The Family Shylock

You wouldn't think my Father a ruthless money lender, but he is.

Trust me!!! By the time he is finished with you, you wish he had just broken your knee caps.

"Can I cash your check?"

"Can I cash your check?"

"Can I cash your check?"

No matter the time of day or the place, if he sees you, he will ask...You feel like you have been stuck in the back of a station wagon with a kindergarten loan shark and no one will stop the car so you can kick the little tot to the curb.

"Do you have my money?"

"Did you make the deposit?"

"Can I cash the check?"

He systematically wears your mental psyche down until you can no longer take it and you begin teetering on the brink of insanity. He stops right at the point of you twiddling your fingers on your dangling bottom lip because he knows if the men in little white coats lock you up in a mental institution he won't get his money.

He backs down only to bring in the hired guns.

Yes, My Mom is on his payroll.

"Hi darling, how is Dallas. I am so happy for you. By the way..."

"Do you have your Father's money?"

"He is driving me crazy."

"Do you have the money to give him?"

"Call when you have the money."

The little gypsy is getting a percentage of the take.

Its been twelve hours since I borrowed the cashola and I am already thinking about knocking over a convenient store.

Blondes hate bad loans!!

Bozo the Blonde

OK..so this weekend was grey and cold and I felt like lightening things up a bit. More to the point, I tried to lighten my own hair.

My color turned orange!! I looked like a clown gone rogue!

So...to kill two birds with one stone, I decided to pay my traffic fines and head straight to the salon, for an emergency correction, since it was on the way.

I paid my tickets, fixed my hair and got my nails done.

Its a gorgeous day, I am looking fine, I turn up the tunes and cruise back home.

And, Bam!!!

I was pulled over for cruising by the speed trap at a minimal 13 miles per hour.

It's the beginning of the December month and the road traps are everywhere.

I talked my way out of a second warning for inspection, registration, address change.

I would have been able to talk my way out of the speeding ticket but its understandably bonus time for the men in blue and they have Xmas shopping to do.

Normally I would be totally peeved about this second invasion of my driving time but my local peace officers but looking fab and on my way to Dallas tomorrow, I really have no care in the world.

I just look at it as supporting my community. With all the extra money the police have made from me this week, someone is getting a new bullet proof vest for the holidays.

Blondes aren't the only ones with their time of the month!!

The Season's True Color

Santa is not the only one wearing a red suit this year. With the economy sporting a deep crimson cloak, I find the ads for Black Friday a little ironic.

I personally wanted to do my part and help out with a little shopping but after my surprise from the men in blue, I won't be wearing designer black any time soon.

I was out first thing this morning to empty my green on a brand new yellow traffic ticket for no inspection, no registration, no seat belt, and a warning for no address change to my license.

To spare myself an extra present from the peace officers bag of goodies, I skipped Neimans and went directly to the courthouse bypassing the 'Go directly to jail' square (Monopoly not included) to share my weekend with a cellmate name Lola who has a penchant for cracking her knuckles and snapping her gum.

I am pleased as leftover apple pie that Lola and I will not meet. Like many Americans, I couldn't afford an extra gift this season, anyway.


Blondes are looking for a brighter future!!

Don't Be A Turkey

Don't Forget to give thanks for our Troops!!


HAPPY THANKSGIVING

from
the Blonde

Fast Food is Dangerous

I planned a trip from Lubbock to Austin with Boo and Jesus with a DQ themed road trip. We were to stop at every DQ we saw on the way back home and take pictures with the DQ lips at each venue with our chosen item from the menu in hand for the photo ops.

We stopped at exactly ONE!

That was all I needed for my digestive system jerk me aside and have my stomach grumble at me for more than an hour.

After the stomach pummeling died down, the sugar crash, from the strawberry malt, hit me at 90 miles an hour.

No seriously, I was driving ninety miles an hour when I nodded off at the wheel and crossed two lanes and hit the gravel side before everyone in the car woke up!

There should be a Blonde disclaimer on junk food.

Do not operate heavy machinery or drive while consuming more than your strict dietary guidelines of carbohydrates.

I am only too grateful that I was on a back road and no one was hurt. Needless to say, Boo and Jesus took turns driving while I watched DVD's in the back of the car.

Sometimes it pays to screw up!!!


Blondes should not Drive With Indigestion

I Am Not Without Faults

I have asthma and at this time of year, my focus is on the air that I breathe.

And because of a certain beau that I have been seeing, it became clear to me that love and breath go hand in hand.

You have know idea how precious air and love are until you struggle to have it.

For me:

I choke.

I can not think straight.

Thoughts are difficult to speak.

And a weight settles on my chest and I am afraid I can not keep it.

Love, like breathing should not be taken for granted.

I do not curse the air because it denied me the previous night.

I do not curse new love because old ones faded.

I can not understand a world that restricts me of both but I know with each passing season, my breath will catch the air and my heart will find new love.


Blondes will not let their heart fail!!

Blonde Moment 373

Who would have thought that Dallas has a worse allergy season than Austin. In D-town, my eyes would puff up to the size of a golf ball and they were fuzzy and dry like the skin of a kiwi.

I woke up in the middle of the night to see Quazimoto staring back at me. Being a bit vain, I could not stand the thought of waking up hideously mutated in the morning.

Plus I was scaring my friend's dogs.

I looked for hydrocortisone cream to bring down my alien sized eyeballs but being in a new house and it was the middle of the night, I was only able to find a tube labeled 'anti-itch' cream.
I just assumed it was hydrocortisone.

I rubbed the cream on my eyes and stumbled back to bed. I awoke a little later with my eyes feeling like they had been an extra in 'Clockwork Orange'. My eyes were stinging and they felt like an unauthorized eye lift was performed in my sleep.

I teetered into the bathroom and washed my eyes.

I no longer cared about the puffiness, I just wanted the burning to stop. By the time I had washed and rubbed all the cream off and out of my eyes, I looked like I was hit with tear gas.

In the morning I was finally able to open my eyes just enough to read that the tube I used as a beauty product for my eyes contained cream for foot fungus.


Being Blonde is not easy!!

Scowling Women

Remember when your Mamma told you not to make that face because someday it will keep.

Well, ladies its true especially of the women that gave me dirty little eye wince, as I ate my lunch alone.

I have had women look me up and down before but not to the point of making sure I would notice their sneers. They actually kept it up until I could no longer ignore them. So I looked straight at them, smiled and went back to ignoring them refusing to give them any satisfaction.

It was almost funny, if it weren't really so sad, that someone with so much insecurity and self hatred would want to hurt a stranger's feelings.

I don't know what I was doing other than being myself and smiling and eating my bunless burger and having a glass of vino.

I just minded my own business and really didn't look over at the table again. They really weren't worthy of anyone's attention especially this Blonde. Perhaps they were upset with me for drawing attention to myself by doing nothing more than being happy and sweet. Obviously these women did not know how to master such traits and thus they remained invisible to all the yummie Dallas men that walked past them.

Ladies, learn to smile because you get much sweeter things in life with honey than you do trying to sting people. Insecurity and jealousy looks good on no one, and how you feel on the inside really does show on the outside for everyone to see.

Blondes know being mean is never in style!!

Blonde Moment 372

Back to back Blonde moments are not rare but not frequent either. Usually it occurs when I am unfamiliar with things.

Take for instance, borrowing my friend's Prius this morning.

There is no key.

There is no sound.

There is no vibration letting a Blonde know the auto is on.

I push the 'go' button.

I push the 'park' button.

I buzz to the store.

I get out of car.

I push the 'alarm' button.

I go into store.

Come back.

Push 'un-alarm' button.


I get in the car and realize...I didn't push the 'off' button!!


This toy car has not been approved for the safety of Blondes!!

Blonde Moment 371

Why is it called walking the dog?

When picking up dog poom, is no walk in the park!!

I offered to take care of the 'walking', before realizing 'walking' meant potty pick up duty for the Bow Wow twins.

I can understand why girls have dogs the size of their handbags. Its easier to pick up peanut size drops of poom as opposed, to say, one very large German Shepard with a finicky tummy.

Is it me or is it Murphy's law? That the one the size of Sasquatch has to have the upset tummy. His shiat is the size of a ferret!!

Now imagine a beautiful fall day and a pretty Blonde, in her brand new Juicy Couture pink jumpsuit with matching clogs decides to take the dogs for a walk in the neighborhood.

She grabs the leash, the recycled plastic newspaper bag and heads out the door with two lovely white pooches.

Now imagine the Blonde picking up the poom, not realizing there was a hole in the side of the bag, drops the bag, flicks her hand to get the poom off her pinky.

The poom hits her sunglasses she trips and falls on the bag of poom!!


Blondes realize their is no dignity in doo-ing the right thing!!

Krups Shoot

Its a dice shoot, every time I hit the on/off button, with my new brew machine.

I am on my third pot of hot water.

The coffee maker says automatic grind but its not automatically grinding!!

I have been poking at the Krups, like a blonde chimpanzee trying to find the magic button.

I have resorted to making a cup of tea while I stare at my Krups KM7000.

Apparently, power of the mind doesn't work on this brand of coffee maker.

Where are my car keys?


Blondes are betting on Starbucks!!

When do you know?

When do you know that l0ve is real and you should fall?

Remember when we were seventeen and the world dropped at our feet at the thought of love?

We hung on the phone for hours with only fifteen minutes of conversation and the rest filled with dead air and a simple satisfaction that we were together, even if we weren't.

We would dangle the ear piece while we watched the tele, or did our nails, or used magic marker to script up our school spiral notebook cover with 'love me hearts' announcing the name of our beloved.

At this age, do we get that anymore?

We may not have the spiral notebook but we have the emails from the very first communication to print out and hold in our jewelry box.

Some things for a women, Blondes included, never change....the jewelry box with little mementos of lovers will forever more carry us to our grave.

I have held on to every single florist card, bracelet, concert ticket, even fortunes from a ccokie left over from a shared Chinese dinner.

For me, true love is willing to empty that box of memories so I can fill it with new ones...

and a brand new wardrobe!!


Blondes like falling in love with new ideas!!