So the Blonde is sitting in gynecologist's office.
Gyno comes, looks at chart,
"Your pregnant!!"
Blonde says
"Its not mine!!"
Its bad and Im bored.
Someone save the Blonde!!
6.17.2008
I can’t win the lottery
But somehow, I can find my way in direct line of fire with a bird's arse just as its about to shiat.
Plunk!!
I have been crapped on by birds all my life. Technically its been four times in my life but how many times has a bird poo-ed on vouz?
I understand in Italy it’s a good luck sign but I am not in Italy!!
I'm in the US of A. Its just an audobanical butt bomb without the accent.
You try to be cool in your rag top at a red light looking all hip. Cute guy pulls up to you.
Your cool, you glance!
He’s cool. He glances!
Its all cool.
Plunk!!
Dammit!!
Last time, I was in San Antone the night after hanging with Collective Soul at Dirty’s on the River Walk.
Thinking, Im cool!
Plunk!!
The time before that I was hanging at San Luis in Galveston. On holiday!! Looking fine after a day at the spa. Parading around the pool in my new bikini.
Plunk!!
Is it my hair? Do I send some super beacon of light that sends some gamma signal to these feathery beasts that stirs up their bowels and drop a bird butt loogy on me?
Plunk!!
Plunk, Plunk!!!!
Is God sending me a signal from the heavens to watch my ego? Keep me in check somehow or does he just get a kick picking on the Blonde when she is feeling pretty darn smug of herself?
Plunk!!
Plunk!!
Geeez, JeeeZusssss!!
Blondes can doo without…seriously!!.
Plunk!!
I have been crapped on by birds all my life. Technically its been four times in my life but how many times has a bird poo-ed on vouz?
I understand in Italy it’s a good luck sign but I am not in Italy!!
I'm in the US of A. Its just an audobanical butt bomb without the accent.
You try to be cool in your rag top at a red light looking all hip. Cute guy pulls up to you.
Your cool, you glance!
He’s cool. He glances!
Its all cool.
Plunk!!
Dammit!!
Last time, I was in San Antone the night after hanging with Collective Soul at Dirty’s on the River Walk.
Thinking, Im cool!
Plunk!!
The time before that I was hanging at San Luis in Galveston. On holiday!! Looking fine after a day at the spa. Parading around the pool in my new bikini.
Plunk!!
Is it my hair? Do I send some super beacon of light that sends some gamma signal to these feathery beasts that stirs up their bowels and drop a bird butt loogy on me?
Plunk!!
Plunk, Plunk!!!!
Is God sending me a signal from the heavens to watch my ego? Keep me in check somehow or does he just get a kick picking on the Blonde when she is feeling pretty darn smug of herself?
Plunk!!
Plunk!!
Geeez, JeeeZusssss!!
Blondes can doo without…seriously!!.
6.16.2008
Mr. Murphy
and I are going to have to talk about his little law, especially when it comes to working on the CEO's computer!!
You would think that when I neatly package and transfer files from one pc to another that it would include the contact portion of Outlook.
You would think that because I was able to accomplish this on all the other four new pc's, that I could perform this task for the boss right before salary review time.
Nope!!
Mr Murphy, and his infinite wisdom, put his little judiciary move on me without provocation!
Damn you Murphy!!
Those sneaky bastards at Microsoft put a size limitation on my pst files. It was turned into an ansi instead of Unicode. Blah, blah, blah...
Biatch!!
I can see why people want Mac!!
Mmmmm.....
Big Mac...I am starving but I will never eat at my cherished childhood haunts again. I saw the movie 'Super Size Me'. It super sucked for me. I really didn't need to see the splattered puke on the ground. The up heaving was plenty to deter me from gobbling up a double quarter pounder with cheese ever again.
BESIDES,
I wouldn't eat fast food around bikini season anyway and the fact that my office refuses to acquisition a hippity hop or gym membership for me, I am forced to skip any notions of eating AT LUNCH!!
How am I supposed to maintain a round arse when its getting smooshed flat by sitting in this chair for more than 6 hours a day? And chivering all day because the air conditioner is too low does not count as burning calories!!
What's the point of buying a cute little office dress if I have to hide it under a bulky eskimo sweater just to stay warm.
I think we should change our offices to a retreat on the lake where real work can get done.
Sign contracts only after the margarita machine gets going!
File papers before gassing up the boat?
Send the email to the blackberry when wake boarding!
and for Gah sakes...someone get Veronica a hippity hop!!
Blondes need fresh air and exercise to stay well rounded!!
You would think that when I neatly package and transfer files from one pc to another that it would include the contact portion of Outlook.
You would think that because I was able to accomplish this on all the other four new pc's, that I could perform this task for the boss right before salary review time.
Nope!!
Mr Murphy, and his infinite wisdom, put his little judiciary move on me without provocation!
Damn you Murphy!!
Those sneaky bastards at Microsoft put a size limitation on my pst files. It was turned into an ansi instead of Unicode. Blah, blah, blah...
Biatch!!
I can see why people want Mac!!
Mmmmm.....
Big Mac...I am starving but I will never eat at my cherished childhood haunts again. I saw the movie 'Super Size Me'. It super sucked for me. I really didn't need to see the splattered puke on the ground. The up heaving was plenty to deter me from gobbling up a double quarter pounder with cheese ever again.
BESIDES,
I wouldn't eat fast food around bikini season anyway and the fact that my office refuses to acquisition a hippity hop or gym membership for me, I am forced to skip any notions of eating AT LUNCH!!
How am I supposed to maintain a round arse when its getting smooshed flat by sitting in this chair for more than 6 hours a day? And chivering all day because the air conditioner is too low does not count as burning calories!!
What's the point of buying a cute little office dress if I have to hide it under a bulky eskimo sweater just to stay warm.
I think we should change our offices to a retreat on the lake where real work can get done.
Sign contracts only after the margarita machine gets going!
File papers before gassing up the boat?
Send the email to the blackberry when wake boarding!
and for Gah sakes...someone get Veronica a hippity hop!!
Blondes need fresh air and exercise to stay well rounded!!
6.13.2008
Bimbo or Secret Bust
I understand the handsomely challenged have a slight disadvantage compared to those better looking gents on the market today, so its understandable they are going to pony up a few fantasy images of their life to impress a young lady.
I am currently being pursued by a super secret agent, laying low undercover as a short, fat, bald liquor store owner who has a private residence at the Four Seasons, a Leer jet at his disposal, and 84 acres of lake frontage, with a boat.
Oh, did I mention, his wife died 8 years ago and he has a Nanny, and a personal physician on call for his daughter.
If you have sooo much money, why are you working the counter at your liquor store?
Hhmmm
Oh, that's right..super secret agent!!
Undercover!!
Mums the word.
I promise.
What girl wouldn't want to dive right in after being pursued by such wealth and intrigue, throw her clothes off, turn out the lights, cover the shades, put a paper bag over her head after consuming a quart of liquor and get up all in the rich dudes fugly face.
Its a dream come true for many girls!!
Except Blondes
We don't do Mini-Me's!!
You know what the number one problem for secret agents who share their identity with a Blonde, that has the curiosity of a one-eyed caterpillar and a lot of time to kill at work, is?
We find out your real identity, yank you off the ride at Fantasyland, cuz you lied your way in and then...
Put you on a bus back to Neveragainland suburbia!!
Blonde doesn't mean Bimbo!!
I am currently being pursued by a super secret agent, laying low undercover as a short, fat, bald liquor store owner who has a private residence at the Four Seasons, a Leer jet at his disposal, and 84 acres of lake frontage, with a boat.
Oh, did I mention, his wife died 8 years ago and he has a Nanny, and a personal physician on call for his daughter.
If you have sooo much money, why are you working the counter at your liquor store?
Hhmmm
Oh, that's right..super secret agent!!
Undercover!!
Mums the word.
I promise.
What girl wouldn't want to dive right in after being pursued by such wealth and intrigue, throw her clothes off, turn out the lights, cover the shades, put a paper bag over her head after consuming a quart of liquor and get up all in the rich dudes fugly face.
Its a dream come true for many girls!!
Except Blondes
We don't do Mini-Me's!!
You know what the number one problem for secret agents who share their identity with a Blonde, that has the curiosity of a one-eyed caterpillar and a lot of time to kill at work, is?
We find out your real identity, yank you off the ride at Fantasyland, cuz you lied your way in and then...
Put you on a bus back to Neveragainland suburbia!!
Blonde doesn't mean Bimbo!!
6.12.2008
Ying for Yang
Steak and potato chomping Republicans can now have their green cake and eat it too!!
GMC has come out with a Yukon hybrid that shadows over hummus and tabouli packing liberals Prius's like an eclipse gone wild. The new toddler on the block, wearing his new big boy panties with leak protection, will beat the tiny Toyota tot on the playground with an extra hundred dollars in gas savings.
I love big things(accept my dress size), always have and always will. Cars are no exception to the rule. If I had my way I would be tooling around town in a '53 Mercury gas guzzling rag-top every day. Its nice to know I, being one who swings both ways politically, can buy a hybrid in my size!!
But I can't help but think is the Yukon like having a boyfriend on steroids?
All gusto but no go!!
Sure he look big and fabulous on the outside but do I really want something that drives for a really, really long time with no thrust and sounds like a hummingbird?!
Can being green be manly enough one day for a Bubba and a Blonde?
Blondes dig anything with eco-bravado!!
GMC has come out with a Yukon hybrid that shadows over hummus and tabouli packing liberals Prius's like an eclipse gone wild. The new toddler on the block, wearing his new big boy panties with leak protection, will beat the tiny Toyota tot on the playground with an extra hundred dollars in gas savings.
I love big things(accept my dress size), always have and always will. Cars are no exception to the rule. If I had my way I would be tooling around town in a '53 Mercury gas guzzling rag-top every day. Its nice to know I, being one who swings both ways politically, can buy a hybrid in my size!!
But I can't help but think is the Yukon like having a boyfriend on steroids?
All gusto but no go!!
Sure he look big and fabulous on the outside but do I really want something that drives for a really, really long time with no thrust and sounds like a hummingbird?!
Can being green be manly enough one day for a Bubba and a Blonde?
Blondes dig anything with eco-bravado!!
6.11.2008
No Pussy Allowed
Keeping cats off your furniture and your fresh laundry is like asking the pope to keep priests off the pulpit boys.
I have always found a water pistol my best friend when it came to teaching my babies that claws on Mummy’s new Italian leather sofa was a big No-No and could end up in having their fur and tails stripped from their bodies as punishment for such a crime.
Of course threats don't work with cats because they don't care what you want. They care what they want!
Now having joined ranks with a cool group of rag top owners a new problem has emerged. Miss Sophie and her 18 pounds of Twinkie defying acrobats has put a cat butt divot in my convertible top; and this we absolutely can not have!!
For Gah sakes she is puckering the top in. I think I have to kill her. I can’t give her away no one will have her. She eats the equivalent of three times her morbidly obese kitty cat poundage in canned food and she isn’t picky to her plate. She will eat as fast as she can and than move over to the other cat’s plates. Unleash her in an all you can eat buffet and she would bankrupt the eatery.
I thought keeping the top soaked with water would deter my little trailer park beauty feline queen…nope…I walk out to see a mash of white and pink fur all over my freshly washed top.
Seeing as I can’t be there to squirt her with my water pistol every time she warps my world, I have decided to take her to the spa and have her fur waxed off, tail chopped, and stomach sucked in to solve the problem. I don’t know, maybe to really teach her its not nice to ruin Mummy’s things, I will get her lips injected and put her in a beauty pageant in Beaumont.
I think she might actually have a chance of winning.
Blondes think beauty pageants are a crime!!
I have always found a water pistol my best friend when it came to teaching my babies that claws on Mummy’s new Italian leather sofa was a big No-No and could end up in having their fur and tails stripped from their bodies as punishment for such a crime.
Of course threats don't work with cats because they don't care what you want. They care what they want!
Now having joined ranks with a cool group of rag top owners a new problem has emerged. Miss Sophie and her 18 pounds of Twinkie defying acrobats has put a cat butt divot in my convertible top; and this we absolutely can not have!!
For Gah sakes she is puckering the top in. I think I have to kill her. I can’t give her away no one will have her. She eats the equivalent of three times her morbidly obese kitty cat poundage in canned food and she isn’t picky to her plate. She will eat as fast as she can and than move over to the other cat’s plates. Unleash her in an all you can eat buffet and she would bankrupt the eatery.
I thought keeping the top soaked with water would deter my little trailer park beauty feline queen…nope…I walk out to see a mash of white and pink fur all over my freshly washed top.
Seeing as I can’t be there to squirt her with my water pistol every time she warps my world, I have decided to take her to the spa and have her fur waxed off, tail chopped, and stomach sucked in to solve the problem. I don’t know, maybe to really teach her its not nice to ruin Mummy’s things, I will get her lips injected and put her in a beauty pageant in Beaumont.
I think she might actually have a chance of winning.
Blondes think beauty pageants are a crime!!
Falling for my Boss
It has been an incredible week of blondeness and I was hoping it was over but unfortunately we still have until Friday.
We had an investors meeting this morning and I was sitting at my desk which is opposite the glass windows of the conference room. We have maybe one or two meetings a month and rarely this many people, but its a new project.
Anyhoo,
Being that I was bored at work and super surfed the internet highway all week, I changed my mouse to the left side of my desk to use the other hand, just because. The cable was stretched from top left of the desk to lower right attached to the pc tower. I was kicking my feet under the desk as I was moping around Myspace for new music and didn't realize the mouse cable had wrapped itself around the heel of my shoe.
Needless to say, I tried to get up for coffee and I tripped...
In slow motion!
My arms spread with eagle like wings trying to catch my balance.
My leg up in the air shaking violently to get the cord out from the heel...
Boom!!
Right
in
front
of
everyone!!
I, not so elegantly picked myself up, shook my head, dusted my pants, and before I could stop my mouth from connecting to my brain, I yelped.
"Fu--k!!"
I am fairly certain we had a room full of lip readers because when I finally did make eye contact with a few of them, there jaws had dropped half way down their big round bellies and they looked away quicker than a rabbit being chased by a snake.
C'est La Via!!
Blondes hate falling for ugly rich dudes!!
We had an investors meeting this morning and I was sitting at my desk which is opposite the glass windows of the conference room. We have maybe one or two meetings a month and rarely this many people, but its a new project.
Anyhoo,
Being that I was bored at work and super surfed the internet highway all week, I changed my mouse to the left side of my desk to use the other hand, just because. The cable was stretched from top left of the desk to lower right attached to the pc tower. I was kicking my feet under the desk as I was moping around Myspace for new music and didn't realize the mouse cable had wrapped itself around the heel of my shoe.
Needless to say, I tried to get up for coffee and I tripped...
In slow motion!
My arms spread with eagle like wings trying to catch my balance.
My leg up in the air shaking violently to get the cord out from the heel...
Boom!!
Right
in
front
of
everyone!!
I, not so elegantly picked myself up, shook my head, dusted my pants, and before I could stop my mouth from connecting to my brain, I yelped.
"Fu--k!!"
I am fairly certain we had a room full of lip readers because when I finally did make eye contact with a few of them, there jaws had dropped half way down their big round bellies and they looked away quicker than a rabbit being chased by a snake.
C'est La Via!!
Blondes hate falling for ugly rich dudes!!
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