This blog is my therapy. I am pretty sure not many people read it. If I got a high view rate, I assume its the videos from youtube that account for the numbers.
And its alright. If no one read this blog, I would still be fine. To me, this blog is just a way to air my thoughts and feelings since I have no one to vent to.
Today, Babs called to wish Big D a Happy F day and I could feel the coldness seeping through the phone. I should not have answered since its the family phone.
I assume she heard earfuls from others in the family and she was guarding herself from another earful attack.
What bothers me most, is that in all the years we have been so distant, we have shared maybe only 3 to 6 phone call conversations a year and not one of them was ever about others in the family.
Am I crazy?
Does my family really see me as something horrible?
Am I so horrible?
I know I am in an unhappy place but I don't spread my heartache around.
I sit in my room alone.
I don't date, I don't see freinds, and I mind my own business.
I don't backstab, gossip, or try to pretend to be the better person by manipulation of facts, events, and telling the story first.
I think the most devastating thing to me is that I see a better person in me than my family ever did...and fighting my way out of that scape has been a long, hard, and tragic road for me.
Letting go of them is the first step in realizing that I am a good person and deserve good things.
I am better than the sum of what they think I am.
The Blonde sees herself with better highlights.