My Therapy

This blog is my therapy. I am pretty sure not many people read it. If I got a high view rate, I assume its the videos from youtube that account for the numbers.

And its alright. If no one read this blog, I would still be fine. To me, this blog is just a way to air my thoughts and feelings since I have no one to vent to.

Today, Babs called to wish Big D a Happy F day and I could feel the coldness seeping through the phone. I should not have answered since its the family phone.

I assume she heard earfuls from others in the family and she was guarding herself from another earful attack.

What bothers me most, is that in all the years we have been so distant, we have shared maybe only 3 to 6 phone call conversations a year and not one of them was ever about others in the family.

Am I crazy?

Does my family really see me as something horrible?

Am I so horrible?

I know I am in an unhappy place but I don't spread my heartache around.

I sit in my room alone.

I don't date, I don't see freinds, and I mind my own business.

I don't backstab, gossip, or try to pretend to be the better person by manipulation of facts, events, and telling the story first.

I think the most devastating thing to me is that I see a better person in me than my family ever did...and fighting my way out of that scape has been a long, hard, and tragic road for me.

Letting go of them is the first step in realizing that I am a good person and deserve good things.

I am better than the sum of what they think I am.



The Blonde sees herself with better highlights.

Raising My Glass to Done

I need to change the headliner of my tags for blinded by blonde since I no longer date online, although I do have stories I can continue to tell but why?

The stories after awhile become stale and unfunny. The sad state of online dating is not funny..its simply sad. I think its especially sad for the lonely people who get caught up in looking for someone so desperately that they will let people that do not deserve them, come in and piece by piece destroy a little bit of their faith in finding someone all too perfect for them.

They will settle for anything rather than nothing.

Look at Raine and Augusto...trying to sell me on less than a life because they want more of one. They sit their and down on me about relationships and wanting freedom to play the field while being in relationships.

Really what they are saying is; they have settled for someone that looks perfect on the outside but on the passion side they need extra women on the side to fulfill what the settlement didn't.

I adore these guys but I do think their justification is a little screwey and I am not the extra rose frosting that will help them complete their cake.

I would rather be alone than settle for someone I do not find perfect for me. I do not mean perfect in the sense of perfection but simply someone that fits perfectly with me. Someone who isn't so perfect that I won't feel less perfect.

When I wrote about the love of men that did not love me back..its more complex than that. The natal chart explains why I can't attain the men I want but also the complexity of this love I have is really manifested from an idea of what I think my life should be and who should fit in it.

I am no longer looking for it but forever will I hold out for it. And if I end up alone...so be it.



Let's face it, its been 6 years...which if you count...I join for one month a year, find a man, see how it works for a year and than when it did not work out the way I had hoped, I go online for a month and bingo starts all over again...so technically its only been 6 months of dating in real time but still...

I am tired of looking...done...finito...ova!!!!

So say hello to the new official cat lady...

the spinster sister...

the Lonely Hearts Club newest band member...


The Blonde won't raise the date ceiling!

Love has No Boundaries

but love should not be built by boundaries either.

I was thinking today about love. The love family thinks they have for each other and how that kind of love is built out of some form of duty they feel. Just because someone is related to someone else does not mean that they must love them.

I think the duty to love can cause more harm than good.

Aside from family love, there is the love we feel for people we meet along our journey; I always wonder why I feel more love toward some than others.

I would like to share a few of my loves....

I love Raine. I miss his smile, his demeanor, his sweet way. I love him and I don't need to be a part of his life to feel that way. I just love him and hope he is happy.

I love Jackson. Funny I know. I only went on a few coffee dates and was rejected for another woman but I feel love for him. I hope the woman he decided to be with is all he ever wanted and I hope he is happy.

I love MM. I have always loved him from the very first time I saw him so many years ago. I hope he is happy and finds the love he looks for.

I have loved a handful of men but they did not love me. Its not their fault any more than its my fault that I fell in love with them.

Love is so intangible, it really is not connected to emotion or feelings.

Love is something given to us from a dying star thousands of years ago. Those who were born from that star will always be connected in some form of love to those that also have that star inside of them.

To explain love is to know physics. You have to understand that from the beginning of time when the stars exploded and died, they gave each and every one of us a bit of their sparkle. Some shine more than others and some have more of one star in them than another and in that little bit of sparkle comes a connection we can not explain without the help of science and physics.

I do not dismiss the notion of a higher power.

I pray to God. I cross my heart in the name of the father, the son, and the holy ghost...but I also say thanks to Mother Earth and believe in pagan history before Christianity brutally denied them their faith.

I believe beyond God that physics plays a part in our lives from inception of earth to the death of our world.

I have connected and loved men for no explainable reason...

I will always love the men that I have fallen for and I need not their love back ...I just hold them in my heart and wish them well.

And to Augusto... my soul mate, my perpetual dating partner, my equal panty partner....may one day, I find someone of my own that can share their love with me like you have shared with me.

I bless my lucky stars every day that I have felt love; whether it was returned or not is not the point. The point is, I can love and I can look beyond the status quo's belief; beyond the box they created to conform love as they see fit.

I see love for what it is...an entity that will never conform to anything we know or are willing to really understand with the use of our 10% brain utility.

Yes, I would love to marry someone but not under anyone's written moral code other than my own.


The Blonde is not blinde.

Animal Smarts

...they don't hang out with their kin. They make babies and forge families and everyone goes on their sweet little way.

Animals don't give unwanted advice, they don't harbor anger for 20 years, and they don't fight over antique typewriters.

But just to be clear...the typewriter goes to me..I don't care what story a certain someone remembers. I wrote my very first movie script on that typewriter. Its in my chest still bound by the baby blue ribbon and covered with a little drawing I made for it.

But feel free to sticky your name over everything else!

Animals don't give you lip about drinking out of a carton. As a matter of fact, I think an animal would be impressed with carton drinking because its eco-friendly since you aren't wasting water to clean a cup a couple of times a day.

I don't know why there is a saying that 'people some times act like animals' since that would be an insult to the animals.

I am not the person some people think I am and I will never be able to change their reality of me but I will tell you this. If the perception you have of me is from 20 years ago, than your reality of me today is askew but who am I to change the vision of your world..

Keep what ever scenery of me you like..paint me red with flames, sharp teeth, and stiletto heels..

rewind in your mind a new tape of what I said and year after year the words can evolve into something so much darker...

Twist and turn that memory of me until you no longer see your sister as a friend but as an enemy on an egg field.

Who needs reality when you can fabricate a web of pettiness into a fantastical film strip that replays in your mind telling yourself how much better you are than me.

If that is what you need to be happy than please be my guest. I won't be around to prove you wrong.


Maybe I do act like an animal....I rather wish family would go away on its own and leave me to me...

The Blonde is not a lion but a Leo!

Miami, Baby!

If not for the puerto rican 'happy hour' scam throughout Miami, it would have been perfect...

Shula Rest Stop

So I am in Miami Lakes at the Don Shula Golf resort. Its not the hip Miami hotel i stayed at last time I browsed through Miami but its nice. Its actually exceptional for the 99$ prioce tag with an upgrade to a balcony and pool view.

Lots of chubby checkers in this neck of the woods which is wxcellent for my body image. I am rocking the hottest and youngest body in this tiny part of town..

Augusto and I had dinner at the hotel steakhouse and the waiter was trying to upsell everything. Its a shame he wwasted on the food service. he should be in computer sales.
Everything he suggested had the highest price tag. He tried to push a $16 glass of Merlot from Cali on me and I was not going for it until he said its half proce for happy hour.
Of course, after I ordered the second glass, he informed me that the mamagement changed the rules about happy hour at the very last minute and the merlot was full price.
Seriously dude, I know I am blonde but I am not an idiot. I could have argued the point with a multitude of reasons that would make his head spin but I was to tired to get my way...

Besides, if he is so hard up for the tip padding...so be it..its just the last time he will see us in the restaurant.

Waiter: " Good evening, tonight we have on the menu the Screw You special. Would you like that medium or well-done?"

Me: "Well, I am exhausted and I do look like someone you can take advantage of easily, so let't have the well-done jack ass."

Well, I am off to the pool to sit next to those beyond the X-gen and skinny challenged.

The Blonde is in chill mode!

Baroque, Not Destitute

Just because I am living off of financial fumes doesn't mean I can't get out from under it every once in a while to catch some fresh air.

Augusto, the only man left in my repitoire of Xs; he is allowed to remain because he is truly a good freind and he looks like Antonio Banderas.

Since I have some credit on an airline and he has to go to Miami for work, we are co-mingling our resources and rejuvinating in Miami next week.

I need a little fun time away from the femme cave. I have been hunched over laptops and sewing machines for two weeks launching my wears on Etsy. I feel my back stiffening and when IO played tennis yesterday, it felt like Gollum.

I am going to work out half the day and realx the other half. For me this trip is about stretching my muscles and putting my body in top form.

I am sure some drinks will slip in somewhere in the afternoon whikle on the beach watching the sunset. I am way past the club stage in life. Its not that I am too old for the clubs...its the fact that the men are too young for my taste...better to find some slow runners along the beach...

They are easier to catch.

The Blonde is going beach bum!!

The Weekend

...was super fun filled for partiers and boaters and everyone willing to spend the $4 gallon gas to head out to beaches and lakes.

I on the other hand did nothing but hibernate in my room worried about this next round of monthly bills and watch movies avec une boutielle de vino.

I have not been very social lately. I am happy just being alone in my little femme cave.

I have been hit on by men in their late twenties - one at the bank and one at the gas station- and while its a nice feeling to know I still have the looks, it would be nice to get a couple of business cards from men my own age. Looking young and not being young has two drawbacks..online dating where men tend to look for younger women and in public where men think I am much younger than I am.

I am not looking to be with anyone. I am not financially set up to be with anyone right now. I have bills and a future at law school to keep me man free.

I am just too baroque to be social and that is ok because I know I am not the only person struggling these days. Its nice to have company with my monet miserable'.

One day the money will be back and so will the men. Its not like they disappeared during the rapture!!

Chin up to everyone having a tough time with the green.

Look at it like this..

Being at the bottom means only a small bump if you fall!


The Blonde has no time or money for play!!

Memorial Day Weekend

There will be pools, boating, and hiking along Bull Creek and Barton Creek for me!!

Everyone be safe this weekend and remember

Don't Drink and Drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink, try to wipe it off your lap and then get pulled over for looking like a drunk sailor playing with your private parts while driving!!

Bad Professor, Bad, bad, bad...

So one of my professors got arrested in a sting operation for soliciting 14 year old girls off of social network sites and assaulting them in a park.

I knew the teacher was an odd ball, didn't seem to like bathing very much or wearing clean clothes but I just assumed he was homeless-if you knew what Texas teachers got paid-you would not think twice about some of them being homeless.

I never considered him to be a pedophile although i did notice he liked the petite form in the girls at the front of his class. i guess they =knew something I didn't.

Under these circumstances I feel i should get an A in the class because how do I know he didn't barter (spell check looks for Brett when barter is spelled wrong-what a co-inky-dink; that's the name of the prof) relations with the younger chicks and give them better grades wh8ich would mess up the curve...

Not that I am devastated but I am not above pulling a Dean's conference to get an A out of this news.

I actually pulled a 89 in the class but one little point to settle my mental anguish over the news would help me over come the trauma.

My mind is already turning attorney before I even have the degree. i am always thinking about myself and how I can do better in competition with myself.

If I keep this up- I will end up in a bidding war selling my soul to the red guy with little horns and a tail just like in Devil's advocate..of course I am not a relative so the perks might not extend to me like they did to Keanu.

I hope they throw the book at Professor Pedophile!!


The Blonde can't wait to beat bad in court one day!

Thank You for Nothing

Sometimes when we have someything to say and no one to listen, we have a song that sings every thing about the nothing we feel!

Rolling In The Deep

Dont read into it, just enjoy...

The Blonde will bring it to surface later!!