Austin Snowman

Happy Holiday

Hearts will never be Practical

until they become unbreakable. 

I would have to say the same for french nail tips. I tried to peel them away on my own so I could practice strumming on my guitar. 

Big mistake.

My nails, the bits that are left, look like they went threw a wood chipper. I have tried soaking them in acetone, filing them with an emery board, and picking at them with my teeth to get them off. I have mutilated them down to nubs. 

Now I feel bad for all the times I was bored and put a piece of duck tape on the cat's paws to watch them spaz out.

Blonde just got hit with karmic retribution!

 

Sleeping with the enemy

I don’t know how Crack Cat does it but he pushes me to the side of the bed whenever he sleeps in my room. I wake up in the morning sleeping on 6” of edge while he is sprawled out in the middle with covers twisted around him.  I am lucky just to get a corner of the duvet to huddle under. Lately, I have just succumbed to wearing my fluffy robe to stay warm while I maintain a fetal position because the furry slumber natzi won’t let me move.

 I could sleep in a king sized and it would make no difference to Crack Cat. Even though there is an entirely other side to the bed not being utilized, he finds it more comfortable to nestle in between my legs and systematically move my body to less than a square foot of space against the headboard.

 I think he has been reading Tsun Su’s ‘Art of Bed Warfare’. Every move he makes comes directly from a zen masters teachings.  But what he has not learned is the fact that I possess powers far beyond that of those teaching.

AH-Ha...I have opposable thumbs that can open and close doors locking sleep snatching kitties out of my room.

Meow

Scratch, scratch, scratch

Meow

Scratch, scratch, scratch

Meow

Damn, student has surpassed Master.

 Blondes don't need bed bugs!!

Try the Cookie

I spent last night with my Mother making cookies. I got to roll out the dough with the wooden roller thing and place them on the cookie sheet.

 After staying up till 3 in the morning helping her, what is my thanks?

 Hhmm....

 Another murder attempt on my life perhaps?

 Of course, its right before Christmas. She needs to start eliminating family members off her Christmas shopping list so she can keep the money for herself.

 "Try my cookie"

 "I am not hungry"

 "No, go ahead try the cookie, just a little bite."

" I will try it later."

 "I just want to know how it tastes. Try just a bite"

 "Fine, which one?"

"Try the square ones I baked this morning."

I take a bite of a cookie. My Mom stands uncomfortably close to me and she is looking at me intently.

"How is it?"

"Its fine."

"Does it taste strange?"

"No. Why? What did you put in it?"

She starts laughing hysterically.

 "Mother what did you put in the cookie?!"

She doesn't stop laughing.

 "What is in the cookie, woman?!"

 

"Dad, your wife is trying to kill me, again!"

"Did she try to give you her special tea?"

"No, a cookie."

"She tried to give me one. I am on the Christmas list too."

After laughing for five minutes straight she finally answered. 

"Well, you know how I have that big bottle of vanilla extract. Well, it looks just like that new organic kitchen cleaner bottle."

"You fed me household cleaner?"

"Yes, but its organic. It shouldn't hurt you"

"Are you planning on serving the cookies?" 

"Well if they taste alright and you’re not dead in the morning, I don’t see why I can’t serve them."

 She must have a long shopping list. She is killing in bulk this year.

 Blondes should know better than eat sweets!