4.27.2009

Think outside the Amercian Box





The Blonde is in tune with the world!!

Give the Blonde Her Do

I want credit for an idea that I know someone else will take credit for eventually.

A gTLD is a generic top level domain, meaning anything behind the dot like .com, .org, .or .edu.

I want .eco but since I do not have the $185,000 to register the TLD and I don't have the million dollars in escrow to satisfy ICANN's application, I am freely giving up my stellar idea to the masses that read my blog.

All you need to do is go to 'mindsandmachines.com' and work with them to get this going. They will handle all your domain registration needs. They have what it takes to fulfill the application requirements of the commie ICANN.

ICANN is a non-profit monopoly started by the the top 5 internet beasts to regulate the use of anything behind the dot.

There is only 21 dot top levels created but now they have opened up the application to others interested in applying for their mere highway robbery fee and their yearly extortionist fee of 75 grand to keep it up to date and out of hands of opportunistic chinese frauds.

Microsoft and Dell are up in arms saying that its not fair that they have to pay the extortionists fee to keep their name secured but ICANN doesn't care; sort of like the top 3 credit rating companies that don't care if your identity is stolen.

With the onset of global warming and the growing number of eco friendly companies and consultants wanting a better future, .eco is a sure gamble.

I am a betting blonde but lack the chips to play so I am giving my idea away...I just hope it goes to someone worthy and they remember to give the blonde her do...or at least unlimited spa visits for life.

And I know the difference between due and do..I was just remaining true to my Blonde!!

The Blonde is too generous with her thoughts!!

My Secret Crush



The Sham Wow, Dude!!

Yes!!

How could you not?

Badda bing, badda boom!!

Hey, how you shammin?!!

The Blonde loves a buff man!!

4.26.2009

How to Kill a Blonde, Volume 1

It has become very evident that my Mother could right a book on how to kill someone right under the noses of others.
All you have to do is be sweet, short, and have a funny accent to convince the police it was an accident; All 23 attempted times.

This week I was too ill to get out of bed and my Mother seeing another opportunity to kill me, went at it like a lion goes for a gazelle.

She placed a medicine bottle on my nightstand and said not to worry about the expiration date, the pills are still good. I didn't bother to look and I took the pills.

She would come in and check on me every once in awhile.

"Did you take the pills?"

"Yes, thanks."

"Good, make sure you take two more.", she said with a grin and glare in her eye, which was hidden behind a sweet smile. She refrained from heckling as she closed the door for fear I might figure out what she was up to.

Throughout the week, My mother kept pushing the pills on me like the witch pushed candy on Hansel and Gretel. I was finally moving about, not because of the meds but because a flu runs its course in 5 to 8 days with or without drugs.

When I decided to look at the bottle for no other reason than being bored out of my wit, I saw an expiration date that read 2002. I didn't freak because I don't really believe in exp dates for pills but what did get my goat was the fact that their were over 60 pills in the bottle and the original label had a quantity of 20 capsules.

Hhmm....

These are tablets. I took the tablet out and looked for a pharmaceutical marking.

None.

Apparently, Murdering Mum slipped a bunch of mystery drugs into a bottle of antibiotics years ago and forgot... or did she?!

She pushed those poison pills on me, like a crack dealer at a kindergarten, before I was well enough to wise up and find out what she was up to.

Blondes need to read more!!

4.24.2009

No Good Blonde Deed


goes unpunished.

My little mishap with a beauty product that left my thigh looking as if Harry Potter tried to stick his wand near my muggle and missed, isn't as bad as it seems and since its above mini-skirt line, I am still good to go on sexy summer clothes. While sporting a bikini, I will just wear a fake tattoo over the bandage and tell everyone I was in a brawl with a motorcycle biatch.

I have been laid up in bed since Monday and not because of the burn on my leg. My Father needed his large lawn cut and since I am here, I was offered the job, without pay or right to turn down of course, so I gladly pouted my way out the door to get it done. Seeing as this was my second time attempting to mow, I can only say the finished work looked like I had strapped a mad cow to the mower and let it roam around the yard.

Afterward, I went inside and took a very long shower and settled in for the night with my Netflix. I woke up the next morning on my death bed and I am still here. My lungs do not like the mold and cedar that falls from the trees and snuggles into the grass and my lungs have shown me how upset they are by acting like a wench with a rare form of murderous PMS disorder.

I ran out of Netlfix movies and have yet to travel to the mailbox to replenish, so I have been stuck on the ramblings of E and BRAVO for the last few days. If you don't think television influences, I am here to say it does a Blonde.

These days, I am all about cutting my hair to pixie lengths since watching Tabatha on Shear Genius; I am already picking out my tramp stamp, I think I want a compass since I heard Thomas Pendelton will have reality tattoo show; and I found out that inmates are looking for love on the internet. Blinded by Blonde will never be blind enough to think Ted Bundy was a hottie. I am passing on the inmate dating scene but I heard Danielle Steel married two inmates and launched her writing career by writing about one of them...Hhmmm...

Anyhoo...

I will be rolling around my bed, bored out of my mind so enjoy the weekend for me and buy a healthy blonde a beer.

The Blonde is a charity case!!

4.22.2009

Blonde Medical Malpractice Insurance

...isn't available, otherwise I would be at the Doctor getting a skin graph for the chemical burn that charred a 1/2 an inch of skin on my thigh. I guess bikini ready, won't happen until the end of this summer season.

Since I don't have medical insurance and skin graphs, I am fairly certain would cost a fortune, I have decided to cure it myself which considering I was attempting a self cure for a scar that lead to this wound, probably isn't the best plan but it is the plan I can afford.

I have chosen to go with herbal remedies offered up on the net which will probably end up causing me to lose my leg thus putting a major stump in my dating path, that I just picked up after a slight hiatus this year, but its a risk I will have to take.
Besides, any guy that dates me is going to have to understand the severity of some blonde moments, especially the moments caused by vanity of staying young and hot (no pun intended)!!


I am going to have a dent, shaped like a thick lightening bolt, in my left thigh because of another beauty fix gone bad.


The Blonde needs some soothing!!

4.18.2009

Watching Ants Mate

Its Saturday night and I spent 10 minutes staring at two bugs. I couldn't figure out if it was a spider that ate too big a mouthful and couldn't swallow or if it was two ants doing the mamba as foreplay while trying to catch a wiff of my expenisve smoke before finishing their dirty deed.

If it were the latter they are going to have to find a new smoking porch because after paying $11 for my Nat Shermans, Uncle Sam is forcing me to quit smoking. I don't like Uncle Sam, the only time I ever hear from him is when he needs money. I can't keep enabling him. He obviously has a gambling problem and expects me to pick up some of the tab and I just have to say no.

I think Uncle Sam could use an intervention. I think we should all sit him down with a counselor and read our letters of why we refuse to help him unless he helps himself.


The Blonde enables her right to quit!!

4.17.2009

My Mini Vacate on Blogging

Its unhealthy to always be plugged into the Internet vacuum and so I unplugged this week. I decided to just watch great movies and read a few books.

Earlier this week my character was attacked by a blogger who I find very narrow minded in her view of the world and her posts reflect that....so I made a comment. Basically I said, I am not a bee nor is she, and therefore we can't think like a bee. I and she can only perceive the bee based on our own thoughts of how we view the bee and its world. We can't get in the bees mind so she really shouldn't act as an interpreter for the bee, especially if you think the bee is only a bad element.

This blogger thought my comment was prejudice but than again she isn't thinking like me, she thinks like her...so I proved my point. And to continue my quest for agitation and more proof that she is thinking through a narrow lens of life, I made a few more broad statements of which she used her perception, not mine.

Since she didn't like what I had to say about her work she made personal judgments about me. Instead of defending myself, I decided to make a few jabs to get her goat since the bee left the building. Apparently I tied her goat so tight she unraveled to the point of talking nonsense about me. Which I find funny since she has never met me nor knows anything about me; but her comments about me really says something about her.

When you write for a living you need to be able to defend your work without personally attacking someone who finds your work objectionable, otherwise your work is unworthy. I am certain I won't waste my time reading anything she has to say again. She is the typical narrow mind that doesn't have the intellect to debate a real issue because she sees it only one way and I feel claustrophobic when dealing with this type of mind.

I rather debate a bee.

The Blonde likes to stick to the story!!!

4.09.2009

Slumdog Millionaire

I am not going to reflect on the movie but rather my experience watching the film. I have been waiting for it to come from netflix for over a month. When I finally got it in the mail, I was excited and wanted to watch it on the big screen in the living room without interruption, so I waited for my parents to hit rehab and then I got my diet coke, a bowl of popcorn and I popped the movie in the dvd player.

Unfortunately for me, my parents didn't go shopping or head out to lunch afterward and came home early, in the middle of my flick.

This is how you watch a movie when my Mother is around.

"What are you watching?"

"Slumdog, Mom"

"Oh, I heard about this movie, what is happening now?"

Its half way through Mom, you can watch it later."

"Oh, ok"

She leaves and a few minutes comes back.

"What are they doing to the boy?"

"They get more money for a blind beggar boy."

"Oh, oh, no...I can't watch this...I am leaving."

"Good, you messing up my movie anyway."

"Fine, I am leaving...What are they doing now?"

"Mom, do you mind?"

"Oh, oh of course, I will be quiet.
Why is the he being interogated?
Why is he on a game show?
How does it end?""

"I don't know Mother, I haven't seen it before. YOU CAN WATCH IT LATER. JUST BE QUIET"

"Well, you don't have to get rude about it. I am going"

"GOOD, GO!!"

"Is that his brother?"

"MOM!!!!GO!!!!"


After finally getting her out, I watched what was left of Slumdog. I can only tell you half of the film since I was dealing with my Mother, the blonde wonder blunder, for the other half.

The Blonde has her own game show!

4.05.2009

44 Day



"44 no less, no more"

That is the official quote from Testes (official name: Esthus) the fish that came out of the water and spoke to Dallas and his friends one night. 15 years later on the same day, the statue of Dauie showed up mysteriously one night on Dallas' bed.

Ever since then, Dallas and his friends would take Dauie out on the town to celebrate 44 day.
Since Dallas was in town this weekend and could not be with his friends, I was the host of this auspicious occasion, even if I still don't know what the heck it means, spreading cheer and 'Happy 44 Day' to unsuspecting strangers that walked by us at the Mean Eyed Cat, a local bar that celebrates Johnny Cash.

Most of the folks that passed by just gave us queer looks and thought to themselves, their smoking the ganja...just keep walking. But a few stopped and asked what 44 Day was all about, mostly the ones that really were smokin the leaf, and thought they found a kindred spirit in my friend, and Dallas was completely pleased to be able to explain his day to anyone willing to ask.

I just sat smiling and shaking my head as if to say, " Its alright, he isn't dangerous, I just have to have him tucked into his padded room before midnight."

So Happy 44 day has passed and a few more folks have been inducted into the cult. I am fairly confident that it won't take the nation by storm considering you would have to believe in a talking fish. But for one day, I felt a bit more connected to people and that is something worth believing in, especially for a scoffinheimer like me.

I don't have to believe in a talking fish to believe in my friends.


The Blonde believes its all in good fun!!

4.02.2009

Mam, Stay in the Car!

Yesterday, I drove my Father to the pool store to buy a new hose that I would have to help install later that night, but that story is for the next post.

Anyhoo,

As we were leaving a huge, gas guzzling, suburban was driving at a snails pace in front of me. I politely, beeped my horn and made a gesture of two hands holding a fake wheel in effort to ask the woman to pay attention and drive.

She stopped her mammoth mobile in the middle of the street, blocking everyone- most importantly blocking me- to get out of her car to show me she had a medical issue with her leg. She limped two steps and screamed, " I just came from a Doctor in Minneapolis for my leg!!"'

Did I mention she was on her cell phone?!!!

Obviously, she was trying to extort sympathy from someone who doesn't give a flip. My Dad just had heart surgery, should I have yanked him out of the car to show her, he doesn't have time to waste his life away on a self absorbed woman hopped up on pain meds and obviously to incapacitate to drive.


All I did was beep- its my Dad's Honda-it beeps a duck's quacks. I hardly think that calls for someone to get out of their car and scream at me.

Then she quickly hobbled back into her car and drove to the end of the shopping center's drive where you are supposed to merge into traffic if you are turning left--I took traffic lessons online last week; I am an authority now--There is a yield sign and solid line for the merge but...

NOoooo.......

She stopped at the yield sign and put on her left blinker to wait for traffic to stop because she wanted to turn into the far right left lane immediately, which I can't understand since the only left turn you will find is 5 miles up the road.

Obviously this woman was on some sort of drug that dragged her common sense and ability to focus and drive properly, she is just as much a danger to others on the road as a drunk driver.


If you can't drive, don't drive!!!!

Blondes think everyone should steer clear!!!
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