My Mother is Trying to Kill Me


Her chosen weapon this time is a mop and her newest concoction for cleaning the floors.

Lavender, which I am highly allergic too (if your remember she gave me lavender tea in the last attempt) is supposedly anti-bacterial. She read a blip in a paper somewhere about this handy 'green clean' and now the house floors are being doused with a healthy dose of lavender oil mixed with some other environment friendly detergent.

My throat is closing up...

My eyes are getting blurry...

I can't breathe...

Blondes need fresh air!!!

Rednecks and Roadkill

are driving me mad!!!

First of all, there are more than one Maudie's around town. You don't have to eat at mine. Find one in your area!!

I don't want rednecks mucking up my good living.

I don't need to hear one more comment from some fat husband with his fat wife say something about me or my fashion choices!!

You who understand little more than dungarees and flip flops need to hide your ignorance and stay in your neck of the woods.

And another thing!!

While you are driving in my part of town, I would appreciate a little common decency when it comes to respecting deer and other animals that cross the road. Is it so hard for you to wait 2 minutes to make sure all the deer have crossed instead of barreling through them, like the pins at your bowling ally, in your obnoxious Ford Excursion.

Keep your beer gutting, gas guzzling, style lacking, country backward thinking, global warming, roadkill accumulating arse holes on your side of town!!!!!

And that goes for the men, too!!!

Blondes want a brake for animals!!


There was a debate Last Night?




Blondes don't follow!!


OK, so I found crack cat and I have to say the reverse mohawk does look silly. I would be embarrassed, too. I guess some things really should be left to a professional.

Live and learn!

I guess Crack Cat was trying to hide his hairless predicament from his posse and went underneath the poolside decking and couldn't get back out.

We looked for him for 2 days. You think he would be hungry enough to cry multiple times and to everyone who was calling him...but NO.

He wouldn't answer me!

Still holding a chip on his shoulder!!

The other cats were awfully quiet yesterday accept for some chuckling from Sophie but that could have been gas; she scarfed down a twinkie she found in the bottom cabinet where there cat food is kept. When asked if they had seen Crack cat...all of them kept a poker face. Something is up. They may have tried to bury Crack cat alive.

This is still under investigation!

Around midnight, we heard a faint cry and rushed to the pool to find Crack cat stuck under the deck. We had to tear up a couple of planks to free the dumb pratt from his shallow grave.

He refused to look at me and promptly went upstairs to the garage to pee.

Yes folks, my gay crack head cat refused to pee outside of his litter box. He couldn't possibly bring himself to pee on the dirt, underneath the deck, where he got stuck no matter how many days he was holding it. The prima donna couldn't chance peeing on himself and the little bit of fur he has left on his belly.

This morning he still refuses to look at me!

I don't think he will let me remedy the situation with a poochie sweater.

The snickering from the other cats and myself have died down. Now the task of figuring out which one was responsible for trying to bury Crack cat alive, is on way.

Someone is paying for the deck with a tail!

Blondes hate bad haircuts!!


Crack Heads Hate Bathing

...and my cat is no different.

After trying to intervene in my cat's nip use, I gave him a bath and shaved off his druggie knotted hair, after he frolicked in dirt and Gah knows what all night long.

You think he would be grateful for the buzz cut...less to lick!


Oh....wait a minute.

Oh, now I got it!

Less to lick!

He is a male cat!

He likes to lick!!

He is mad at me!!

He is punishing me!!

Come on Crack Cat...come home!!


Please, Come!

Come, home!!

Blondes don't lick pussy. We don't understand!!!


I am not a Player

I love men that clearly state what they aren't on internet dating sites. It makes it easier for me to know exactly what they are.

I am not a player!!, he states.

Of course you aren't darling.

Your just relationship challenged.

And, I am not a real Blonde!!

I am actually a brunette who bleaches her hair killing any brain cells that allows me to filter out bull dung!!

I love men and their dungess!!

They can drive a thriving business with a brain fart, but they can't maneauver a simple curve in the road of personal life without driving into a ditch playing with a dumb stick that shifts into high gear with a drop of blood.

Maybe the cure for a dumb Blonde is a shot of the little chrimson to the cerebellum!!

Blondes don't rubberneck an accident waiting to happen!!

Blonde Moments 293 and 301

Blonde Moment 293

I am on the plane this morning trying to buckle in. The buckle was stuck over a screw down in the seat. I kept tugging apparently a little too close to the guy next to me. After innocently fondling his outer thigh a few times in attempt to get my seat buckle, he kindly removed his Ipod bud from his ear, reached down and grabbed the other end of the belt that was not stuck to the screw.

The other end had the buckle!!

Blonde Moment 301

When getting a 'to go' cup of coffee, I always forget to push back the lid part that covers the sipping hole. After several attempts of looking like a blind fool trying to figure out why the coffee wasn't pouring into my mouth, a kind gentleman said...

"You might want to flip the cover back, makes it easier to drink"

Blondes can't hide their blind spots!!


700 Billion Dollars

...should include a little something, something for the Blonde!!

I may not be able to cure the economy but after the party, you will be too hungover and too satisfied to care!!

AirForce One with a Bush Bobblehead saying,
"This way to the party" ...$190 million

Constitutional Sized Margarita machines ...$40 million

Congressional Wiggle Jello Shots..$10 million

Bipartisan DJ's ...$25 million

Giant Strobe Light from NASA ...$435 million

Not remembering where we left the economy...priceless!!

Blondes don't like to bail!!