12.29.2007

Blonde Moment 201

Sex antidotes work better if you spell 'Pastor' right.

I wrote a joke about being horny and the punchline was misspelled and so the damn thing was interpreted as a desperate sounding board for the sexually challenged.

As much as I love the new found attention (after all, I am a blonde and a Leo)... and I have learned that sex really does sell....
I was just trying to be funny!!

Being horny and being desperate are two very different things...and while I want to thank the guys who were willing to put their penis on the line for me...

I just have to say...

EEWWWW!!

THE FOLLOWING STATEMENT IS SARCASM: if I wanted gross sex with a stranger, I would go to craiglslist and get 'massage man'..at least I would make a $100..THIS IS THE END OF THE SARCASM!!

Blondes need to use Spell check!!

Blue Balls?!

have nothing on my throbbing labia at the moment. Without sounding like a total slut and as if I cared...I need to get laid..magnificently laid!!

It has been three months and I can't even concentrate on reading, let alone writing blogs.

I am certain whoever gets in between my legs will need medical attention after I am done exploiting every inch of their masculinity..

Unfortunately I need that connection.....and as tough as it seems..I will go another 3 dreaded, dry, run out of batteries (for my neck massager) look like every man is a piece of meat--- months if I have too!!

I think after a certain amount of time without IT you get to reclaim virginity anyway!

I went to lunch with someone today and I could barely make conversation..

all I could master in my little blonde bubble at the moment was polite conversation while milling over the following thoughts:

he could be potential..
he is a big guy..
big guys tend to be smaller..
I wonder how football players are hung?
probably small..
wonder how big it is...
wonder how good he is?
damn..he is a big guy
I bet its nice sized
damn..I need my neck massager

after realizing I zoned out, I shook the air out of my head and refocused my attention to the conversation....




I'm sorry Pastor..what were you saying?


Blondes really shouldn't be so bad!!

Craigslist Freak of the Week

Seeking woman to eat FROG LEGS with! - m4w - 24

Male seeking woman to eat frog legs with.. yes frog legs.. I have 5 sets of legs, thats 10 individual legs, and 50 little froggie toes...

Should we BBQ them, broil, bake, fry? Make a soup possibly? Oh the ways we could season them!

We can start with frog legs and go from there... tuna steak, king crab, gulf shrimp, bay scallops, seaweed salad, magic mushrooms.... it's all in the fridge....

Must be 420 friendly (because you have to be high to eat all that shit).


Blondes feel really bad for Freaks..for they know not what they are!!

Photo Trading Cards!!

I have this thing..like everyone..we all have at least one quirk..my quirk?!! you ask?

I don't like ugly photos of me hanging around! When I die or go missing and people are digging threw photos of me..do I really need them to see the photos my boyfriend took right after we had sex, or the photo where I just jammed a huge bite of hot dog in my mouth, or the the endless photos of me with a drink in my hand..actually those I keep because it means I'm partying and I always look good partying!!
How about the photo at Christmas open gifts..we are all in our robes, bed head and eye crust..or the endless shots taken of me bending over..thanks Mother!! Seriously!!

However, I do keep the bad photos of my friends and family because they are just too damn funny!!


Via?!!

"What?!"

"What the hell are you doing?!"

"I'm throwing away the photos of me I don't like"

"You can't do that!!"

"I know ..its history..blah, blah.."

"GIVE ME MY PHOTOS BACK"

"NO"

GIVE ME MY DAMN PHOTOS"

"Your Photos?, There My Face!!"

"Get The Hell Out of My Photo Albums"

"Jeez Sis...chill out..I will throw the bad ones of you away if you want..theres a lot!! "

She Grabs the photos from my hand..I needed quick thinking here..

"Alright, Sis..I will trade you the photo where you just vomitted on your boyfriend if you let me keep the one of me with mayonnaise on the corner of my mouth"

"Fine..Here...Now Do you have some where else to go?!"

"I suppose I can go clean out lil' Sis photo albums"

Phone:
Ring, Ring, Ring

"Hey Sis, I was gonna come over"

"Constance called. I already hid the photos of you on the toilet"

"Bitch!! Fine...I will trade you the one where you are peeing on the side of the road for the one of me on the lue"

"Deal"

"Great, be over in a minute"

Phone

"Ring, Ring!!"

"Carol, my dear friend...Want to drink wine and look at old photos?"


Blondes always get double prints before trading!!!

12.26.2007

Roasting Mother

Anytime the family gathers together we take a sweet delight in recounting the endless craziness that which is called 'Mother'...Our own personal Uber Blonde.


My Mother has a studio in the house. My Father wanted to build one for her but she decided the little guest room in the corner with the atrium windows would be perfect and no need to go the extra expense plus she like the deer that roam on that side of the house.


Imagine a lovely never used guest room with silk covers on the bed, long flowing shantung drapes, vintage pillows, a small satin chaise for sitting and a beautiful woven
rug...


Now imagine the apocalypse and this lovely guest room was ground zero!!

Old photos, books, magazines and newspapers cover the entire 400 sq ft room, no rug in sight accept for underneath the window where bird seed and deer food have been grounded into the rug and beginning to sprout plants.

The paintings all hang crooked on the wall to make room for leaning canvases. The furniture has been shoved against the wall, the satin linens have been replaced with a army of feather comfoters and pillows layered like the princess in the pea..must be to protect my Mother from a posssible air raid. A crater has been dug out from the debris on the floor to make room for her to stand as she paints still lifes of rocks..

Yes, I did say rocks!!

We know about the secret refrigerator in the room because of the trail of crumbs that cannot be vacuumed off of piles of books and drawing paper.

The maid refuses to go in afraid she might never find her way out.

The Father usually just pokes his head in from the safety of the hall way and always has the same expression and shaking of his head when he looks in the room.

Dad, "When are you going to clean this room?"

Mom, "What? I have been cleaning ..don't you see the carpet in that corner?"

Dad, "Where?"

Mom, "Well, if you can't see how hard I cleaned..just go...Im always cleaning this room..you just don't see it"

Dad, "I would see it if it were clean" Shakes his head and walks away.


My Mother's mess is like the plague..if you don't contain it..it slowly begins to drift into other parts of the house and even the car where one can find cheese, apples and bananas rotting under the seat.

We are fairly certain that if my Father dies before our Mother...we will have to put her down otherwise she will make headlines in the paper as social services takes her from the house.

"Woman found after weeks of Digging!!"


Blondes love their Mom's unconditionally because no one else would!!

12.25.2007

O’ Behave

I absolutely have no ability to behave in church. I just can't...not even as a child at the complete dismay of my father.

I have never bought into the church thing nor the bible. I believe in God...but i\I'm not here for a theologian argument ....anyhoo.


I only go to church once a year at Christmas and i do it for my Father. Somehow I wiggled my way out of the New Years visit to the church..thank God!!

Now since I do not believe in organized religion anything out of the Priest's mouth, words read from the bible, and even the music is subject to my blondism.


Let's begin church:

The music...

Why are they playing 'Age of Aquarius music'?

Oh my God did they actually start that song with the theme from deliverance?

Holy Shit!! look at their clothes...Are you sure they aren't from a 70's revival musical.

Dad whispers, "VICTORIA!!!

me, "what , laura wont be quiet....Owwwch, Laura hit me"

Dad whispers, "How old are you?"




Moving on:

"Hey, Sis !! baby Jesus. I like to pray to baby Jesus!
Sister laughs ( would spit her drink if she had one)
Marcus, " You can' pray to the baby Jesus, he's all grown up"
Me, " I can pray to the baby Jesus if I want"

Dad whispers, "MARCUS"

Marcus, " What..it was Laura"
me, "Owww...stoooop pinching me...LAurA"


moving on:


" Holy shit...Laura!"

laura is laughing...She burped the most disgusting garlic filled burp in my ear.

Laughing, laughing, Laughing...
"WHAT?!..ARE YOU FIGHTING VAMPIRES TONIGHT..JEEZus!"
"I only have cherry candy"
"Eat it...my eyes are watering..damn it!"

Dad whispers, " Laura!"
me, "yeah, LAurA!"


moving on:

Its time to take your neighbors hand....

me, "Um I don't think so!"
Laura, " You have to take their hand"
me, "but that would leave them with only one"

Laura under her breath in a meanie kind a tone, " take their hand!!"
me, under my breath in a meanie tone, "its allergy season, I am not touching some strangers hand thats been blowing snot all the way to church!!

Dad whispers in a really mean tone, " VICTORIA!"
me, "What, it was Laura"



Dad is using the Evil eye Now!!!

me, "laura..your in trouble"
Laura, "how old are you"

me, "hey look at how cute those guys are"
laura, " You could Cougar that!"
"No, I'm not old enough to Cougar, I could MILF him!!"
Marcus, "Mom!!"
me, "What..it was Laura!"


and moving on...

They give us candles to hold through the music.
We put them up...I couldn't resist"

me, "hey Laura, Is that a candle in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

There were a few more such as the hand in the communion water and afraid it might boil over but we have to open presents now!!!



Blondes love blasphemy!!

12.24.2007

Last of 2007 Bodily Harm Blonde Moments

Scrubbed my nipples off with a choreboy scrubbie

Burned my twat with hair removal product

Froze my ass off standing nude in a creek

Fried my Brain reading a bunch of bad blogs

Sprained my fingers having sex with myself

Stubbed my toe trying to make a foot fetish video

Bit my cheek eating a candy cane



Blondes have to have a sense of humor!!!


HAPPY HOLIDAY Y"ALL!!!!

12.21.2007

Blonde Moment 200

Yes we have hit the two hundred mark!! What of it??!!!

I decided I was too lazy to fight holiday traffic and head to the spa to get a wax. I am having photos done and I would like to be well coiffed for the session.

I had a bottle of hair removal in the cabinet and thought..this is harmless....

Squeeze a bunch on my hand..

slather it all over the tutu and bunny hole

I can't wait to be baby smooth..OH Yeah!!

Ignoring the time limit to make sure I was really smooth..

I started to feel a little tingle

Hmmm...its burning a bit

Hmmm..maybe I should rinse

Ummm..nope..wait a few more seconds....

OK..it kinda really burns now

Ok.. rinse now...Rinse Now!!!

UH OH..



I burned my tutu off ...

burned the tutu like someone set a match to it!!

Blondes need to follow directions!

12.20.2007

Somebody Slap me!!

So I am totally bored at work and have still been looking on craigslist but not for work..I am TROLLING the adult section under gigs and pretending I am 'girl for hire' but a very respectable..I mean expensive one..than again what do I know about prostitution!!

I tell you..I could not write this stuff myself..well...actually I am writing it but the guys part of the dialog is priceless..better than the married man on myspace!!!

I can't wait to make it a series of short films..once I get my DAMN CAMERA!!!

Exerts from the seedy arena of adult gigs:

Names have not been changed to protect the idiot ...who used his real name!

How big is the house, where is it located..
I am not really a maid but I can clean a house. I need the extra money.

Very nice photo, you look classy and nice. Would you be open to sensual massage and adult fun? Jimmy

How much?

$100

My Mom pays the maid for that and she just cleans

$100 every two weeks and maybe once a week? and I won't even make you clean?

Seems really low but this is Texas

$175 for once every two weeks and
$150 for once a week
and I don't clean....we are talking hand cleaning not clean inside and out.


Inside and out and I can only afford a hundred.....

The price is fixed..no negotiations


Okay I appreciate your honesty. I'll keep your email if I can budget that. Until then if you change your mind please let me know.

Thanks and hope you have a wonderful holiday,


and than he added his photo to the email..schmuckk!!

Blondes should not find things like this funny!!!

Horny Cat!!

You know some cool cats like to dress up in ladies panties, others like to look at porn, and still others like the strip joints but not mine…

Nope, No way, my cat, Horny Cat, brother to Crack Cat, likes backpacks, knapsacks and gym bags.
He starts rubbing on them, getting himself into a little frenzy of slobbering love and if by God you go near his nylon affectionate substitute before he has time to finish off in the zippered pocket you should expect to lose skin.

It just so happened Horny Cat was making love to my laptop bag and I needed it to check myspace blogs…dammit!!
You can see my urgency..cat cum or blog..it was a simple choice for me really!!

Determined to retrieve my bag unscathed, I like any smart blonde who doesn't like to scar, I volunteered the services of my male compadre'.

"Oh Boo…;We have a Crisis!!"

Being the ever so wonderful friend hoping to one day get laid, he swiftly came (no pun intended) and whisked Horny Cat off the bag thus helping me retrieve my laptop

The problem was…Horny Cat was not done with his knapsack time and needed to finish so he chose to continue his seuel of Pussy Pillow 3 on my friends napsack. Disgusted by the whole affair my so called friend whipped Horny Cat off his nap sack and throws him in my room still with his pink spiky mancatliness whipping about.

Confused and obviously stricken with blue kitty balls . Horny Cat sat in the corner of my room with a confused and hurt expression on his face wondering why his back pack betrayed his love.
Here horny Cat..Here's my Back Pack..Dammit!!


Blondes believe in Animal's Rights to Fetishes!!

12.13.2007

Blonde Moment 191

Work has been very slow and I have been modeling again. In Austin there is not much to pick from and so I surf craigslist at work on the work computer.

O.K. so I click on Talent under the Gigs...
I scroll through
No
No
No

hmmm...this one looks alright

Foot Model...

Must be for shoes or even better ...boots!!

Click
Please check out our web page for more detail

Ok

Click
If you are older than 18 click here

18? hmm....Why do you have to be 18 to buy shoes?!
Maybe they are really sexy shoes!! or even better sexy thigh high boots!!

Click

NOT SHOES...

NOT SHOES...

Click Out!!

Click Out!!

Erase Cache!!

Delete History File!!

Blondes didn't know penis was a foot accessory!!

12.10.2007

Arte by Via





Holy Crap its Xmas

Its begun....My Dad goes a little nuts on this holiday..he lines his lights exactly 1 1/2 inches apart around the windows ..each one straight as a soldier in formation. There will be a total of 5 trees

The Dickens Village tree--
The glass Bird menagerie tree
The fresh tree where only 3-6 tinsel strings may be applied
The Disney tree
and the prodigal grandson's tree

There will be 4 lighted reindeer outside
3 large wooden nutcrackers
2 train sets
and one x-mas scam:


phone call
Mother to Eldest daughter, "So your father only gave me so much for presents this year and I have to buy all these people gifts..I don't know how I can afford it all"

Eldest daughter to Mother, "Thats alright Mother you don't have to get me anything"

next phone call
Mother to youngest daughter, "So your father only gave me so much for presents this year and I have to buy all these people gifts..I don't how to afford it all"

Youngest daughter to Mother, "That's alright Mother you don't have to get me anything"

next phone call
Mother to middle daughter, "So your father only gave me so much for presents this year and I have to buy all these people gifts..I don't how to afford it all"

Middle daughter to Mother, "Thats alright Mother you don't have to get me anything"

so Christmas closes in and Mother has purchased nothing, Father scrambles to to buy last minute gifts and I hear mumbling on the phone in the background...something about a swiss bank account...

HAPPY BEGINNING OF THE HOLIDAYS!!

12.08.2007

Mother Grinch

Like the Grinch who tries to steal Christmas from the Who's down in Who-ville by swiftly grabbing packages and stuffing them on his dog drawn sleigh.... so does my Mother’s need to pilfer the holiday goods out of packages sent to the house from friends.

In gypsy like stealthiness she answers the door, grab the box from the post man, and quickly tucks it behind the bird menagerie Christmas tree waiting for the moment when she is alone in the house, not a creature is stirring not even the crack cat's stuffed mouse and than....

She opens the package

She takes the candy she knows we like
and hides it away
than she leaves the candy we don't like
knowing it will stay

than she tosses out the name tags
claiming none were ever found

carefully peels away the wrapping paper
without making a sound

keeps what she likes
puts the rest back inside

thinking she is clever
she claims it just arrived

along with a swiss bank account..we think she runs a gift shop somewhere in Provence.

Blondes get a detailed packing list from friends and family now!!

12.06.2007

Blonde Moment 138

I was making my payment to American Express. The payment was supposed to be for $130 and I accidently wrote it for a $1030.00.

Blondes hate fees attached to their moments!!

God is Free Y'all!!

The quickest way to make money these days is to open a ministry and teach the Gospel and charge $9.99 or whatever the going rate for God is these days.

My offices are next to the business office of the pastor of a newly formed ministry. The Pastors have no regard for the signs regarding parking, they are arrogant and rude and when you go to there website the only thing they preach is trying to convert more people.
There is no talk of helping communities, or the hungry or the poor...Nope Its just convert, convert, convert...

Oh yah!!! Did I tell you the offices are located in the higher end district in Austin while the church is on the East side smack in the middle of the lower income district.

Why can't they keep their offices with the church..hhhmmmmmm

Half these people who go to this church struggle everyday to put food on the table but these Pastors con the very grocery money out of their hands based on the bible and God's needs. I also tried to find who they serve in the community. Nobody, nothing, Nada...no hunger, no homeless, no charities do they affiliate themselves with what-so-ever.

They say on their website they are a cosmopolitan bible community..
What the hell is that?
They are about as country as country gets..Cosmopolitan on the East side of town..I don't think so...
There is no God in their office except for the one that lives on the dollar bill..

Save your money..God doesn't need it!!! and if you want to spend it..Give directly to the homeless ,the animal shelter, orphanages. Stop giving money in in the name of God..

Give your prayers, give your love but for God's sake stop giving these people money.


Blondes hate con artists that prey on faith!!!

12.05.2007

Celebrity Cellulite

How would you like to be followed around and have your picture taken at the most unglamorous times in your life to reveal your cellulite and saggy stuff.
Even more fun..how about having your photos plastered over the internet so people who are bored can find entertainment and amusement at your less than lovely predicament.

...and how disgusting do I feel that I am looking at your photos going "Oh..My..God, that is bad!!"? Actually not very at all and I will tell you why.

As shallow as it is that I feel better about my body looking at others with worse flaws than me..I also came to the conclusion that the photos had other things that made me a little envious. If our focus is redirected to things that really matter in life we would see an entirely different picture.

In the photos..there is an ocean, a beautiful beach, there are lovers, and children, and friends...all the cellulite clad celebs were playing, holding hands, smiling, laughing and enjoying their life...

and the only one who seemed to be bothered by the cellulite and the sags and flab are the hate mongers who posted the comments.

Blondes rather be flawed on the outside than the inside!

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