Blinde Blonde beauty tip #9

I decided to drink coconut milk as a natural diuretic. I wanted to be super skinny for the party this Saturday. I open the can of unsweetened thai coconut milk..At first I thought it looked wrong but thought maybe the chunks and the liquid just needed stirring. It didn't have strong smell or I just missed it but when i tried it...uckk..it was awful. I could barely choke it down but I thought...well, it is unsweetened..maybe the process of removing the sweetness and it was thai..well...ity tasted like foot..a dirty homeless persons footbut I kept trying to mix it in things to hide the flavor...afterall I have a party to go to and I want to be super thin....

I could bare it no more. It sat in my refridgerator until my Mother discovered it...she thought someone put caustic chemicals in my can of coconut milk...apparently it was that bad...and yes my Mother is a blond...why?back to story..I was drinking bad coconut milk...who knew things could go bad in a can...

Don't let a Blond stock the bomb shelter..

Ladies, Stop Sleeping Around!!

Its not attractive and your turning otherwise decent men into sex ogres who think they can get the milk free from every cow.

The double standard is here for a good reason.Use it.

Feminism isn't being one of the boys..its about being a better woman to yourself.

What is with the mentality that you sleep with all these men and than your so tired of being used you refuse to sleep with the guy your really like until he marries you!!

Slut is not a color blondes wear well!!

What’s the problem? I have condom!!

The problem?!!
This is sort of the second part to the series. Considering this date made it to my top 10 worst dates in my history books..I felt it deserved a little extra attention.
I don't know, i thought i looked good. i had my Ralph lauren boots on, my Armani cotton black dress (size 2) and cute smile..
He saw me, immediately headed for waiter, ordered his scotch, refused to talk to me or look at me, focused on this older couple that was kissing his ass the whole night and continued to ignore me to the point I felt I was no longer needed for the conversation and proceeded to grab the attention of other men..Im glad they validated that I deserve attention...not that I need validation!!
Even after all this, I didn't want the baffoon in all his drunken wonderment killing someone with his car. I offered to see if I could get double beds instead of my king to accomadate him and for that I get this when he advanced toward me...
What's the problem? I have a condom!!
needless to say..the door was politely slammed in his face.
Blondes don't date dullards!!

Couple Tunnel Syndrom

I was waiting for my date in the lobby bar of the hotel when a 50ish couple asked if they could sit near me. I looked around and so ample seating and therefore no reason to crowd me. I thought to myself..I don't do threesomes.
"Yes, you may". I was writing and they asked me why I was sitting at the bar alone on a friday...I still don't do threesomes!!
I told them I arrived in San Antonio early driving in from Austin and I was waiting for my date to arrive. I went back to writing and they read a magazine..so whatever.
Ok..so my date arrives....I get up to greet him, we sit down. I try to talk to him but he is very quiet and II was very frustrated and so I rolled my eyes in the direction of the couple.
The couple started to talk to him, at first I was greatful that they got the ball rolling. Upon finding out the guys family owns alot of ranch they proceeded to stick both their heads up his ass for the rest of the evening. Apparently, he does do threesomes because after ignoring me the entire evening he exchanged numbers with them.
I could continue with the story but if you read my blog "Mama teach your Cowboys" should tell you the rest.

Blondes dont like to be redundant or ignored!!

MaMa TeaCh YouR CowBoyS!!

Just because they have a condom in their wallet,. doesn't mean they will get to use it!

Yes, you can drink scotch like its water..but its not!

You don't have to wear the hat all the time

Cows and Girls are different..they just are!!

Blonde Moment 113

I keep losing count...
The fondue Gods sent down their wrath. Never break the golden rule of sticking one piece of steak on your fork.
I was tired and hungry so I attempted to add more than one cube of meat to my fork. The third piece is where the God's struck...the fork pierced the last piece of meat all the way through and lodged itself into the palm of my hand.

Blondes lose their appetite at the site of blood!!

Blonde Beauty Tip #6

If your going to want a little more scrubbing action than your basic loofah, I suggest that little yellow scrub cloth with the red band...found in your dish washing section of the local grocery store. I found, however, that it must be used with extreme care and that gentle scrubbing is best and at all cost avoid the oh so tender nipple area.

If by accident you are overly zealous with tyour scrubbing, one must stop by the first aid isle and pick up the tattoo style band aids with cute graphics on it...no reason not to be fashionable during your time in pain...avoid hugs, tight shirts, and sleep on your back or side until full recovery..

I would be ashamed but Im a blond...

Drivre traffic to your Blog

Actually I am only interested in driving traffic to my blog...so thanks for the view!!!

Blondes hope for read rage!!

Kreepy Karma

O.K. so its close to Halloween and this is really creepy. My cell phone rang and it showed block caller ID. I let it roll to voice mail and than I checked it.It was some guy who dialed the wrong number, assuming its not a joke, saying he is a patient and needs to talk to someone right away..Mr. Hanson is his name but he left no phone number. The guy sounded like he is about to off himself and had a creepy Stephen Hawkins voice...I'm right to think this is a joke, right? Is this karmic retribution because I upset a muse...hmmm

Hey Mr. Hanson..don't bum a blonde out and die!!

GroWn Ups in Costume aRe CrEepY

I don't dress up, not to be a bum but because I have seen what y'all look like at the parties. That oil make up on the big old pores and wrinkles and then you drink and then your face smears and..Holy Shiat..you lke Stephen Kings 'It' clown melting in front of my eyes..its not pretty..its down right scary..
You probably scare the dickens out of your own kids coming home all stinkedified in that polyester outfit, twisted up hair wigs that have been dipped more than twice in someone's goblin punch and that melted face paint.
Im scared just thinking about it..this year toss a couple of baby dolls over shoulder tied with string, short t-shirt that doesn't cover your but and boots...there..now your Britney Dam Spears

Now...Stop scaring the blonde!!

No E

Spell check keeps telling me their isn't an e in blond..There has to be because I keep spelling it that way. I'm pretty sure spell check is wrong..after all what does it know about being Blonde anyway.


B.L.O.N.D.E....blonde..yep..there is an E




Blonde or Blond is still just as blinde!!

Granola mentality at Whole Foods

I think anything can be taken too far, don't you?

The other morning I was on my way to read a script and stopped at Whole Foods to get a cup of tea. I perused the glass case of saran wrapped egg biscuits under the artificial heat lamp. I watched the workers scurry behind the counter making the coffee and putting the plastic lids on - that every morning probably top the landfill by a couple of inches - not that any of this bothers me much...

What bothers me is the reaction from the chick behind the counter after I asked what she thought was a most absurd question.

"Where is the sweet and low?"

My question was returned with an immediate response that seemed to resonate with a little hostility behind the voice.

"We don't have artificial sweetener. We Have Zillertal!"

Zillertal!!?

Awfully synthetic name for such a natural sweetener wouldn't you say?
"We also have nectar." huffed the counter chick proudly.

I took the Zillertal which by the way is the European equivalent of  Equal - a artificial sweetener dervied from synthetically mastered plant extract.

Give a blonde a break before her morning coffee!!