Omni Hotel, Downtown Austin

I have been spending my weekends in downtown Austin hotels while hosting some out of town guests to spare a DWI. I have to say while I find most of the rooms similar, I have to give kudos to the Omni for tucking a magic wand in the room, behind the bed.

I am fairly certain it was left by a very liberal and over zealous couple, but still I must give the kudos to the Omni and its cleaning crew for the good sense to leave it behind for the discovery to be made by a Blonde who blogs. I made careful effort to sanitized the wand before the photo op was made and for general curiosity. Of course I turned it on; all I can say is it is way too powerful a tool to be using it on any sensitive part of the female anatomy.

After testing my new treasure, I feel certain warning label should be affixed to it, such as:


Sexual use of this toy may hinder the effects of any future love endeavors with a human sexual organ.

This toy has the power of humming a twat clear off in less than 10 seconds.

Intimate knowledge of this wand will make anything that does not vibrate, virtually obsolete.

Wetting of this toy may cause electrical shock!!


Blondes will never use power tools, again!!

Don't Panic

Blondie is Busy Updating her Look...Please be Patient!!

Essential Oils

Oh yes!!

Rub it on!

Rub it in

Yes

Yes, Yes, Yes!!!!

Oh that feels good!!!!!

More!!

Oh, ohhhhh....


I have been rubbing essential oils on me to keep the allergies away and surprisingly enough, they really work.


Peppermint oil rubbed on my neck keeps headaches away.

Chamomile oil rubbed all over my body helps sensitive skin.

Lavender on a cotton puff, gently rubbed on my eyelids stops the itching.


Now all I need is a beach, a man, and a mai tai!!!

Of course, with all this yummy flavored oil on my skin, I could be stuffed, skewered and twisted on a pit and made into a tasty treat to be served up at a private luau for the right guy with the right bungalow!!


Blondes are really slick!!

Slick Willies

Last night I had a date with Bird. I call him Bird because his hair is really fine and sticks out like down on a baby duck. It is really cute the way he tries to pat it down.

Anyhoo,

Bird took me to a pool hall.

Yes, a pool hall!

Surprisingly, it was a lot of fun. I felt like I had played this kind of game before.

Hhmmmm....


How to play pool:

Have a few drinks

bend over

spread your legs

poke your rear up

hold the stick

smoothly stroke the stick

smack the ball

balls go in and out of the hole

do this several times until your tired

then have one more drink

talk for a bit

and then go home.



Blondes like playing with men!!

Private Matters

I know I write about many of my dating escapades and for some gentlemen that might be a worrisome proposition, but they need not be so concerned. I offer the moratorium contract to el finito bonds. I have no intention of burning bridges and racking up a super sized tab of bad karma.

No one wants to be splattered on someone's diaretic (diary-therapy) blog and there are always two truths to the stories and the reality in between. I hate girls that rant about bad relationships, as if they had no participation in the matter. Doesn't it get a bit old to play the helpless victim routine. If someone treats you like a dish rag and are able to identify the situation well enough to write in explicit detail about it, than aren't you a total tool yourself for staying at the table washing up the slop you so clearly can see?!!

I wait at least 3 months before writing about past affairs out of respect for the relationship and to give me time to dissect my part in the plot. No matter how awry it went...in the beginning it was good and whomever I was with will be a faded but never too distant memory and I would like to think it wasn't all a hideous waste of time. I am certainly not going to trash anyone who was there for me. I will tell it like I see it but names, dates, and location are hidden well beneath the radar. I write the lesson in the story not the fault or blame.

Some affairs I never write about. After all, my Mother reads my blog. I can't have her thinking I am not the total lady, that she raised me to be, at all times!

Hi Mom...just kidding...you know I am innocent!!


And the rest of you are reading...

this way...

Keep reading...

Now that were past the relationship disclaimer side of things, lets get into the nitty gritty of what is not covered under the bylaws of the blog:

Dates that fail to deliver their goods as pictured in the catalog!! Don't send a photo representing 20 years your junior or 20 lbs your lighter self and show up looking like Uncle Fester or Bob Barker. The light bulb will go off, and the price isn't right!!

Everything else is fair game!!!


Blondes are explicit!!

The Sweet and Sour of Arm Candy

Would you think it’s a special relationship if the guy said he would dump you if he ever had to beg for a blowjob? I am sure a man would find it special to get an 'on demand' oral, but to a Blonde, this kind of statement sums up the character of the man I was seeing and just how special he thought I was.

Arm Candy is expendable!!

He has told me numerous times to look internally at the fault of our break up and I have come to the conclusion that we were equally to blame for this train wreck. He asked me to move in so quickly that we really never had the time to get to know each other. I found myself in a stranger's house trying to make the best of it. I wrote most of the time, sipping a bottle of wine throughout the day and finding I really had no connection to this guy I just moved in with.

He spent the day downstairs working, napping off his zanax, and asking for command oral performances, whenever I walked in the room.

Arm Candy has no other purpose!!

I was playing a blind man’s sport to catch what mood he might be in anytime during the day and I felt as if I had to walk on eggshells throughout the whole affair. Anytime we had a conversation, he would inevitably misinterpret things I would say, so I became frustrated and I just ended up letting him believe it was all my error just to save the peace.

Arm Candy should not have original thoughts!!

He sent me home from a holiday just because I had the audacity to joke around that I was bored and lonely having to tour the town alone while he napped.

Arm Candy does not have the right to complain!!

He was a very serious man with little humor in him and my free spirited and flaky mouth seemed to irritate him. He had little tolerance for my personality or anything beyond my being pretty.

Arm candy should just sit and look sweet.

I learned a very valuable lesson the hard way. You cannot rush into a relationship and expect an easy transition into a long term commitment without having a full understanding of each other to be able to create a harmonious communion.

I also learned that being Arm Candy is hard to swallow!!

The Blonde will find the yin to her yang eventually!!

Shooting Blanks

By the forces of nature and Mother Nature herself, my creative energy has been zapped. I have stared blankly at this page for more than a hour trying to come up with something witty or profound to say.

I have so much on my mind that I can't think.

There just went another 10 minutes of staring at the blank page.

and another...

and another....


The Blonde needs to unload soon!!

Bouncing Back

I finally got up, double dose my Claritin, turned off the tube, plugged in my tune box for some swing jazz to get the blood pumping through my pathetic self and headed straight to the ladies maintenance shed for a beauty tune up.

And then I called on a date for tonight.

I refuse to deal with allergies anymore. Griping about it won't make them go away, however,
going on a date with someone who can fly me to any destination that doesn't have cedar trees will.

Finding a solution to a problem is far more productive than complaining about it. I know everyone needs a little grief time, but after awhile you have to say enough is enough, get up and fix it whether it be allergies, work, relationships, or the electronic can opener that always squirts the tuna juice everywhere when you try to unhook the can.



Blondes jump at the chance to travel!!

Sick Thoughts

I have been trying desperately to float my mind out of the pool of phlegm its been drowning in for the last week.

My vocal chords are resonating the sounds of Elmer Fudd's voice.

I only have use of one nostril at a time.

My body is so loaded with sinus and allergy meds that I am drying out to a prunish existence.

I have been too foggy to write, to transfer money, to pay bills, and attend to my social life which is teetering on the borderline of extinction.

I would write more but unfortunately this is all I have to give today.

The Blonde is not feeling well!!

Twinkle, Twinkle

little star,
How I wonder what you are!
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky!

Little girls in ponytails,
dreaming of fairy tales,

and happily ever after endings.


The pigtails are long gone but not the dreams of being someone's Princess. Women have grown up on the fantasy of Prince Charming and the obstacles we must face in order to have him.


Cinderella had to get to a ball,
Sleeping Beauty had to learn to spin yarn,
and Snow White needed to tan her fair skin.

and then Prince Charming would come and rescue them and they would live happily ever after.

Right?

Wrong!!

Like the Lost gospel of Judas, Disney hid the truth of the real fairy tales under reels and reels of the modified versions, their cover up was only recently discovered, exposing the truth behind the torrid world of fairy tales.

The Lost Ending ( edited for quick copy; original to be out in hardback):

Cinderella learned about Snow, Snow learned about Sleeping, and Sleeping learned about Cinderella. They all got together and over a bottle or two of wine they discussed their revenge. For the Prince would be tricked into drinking a potion that would turn him into a toad. Unfortunately, do to their slight inebriation and miscalculations of some of the ingredients, the Prince was turned into a talking frog.

Alas, the Prince, still armed with his voice, charmed his way into a kiss from an unsuspecting young lady and soon was back to his old ways of philandering across fairy tales.


The truth behind the tale is always entertaining but even far more enlightening.


Blondes reach for the stars!!

Death by Tree

Cedar and a decaying Spruce has my face and eyes burning with an intensity you could only achieve by rubbing habenero pepper seeds on one's skin.

And why would anyone want to rub peppers on their skin?

Exactly!!

For over a decade, I have had the distinct displeasure of suffering through the reign of terror of the male cedar tree sperm fest.

Upon immediate inhalation of the invisible pollination jizz causes a brain fog that sets in and dismantles my thought receptors. My body goes into lethargic mode, all except nose and eyes which go into hyperactive drain mode.

So why do I feel the need to add to my misery by suffering at my parents house, during the holidays and the annual drying out of the Christmas tree?

I have no idea.

I must be a sucker for punishment. I swear the tree is burning my skin to twice the normal levels that cedar trees can achieve, but my Father refuses to listen.

He loves his tree. Its not his tree that is causing the allergies. The tree stays until Monday. I can go but the tree stays! Meanwhile, I am floating around the house in a daze mumbling under my breath that the dying spruce is killing me.

To make matters worse, my Mother is spraying the tree with her concoction of lavender and green organic cleaner which she insists will help me.

What doesn't kill me will make me stronger!

The survival training I have received from both parents this holiday has given me the necessary techniques needed to live through a terrorist attack. I can snort anthrax like it was nose sugar, drink poison like it was sumptuous wine, and walk through a bomb like it was a spa mist room.

Blondes are a tough kill!!

The Meaning of New Years

We will write the wrong year on our checks for the next month and a half

Twice as many people will be working out in a sad attempt to achieve the top spot of resolutions

Department stores will log a significantly large number of returned bad present choices

Christmas tree carcasses will line neighborhood driveways until trash day

Scraggly old poinsettias will linger long after their expiration because of the pretty foil and ribbon

DWI lawyers will have an excess of clients to pacify

Credit card companies will hit the lottery on late fees

Novelty hats and tooters will collect dust until Valentines Days

and the maggly meated bone of the spiral ham will finally be tossed out


Welcome to 2009, where everything is new and nothing has changed!!


T