamed. I found it this morning crumpled up and washed with my bath towls.

It is now a paris frock


Our final stop on the blinded by blonde bus tour...

I walked out of the house this morning and I look over at my pretty little convertible in the rain


...with the top down.


Good times...


Good times...

Blondes love special moments like these!!

Grand Poobah of Wine Daddys

I made a blonde booboo last night by popping into my favorite wine boutique.


OOPS: Blonde memory: at this very instance I just realized I left my wine at the store. Make mental note to pick it up after work...tomorrow...when my brain fog dissipates.

Anyhoo!


I usually go to my most favored liquor store in Davenport on Thursday but its salary review time and I needed a little something, something after work to settle the fact I might have to look for another payway due to my salary demandage being probably more than what the company is willing to swallow, which blows because I really like the peeps I work with.

But the Blonde needs to think of herself and her wardrobe.

Anyhoo!!


The Grand sommelier as they say in wine country was very talkative today and instead of his usual suggestions he popped open a little German number that was totally delish.

Mmm, Mmmm, Mmmm

Uh Oh!!

Here, here try this

Cork comes off

Try this

Uh Oh

Ohhh, Mmmmm

Try this

Cork comes off

Try this

Uh Oh

Oh, this is good

Mmmm, Mmmm, Mmmmm

Uh Oh


UH

OHHHH


NOOOOO


Needless to say, todays blog is short because I am barely able to sit straight in my chair without grunting because its too hard, coffee just rushes the wine that is still in my blood to my head, I really want the comfort of super-sized Micky D's and...

My hair hurts!


Blondes should not hangover the edge!!

Blonde Moment 311

Besides wearing the pair of Armani shorts with the dangling string adorning the back as I sat down to use the little girls seat?!

Oh yes!

I played with Eharmony and Chemistry's profile thing.

How many times can a Blonde fall for dating sites?!

More than she cares to admit but what can I say?

I am a hopeless Romantic.


Now, the site is sending me messages to join. Dangling matches in front of me like a pair of 2 carat diamond stud earrings. I am sure they are hoping that one of these profiles might send a sparkle to my eye and in a Pavlovian like response send my hand into the Fendi to whip out the Louis to retrieve the plastic card that in times of a bullish market gives me a small orgasmic shiver whenever I swipe it through the card reader.

But!

I am in an economic down turn and love will just have to find me for free for now!


Chemistry and E don't match very well and they don't let you see photos before joining! That's like having too many drinks and waking up next to a face your afraid to look at because you forgot what you brought home.


Why would anyone need 6 months of dating if their scientific method of matchmaking is proven so effective? I have no doubt, that the company that provides Chemistry's and Eharmony's stamp of approval is the very same one that certifies the power of every new weight loss pill on the market.

The cost for one month is $60(high compared to Match) or you can join the extended plan, $23 a month but billed one time for 6 months, blah, blah, blah. In a time of money crunch, I feel the dating sites might be hitting a soft future not to mention many of their clients. Highlights and Viagra are yesterdays luxury along with finding love.


I just assume buy a bottle of wine, play with myself, and deposit my savings into another penny stock company.



You know the economy is bad when a Blonde can't buy love!!

Running from the Law

...or at least not relinquishing to his alert.

I was stuck in traffic with my top down and I took the seat belt off because in the SAAB it presses down on your shoulder. Great design if your going to role, bad comfort design if your sitting in the sun.

The traffic was at a standstill. Not much moving in the opposite direction either.

I was busy picking out tunes on my player when the warning beep from a police perpetrated my ear drum.

I looked up and over the grassy knoll of the median a "peace" officer is trying desperately to navigate his way through a statuary highway.

I think he wanted me?!

Hhhmmm...

Oops!

Uh Oh!!

Like an unbelievably shy freshman girl who just got winked at by the senior varsity running back...My eyes jumped to my beltless chest in a gazelle like sprint.

My mind ran even faster as hundred dollar bills flashed before my eyes.

I took my little ragtop off the beaten path, cutting through only a few vehicles as I maneuvered it to the nearest emergency exit, which happened to be the parking lot of a church. Thank goodness it was Catholic. I have an affiliation so technically speaking (in my mind) I have been given sanctuary on this little get away; but just to be safe I will include a drive by prayer for the 'Mega Famous Religious Icon of Our Times' next time I am in his pray pad.

On my way home, I enjoyed the scenery that was brought to me by the little detour through Westlake Hills-- with my belt on, of course. I wasn't about to tempt fate a second time especially when divine intervention offered up a free pass through the Almighty's parking lot.


I don't want to sound ungrateful but I still have to do something about ther chafing fabric against my skin. I wonder if Hermes sells something that doesn't look like a fuzzy maxipad strapped to my shoulder belt?



Blondes hate being part of the click!!

Brain freeze

has gotten me to thinking about the polar bears. My slushy cup could actually help save the fuzzy ice laden cuddlies or at least the technological advances that go into making my cup could help. No reason for nature not to share in the fruits of our destructive labors.

I am talking about Styrofoam, my friends or Stryrofoam--Polar Bear's friend!

Big molded mountainous heaps of it floating with an anchor out in the middle of the ocean or sea or wherever polar animals roam. A virtual floating lounge chair offered as salvation and rest until they can swim another thousand miles for eats and treats.

I do not share the opinion of my office buddy, as we are forced to squint during a a daring inhalation on our slurpees spoon/straw, who says polar bears should go extinct if they aren't smart enough to adapt to changing climate conditions.
I wonder what would happen if we turned the heat up in the loft and let the water evaporate from her cat's bowls? I am fairly certain she would find a way to find water even from a thousand miles away. The Polar bears aren't mucking up the planet and driving humans to extinction. They aren't turning up the heat and evaporating the earth.

The Chinese are doing that, well, mostly the Chinese!!

Since they have already gotten a severe tongue lashing from Sharon Stone, I will spare mine. Of course I might have blamed the sudden release of energy in the Earth's crust that created a seismic wave which in turn caused said land to shift and break apart to create a natural damn and flooding for most of their problems but karmic retribution for the Tibetans, wasn't bad.

If I were going to push the envelope like Sharon and you know I like to.
I would say the Tibetans had their hand in a curse on the Chinese.

Think about it.

There was voodoo and flooding in New Orleans.

Coincidence?!

I don't know?! Lets ask Sharon!

Sharon can you open your legs wider, noone can hear you answer?!


Anyhoo,

Polar bears can't change that quickly. Can we?! I hope so.

But until that day comes lets throw a little landfill in the water. Let's recycle styrofoam and make resting stops for the bears. I know what it feels like to miss the last rest stop on the highway and having to practice continence for what seems like the space between a double wide continent and the next ceramic disposal unit.

In an emergency I can always pull over and find a tree.

I am just asking that we put an emergency pee tree in the ocean for the animal-polars.

If your with me on this, email the idea to the World Wildlife Fund. Click on the Monkey reading the paper in my links and help me spread the idea.


Blondes brake for squirrels too!!

Maxing my Memory

Remember Max Headroom. I haven't thought about him since MTV stopped playing music videos and replaced monuments like Dire Straights and Tom Petty with reality sick shows and Flave. We should all be grateful to him for wearing the clock around his neck to distract from his fugly mug.

Its funny how things just sit at the back of our head and years later something gets plucked from the back of the hippocampus: its the cortical structure, neural pathways that connect to the cortex which are all heavily involved in declarative memory–the memory of facts and events.

Seeing as no two people are alike nor political parties, no two facts or memory recount will be the same. One remembers their side and the other remembers their side and no one is right and every one is wrong. S-s-s-see why I put Max at the top?

Its as if our synapsis' are like tiny little bumper cars moving about the brain and getting knocked back in thought by a blonde brain bubble.

Its a phenomenon that the medical society hasn't seemed to grasp onto as a plausible study of which they could obtain sizable research grants--I am sure. I think their is an educational validity to studying brain farts. Really I do.

President Bush has them all the time. Don't we want to dissect and s-s-s-s study his brain--especially as elusive as his thought process is?!
The Republicans realized early in the show that they needed a big bumbling head because putting Dick or Connie in front scared little children and a majority of adults.

Dems and Pubes will always have different recounts of events and facts especially during an election year. They will try to distract us with their avatars and we forgetting about past elections and broken promises will watch them with the same enthusiasm as when Max moved to his own sitcom. We will sit obediently and watch the political heads speak of change but unfortunately like Max who is only twenty minutes into the future, our candidates are only that far into a campaign, not a Presidency. What we are seeing is only the tip of the promising iceberg that eventually will melt under the heat of opposition and the reality will settle in and like the polar bears, we will struggle to keep our heads afloat a little longer.


One things is-s-s-s for sure. Its going to be a bumpy ride over the political landscape with all these bubble heads!!



Blondes like being independent!!

City Girl ....

is back to being urban.


I am missing out on a significant amount of counter culture hanging with an older posse. For now, I just want to hang with carbon based life forms in my own age bracket before the ancient ones deplete any more of my youth.


I need to be surrounded by the true speakers of our generation. Techno Hippies man!! I dig the artists, musicians, and the social site freakies (I say that with love)of my culture class. I want to hang with life participants that can enter the carnival ride without being fore-warned that some rides are dangerous to the heart and we all know I am one of those rides.

This summer I am not the trophy girl sitting quietly by as deals are made. I am trading in my pearls for my pookas and I will be coasting around the town before I decide if I want to hit LA for my writing career!!


Indiana Blondes are back!!

Hell hath No Fury

like a blonde stuck in traffic class.

Why does everything associated with the DMV have to be so grungy and I am including the patrons of said spots.

Traffic class is a round up of everyone who feels cleanliness is reserved only for special dinners at Olive Garden or Marie Calenders.

"Whippy lets git dressed and have Dairy Queen food served on china!!"

I am fairly certain I alienated everyone in the class yesterday. There might be one or two left that have to be converted back to whence they came. I am definitely not warm and fuzzy when it comes to being polite in phleebville.

Of course once they realize the pretty blonde isn't extra sweet with sugar on top, they make special point to talk smack. I deserve it.

Smack away kids...I don't shy away from intimidation tactics, as a matter of fact, I revel in them. Maybe if I pop a few xanax before class I can be some what civil to these Oprahnites but than where would my fun be?


I might have been a little less than diplomatic when it came to the idiot laughing about hitting a tree while totally intoxicated but come on!!

Bragging about getting totally wasted, DUDE... for your 911...is lamer than my vibe version of the account.


DuDe, Dude..were not drunk enough to drive. Stop at your sisters house and get another 12 pack of Coors ( pronounced curz by the hillbilly affiliate).

I feel I am doing everyone a favor when I show no mercy to the "too ill equipped to have a brain fart" phleeb. I know everyone gets on the defensive when they are confronted with someone pointing out their idiocy. Its OK, I will take it, especially when I could save a life by making this guy think for a moment that the tree he smashed could have been a family in a car.

I'm not judging, OK, maybe I am but some people just don't think far enough into their actions. Life is like a chess game. Its a series of moves you think in your head before ever laying out your first pawn. Along the way the strategy may have to be changed up and you may not win every time but at least your not running over a rook with a truck.

Come on peeps, my family and friends share the road with you...so be COOL!!


Blondes like steering the way!!