Stupid Football

The Giants vs. the Patriots

YUcK!!!

The Blonde doesn't care who wins!!

I'm not Romantic

I tried once to make a romantic picnic.....once!!

It took me all day to find the perfect blanket.

Then it took more days to find matching picnic accessories

then I had to go to the grocery store

than I hunted for tiki torches

than my outfit...

drive to small park by the lake

romantic means I get sex

Ask people if I can have park to myself

wait for people to leave park

park is clear

start setting the mood

its hot

the grass is spiky

Mosquitoes

Is that spider

picnic table is icky

go to store

buy a tent

come back

its really hot

the grass is spiky

is that a huge spider?

freaking mosquitoes

get the food out

drink all the sangria

light the stupid tiki torches

cook the stupid food

get in the stupid tent

kiss the stupid boyfriend

hot
sticky
sweaty

eeewww ...on my pretty new picnic blanket

clean up stupid picnic stuff

go home

Romance to a blonde is room service at the Four Seasons...!!

I'm sorry I don't do Geriatric!!

I get this call from some woman that was from dating network said I was recommended to her by someone and would I be interested in dating this great guy, retired, wants to spoil,blah, blah, blah....but...

Yeah...I already knew there would be a but...I didn't know it would be a geriatric butt...

and here is the BIG, BIG but...
"He's a little older"

"Ok..50 maybe? 60?"

No my fans...he was 75 freakin years old..retired IBMer..can you gross me out any more than that..pictures of my Dad flashed before my eyes..

and Im rinsing my eyes!!
nope.
still seeing Dad...
rinse and repeat,
rinse and repeat!!


Who on God's green earth, my age, besides Anna Nicole Smith would date a 75 year old man...OH..yes the "Girls Next Door"

Are you seeing the pattern?!!
They are all bottled blondes!!!

She continues:
When he travels its only in condos..
yeah right..you mean time shares!!

he water skiis?!!
yeah right, you mean rides a pontoon boat!!

he wants to spoil someone?
you mean he is spoiled

He wants to get married!!
how many great grandkids in the will?


Holy Cow, lady..I know your desperate but I'm NOT...who said I was?! Did someone say I was desperate?!

Well, why don't you think about it?
Um..yeah thought over....
Excuse me?
I mean I don't think its for me and could you please remove my Gold Digger status button on your list!!

I will call my friends to see if they have any Grandmothers that need a date!!

There is a difference between bottled and Blonde!!

I am gonna be a Supa Star!!!

in the greeting card arena...Hey!! I'm still getting published and considering I have only been at this writing thing for about 6 months..

I am definitely on schedule to being famous or infamous..
doesn't really matter as long as I get paid.

so I am thinking about a line of 'dump' cards...
I thought I would start with:

MY BAD
I SLEPT WITH YOUR
BOYFRIEND

SORRY ABOUT
YOUR BREAK UP

OR

YOUR THE
ONLY ONE



THAT DIDN'T SEE
IT COMING

SORRY ABOUT THE BREAKUP

I wonder if there is an award ceremony for card writers??! hhhmmm...

anyhoo...

gotta run...my email boyfriend and I are getting engaged and I have to shop for a jpeg ring

Blondes are funny...yes, we are!!

I Got My Sexy Back!

Well.... I am trying to get it back.... and keep it on through the allergy season. I need to get away from here for a short holiday so I can feel like my fabulous self again.

My skin is sensitive and I don't want to wear thongs anymore. I can't stand pantie lines but the thought of lace wedging up my little crack is just not appealing to me right now. My skin is sensitive and it wants cottony softness right now.

Ode to the little cotton pantie

bikini style
soft and white
not too clingy
just right

you don't rub me
the wrong way
and don't crawl up my bum
and try to stay

your not as pretty
as my other lace
but you have style
and a subtle grace
pretty things
only get you so far
its the comfort you give
that makes the pantie you are

Blondes prefer substance over looks any day.....but its seasonal!!

Cedar Fever Blues!!

Everybody likes to think the blonde is always on her game, when it concerns looks, duh...
even the blonde.

Everybody thinks the blonde is out gallivanting around the weekend like it was her own personal holiday, even the blonde.


Everybody thinks the blonde is the life of the party and always center of attention, even the blonde!!

but not this weekend
OH No..Cedar Fever is here
and its not a pretty picture that I am about to paint, so if you must look away...please do..

Let's start with Saturday morning at 7 a.m. and the blonde is up...why?
Because she can't stand IT (cedar fever) anymore!!
Scratch your eyes out
run fingers through kitty slobbered matted hair
take the tissue that you stuck up your nostrils to stop the leak while you sleep
wipe the crust that forms from dried up hydrocortisone cream off you eyes

pop your pills
squirt your nose
trip over the snot rags on the floor
get into the shower
sting your eyes with soap..
get water up your nose..almost drown
towel off
rub eyes really, really hard with towel

go back to bed!!

Get up
Watch the Packers play an awesome game
pop more pills
clear the floor of snot rags
it slathers the lotion on its eyes

go back to bed!!


look at phone
return no phone calls
pop more pills
rub eyeballs out of your head

go back to bed!!

Blondes don't always have more fun!!

Crack Cat's Fetish

In keeping with last week's theme of fetishes. I thought I would share Crack Cat's fetish with you...

Crack Cat has this obsession with my hair. On the rare occasion he decides to stay in, usually when its very, very cold outside and all his crack cat peeps are in shelters, he sleeps in my room.

He waits until I fall asleep and than he slowly crawls up to my neck and stretches out his arms to grab a big chunk of my hair. Then he starts sniffing my hair. Not too long after that he is purring quietly, eyes half massed, and his tongue dangling out.

I wouldn't mind so much that he loves my hair but in his excitement he starts slobbering in my hair, he starts doing this kneeding action with his paws causing his little crack claws to dig into my head.

"Ouch..Crack Cat!"

he stops
I fall asleep
I wake up

"Ouch...knock it off..Crack Cat!!"

I adjust the pillow
dangle a little of my hair for him
I fall asleep
I wake up
he is sucking the ends of my hair..loudly

purring
sucking
kneeding

"CRACK CAT!!!"

startled, he jumps off the bed
I fall asleep
I wake up

Crack Cat nestled himself into my back and fell asleep
I fall asleep

we are finally asleep...

Blondes can't sacrifice their beauty sleep for a fetish!

I am not Worthy

I am a bad, bad submissive.

Actually, I am not at all, but I played one last week on the internet. I thought I actually did very well considering I know nothing about the SMDM orDMSM..or whatever the acronym is for that particular lifestyle.

Personally I don't get how you hurt someone with a paper clip..unless you unfold it and poke them to the point of annoyance and they slap the crap out of you.

What does it matter how many tools you can come up with to hurt nipples. It isn't that hard, I did it by accident in a blonde rationalization that you will remove more dead skin off your body using a scrubbie instead of a loofah..

Nipples are very, very sensitive...

anyhoo...

I have a new social experiment blog:

Creeps, Freaks and Conversations:
The sex life of Craigslist
http://craigslistcreeps.blogspot.com

I just find these people absolutely fascinating..never in my blonde bubble could I ever think this dirty!

Blondes never judge but we do wonder "What the heck are some people thinking?"!!

Murderous Mum

My Mother tried to kill me last night...

I was nice enough to go over there to help them take out the Christmas tree even though I have told them a thousand times, "I am severely allergic to dead and drying out trees."
My face and eyes burns and I cannot breathe...

..but I go..I help
I vacuum...I can't breathe

Mother burns 40 year old perfume to hide smell of tree

I have a reaction to the perfume

I really can't breathe and Im feeling sick

Mother finds and makes me organic tea

I had a reaction to the tea

The organic tea had no label..she did not know what kind it was.

I am on the floor at this time still not breathing..

My Father, "What did you give her?"

Mother, "Tea!"

Father, "Show me the tea!"

Mother, "I can't find it"

Me gasping, " She hid it so the cops won't find it. She... is trying to kill me"

Father,"Find the bag"

Me still gasping, "It so k Dad..they can do an autopsy find the poison in my system...
...When I'm DEAD!"

Why is my Mother laughing...she IS trying to kill me?

I finally drag myself to the little room and lie down and rest..I am feeling better
Mother comes in, "How are you feeling?

"I will be fine Mother", barely breathing again.


Mother, "Can I make you some tea?"



Blondes need to watch blonde Mothers carefully!!

Freak of the the Entire Craigslist Universe

ANR/ABR...Weekdays/Days...Discrete...

---

Reply to: pers-533387285@craigslist.org
Date: 2008-01-09, 9:34AM CST


Seeking a ANR/ABR with a local DFW area Woman...
Attached/Single and wanting a Relationship...
Maybe wanting to Induce Lactation and needing a partner...
Pre/Post Delivery and breastfeeding, and needing a Suckler for Pleasure...

I'm Available weekdays/days to chat/meet/suckle...
Open to Age, Race, Marital Status, Breast Size.
Must be D/D Free as I am.

I'm Very Orally Tallented...
Love to Please/Pleasure a Woman Alot!

Lets Chat and see what happens...

Does Snot have Calories

no...seriously..does it?... and don't get grossed out..I can't imagine snot being worse than come, or is it cum? They kind of remind me of the same thing and I don't like swallowing either one.

I know its bad...but you have to think if you live in a high allergy city like Austin, some drip is inevitable, sort of like that of a blow job..inevitably something is gonna end up going down your throat. ....Ick....

I know studies have come up with a caloric count in a teaspoon of men's ejaculation...by the way it is 7 calories. Who needs to know this stuff?!!

Who is studying this stuff?

and more importantly...

am I gonna get fat from having allergies?!

Its a legitimate question for a blonde!!

A Working Girl?!

I was enjoying my football game at a nearby pub, alone..yes alone. I am in Texas, you can't find anyone to enjoy a Redskin game with you unless they are playing the Cowboys.

Anyhoo,

My gentleman friend..who is quite a bit older decided to come sit with me for a beer before his almost ex-girlfriend came back from whatever small town in Texas she was in.

While he went to make a phone call, some older gentleman stopped by to sit at the empty table. They seemed unsure and so I said I didn't bite..which technically could be confused as an opening line to flirting but more importantly it was more of a way to tell them politely to sit the heck down so I could watch my game.

after much dileberating..too much if you ask me..its just a table..

They sat down..thank God!!
My friend came back, thank God!!
Skins up by one, Thank God!!

The guy kept looking at my friend and than he leans into me and asks,
"Are you a working girl?"

What the F.....!!!

I was stunned, mortified, shocked and of course I spoke out against this outrage....

"NO! I am NOT!!"


"But I do accept gifts."

Blondes should demand an apology not accept gifts!