My parents come home from the camping trip I supposedly orchestrated myself out of to house sit and have decadent parties, or so they think.
It does not matter how old you are, when you are under your parents roof, for whatever reason, you are a horny teenager looking to get into trouble.
When they arrive home:
My Mother will inevitably search the house for signs of guests. She will see the beach towel I placed on one of the porch chairs and think it was from a late night scrub and rub in the hot tub, when in actuality, I put it their because one of the cats took a tinkle on it. And even though I cleaned it with tilex, I didn't want to sit directly on it.
My father will head directly for the downstairs bar and wine cellar, which he locked, to check for sign of break ins. And even when he doesn't find signs of knife wounds and pb and j on the door jam, he will count his stock of dusty wines.
They will interrogate my cats, looking for doped up eyes and signs of frolicking feline paw prints on carpets throughout the house. They will search for mounds of fur balls on beds, sofas, and fresh laundry.
Because I was bored, I did the laundry and cleaned the house but the neuroses of my parents will inevitably have them view this as a sad attempt at hiding the remnants of a Bacchus wine party.
They will even go as far as seeing this post as further evidence to my cover up.
So, I must confess:
I doped up the cats and let them loose in the house
Broke into the wine cellar with a cheese knife
Drank the chateau margaux and replaced it with cherry koolaid and recorked the bottles
Partied naked in the hot tub with AIG execs
Ordered call girls and male strippers on the Amex card
and I hired a full cleaning staff to hide the evidence.
As a teenager, I would have just ordered a keg and hit up myspace friends but I am older now and not the teenager my parents still think I am.
Blondes are all grown up now!!
3.19.2009
3.17.2009
Pavlov's Theory Applied to Blondes
Ali Abu owns one of the many gas stations I use around town to buy my Nat Sherman Fantasias. For those that do not take pride in the art of smoking, Fantasias are crayon colored smoke delights with a gold tip, no junk added beyond natural cancer causing agents, and cost around $9 for a gold scribed box.
I used to average 1 to 2 cigarettes on the weekends with a glass of wine until I tried the nicorette patch, way above my level, which gave me nightmares and an increased craving for my colorful chick sticks. I am now up to 3 to 4, with my wine, and have decided to go cold turkey one day in the near future. Considering I inch closer to the mirror every morning to check for lines induced by obsessive paranoia inflicted on me by beauty product propaganda, the day of smoke freedom is closing in fast. I would quit based on the cancer societies death toll ads but they are annoying and not as convincing as the Oil of Olay Skin Regenerist cream threats on aging skin.
Anyhoo...
Back at Ali Abu's, I use the self slide debit machine and for more than a year, the cashiers have had to reach over and help me finish my transaction.
Slide card
hit debit
enter secret code
and the Blonde waits for her receipt.
Meanwhile, the cashier must reach over the counter
hit the button for
cash back
No
button for
amount correct
Yes
waits for printing of receipt
and hands it to me.
Today, I actually completed the sales transaction all by myself.
Had the cashier just slapped my hand every time I prematurely ended the transaction...I would have learned sooner.
Blondes can learn new tricks!!
I used to average 1 to 2 cigarettes on the weekends with a glass of wine until I tried the nicorette patch, way above my level, which gave me nightmares and an increased craving for my colorful chick sticks. I am now up to 3 to 4, with my wine, and have decided to go cold turkey one day in the near future. Considering I inch closer to the mirror every morning to check for lines induced by obsessive paranoia inflicted on me by beauty product propaganda, the day of smoke freedom is closing in fast. I would quit based on the cancer societies death toll ads but they are annoying and not as convincing as the Oil of Olay Skin Regenerist cream threats on aging skin.
Anyhoo...
Back at Ali Abu's, I use the self slide debit machine and for more than a year, the cashiers have had to reach over and help me finish my transaction.
Slide card
hit debit
enter secret code
and the Blonde waits for her receipt.
Meanwhile, the cashier must reach over the counter
hit the button for
cash back
No
button for
amount correct
Yes
waits for printing of receipt
and hands it to me.
Today, I actually completed the sales transaction all by myself.
Had the cashier just slapped my hand every time I prematurely ended the transaction...I would have learned sooner.
Blondes can learn new tricks!!
3.15.2009
Testes the Talking Fish
Dallas has spun some stories far more interesting than the Captain and I am enthralled once again of colorful accounts too far fetched to write from my imagination, no matter how many bottles of vino I drink before settling down to write.
Dallas, as you may have read, is the gentleman who was going to allow me to board my mini cow on his ranch. But do to the fact, I do not trust him enough not to turn my mini cow into sliders and ribs, and the fact that while its fun to think of owning a mini cow...its still a cow and I have enough issues with my cat's litter box, I have quickly put mini cow ownership on a reality halt.
The story of Testes the fish started a long time ago. Dallas was camping with friends near Garner State park, along side a large lake. In the darkest of evenings as he sat pondering his adulthood, a fish came out of the water and talked to Dallas. I am not at liberty to discuss the conversation because, quite frankly, I was scoffenheiming the reality of the fish speaking, that I failed to hear what Testes had actually said to Dallas.
Now, Dallas swears he was not smoking anything funny that night and from knowing him not to be one to take a puff on the canibus leaf, I have to just assume he had a crazy moment.
After discussing worldly insight with Testes the fish, Dallas went back to his friends only to discover a statue named 'Mauie' perched on top of a rock. Apparently, Testes left him the gift.
I am not sure if it was Testes or Maui that brought on the following events but according to Dallas, its all true.
On 9/11,four years after the talk with Testes, way back when before the real 9/11...Dallas and his friends were shot and left for dead. Dallas has the bullet wounds to prove it!! Four years later on 9/11...Dallas' house burnt down with Maui left half charred and burnt. Four years after that 9/11, the real 9/11 happened.
I know you are probably asking yourself right about now, where do I meet these guys. Internet dating sites? Where else?!!
Anyhoo, back to crazy!
Then one night, while out drinking, Dallas ran into a a few women that said they were Wiccan and could cast a spell to protect him. And sure enough, Dallas went for it and a full blown wiccan
party entailed and candles were burnt and voila!!
Ever since then, Dallas has been free from 9/11 turmoil but I still have no intention of ever spending a September with him, considering I have not had the same spell afforded to me.
With the Captain and Dallas at the helm of my freindship list, you can certainly understand why I would find dinner parties with talks of visits to St. Barts and the economic crisis with normal peeps, a total bore.
Blondes like tall tales!!
Dallas, as you may have read, is the gentleman who was going to allow me to board my mini cow on his ranch. But do to the fact, I do not trust him enough not to turn my mini cow into sliders and ribs, and the fact that while its fun to think of owning a mini cow...its still a cow and I have enough issues with my cat's litter box, I have quickly put mini cow ownership on a reality halt.
The story of Testes the fish started a long time ago. Dallas was camping with friends near Garner State park, along side a large lake. In the darkest of evenings as he sat pondering his adulthood, a fish came out of the water and talked to Dallas. I am not at liberty to discuss the conversation because, quite frankly, I was scoffenheiming the reality of the fish speaking, that I failed to hear what Testes had actually said to Dallas.
Now, Dallas swears he was not smoking anything funny that night and from knowing him not to be one to take a puff on the canibus leaf, I have to just assume he had a crazy moment.
After discussing worldly insight with Testes the fish, Dallas went back to his friends only to discover a statue named 'Mauie' perched on top of a rock. Apparently, Testes left him the gift.
I am not sure if it was Testes or Maui that brought on the following events but according to Dallas, its all true.
On 9/11,four years after the talk with Testes, way back when before the real 9/11...Dallas and his friends were shot and left for dead. Dallas has the bullet wounds to prove it!! Four years later on 9/11...Dallas' house burnt down with Maui left half charred and burnt. Four years after that 9/11, the real 9/11 happened.
I know you are probably asking yourself right about now, where do I meet these guys. Internet dating sites? Where else?!!
Anyhoo, back to crazy!
Then one night, while out drinking, Dallas ran into a a few women that said they were Wiccan and could cast a spell to protect him. And sure enough, Dallas went for it and a full blown wiccan
party entailed and candles were burnt and voila!!
Ever since then, Dallas has been free from 9/11 turmoil but I still have no intention of ever spending a September with him, considering I have not had the same spell afforded to me.
With the Captain and Dallas at the helm of my freindship list, you can certainly understand why I would find dinner parties with talks of visits to St. Barts and the economic crisis with normal peeps, a total bore.
Blondes like tall tales!!
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