1.08.2009

Bouncing Back

I finally got up, double dose my Claritin, turned off the tube, plugged in my tune box for some swing jazz to get the blood pumping through my pathetic self and headed straight to the ladies maintenance shed for a beauty tune up.

And then I called on a date for tonight.

I refuse to deal with allergies anymore. Griping about it won't make them go away, however,
going on a date with someone who can fly me to any destination that doesn't have cedar trees will.

Finding a solution to a problem is far more productive than complaining about it. I know everyone needs a little grief time, but after awhile you have to say enough is enough, get up and fix it whether it be allergies, work, relationships, or the electronic can opener that always squirts the tuna juice everywhere when you try to unhook the can.



Blondes jump at the chance to travel!!

Sick Thoughts

I have been trying desperately to float my mind out of the pool of phlegm its been drowning in for the last week.

My vocal chords are resonating the sounds of Elmer Fudd's voice.

I only have use of one nostril at a time.

My body is so loaded with sinus and allergy meds that I am drying out to a prunish existence.

I have been too foggy to write, to transfer money, to pay bills, and attend to my social life which is teetering on the borderline of extinction.

I would write more but unfortunately this is all I have to give today.

The Blonde is not feeling well!!

1.06.2009

Twinkle, Twinkle

little star,
How I wonder what you are!
Up above the world so high,
Like a diamond in the sky!

Little girls in ponytails,
dreaming of fairy tales,

and happily ever after endings.


The pigtails are long gone but not the dreams of being someone's Princess. Women have grown up on the fantasy of Prince Charming and the obstacles we must face in order to have him.


Cinderella had to get to a ball,
Sleeping Beauty had to learn to spin yarn,
and Snow White needed to tan her fair skin.

and then Prince Charming would come and rescue them and they would live happily ever after.

Right?

Wrong!!

Like the Lost gospel of Judas, Disney hid the truth of the real fairy tales under reels and reels of the modified versions, their cover up was only recently discovered, exposing the truth behind the torrid world of fairy tales.

The Lost Ending ( edited for quick copy; original to be out in hardback):

Cinderella learned about Snow, Snow learned about Sleeping, and Sleeping learned about Cinderella. They all got together and over a bottle or two of wine they discussed their revenge. For the Prince would be tricked into drinking a potion that would turn him into a toad. Unfortunately, do to their slight inebriation and miscalculations of some of the ingredients, the Prince was turned into a talking frog.

Alas, the Prince, still armed with his voice, charmed his way into a kiss from an unsuspecting young lady and soon was back to his old ways of philandering across fairy tales.


The truth behind the tale is always entertaining but even far more enlightening.


Blondes
reach for the stars!!

1.03.2009

Death by Tree

Cedar and a decaying Spruce has my face and eyes burning with an intensity you could only achieve by rubbing habenero pepper seeds on one's skin.

And why would anyone want to rub peppers on their skin?

Exactly!!

For over a decade, I have had the distinct displeasure of suffering through the reign of terror of the male cedar tree sperm fest.

Upon immediate inhalation of the invisible pollination jizz causes a brain fog that sets in and dismantles my thought receptors. My body goes into lethargic mode, all except nose and eyes which go into hyperactive drain mode.

So why do I feel the need to add to my misery by suffering at my parents house, during the holidays and the annual drying out of the Christmas tree?

I have no idea.

I must be a sucker for punishment. I swear the tree is burning my skin to twice the normal levels that cedar trees can achieve, but my Father refuses to listen.

He loves his tree. Its not his tree that is causing the allergies. The tree stays until Monday. I can go but the tree stays! Meanwhile, I am floating around the house in a daze mumbling under my breath that the dying spruce is killing me.

To make matters worse, my Mother is spraying the tree with her concoction of lavender and green organic cleaner which she insists will help me.

What doesn't kill me will make me stronger!

The survival training I have received from both parents this holiday has given me the necessary techniques needed to live through a terrorist attack. I can snort anthrax like it was nose sugar, drink poison like it was sumptuous wine, and walk through a bomb like it was a spa mist room.

Blondes are a tough kill!!

1.01.2009

The Meaning of New Years

We will write the wrong year on our checks for the next month and a half

Twice as many people will be working out in a sad attempt to achieve the top spot of resolutions

Department stores will log a significantly large number of returned bad present choices

Christmas tree carcasses will line neighborhood driveways until trash day

Scraggly old poinsettias will linger long after their expiration because of the pretty foil and ribbon

DWI lawyers will have an excess of clients to pacify

Credit card companies will hit the lottery on late fees

Novelty hats and tooters will collect dust until Valentines Days

and the maggly meated bone of the spiral ham will finally be tossed out


Welcome to 2009, where everything is new and nothing has changed!!


T