12.20.2008

Sleeping with the enemy

I don’t know how Crack Cat does it but he pushes me to the side of the bed whenever he sleeps in my room. I wake up in the morning sleeping on 6” of edge while he is sprawled out in the middle with covers twisted around him.  I am lucky just to get a corner of the duvet to huddle under. Lately, I have just succumbed to wearing my fluffy robe to stay warm while I maintain a fetal position because the furry slumber natzi won’t let me move.

 I could sleep in a king sized and it would make no difference to Crack Cat. Even though there is an entirely other side to the bed not being utilized, he finds it more comfortable to nestle in between my legs and systematically move my body to less than a square foot of space against the headboard.

 I think he has been reading Tsun Su’s ‘Art of Bed Warfare’. Every move he makes comes directly from a zen masters teachings.  But what he has not learned is the fact that I possess powers far beyond that of those teaching.

AH-Ha...I have opposable thumbs that can open and close doors locking sleep snatching kitties out of my room.

Meow

Scratch, scratch, scratch

Meow

Scratch, scratch, scratch

Meow

Damn, student has surpassed Master.


 Blondes don't need bed bugs!!





12.19.2008

Try the Cookie

I spent last night with my Mother making cookies. I got to roll out the dough with the wooden roller thing and place them on the cookie sheet.

 After staying up till 3 in the morning helping her, what is my thanks?

 Hhmm....

 Another murder attempt on my life perhaps?

 Of course, its right before Christmas. She needs to start eliminating family members off her Christmas shopping list so she can keep the money for herself.

 "Try my cookie"

 "I am not hungry"

 "No, go ahead try the cookie, just a little bite."

" I will try it later."

 "I just want to know how it tastes. Try just a bite"

 "Fine, which one?"

"Try the square ones I baked this morning."


I take a bite of a cookie. My Mom stands uncomfortably close to me and she is looking at me intently.

"How is it?"

"Its fine."

"Does it taste strange?"

"No. Why? What did you put in it?"

She starts laughing hysterically.

 "Mother what did you put in the cookie?!"

She doesn't stop laughing.

 "What is in the cookie, woman?!"

 

"Dad, your wife is trying to kill me, again!"

"Did she try to give you her special tea?"

"No, a cookie."

"She tried to give me one. I am on the Christmas list too."


After laughing for five minutes straight she finally answered. 

"Well, you know how I have that big bottle of vanilla extract. Well, it looks just like that new organic kitchen cleaner bottle."

"You fed me household cleaner?"

"Yes, but its organic. It shouldn't hurt you"

"Are you planning on serving the cookies?" 

"Well if they taste alright and you’re not dead in the morning, I don’t see why I can’t serve them."

 She must have a long shopping list. She is killing in bulk this year.


 Blondes should know better than eat sweets!


 

 

 

I Am Finding the Light












...to the dark side of life. Welcome to the Trail of Lights, Austin, TX.

The Blonde always finds a way to brighten things up!!

12.18.2008

Facing Demons

You know you its time to stop wallowing in self pity and get out of bed when you start seeing a dead warrior king in a wadded up t-shirt next to you.

The Blonde has an uphill battle!!

The Show Must Go On

Two Blondes attempting a knock, knock joke.

Knock, Knock?

Who's their?

Who?

Who, who?

Who, What?

What?

What?

Is the joke over?

When?

Now?

Now, what?

I don't know.


Blondes laugh in the face of adversity!!


12.16.2008

Security Please!

If you read my blog, you will remember how I had the misfortune of losing my wiper just as the sleet began to fall in D-town and I could not drive to Austin until it settled.  I had to park my bum at the Palomar Hotel in Dallas and wait out the storm.  What I failed to mention in that story was the crazy man that had to be removed by security on my behalf.

First let me begin my story by telling you that this hotel rocks. The price I paid through hotels.com is shameful, considering the gift this hut was. My room welcomed me with little hints of nature, tempting my soul into a peaceful venture with a goldfish, I named Lu, to keep me company.

I wanted to see the rest of the Hotel and so I expedited myself to their watering hole next to the lobby. I brought a book as a silent display that I was not in the market for suitors.  I ordered my wine and cocked my head in all directions to see what the designers had dreamed up. The entire hotel is a sanctuary filled with harmonic furniture and and an earth tone pallet of color.

I sunk my nose into my book, and then I hear over the sounds of crickets and birds, a voice that did not belong to my digital Mother Nature but a man...

Ughhh

"What you reading?"

I would have preferred to be a biatch but the soothing sounds and zen like atmosphere had me off my game and...

I was nice! 

I was being polite and conversing with him. He offered to buy me another glass of wine but I refused and said I would prefer to pay for my own since I don't think my boyfriend would care very much for another man purchasing my vino for me. He then asked where was my boyfriend. At that moment, just as the words began to spill from my tongue, I relized I gave this gent the opening he needed to bother me further.

I should have said, "He is in the room, napping."

But, OHHH NOOO!!

I had to be an idiot and tell him my boyfriend was still in Santa Fe.

Great, give them an inch and they take the whole ball field. He kept asking questions and I kept diverting them with a smile and burying my face in my book. I finished my wine and asked for my bill and this jerk kept insisting on paying. I kept saying no, placed my cash in the bartenders hand, and left immediately for my room.

I was annoyed and tired and my precious hotel sanctuary became a battling ground of unwanted advances that I had to duck. The idiot followed me out. I became nervous and went to the front desk and asked for an escort to my room. The guy became a little belligerent saying there was no need for me to do that. 

There was no need for you to follow me out of the bar!!

Clearly there was reason but he didn't see it. I left him to argue with the hotel clerk as I quickly escaped to my room with security by my side. 

Once settled in the room, I began to cry. I was already emotional from undisclosed events in Santa Fe and all I needed was one more thing to go wrong-and it did-and I unleashed my tears before the security had time to close the door. He consoled me and later brought up a glass of wine for me.

I settled in for the night safe and sound with Lu. Lu didn't say much, after all he is a goldfish, but he kept me company at a time when I felt so alone in such an insecure world.

Blondes need a better defense mechanism!!


Another Blonde Moment

brought to you by my  blonde baby sister, Babs.

Baby Sis calls every evening to kill the hour it takes her to get home from work. 
We were chatting about the faciast news channel, you know the one, when in mid sentence she stopped talking.

"Uh, Babs?!"

"Oh, sorry...I just stepped on the brakes and my brain stopped thinking."


Blondes are everywhere...Beware!!

Blondeconomy

Seeing as we are already headed in the direction of a socialist democracy after the purchase of banks and automobile dealers, I say the government should really go for the gusto and by up healthcare.

I went to the Doctor this morning to deal with asthma and ADD. By the time I was finished with an asthma treatment (since I refuse steroid inhalers) and the purchases at my pharma-mob regulated Wallgreens, I was seriously out of pocket.  They even demanded the leftover lint from the dryer. I assured them I was not packing lint, but they made me rabbit ear my pockets anyway.

I am one of those millions who don't have health insurance.  I can't afford insurance any more than I can afford  the ridiculous robbery of the pill pushing bullys on the block.

They are trying to freeze out the over-the-counter inhaler competitors by claiming Primatene mist contains ozone depleting properties. If it does, what the heck is it doing to my lungs?

As for the Adderall, at $660 for a 3 month supply, I will only be able to use two months supply and ear mark the rest to sell to college kids at 20 a pop for mental enhancement during finals to make back some of my funds.

Oh Crap!!

I just missed university finals by one week-its OK, though-I hear high school kids are rocking their cerebellum this week for their final exams. I will just hang out at the local Tasty Freeze down the street and wait for lunch time.  The extra cash from pill peddling will help pay for the hike in my over-the-counter allergy pills that jumped in price by $7 this past year. 

America!!

We are strung up by our ankles, dangling in front of the pharma society as they thwack us with their money hungry bats like we were human pinatas stuffed with cash.

I don't mean to get on my high horse about this, but I have a clearer view sitting up here and I don't want to mess up my Frye boots wallowing in the pharma culture dung that is piling up around us.

The Blonde needs a healthy agenda!!