Bachlorette, What would you like to ask your bachelors.
I would like to ask them to describe what they believe is a perfect relationship.
Bachelor #1.
A Latin ex-boyfriend wants me to be his mistress. It should be obvious why he is an ex.
"In my culture the mistress is treated far better than the wife. Now come, we have Tapas so you can have big bottom for me and i can stuff them into very short mini-skirts i buy for you."
Bachelor #2.
An old cowboy who likes to be the bull to the filly. Doesn't think he has to do much but circle the pen and breath heavy.
"We would take the limo out for the evening so I can drink properly. I will continuously ask you to sit on top of me with your skirt hiked up to your elbows because that is my version of romance. I will call you baby and Princess all night long. I will talk dirty to you the rest of the evening. I will keep calling you baby and ask you to touch me in public"
Bachelor #3.
A confirmed bachelor who lives at the very end of Suburbia just before the earth drops off.
We would go to a middle class American restaurant and than watch middle class American television and then have middle class American sex in my middle class American house. I can pick you up in my middle class American car and I will have you back to your car by morning before my middle class American sports shows"
OK, Bachelorette, will it be Bachelor #1, bachelor #2, or Bachelor #3?
Well Mr Woolery
Oh, Please call me Chuck
Well Buck,
Chuck
Whatever, I think I am going to bail from this reality show and go hang out with the midget from Fantasy Island.
Dwarf
Excuse me
Tatoo was a dwarf
Why would I want a tattoo of a dwarf?
Blondes need to play a better hand!!
4.03.2008
Greed E-bay
What the h- e- double hockey sticks is going on with people. Greedy, greedy people.
I recently inquired on a L.A.M.B. trench coat I liked on Ebay. Now knowing the seller had a peak interest from me, she raised the price of the coat.
What the Frack!!
"Hi, I noticed you raise the price of your coat."
"Why yes I did. I noticed how much you wanted it so I thought I would screw you out a few more dollars."
"Wow, I can't thank you enough. Money has been burning a hole in my pocket ever since I heard I am getting the $600 payola the gov is giving me not to hate Bush."
"Oh, really, no problem. I have some shoes you might want to. They totally aren't your size and I will price them high so I can buy a sweater for my parakeet."
"Forget the shoes...let me just buy the sweater for your bird. I will be at the pet store anyway buying cat food for myself"
Blondes don't pay anyone a compliment!!
I recently inquired on a L.A.M.B. trench coat I liked on Ebay. Now knowing the seller had a peak interest from me, she raised the price of the coat.
What the Frack!!
"Hi, I noticed you raise the price of your coat."
"Why yes I did. I noticed how much you wanted it so I thought I would screw you out a few more dollars."
"Wow, I can't thank you enough. Money has been burning a hole in my pocket ever since I heard I am getting the $600 payola the gov is giving me not to hate Bush."
"Oh, really, no problem. I have some shoes you might want to. They totally aren't your size and I will price them high so I can buy a sweater for my parakeet."
"Forget the shoes...let me just buy the sweater for your bird. I will be at the pet store anyway buying cat food for myself"
Blondes don't pay anyone a compliment!!
4.02.2008
Office Attire
I am wearing my thigh high argyle socks with loafers, matching Jean Paul Gaultier argyle sweater and grey mini-skirt...
I understand its not your typical office wear but than again I don't aspire to be a corporate girl.
If I had to wear Ann Taylor or Banana Republic to work everyday..I would shoot myself.
Unfortunately, across the hall...the girls don't care for me much..hhhmmmm...don't care....but one of them spoke to me today. Something I truly try to avoid...ugghhh...on occassion I can't help but run into them at the elevator and I have to be polite and carry on polite conversation.
"You look like a school girl"
"I know, I love the look."
"I could never get away with wearing that to work"
"Of course you couldn't.Your too fat."
"Excuse me?"
"I said of course you couldn't get away with that"
Blondes don't have time for small talk!!!
I understand its not your typical office wear but than again I don't aspire to be a corporate girl.
If I had to wear Ann Taylor or Banana Republic to work everyday..I would shoot myself.
Unfortunately, across the hall...the girls don't care for me much..hhhmmmm...don't care....but one of them spoke to me today. Something I truly try to avoid...ugghhh...on occassion I can't help but run into them at the elevator and I have to be polite and carry on polite conversation.
"You look like a school girl"
"I know, I love the look."
"I could never get away with wearing that to work"
"Of course you couldn't.Your too fat."
"Excuse me?"
"I said of course you couldn't get away with that"
Blondes don't have time for small talk!!!
4.01.2008
More Fool's
Consumers...
Exactly when did fashion designers and editors convince us that polyester is the new silk?!
Who the heck pays hundreds of dollars to wear leisure suit fabric?
Its oleophylic which means, it retains odor!!
Did you know you can boil polyester?! Not only will it not damage the fabric but it will actually help remove odor.
Did you know polyester is nothing more than plastic melted down to thread and woven for your grossness!!!
Stop wearing polyester...go back to natural fibers before we ruin the planet with bad taste
Blondes hate being plastic!!!
Exactly when did fashion designers and editors convince us that polyester is the new silk?!
Who the heck pays hundreds of dollars to wear leisure suit fabric?
Its oleophylic which means, it retains odor!!
Did you know you can boil polyester?! Not only will it not damage the fabric but it will actually help remove odor.
Did you know polyester is nothing more than plastic melted down to thread and woven for your grossness!!!
Stop wearing polyester...go back to natural fibers before we ruin the planet with bad taste
Blondes hate being plastic!!!
Happy Fool's Day
Do we really need to celebrate fool's??!!
Fine!! Who am I to be a party pooper!!!
Happy Fool's Day Bankers!!!!!!
Blondes don't think anyone should get bailed out!!!
Fine!! Who am I to be a party pooper!!!
Happy Fool's Day Bankers!!!!!!
Blondes don't think anyone should get bailed out!!!
Mini Man
Three things I tend to avoid on the road to make my trip pleasant.
1. Mini-vans. I don't like mini-vans are dumb women on cell phones in SUVs in front of me!! I just don't. Volvo drivers too!! I don't like them either!! There is a world outside your vehicle, people!!!
2. Window stickers with children's names and the sport they play. Now, if I was a pedophile I might be interested in your children but I am not so I don't care!! Political stickers bother me too!!! If you want them, than at least make them creative so I can be amused.
and STOP....
3. SPONTANEOUS LANE EXCHANGE!!!! 50 yards before the next car but for some reason the driver decides that they can't wait and bursts into my lane 5 ft in front of me like a premature ejaculation, its annoyin and makes me have to apply my brakes...very irritating!!
This morning, I encountered a person with all said 3 no-no's. I didn't get mad, I just went around. I looked at the driver, shook my head and moved on. Male...always male in the mini-van..why is that?! Now, If I had to drive a mini van hustling kids around all day. I would be pissed at the world too but don't go picking on me!!!
The idiot had a huge tantrum, weaving in and out of cars just so he could ride next to me to scream through two windows and air. I simply laughed and waved him away with my hand and zoomed off in my respectable car without bumper stickers and with out changing my lane just for the heck of it!!!
Blondes will handle mid-life a little better than most!!!
1. Mini-vans. I don't like mini-vans are dumb women on cell phones in SUVs in front of me!! I just don't. Volvo drivers too!! I don't like them either!! There is a world outside your vehicle, people!!!
2. Window stickers with children's names and the sport they play. Now, if I was a pedophile I might be interested in your children but I am not so I don't care!! Political stickers bother me too!!! If you want them, than at least make them creative so I can be amused.
and STOP....
3. SPONTANEOUS LANE EXCHANGE!!!! 50 yards before the next car but for some reason the driver decides that they can't wait and bursts into my lane 5 ft in front of me like a premature ejaculation, its annoyin and makes me have to apply my brakes...very irritating!!
This morning, I encountered a person with all said 3 no-no's. I didn't get mad, I just went around. I looked at the driver, shook my head and moved on. Male...always male in the mini-van..why is that?! Now, If I had to drive a mini van hustling kids around all day. I would be pissed at the world too but don't go picking on me!!!
The idiot had a huge tantrum, weaving in and out of cars just so he could ride next to me to scream through two windows and air. I simply laughed and waved him away with my hand and zoomed off in my respectable car without bumper stickers and with out changing my lane just for the heck of it!!!
Blondes will handle mid-life a little better than most!!!
3.28.2008
Magazines 'harm male body image'
I found this article on BBC.com. I can't imagine anyone being influenced by bodies from a magazine.
Magazines 'harm male body image'
Younger men who read so-called "lads mags" could be psychologically harmed by the images of perfect male physiques they contain, research suggests.
Dr Giles said: "The message in typical lads' magazines is that you need to develop a muscular physique in order to attract a quality mate.
"Readers internalise this message, which creates anxieties about their actual bodies and leads to increasingly desperate attempts to modify them."
Blah, Blah, Blah
What is this world coming to?!
Men wanting to look like the models in magazines?!
Thank Gah women are immune to such superficiality!!!
Thump!!
Thump!
Is my sarcasm microphone working!!!
Testing!!
testing, 1, 2, 3!!
Blondes would never fall prey to false advertising!!
Magazines 'harm male body image'
Younger men who read so-called "lads mags" could be psychologically harmed by the images of perfect male physiques they contain, research suggests.
Dr Giles said: "The message in typical lads' magazines is that you need to develop a muscular physique in order to attract a quality mate.
"Readers internalise this message, which creates anxieties about their actual bodies and leads to increasingly desperate attempts to modify them."
Blah, Blah, Blah
What is this world coming to?!
Men wanting to look like the models in magazines?!
Thank Gah women are immune to such superficiality!!!
Thump!!
Thump!
Is my sarcasm microphone working!!!
Testing!!
testing, 1, 2, 3!!
Blondes would never fall prey to false advertising!!
Wonder Lips
Poofy Lips are the new in thanks to Angelina and Brad. Everyone wants them and I am no exception.
I have seen bad lip work done, and quite frankly if you like kissing farm animals, aka. duck lips, than you should be fabulously happy knowing there is an endless supply.
I on the other hand opted for Bridget Bardot style lip ( if your not into french actresses than more like Tracy Lords--you do know Tracy?) and thus decided to have the fat extracted from my bum to have injected underneath the lip line for that sexy poof.
While the swelling was still in play I looked more like Kim Bassinger's character on the Simpsons but now I am all Bridget...ok, ok...more like Cameron Diaz but whatever.
My favorite part about my new pucker is knowing that everytime a man kisses me on the lips, he is actually kissing my ass...
Blondes love their ass kissed!!!
I have seen bad lip work done, and quite frankly if you like kissing farm animals, aka. duck lips, than you should be fabulously happy knowing there is an endless supply.
I on the other hand opted for Bridget Bardot style lip ( if your not into french actresses than more like Tracy Lords--you do know Tracy?) and thus decided to have the fat extracted from my bum to have injected underneath the lip line for that sexy poof.
While the swelling was still in play I looked more like Kim Bassinger's character on the Simpsons but now I am all Bridget...ok, ok...more like Cameron Diaz but whatever.
My favorite part about my new pucker is knowing that everytime a man kisses me on the lips, he is actually kissing my ass...
Blondes love their ass kissed!!!
3.26.2008
The unSophisticat!!
My dear little Sophie cat if you consider the size of a dog house little for a cat.
My little trailer trash titty twitty cat. Its not her fault she didn't get to go onto kitty porn stardom and now eats twinkies and 3 cans of 9 lives a day to hide the pain.
Poor darling can't get around her belly to save her life. She has a bum that she should clean on her own but unfortunately Miss Sophie hasn't seen said private part since her infamous days as the star of 'Pussy will Oh, Oh Oh!!'.
She knows its there and occasionally she tries to find it. She digs her claws in deep into the carpet and tries to inch her head way past the rolls of fat and fur from her neck to her belly to achieve her goal of pure cat clean but alas her poundage is cruel and only rolls to the side to tease Miss Sophie and than it jiggles back in place. The sheer force of the weight dislodges her dug in claw and she is thrown back in a sea lion like spread only to cover up her faux pas by licking the air a few times.
Will someone stop the spectacle and go get a handy wipe for the feline fatastrophe!!
Blondes hate to see a Diva have to beg!!
My little trailer trash titty twitty cat. Its not her fault she didn't get to go onto kitty porn stardom and now eats twinkies and 3 cans of 9 lives a day to hide the pain.
Poor darling can't get around her belly to save her life. She has a bum that she should clean on her own but unfortunately Miss Sophie hasn't seen said private part since her infamous days as the star of 'Pussy will Oh, Oh Oh!!'.
She knows its there and occasionally she tries to find it. She digs her claws in deep into the carpet and tries to inch her head way past the rolls of fat and fur from her neck to her belly to achieve her goal of pure cat clean but alas her poundage is cruel and only rolls to the side to tease Miss Sophie and than it jiggles back in place. The sheer force of the weight dislodges her dug in claw and she is thrown back in a sea lion like spread only to cover up her faux pas by licking the air a few times.
Will someone stop the spectacle and go get a handy wipe for the feline fatastrophe!!
Blondes hate to see a Diva have to beg!!
Old Band Aids
Yes..that's right...old band aids.
Do you keep?
No you don't. Why?! besides being totally gross. Duh!!
Because you don't need them to remind you of every little boob-boo you got growing up.
The big ones leave scars and you remember from these scars not to do certain stupid things again..like oh say..ride the handle bar of your sisters bike going 30 miles an hour down a gravely hill.
or making your sister play Oscar the Grouch in the trash can. Its all fun and games until the can tips over and someone's head gets cracked over a rock.
I loved Oscar!!
You can't open old wounds that have healed unless you dig deep enough, but than isn't that just creating a new one?!!
Didn't your Mom ever tell you not to pick at the scab...makes me cringe just to write that word..yuk!!
Uh Hello, I'm a blonde in case you haven't been paying attention...sometimes I trip up...its part of my nature..but at least I pick myself up, dust myself off, and learn not ride handle bars down the hill...well at least not the same hill!!
So don't go asking me to dig up old wounds. I am blonde..I don't have any!!
Blondes don't go deeper than the root!!
Do you keep?
No you don't. Why?! besides being totally gross. Duh!!
Because you don't need them to remind you of every little boob-boo you got growing up.
The big ones leave scars and you remember from these scars not to do certain stupid things again..like oh say..ride the handle bar of your sisters bike going 30 miles an hour down a gravely hill.
or making your sister play Oscar the Grouch in the trash can. Its all fun and games until the can tips over and someone's head gets cracked over a rock.
I loved Oscar!!
You can't open old wounds that have healed unless you dig deep enough, but than isn't that just creating a new one?!!
Didn't your Mom ever tell you not to pick at the scab...makes me cringe just to write that word..yuk!!
Uh Hello, I'm a blonde in case you haven't been paying attention...sometimes I trip up...its part of my nature..but at least I pick myself up, dust myself off, and learn not ride handle bars down the hill...well at least not the same hill!!
So don't go asking me to dig up old wounds. I am blonde..I don't have any!!
Blondes don't go deeper than the root!!
3.25.2008
I don't want to eat crow!!
OK...so my idiot friend who only thinks of himself and not the plight of all humanity has decided to go on a business trip to N.C. and cannot fly to Austin to return the sweater!!
Which means I will have to go back into that store to return the sweater and let them exchange it for clothes found online!!
I hate that!!
I hate store credit because it is downright extortion. It's legalized money bullying....making me buy something I don't want to buy!!
It is clearly fortunate for these money mongers that I found something I like on their online store and can exchange the sweater. Although they are forcing me to buy a matching beach bag with the extra credit left and I have to pay for shipping.
Considering everything I have recently been through...I just don't feel like taking on the world this week...
I will take the crow sauteed with wilted spinach, please....
Blondes hate having to swallow their pride!!
3.24.2008
Desperate Deisel
I was given a gift from Diesel. It was a sweater, nothing fabulous and decided I wanted to return it.
Going into the store you can feel the desperation when they see my bag.
"OH No..not a return." thought the caddy gay sales clerk.
"Let's bug the crap out of you until we find something to replace that sweater..shall we?!" said the cute anorexic salesgirl.
No thank you..I will just look on my own
"No, No we want to bother you" says anorexic salesgirl
"We really don't want to take your return" says caddy gay sales clerk
I got that thank you but really if I wanted retro 80's graffiti clothes I would have held onto mine
"So how about looking through the catalog" other shadow of a girl salesperson
No thank you, just the money please.
"Well we can't give it to you. I will have to get the super smug manager." says anorexic salesgirl
Excuse me!
"No we have to give you a store credit because we want to make this difficult and painful for you" says super smug manager.
Well than I will call my friend and he can give you his card over the phone..that will work.
Speechless..and they are thinking..and they are thinking..."uh, uh...well we need the physical card." says little lying super smug manager.
Wow. that's pulling it from the bottom of the desperation bag. Fine..I will just fedex the sweater to my friend so he can return it in Houston.
BTW..your clothes suck this season!!
Go home
Check Diesel online for Houston store
Damn..no store in Houston
Fine..new Plan!!
Ring,
Ring,
voice mail...
Hi darling..hate for you to go out of your way but its the principal of the matter. I need you to fly here by Friday to return a sweater.
Blondes always find a way to stand on principal!!
Going into the store you can feel the desperation when they see my bag.
"OH No..not a return." thought the caddy gay sales clerk.
"Let's bug the crap out of you until we find something to replace that sweater..shall we?!" said the cute anorexic salesgirl.
No thank you..I will just look on my own
"No, No we want to bother you" says anorexic salesgirl
"We really don't want to take your return" says caddy gay sales clerk
I got that thank you but really if I wanted retro 80's graffiti clothes I would have held onto mine
"So how about looking through the catalog" other shadow of a girl salesperson
No thank you, just the money please.
"Well we can't give it to you. I will have to get the super smug manager." says anorexic salesgirl
Excuse me!
"No we have to give you a store credit because we want to make this difficult and painful for you" says super smug manager.
Well than I will call my friend and he can give you his card over the phone..that will work.
Speechless..and they are thinking..and they are thinking..."uh, uh...well we need the physical card." says little lying super smug manager.
Wow. that's pulling it from the bottom of the desperation bag. Fine..I will just fedex the sweater to my friend so he can return it in Houston.
BTW..your clothes suck this season!!
Go home
Check Diesel online for Houston store
Damn..no store in Houston
Fine..new Plan!!
Ring,
Ring,
voice mail...
Hi darling..hate for you to go out of your way but its the principal of the matter. I need you to fly here by Friday to return a sweater.
Blondes always find a way to stand on principal!!
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