8.18.2008

Boudoir Bliss

Blondes can get carried away and spend almost the entire morning playing in the powder room.On a day I don’t have anything particular to do and I am a million miles from civilization, like this weekend at my friend’s lakeside hacienda, I will pop a bottle of bubbly and soak in the tub and then preform a little mini spa treatment on myself, then slip into a cute little matching panty set and frolic around the place while listening to Madelaine Peyroux and Billy Holiday.

Unfortunately when spending time in several homes, you forget to pack certain essential items for survival, of which without; I wouldn’t die but I would be very, very unhappy.

First and most important is conditioner. I had travel conditioner but the over zealous guard at the gate on my Chicago trip took it as he was giving me a lecture on the importance of my containers being in a tacky plastic ziploc, instead of my Pucci makeup bag--Commie-- and no more than 3.5 oz. I PERSONALLY ignore any rule I deem utterly ridiculous and usually I skate through fine but on occasion, you get the prick that needs to pull some machismo.

Whatever dude! If I could buy my conditioner in the 3.5 oz. size, I would be happy to accommodate you but it doesn’t and I prefer to accommodate me! Don’t you see my 3 oz cans of crappy hairspray? At least I tried to obey some of the rules. He took my expensive conditioner and let me keep the spray.

"Do you get a commission?"

"What did you say?"

I said, "make sure to condition!"

I can keep the large medicinal items such as face cleanser and saline. He made no sense and was beginning to aggravate me but I just kept smiling all the time thinking to myself, “Its embarrassing when idiots try to show off something they don't have, like intelligence!”

For a blonde, conditioner is medicinal, you dumn pratt!

What did you say?

I said, I guess “That’s that.”

Next on my list of most important of items to complete my happiness is the elusive thin hair towel. I get whiplash just trying to keep the thick beach sized towel wrapped around my tresses. You have to balance the heap of terry exactly in the middle of your head while applying your make up. The sheer weight of the towel gives you neck strain. Then it begins to slowly shift to the left and you cock your head trying to keep it up long enough to finish the other eye. Eventually the towel unwinds and you have to tip your body back over, rewrap, and swing back in a forceful thrust sort of motion to keep the twist tight and then needing a chiropractic adjustment after the whole ordeal.

Eventually it becomes a burden to heavy to bear and I drop the biatch towel to the floor and settle on wet hair dribbling down my back. Long hair is a maintenance program all on its own. Its probably why many women prefer a no fuss short style effort but hair is sexy and I would feel naked without it.

The rest of the list that my bubble brain couldn’t get in the freaking bag when packing:

Micro scrubbie body sponge
Razor
Q-tips

How does anyone live without the proverbial tip after a shower? Mind boggling how good it feels to swab the inner ear. It feels so good, I could go blind doing it too often!!


Blondes have shopping to do!!

8.15.2008

Blondies Bi!!

I met this guy at a party ...I wasn't sure if he was metrosexual or gay and quite frankly how do you ask a question like that without offending..I was thrown about because had I met him in New York or L.A... I wouldn't have given his attire a second thought but in Texas...you can end up scaring the cows wearing a pink tie and zute suit.


To soften the blow the blow of my question, I asked if he was bi..I retired from fag hag status a couple of years ago, after finishing fashion design, and I have lost my gaydar capabilities..you kind of have to have a gay man around to keep you tuned and ...well....I'm not tuned.

Anyhooo....

I think he had to make a point he was not gay!

Fine your not gay!

He could be bi...further investigation as to the synergy of the relationship would be imperative to offer substantial evidence to the contrary but at this point in time I feel the subject must be redirected to other sources...

Why?

I hurried through the test phase (first date) and ended up with results with little data to fill in the blanks and quite frankly..

You can't have a meaningful love affair with blanks!!

More importantly, I don't compete against men!


Blondes are one sided on certain things!!

Creepy Creative




I think she is a pretty little girl but should she really be making casseroles for grown men on Match.com?


Blondes don't have cooking skills!

8.13.2008

Borrowed from another Blog


http://view.break.com/527579 - Watch more free videos


Sorry I have to let someone do my dirty work this week but I am still on holiday!!


The Blonde is speechless, for now!!

Emergency Blondcast System


This has been a holiday. For the last four days and today
, this blog will conduct a test of the Emergency Blondcast System. This is only a test.

If this had been an actual emergency, you would have been instructed to turn to one of the bars in your area.


The Blonde will resume broadcast by the end of the day!!!

8.06.2008

The Payment Plan

My position on dutch treat stands.

Men don't go through half the preparation we go through for a date.

Hair
Nails
Wax
Cute matching panty set

The least they can do is buy the dinner!

Blondes like a well balance budget!!

8.05.2008

Drinks are on the house...

when I am on a date and so is dinner and anything else I want to do!!

There was an idiot from the other night who actually waited for me to grab my wallet and pay half the tab.

"Oops my Blonde. I forgot my wallet of plastic. Will you except a check for my half?"


Sorry kid, the Majors decided your not right for the League!


I don't pay!

I don't think I have to pay!

I won't pay!

Seriously,

Who told you a Blonde should pay?

The girls that insist on paying there way?


A word to my not so non-fellow neo-feminazis trying to ruin a good thing...

What do you accomplish by paying your way?

You don't honestly think that if the man pays for dinner you owe him sex do you?


Why do you insist on paying or get insulted if they try to open the door.

What are you?


Why don't you pay for a penis and date girls?

Than you can pay all the time and never have doors opened for you.


AND ANOTHER THING!!

Where in the alien world of dog do you think the chick should pay her way to come see a man?

Dude dig in that bendable leather bank inside your back butt pocket and log online to Delta Blu and either book your flight to me or book my flight to you.

Otherwise stay local with your dating d'jour.

or get the girl with the penis...they love to pay for their share!



Blondes make the men pay!!

8.04.2008

Match.com is not a legitimate...

health expense?

Really?

The insurance company is questioning the use of my HSA fund in regards to Match.com.

On the line of which I am to provide my illness:

I wrote

love sick

Am I supposed to have a broken heart before they will pay out?!



Blondes like a preventive approach!

Alright, so I am not a tree

I am more the variety of social butterfly that after a months worth of flying from dinner to dinner with gents is in serious need of a little R&R and definitely ready for just one man. I really am beginning to miss sex and without a steady, I am SOL.

and I hate being S.O.L.

and last nights battery shortage did not help!!

Its a mission that I hope to wrap up fairly quickly because now I am just a bit tired of being charming and romantic and witty and having perfect hair for every man that sits across my table.

And than it hit me like a bug to my windshield!

I am charming

and witty

and incredibly engaging

and I have perfect hair (I have great just rolled out of bed hair too!!).

I should get more than a dinner and a drink from all this work!

I am going to be a trade show model!

How hard can it be hosting a big bash of men all day, and yes I know, some of the ladies too. Although I am not a fan of women in general, I do well with them on a public, stay an arms distance away, kind of level.


Why not work the trade shows as a model? At least until my manuscripts are complete. This job would open up a lot more free time, I would be mobile, it pays ridiculously well for the work, and I have accumulated enough experience just by being who I have always been.

If you think about it, dating is nothing more than selling yourself. For the most part we are the product: our character, our personality,our intellect our looks. You are basically pitching yourself every time you go out with someone new.

Now, I assume there will be some element of reputation control at these events, after all, it is a modeling job--your already considered stupid before you hit the catwalk. I am one step below the chick who turns the big plastic letters on TV. But I assure you, my reputation has never wavered. Even in college, my panties never found there way to the walls of shame at certain fraternities down the block. And even if I get slack for being a brainless model, whatever!
Its not like any guy who goes to these events will impress me anyway!!

Most of these men, which I have had the misfortune of running into at Eddie V's during certain conventions here in Austin ( its so typical they would choose the expensive steak house on their boss' dime) act like debaucherous fools without proper etiquette. There like school boys who have seen there first breast, pointing and making comment to friends about girls that just walk by the table in a short dress. Its the equivalent of walking by construction workers in New York City and getting whistled at only worse because they are in MY 4 star gig with their 2 star manners.


What the hell? I will troll Myspace for a budding photographer to keep the cost of head shots down and put together a resume of work from private parties and corporate charity events I hosted on a regular basis with a few of my Ex's and I am good to go.


Blondes like skipping on stepping stones!!

8.01.2008

Blonde Godess

Apollo and Daphne begins with the God of love Eros (Cupid).

My thoughts of being Blonde at the moment:

Daphne wanted nothing to do with men, male Gods, or sexual desire, or marriage. Apollo used all his arts to woo her but she ran away whenever she saw him.
He pretended to be a mortal man but than revealed himself as a God. Nothing he said made a difference.

During the chase, Daphne ran down hill toward the river Peneus.
She stopped and knelled at the river and begged...

"Help me father! If you have any powers as a river god, use them now to save me for ever!"

At that moment, her feet welded to the soil, her body became thinner, her skin grew a layer of bark, her arms became branches, her fingers became leaves, and she became the laurel tree.


And trees don't answer the phone!!



The Blonde is being still this weekend!

The writings on the wall


Get your mind out of the gutter!!


The Blonde wants a pair in pink!!

Existentially Speaking

What does it say about me that Jesus dropped to the floor right behind me.

I was at the mean-Eyed Cat, minding my own business, listening to Johnny Cash singing, 'I will wait for you' on the jukebox. I was singing along to him in my head with not a thought on my mind when suddenly something right behind my head came crashing to the floor.

The other patrons and I all looked at the glass piece on the floor. I got up from my rickety old stool and picked up the pane. I turned it over and glanced at it.

Jesus!!

Everyone looked.

"Its a picture of Jesus that fell to the floor and its cracked!", I exclaimed.

The gentleman to my left said," If that isn't a sign to stay away from you, I don't know what is."

Haha

I said, "Imagine!! you get 7 years for a broken mirror. How many years will I receive for breaking Jesus?"

I handed over the glass to the bartender and went back to listening to the juke which was now playing a Willy Nelson song.
I sat and wondered for a moment thinking about the 'sign'and then all of the sudden... a pair of panties stapled on the wall above the juke caught my attention, "Eat the Kitty" the panties had stamped on them.

I laughed.


I took a photo of the underwear and inquired about a pair but they were all out of small. Only large was left. Should they even make a pair in large?

The thought of the fallen Jesus quickly diminished.

Still, now I can't help but wonder?

Maybe Johnny and Jesus were speaking to me at that moment. I wish I knew what was on their mind. Probably the same thing as mine. I just was too deep in thought to think about it!!


Blondes like signs that say something!!