Yesterday, I drove my Father to the pool store to buy a new hose that I would have to help install later that night, but that story is for the next post.
Anyhoo,
As we were leaving a huge, gas guzzling, suburban was driving at a snails pace in front of me. I politely, beeped my horn and made a gesture of two hands holding a fake wheel in effort to ask the woman to pay attention and drive.
She stopped her mammoth mobile in the middle of the street, blocking everyone- most importantly blocking me- to get out of her car to show me she had a medical issue with her leg. She limped two steps and screamed, " I just came from a Doctor in Minneapolis for my leg!!"'
Did I mention she was on her cell phone?!!!
Obviously, she was trying to extort sympathy from someone who doesn't give a flip. My Dad just had heart surgery, should I have yanked him out of the car to show her, he doesn't have time to waste his life away on a self absorbed woman hopped up on pain meds and obviously to incapacitate to drive.
All I did was beep- its my Dad's Honda-it beeps a duck's quacks. I hardly think that calls for someone to get out of their car and scream at me.
Then she quickly hobbled back into her car and drove to the end of the shopping center's drive where you are supposed to merge into traffic if you are turning left--I took traffic lessons online last week; I am an authority now--There is a yield sign and solid line for the merge but...
NOoooo.......
She stopped at the yield sign and put on her left blinker to wait for traffic to stop because she wanted to turn into the far right left lane immediately, which I can't understand since the only left turn you will find is 5 miles up the road.
Obviously this woman was on some sort of drug that dragged her common sense and ability to focus and drive properly, she is just as much a danger to others on the road as a drunk driver.
If you can't drive, don't drive!!!!
Blondes think everyone should steer clear!!!
4.02.2009
3.30.2009
Being With Oneness
Living with your elderly parents can have its onederful moments.
One is always cold and the other is always hot.
One turns the heat up to a boiler room and the other turns down the temp to sub zero.
One likes wool blankets and the other likes feather duvets.
One runs around half naked during the day and goes full Boticelli late at night in her art room.
One drops his pants to retuck his shirt in the foyer.
One barks orders at his wife and the other barks orders at me.
One like to be neat and the other likes chaotic clutter.
One steers the car and the other is a backseat driver.
One stays up late and the other rises early.
One swipes my bath towels for the laundry and the other swipes my toilet paper when she runs out.
One messes up the kitchen and the other one bitches about cleaning it.
One can't live with out the other and the other can't live without him.
Its as symbiotic as love gets after 50 years of being together and I have the distinct privilege of seeing it first hand.
Hopefully,
The Blonde will have the same one day!!!
One is always cold and the other is always hot.
One turns the heat up to a boiler room and the other turns down the temp to sub zero.
One likes wool blankets and the other likes feather duvets.
One runs around half naked during the day and goes full Boticelli late at night in her art room.
One drops his pants to retuck his shirt in the foyer.
One barks orders at his wife and the other barks orders at me.
One like to be neat and the other likes chaotic clutter.
One steers the car and the other is a backseat driver.
One stays up late and the other rises early.
One swipes my bath towels for the laundry and the other swipes my toilet paper when she runs out.
One messes up the kitchen and the other one bitches about cleaning it.
One can't live with out the other and the other can't live without him.
Its as symbiotic as love gets after 50 years of being together and I have the distinct privilege of seeing it first hand.
Hopefully,
The Blonde will have the same one day!!!
3.27.2009
No Right Turn
I have a 1995 jaguar vanden plas, She is black, sleek, gorgeous and can't make right turns on account of the steering rack is shot all to heck and back. If you do make a right turn it can not be sharp and you have to straighten the wheel immediately before the steering fluid has a chance to leak out completely.
I have found a way to get around town without having to make right hand turns, which I think for Blonde, is quite an extraordinary feet. My preferred gas stations are all on the left hand side of the road. My grocery stores, dry cleaner and drug store are all left hand turns with large spaces to circle to the left to get back on the road.
I even plan my weekend evenings out and what bars and restaurants to attend based on my ability to travel left way. Even the valets dowtown know my cars plight and work around the left for me. they also know a jackson will hit their palm if i don;t hear screeching from an empty steering pump.
Its almost like writing a book without the letter E. The book Gadsby ( not to be confused with the 'Great Gatsby') is a 50,000 word novel written by Ernest Vincent Wright, without once using the the letter 'E'.
I am calculating my mileage and I think I can drive for at least another 2,000 miles without turning right, because quite frankly that is how long it will take to find a replacement steering rack under $2 grand.
I could give up my car and buy a new one but quite frankly I love her. She rides like glass and no one would put up with her idiosyncrasies the way I do. We are both a bit high maintenance and have worked out our differences. The other day, just to be nice, she actually lighted the stereo and clock for me out of the blue.
She hasn't done that since last year.
And when I wash her, she actually allows me to play the CD player for a few days before going on the fritz.
She has 129,000 miles on her but she is a Tuesday car. A Tuesday car is the one that will always be true to you. If you look on the inside of the door and you will see the code that can be looked up on the web to see what day it was built. Never buy a Monday car, because the workers are hungover from the weekend, and never, never buy a car built on Friday, because the workers at the plant have already checked out mentally way before they punch the time sheet.
Since I am Blonde and go for style more than function, I have to be careful when picking out my cars but I am not.
My Triumph was definitely a Friday car and she was in love with my mechanic, she spent more time with him than me. The Range Rover was a bit dodgy being a Thursday car, it hated red lights and would kill its engine in disgust ay every one.
My Saab convertible is a Wendesday car. She is unhappy that fat Sophie uses her canvas top as a hammock and now refuses to go down without a bit of a shove. I don't drive her because Boo took her off to college to impress the other girls.
God just puts these cars somewhere with a sale sign in the window and I fall in love at first sight. It has been that way for all my cars and I always hold on to them longer than I should.
But what can I say.
The Blonde is a romantic at heart!!
3.26.2009
Blonde Momment 473
I was running late to meet the Captain for margs.
I got in my car, started it up, and pulled out of the driveway.
All of the sudden, I saw smoke surrounding my car.
Great, just frecking great!!
My engine blew!!
As a tallied around to the corner to go back into the driveway, I noticed the smoke was all over the road!
It was precipitation; also known as dew, fog, vapors, and the smokey stuff that ruins a blonde's hairstyle!!
Fine!!!
I admit, I am not perfect, while alive.
But, I am still holding out for the saint dooh-hickey award thingy from the pope when I croak.
The Blonde was in a fog!!!
But only briefly!!
I got in my car, started it up, and pulled out of the driveway.
All of the sudden, I saw smoke surrounding my car.
Great, just frecking great!!
My engine blew!!
As a tallied around to the corner to go back into the driveway, I noticed the smoke was all over the road!
It was precipitation; also known as dew, fog, vapors, and the smokey stuff that ruins a blonde's hairstyle!!
Fine!!!
I admit, I am not perfect, while alive.
But, I am still holding out for the saint dooh-hickey award thingy from the pope when I croak.
The Blonde was in a fog!!!
But only briefly!!
3.24.2009
I Am Offically Reformed
but unofficially, after 6 hours of driver's rehab online, I am going back to my old habits. I guess I don't feel my minor law infractions warrant a full sobriety from speeding. I rarely go over 4, 5, OK...maybe 10 in the city....but I only hit 15 over signage on the highway during really long trips. But in my defense, this is Texas, there is a lot of ugly country and roadkill to speed through on my way to a city landscape.
I missed 4 questions on the video part because I didn't bother to watch the videos and the trick questions got me. I missed only two on the written part, but again I didn't bother to read that either.
I already know the law.
How else would I know when to dart my eyes around looking for the boys in blue before I break one?
Duh!!
I will have to say, I am amazed how the test actually validated me as a considerate and more than decent driver. I passed my driving rehab with flying colors.
Where is my key chain?!!
And now that I know I am a reborn again and a better driver than everyone else, I want to host intervention parties for the zillions of people that refuse to admit they suck at road courtesy which by the way, made up for a third of the entire test.
Here is a little test to see if you need driver's anonymous:
Do you stop at the on ramp because you can't accelerate and navigate, at the same time, to get on the highway?
Do you play secret traffic cop driving the speed limit in the left left lane and not allowing others to pass?
Do you put the cell phone to your ear before shifting in reverse out of your parking space?
Don't even think about saying, "NO" you liar!!
I am no saint, but the Pope should think about making me one after this test!!
I'm kidding!
I cant be a saint until I am dead!!
And considering how bad most of the drivers I share the road with are....that title could come quicker than I want!!
(Excuse me while I knock on wood)
I will admit to one unsaintly act on the road"
I cut very inconsiderate drivers off! But only after they really, really, really deserved it.
Had they taken the time to check in their rear view mirror and realize tailgating is a polite form of saying get the @#$%@#$!! out of the left lane, you $#@$$%#&&*# , I would never need to pull my pedal punch. But as the christians say, "There is a devil, at ever corner, waiting to tempt you into sin."
I just didn't realize it meant, literally, every street corner!
Blondes don't like being driven crazy on the road!!
I missed 4 questions on the video part because I didn't bother to watch the videos and the trick questions got me. I missed only two on the written part, but again I didn't bother to read that either.
I already know the law.
How else would I know when to dart my eyes around looking for the boys in blue before I break one?
Duh!!
I will have to say, I am amazed how the test actually validated me as a considerate and more than decent driver. I passed my driving rehab with flying colors.
Where is my key chain?!!
And now that I know I am a reborn again and a better driver than everyone else, I want to host intervention parties for the zillions of people that refuse to admit they suck at road courtesy which by the way, made up for a third of the entire test.
Here is a little test to see if you need driver's anonymous:
Do you stop at the on ramp because you can't accelerate and navigate, at the same time, to get on the highway?
Do you play secret traffic cop driving the speed limit in the left left lane and not allowing others to pass?
Do you put the cell phone to your ear before shifting in reverse out of your parking space?
Don't even think about saying, "NO" you liar!!
I am no saint, but the Pope should think about making me one after this test!!
I'm kidding!
I cant be a saint until I am dead!!
And considering how bad most of the drivers I share the road with are....that title could come quicker than I want!!
(Excuse me while I knock on wood)
I will admit to one unsaintly act on the road"
I cut very inconsiderate drivers off! But only after they really, really, really deserved it.
Had they taken the time to check in their rear view mirror and realize tailgating is a polite form of saying get the @#$%@#$!! out of the left lane, you $#@$$%#&&*# , I would never need to pull my pedal punch. But as the christians say, "There is a devil, at ever corner, waiting to tempt you into sin."
I just didn't realize it meant, literally, every street corner!
Blondes don't like being driven crazy on the road!!
3.21.2009
Defensive Driving Online
I was snagged by a totally unfair speeding trap last year and ever since, I have been procrastinating to take my defensive driving course. But alas, my time has run out and I have to take my proverbial spanking before I take a beating in court for failure to deliver my certificate of authenticity as a reformed driver.
I might be in for some rocky road when navigating the test considering I make judgment calls to the law, when I feel it is not in my best interest to obey them. For instance, I believe its moronic to stay for an entire red light when I am the only car in sight, so after I have made a complete stop, evaluate safety conditions, and see no copper in sight , I go through the light. Afterward, I make peace with myself, justifying my decision based on the eco-friendly mindset that an idling car at 2 AM, when the atmosphere, in my time zone, is more susceptible to poisonous and unnecessary exhaust.
Anything I can do to help the planet, is in all our best interest.
I wonder if i can argue that in court, if I ever get caught?
Driving with a perfect license gets you kudos with no one but if you slide a bit on the law and get caught, you are rewarded with a 10% discount on your insurance when faxing them the safety course certificate minus the infraction ticket. Lets face it, no one takes the course unless they are forced into it.
At least I will be able to drink and drive my way through this long road to redemption.
The Blonde is in for a long haul!!
I might be in for some rocky road when navigating the test considering I make judgment calls to the law, when I feel it is not in my best interest to obey them. For instance, I believe its moronic to stay for an entire red light when I am the only car in sight, so after I have made a complete stop, evaluate safety conditions, and see no copper in sight , I go through the light. Afterward, I make peace with myself, justifying my decision based on the eco-friendly mindset that an idling car at 2 AM, when the atmosphere, in my time zone, is more susceptible to poisonous and unnecessary exhaust.
Anything I can do to help the planet, is in all our best interest.
I wonder if i can argue that in court, if I ever get caught?
Driving with a perfect license gets you kudos with no one but if you slide a bit on the law and get caught, you are rewarded with a 10% discount on your insurance when faxing them the safety course certificate minus the infraction ticket. Lets face it, no one takes the course unless they are forced into it.
At least I will be able to drink and drive my way through this long road to redemption.
The Blonde is in for a long haul!!
3.19.2009
Parents Are Away, Time To Play
My parents come home from the camping trip I supposedly orchestrated myself out of to house sit and have decadent parties, or so they think.
It does not matter how old you are, when you are under your parents roof, for whatever reason, you are a horny teenager looking to get into trouble.
When they arrive home:
My Mother will inevitably search the house for signs of guests. She will see the beach towel I placed on one of the porch chairs and think it was from a late night scrub and rub in the hot tub, when in actuality, I put it their because one of the cats took a tinkle on it. And even though I cleaned it with tilex, I didn't want to sit directly on it.
My father will head directly for the downstairs bar and wine cellar, which he locked, to check for sign of break ins. And even when he doesn't find signs of knife wounds and pb and j on the door jam, he will count his stock of dusty wines.
They will interrogate my cats, looking for doped up eyes and signs of frolicking feline paw prints on carpets throughout the house. They will search for mounds of fur balls on beds, sofas, and fresh laundry.
Because I was bored, I did the laundry and cleaned the house but the neuroses of my parents will inevitably have them view this as a sad attempt at hiding the remnants of a Bacchus wine party.
They will even go as far as seeing this post as further evidence to my cover up.
So, I must confess:
I doped up the cats and let them loose in the house
Broke into the wine cellar with a cheese knife
Drank the chateau margaux and replaced it with cherry koolaid and recorked the bottles
Partied naked in the hot tub with AIG execs
Ordered call girls and male strippers on the Amex card
and I hired a full cleaning staff to hide the evidence.
As a teenager, I would have just ordered a keg and hit up myspace friends but I am older now and not the teenager my parents still think I am.
Blondes are all grown up now!!
It does not matter how old you are, when you are under your parents roof, for whatever reason, you are a horny teenager looking to get into trouble.
When they arrive home:
My Mother will inevitably search the house for signs of guests. She will see the beach towel I placed on one of the porch chairs and think it was from a late night scrub and rub in the hot tub, when in actuality, I put it their because one of the cats took a tinkle on it. And even though I cleaned it with tilex, I didn't want to sit directly on it.
My father will head directly for the downstairs bar and wine cellar, which he locked, to check for sign of break ins. And even when he doesn't find signs of knife wounds and pb and j on the door jam, he will count his stock of dusty wines.
They will interrogate my cats, looking for doped up eyes and signs of frolicking feline paw prints on carpets throughout the house. They will search for mounds of fur balls on beds, sofas, and fresh laundry.
Because I was bored, I did the laundry and cleaned the house but the neuroses of my parents will inevitably have them view this as a sad attempt at hiding the remnants of a Bacchus wine party.
They will even go as far as seeing this post as further evidence to my cover up.
So, I must confess:
I doped up the cats and let them loose in the house
Broke into the wine cellar with a cheese knife
Drank the chateau margaux and replaced it with cherry koolaid and recorked the bottles
Partied naked in the hot tub with AIG execs
Ordered call girls and male strippers on the Amex card
and I hired a full cleaning staff to hide the evidence.
As a teenager, I would have just ordered a keg and hit up myspace friends but I am older now and not the teenager my parents still think I am.
Blondes are all grown up now!!
3.17.2009
Pavlov's Theory Applied to Blondes
Ali Abu owns one of the many gas stations I use around town to buy my Nat Sherman Fantasias. For those that do not take pride in the art of smoking, Fantasias are crayon colored smoke delights with a gold tip, no junk added beyond natural cancer causing agents, and cost around $9 for a gold scribed box.
I used to average 1 to 2 cigarettes on the weekends with a glass of wine until I tried the nicorette patch, way above my level, which gave me nightmares and an increased craving for my colorful chick sticks. I am now up to 3 to 4, with my wine, and have decided to go cold turkey one day in the near future. Considering I inch closer to the mirror every morning to check for lines induced by obsessive paranoia inflicted on me by beauty product propaganda, the day of smoke freedom is closing in fast. I would quit based on the cancer societies death toll ads but they are annoying and not as convincing as the Oil of Olay Skin Regenerist cream threats on aging skin.
Anyhoo...
Back at Ali Abu's, I use the self slide debit machine and for more than a year, the cashiers have had to reach over and help me finish my transaction.
Slide card
hit debit
enter secret code
and the Blonde waits for her receipt.
Meanwhile, the cashier must reach over the counter
hit the button for
cash back
No
button for
amount correct
Yes
waits for printing of receipt
and hands it to me.
Today, I actually completed the sales transaction all by myself.
Had the cashier just slapped my hand every time I prematurely ended the transaction...I would have learned sooner.
Blondes can learn new tricks!!
I used to average 1 to 2 cigarettes on the weekends with a glass of wine until I tried the nicorette patch, way above my level, which gave me nightmares and an increased craving for my colorful chick sticks. I am now up to 3 to 4, with my wine, and have decided to go cold turkey one day in the near future. Considering I inch closer to the mirror every morning to check for lines induced by obsessive paranoia inflicted on me by beauty product propaganda, the day of smoke freedom is closing in fast. I would quit based on the cancer societies death toll ads but they are annoying and not as convincing as the Oil of Olay Skin Regenerist cream threats on aging skin.
Anyhoo...
Back at Ali Abu's, I use the self slide debit machine and for more than a year, the cashiers have had to reach over and help me finish my transaction.
Slide card
hit debit
enter secret code
and the Blonde waits for her receipt.
Meanwhile, the cashier must reach over the counter
hit the button for
cash back
No
button for
amount correct
Yes
waits for printing of receipt
and hands it to me.
Today, I actually completed the sales transaction all by myself.
Had the cashier just slapped my hand every time I prematurely ended the transaction...I would have learned sooner.
Blondes can learn new tricks!!
3.15.2009
Testes the Talking Fish
Dallas has spun some stories far more interesting than the Captain and I am enthralled once again of colorful accounts too far fetched to write from my imagination, no matter how many bottles of vino I drink before settling down to write.
Dallas, as you may have read, is the gentleman who was going to allow me to board my mini cow on his ranch. But do to the fact, I do not trust him enough not to turn my mini cow into sliders and ribs, and the fact that while its fun to think of owning a mini cow...its still a cow and I have enough issues with my cat's litter box, I have quickly put mini cow ownership on a reality halt.
The story of Testes the fish started a long time ago. Dallas was camping with friends near Garner State park, along side a large lake. In the darkest of evenings as he sat pondering his adulthood, a fish came out of the water and talked to Dallas. I am not at liberty to discuss the conversation because, quite frankly, I was scoffenheiming the reality of the fish speaking, that I failed to hear what Testes had actually said to Dallas.
Now, Dallas swears he was not smoking anything funny that night and from knowing him not to be one to take a puff on the canibus leaf, I have to just assume he had a crazy moment.
After discussing worldly insight with Testes the fish, Dallas went back to his friends only to discover a statue named 'Mauie' perched on top of a rock. Apparently, Testes left him the gift.
I am not sure if it was Testes or Maui that brought on the following events but according to Dallas, its all true.
On 9/11,four years after the talk with Testes, way back when before the real 9/11...Dallas and his friends were shot and left for dead. Dallas has the bullet wounds to prove it!! Four years later on 9/11...Dallas' house burnt down with Maui left half charred and burnt. Four years after that 9/11, the real 9/11 happened.
I know you are probably asking yourself right about now, where do I meet these guys. Internet dating sites? Where else?!!
Anyhoo, back to crazy!
Then one night, while out drinking, Dallas ran into a a few women that said they were Wiccan and could cast a spell to protect him. And sure enough, Dallas went for it and a full blown wiccan
party entailed and candles were burnt and voila!!
Ever since then, Dallas has been free from 9/11 turmoil but I still have no intention of ever spending a September with him, considering I have not had the same spell afforded to me.
With the Captain and Dallas at the helm of my freindship list, you can certainly understand why I would find dinner parties with talks of visits to St. Barts and the economic crisis with normal peeps, a total bore.
Blondes like tall tales!!
Dallas, as you may have read, is the gentleman who was going to allow me to board my mini cow on his ranch. But do to the fact, I do not trust him enough not to turn my mini cow into sliders and ribs, and the fact that while its fun to think of owning a mini cow...its still a cow and I have enough issues with my cat's litter box, I have quickly put mini cow ownership on a reality halt.
The story of Testes the fish started a long time ago. Dallas was camping with friends near Garner State park, along side a large lake. In the darkest of evenings as he sat pondering his adulthood, a fish came out of the water and talked to Dallas. I am not at liberty to discuss the conversation because, quite frankly, I was scoffenheiming the reality of the fish speaking, that I failed to hear what Testes had actually said to Dallas.
Now, Dallas swears he was not smoking anything funny that night and from knowing him not to be one to take a puff on the canibus leaf, I have to just assume he had a crazy moment.
After discussing worldly insight with Testes the fish, Dallas went back to his friends only to discover a statue named 'Mauie' perched on top of a rock. Apparently, Testes left him the gift.
I am not sure if it was Testes or Maui that brought on the following events but according to Dallas, its all true.
On 9/11,four years after the talk with Testes, way back when before the real 9/11...Dallas and his friends were shot and left for dead. Dallas has the bullet wounds to prove it!! Four years later on 9/11...Dallas' house burnt down with Maui left half charred and burnt. Four years after that 9/11, the real 9/11 happened.
I know you are probably asking yourself right about now, where do I meet these guys. Internet dating sites? Where else?!!
Anyhoo, back to crazy!
Then one night, while out drinking, Dallas ran into a a few women that said they were Wiccan and could cast a spell to protect him. And sure enough, Dallas went for it and a full blown wiccan
party entailed and candles were burnt and voila!!
Ever since then, Dallas has been free from 9/11 turmoil but I still have no intention of ever spending a September with him, considering I have not had the same spell afforded to me.
With the Captain and Dallas at the helm of my freindship list, you can certainly understand why I would find dinner parties with talks of visits to St. Barts and the economic crisis with normal peeps, a total bore.
Blondes like tall tales!!
3.11.2009
The Sunscreen Song
Every year I look at my Victoria Secret bikini log, I think of 'The Sunscreen Song'. The song was created by Baz Lurhman but it was actually an article, written by Mary Schmich, for the Chicago Tribune in 1997.
Spring Break is about to hit Texas and I think of all the young hotties that will bake away in the sun not realizing that when they hit my age, they will wish they didn't (I know I am) so I, being in a generous mood tonight, have decided to offer up a social contribution. I am bringing out the decade old advice and dispensing it for future genz.
As for the videos of lude acts that will inevitably hit SEXtube....not my problem. Mamma and Daddy should have done a better job raising you!!
The Blonde never bakes!!
Spring Break is about to hit Texas and I think of all the young hotties that will bake away in the sun not realizing that when they hit my age, they will wish they didn't (I know I am) so I, being in a generous mood tonight, have decided to offer up a social contribution. I am bringing out the decade old advice and dispensing it for future genz.
As for the videos of lude acts that will inevitably hit SEXtube....not my problem. Mamma and Daddy should have done a better job raising you!!
The Blonde never bakes!!
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