I understand the handsomely challenged have a slight disadvantage compared to those better looking gents on the market today, so its understandable they are going to pony up a few fantasy images of their life to impress a young lady.
I am currently being pursued by a super secret agent, laying low undercover as a short, fat, bald liquor store owner who has a private residence at the Four Seasons, a Leer jet at his disposal, and 84 acres of lake frontage, with a boat.
Oh, did I mention, his wife died 8 years ago and he has a Nanny, and a personal physician on call for his daughter.
If you have sooo much money, why are you working the counter at your liquor store?
Hhmmm
Oh, that's right..super secret agent!!
Undercover!!
Mums the word.
I promise.
What girl wouldn't want to dive right in after being pursued by such wealth and intrigue, throw her clothes off, turn out the lights, cover the shades, put a paper bag over her head after consuming a quart of liquor and get up all in the rich dudes fugly face.
Its a dream come true for many girls!!
Except Blondes
We don't do Mini-Me's!!
You know what the number one problem for secret agents who share their identity with a Blonde, that has the curiosity of a one-eyed caterpillar and a lot of time to kill at work, is?
We find out your real identity, yank you off the ride at Fantasyland, cuz you lied your way in and then...
Put you on a bus back to Neveragainland suburbia!!
Blonde doesn't mean Bimbo!!
6.13.2008
6.12.2008
Ying for Yang
Steak and potato chomping Republicans can now have their green cake and eat it too!!
GMC has come out with a Yukon hybrid that shadows over hummus and tabouli packing liberals Prius's like an eclipse gone wild. The new toddler on the block, wearing his new big boy panties with leak protection, will beat the tiny Toyota tot on the playground with an extra hundred dollars in gas savings.
I love big things(accept my dress size), always have and always will. Cars are no exception to the rule. If I had my way I would be tooling around town in a '53 Mercury gas guzzling rag-top every day. Its nice to know I, being one who swings both ways politically, can buy a hybrid in my size!!
But I can't help but think is the Yukon like having a boyfriend on steroids?
All gusto but no go!!
Sure he look big and fabulous on the outside but do I really want something that drives for a really, really long time with no thrust and sounds like a hummingbird?!
Can being green be manly enough one day for a Bubba and a Blonde?
Blondes dig anything with eco-bravado!!
GMC has come out with a Yukon hybrid that shadows over hummus and tabouli packing liberals Prius's like an eclipse gone wild. The new toddler on the block, wearing his new big boy panties with leak protection, will beat the tiny Toyota tot on the playground with an extra hundred dollars in gas savings.
I love big things(accept my dress size), always have and always will. Cars are no exception to the rule. If I had my way I would be tooling around town in a '53 Mercury gas guzzling rag-top every day. Its nice to know I, being one who swings both ways politically, can buy a hybrid in my size!!
But I can't help but think is the Yukon like having a boyfriend on steroids?
All gusto but no go!!
Sure he look big and fabulous on the outside but do I really want something that drives for a really, really long time with no thrust and sounds like a hummingbird?!
Can being green be manly enough one day for a Bubba and a Blonde?
Blondes dig anything with eco-bravado!!
6.11.2008
No Pussy Allowed
Keeping cats off your furniture and your fresh laundry is like asking the pope to keep priests off the pulpit boys.
I have always found a water pistol my best friend when it came to teaching my babies that claws on Mummy’s new Italian leather sofa was a big No-No and could end up in having their fur and tails stripped from their bodies as punishment for such a crime.
Of course threats don't work with cats because they don't care what you want. They care what they want!
Now having joined ranks with a cool group of rag top owners a new problem has emerged. Miss Sophie and her 18 pounds of Twinkie defying acrobats has put a cat butt divot in my convertible top; and this we absolutely can not have!!
For Gah sakes she is puckering the top in. I think I have to kill her. I can’t give her away no one will have her. She eats the equivalent of three times her morbidly obese kitty cat poundage in canned food and she isn’t picky to her plate. She will eat as fast as she can and than move over to the other cat’s plates. Unleash her in an all you can eat buffet and she would bankrupt the eatery.
I thought keeping the top soaked with water would deter my little trailer park beauty feline queen…nope…I walk out to see a mash of white and pink fur all over my freshly washed top.
Seeing as I can’t be there to squirt her with my water pistol every time she warps my world, I have decided to take her to the spa and have her fur waxed off, tail chopped, and stomach sucked in to solve the problem. I don’t know, maybe to really teach her its not nice to ruin Mummy’s things, I will get her lips injected and put her in a beauty pageant in Beaumont.
I think she might actually have a chance of winning.
Blondes think beauty pageants are a crime!!
I have always found a water pistol my best friend when it came to teaching my babies that claws on Mummy’s new Italian leather sofa was a big No-No and could end up in having their fur and tails stripped from their bodies as punishment for such a crime.
Of course threats don't work with cats because they don't care what you want. They care what they want!
Now having joined ranks with a cool group of rag top owners a new problem has emerged. Miss Sophie and her 18 pounds of Twinkie defying acrobats has put a cat butt divot in my convertible top; and this we absolutely can not have!!
For Gah sakes she is puckering the top in. I think I have to kill her. I can’t give her away no one will have her. She eats the equivalent of three times her morbidly obese kitty cat poundage in canned food and she isn’t picky to her plate. She will eat as fast as she can and than move over to the other cat’s plates. Unleash her in an all you can eat buffet and she would bankrupt the eatery.
I thought keeping the top soaked with water would deter my little trailer park beauty feline queen…nope…I walk out to see a mash of white and pink fur all over my freshly washed top.
Seeing as I can’t be there to squirt her with my water pistol every time she warps my world, I have decided to take her to the spa and have her fur waxed off, tail chopped, and stomach sucked in to solve the problem. I don’t know, maybe to really teach her its not nice to ruin Mummy’s things, I will get her lips injected and put her in a beauty pageant in Beaumont.
I think she might actually have a chance of winning.
Blondes think beauty pageants are a crime!!
Falling for my Boss
It has been an incredible week of blondeness and I was hoping it was over but unfortunately we still have until Friday.
We had an investors meeting this morning and I was sitting at my desk which is opposite the glass windows of the conference room. We have maybe one or two meetings a month and rarely this many people, but its a new project.
Anyhoo,
Being that I was bored at work and super surfed the internet highway all week, I changed my mouse to the left side of my desk to use the other hand, just because. The cable was stretched from top left of the desk to lower right attached to the pc tower. I was kicking my feet under the desk as I was moping around Myspace for new music and didn't realize the mouse cable had wrapped itself around the heel of my shoe.
Needless to say, I tried to get up for coffee and I tripped...
In slow motion!
My arms spread with eagle like wings trying to catch my balance.
My leg up in the air shaking violently to get the cord out from the heel...
Boom!!
Right
in
front
of
everyone!!
I, not so elegantly picked myself up, shook my head, dusted my pants, and before I could stop my mouth from connecting to my brain, I yelped.
"Fu--k!!"
I am fairly certain we had a room full of lip readers because when I finally did make eye contact with a few of them, there jaws had dropped half way down their big round bellies and they looked away quicker than a rabbit being chased by a snake.
C'est La Via!!
Blondes hate falling for ugly rich dudes!!
We had an investors meeting this morning and I was sitting at my desk which is opposite the glass windows of the conference room. We have maybe one or two meetings a month and rarely this many people, but its a new project.
Anyhoo,
Being that I was bored at work and super surfed the internet highway all week, I changed my mouse to the left side of my desk to use the other hand, just because. The cable was stretched from top left of the desk to lower right attached to the pc tower. I was kicking my feet under the desk as I was moping around Myspace for new music and didn't realize the mouse cable had wrapped itself around the heel of my shoe.
Needless to say, I tried to get up for coffee and I tripped...
In slow motion!
My arms spread with eagle like wings trying to catch my balance.
My leg up in the air shaking violently to get the cord out from the heel...
Boom!!
Right
in
front
of
everyone!!
I, not so elegantly picked myself up, shook my head, dusted my pants, and before I could stop my mouth from connecting to my brain, I yelped.
"Fu--k!!"
I am fairly certain we had a room full of lip readers because when I finally did make eye contact with a few of them, there jaws had dropped half way down their big round bellies and they looked away quicker than a rabbit being chased by a snake.
C'est La Via!!
Blondes hate falling for ugly rich dudes!!
Two Bits
makes a mean casserole?
She doesn't look old enough to be in the kitchen alone. I am speaking of the girl with the flower in her hair when you sign in at Match.com. She can't possibly be older than 14. Who are they advertising to, pedophiles? Of course after seeing some of those that winked at me....
Hhmmmmm
Another thing, I am sure I am not the only one who has noticed the ads for match.com as you log on to your Myspace account. Who are they supposedly looking at? It's too stupid.
Its guys sitting in front of there computer...
looking in the webcam
not talking
not typing
not doing anything but grinning and moving their stupid head around being stupid.
GEEZ!!
A retarded goat could come up with better advertising.
I must give Match.com credit for one thing. Making their ads as creepy as most of the peeps on their site is pure genius. Really lets you know who is out there...can you have one with a wedding ring and maybe a wife cooking eggs in the background of the ad. Or how about showing them scratching their leg underneath the home arrest device on their ankle.
My Match score card to date:
Non-membership profile up for 1 week
521 views I can't see
34 emails that I can't retrieve
27 winks with only 5 were cute
and one guy I like.
Match does open doors, I will give them that, you just have to be careful which one you walk through. I heard it said somewhere that dating is just breaking up until you find the right one. I kind of like that statement.
Besides what other option do you have? Its not like your frenemies are writing your phone number with a sharpie on the mens bathroom walls anymore.
Its a new world with new ways to find love!!
Blondes are happy with her odds!!
She doesn't look old enough to be in the kitchen alone. I am speaking of the girl with the flower in her hair when you sign in at Match.com. She can't possibly be older than 14. Who are they advertising to, pedophiles? Of course after seeing some of those that winked at me....
Hhmmmmm
Another thing, I am sure I am not the only one who has noticed the ads for match.com as you log on to your Myspace account. Who are they supposedly looking at? It's too stupid.
Its guys sitting in front of there computer...
looking in the webcam
not talking
not typing
not doing anything but grinning and moving their stupid head around being stupid.
GEEZ!!
A retarded goat could come up with better advertising.
I must give Match.com credit for one thing. Making their ads as creepy as most of the peeps on their site is pure genius. Really lets you know who is out there...can you have one with a wedding ring and maybe a wife cooking eggs in the background of the ad. Or how about showing them scratching their leg underneath the home arrest device on their ankle.
My Match score card to date:
Non-membership profile up for 1 week
521 views I can't see
34 emails that I can't retrieve
27 winks with only 5 were cute
and one guy I like.
Match does open doors, I will give them that, you just have to be careful which one you walk through. I heard it said somewhere that dating is just breaking up until you find the right one. I kind of like that statement.
Besides what other option do you have? Its not like your frenemies are writing your phone number with a sharpie on the mens bathroom walls anymore.
Its a new world with new ways to find love!!
Blondes are happy with her odds!!
6.10.2008
Body Parts
I needed a part for my Jaguar. After 6 auto part stores telling me the piece would have to be special ordered, I was getting very frustrated because I needed the part now. The guy at the sixth store asked me, "Does the Jaguar dealership not have one in stock?"
"Huh?!"
"The Jaguar dealership sells parts?!!"
So I tucked my blonde tail in between my legs and went to the dealership.
Hhmmmm
Now I wonder where can I get my hands on SAAB parts.
Blonde really need to work on thought process!!
"Huh?!"
"The Jaguar dealership sells parts?!!"
So I tucked my blonde tail in between my legs and went to the dealership.
Hhmmmm
Now I wonder where can I get my hands on SAAB parts.
Blonde really need to work on thought process!!
Big Toys
...go hand in hand with big boys!!
Range Rovers are cool but a gigantic Excursion with a lift kit is sooo much cooler!!
I like Range Rovers...I know lots of non-descript boringly successful people who drive them. I have actually been on a date with some of them.
All I can shout out is...
THERE IS NOTHING BETTER than a really fun guy who is confident enough with himself that he not only doesn't feel it necessary to follow the status quo but he can roll over them like they were pebbles in the street!!
I like being in a truck that can squash a Hummer like it was a bug on a windshield!!
I can't imagine anything more fun than pulling up to the front of Jeffreys and having to hop out in my little Bebe dress and heels making a grand entrance with this beast.
Getting on this thing and riding it...
Mmmmm, Mmmmm, Mmmmm
and the truck rides just as well!!
Anyhoo,
Blondies like great big dates!!
Range Rovers are cool but a gigantic Excursion with a lift kit is sooo much cooler!!
I like Range Rovers...I know lots of non-descript boringly successful people who drive them. I have actually been on a date with some of them.
All I can shout out is...
THERE IS NOTHING BETTER than a really fun guy who is confident enough with himself that he not only doesn't feel it necessary to follow the status quo but he can roll over them like they were pebbles in the street!!
I like being in a truck that can squash a Hummer like it was a bug on a windshield!!
I can't imagine anything more fun than pulling up to the front of Jeffreys and having to hop out in my little Bebe dress and heels making a grand entrance with this beast.
Getting on this thing and riding it...
Mmmmm, Mmmmm, Mmmmm
and the truck rides just as well!!
Anyhoo,
Blondies like great big dates!!
6.09.2008
Minke or Mammals?
Its between the Minke whales and the Nova Scotia mammals!!
Seeing as I can't join the U.S. Coast Guard and the Swedes at Greenpeace won't let me on their ship, I have decided to help out the Kanuks. They need volunteers to watch the effects of global warming on the mammals. A week or two of observation with a bit of monetary contribution and I get to leave my blonde spec on this planet knowing I did a little something, something to help better this place for future generations.
I want to show Mama Earth some love before I am buried beneath her dirt.
Don't you?!
Check out www.volunteerabroad.com
Blondes love where they live!!
Blonde Moment 397
I have a problem with night blindness. It happens around dusk, things just look different to me.
Take for instance last night around 7 at the lake.
I was leaving the marina and on the shoreline are all these ducks and one crazy large bullfrog. It was the same size as the ducks!!
I probably was a 100ft away from the ducks and the gigantic frog.
I stare at it. I stare again to get a good look at it.
The frog moves!
It's not a Frog!! Its a giant lizard.
I squint
I see its a large lizard!!
With a fish in its mouth!
I start pointing at it and telling people to look at the large lizard with the fish in its mouth.
Everyone is looking
No one can see the enormous Iguana with the fish!!
I point
I scream, "Its next to the other ducks!"
The crowd can't see it!
I point again
"There, right there!!"
Then all of the sudden...
the iguana moves
UH
OHhhhhh
Its not a frog
Its not a lizard
and its definitely not a giant iguuana with a fish in its mouth
It was a duck butt!!
Yep!!
The butt of a duck!!
I wish I could blame my hallucination on some mind altering pill but unfortunately its just a blonde brain and night vision problems that thought the ass of a duck was the head of a lizard.
...and I had to share this moment to everyone like I was a 5 year old at the zoo pointing at a cage and telling everyone to look. Only when a grown girl points to an elephant and says look at the donkey, its not as cute.
Blondes can be really blind!!
Take for instance last night around 7 at the lake.
I was leaving the marina and on the shoreline are all these ducks and one crazy large bullfrog. It was the same size as the ducks!!
I probably was a 100ft away from the ducks and the gigantic frog.
I stare at it. I stare again to get a good look at it.
The frog moves!
It's not a Frog!! Its a giant lizard.
I squint
I see its a large lizard!!
With a fish in its mouth!
I start pointing at it and telling people to look at the large lizard with the fish in its mouth.
Everyone is looking
No one can see the enormous Iguana with the fish!!
I point
I scream, "Its next to the other ducks!"
The crowd can't see it!
I point again
"There, right there!!"
Then all of the sudden...
the iguana moves
UH
OHhhhhh
Its not a frog
Its not a lizard
and its definitely not a giant iguuana with a fish in its mouth
It was a duck butt!!
Yep!!
The butt of a duck!!
I wish I could blame my hallucination on some mind altering pill but unfortunately its just a blonde brain and night vision problems that thought the ass of a duck was the head of a lizard.
...and I had to share this moment to everyone like I was a 5 year old at the zoo pointing at a cage and telling everyone to look. Only when a grown girl points to an elephant and says look at the donkey, its not as cute.
Blondes can be really blind!!
6.06.2008
Blinded by Blonde Moment Bus Tour 2008
First stop on the blonde's bus tour:
I forgot the cat was in the house until I woke up to the sounds of a heaving feline upchucking all over my duvet.
Next stop on Blondie's bus:
I was excited to wear my new dress from Paris but after looking for 20 minutes in my closet, I remembered I left it in the hall bath to be steamed. I found it this morning crumpled up and washed with my bath towls.
It is now a paris frock
Our final stop on the blinded by blonde bus tour...
I walked out of the house this morning and I look over at my pretty little convertible in the rain
...with the top down.
Good times...
Good times...
Blondes love special moments like these!!
I forgot the cat was in the house until I woke up to the sounds of a heaving feline upchucking all over my duvet.
Next stop on Blondie's bus:
I was excited to wear my new dress from Paris but after looking for 20 minutes in my closet, I remembered I left it in the hall bath to be steamed. I found it this morning crumpled up and washed with my bath towls.
It is now a paris frock
Our final stop on the blinded by blonde bus tour...
I walked out of the house this morning and I look over at my pretty little convertible in the rain
...with the top down.
Good times...
Good times...
Blondes love special moments like these!!
6.05.2008
Grand Poobah of Wine Daddys
I made a blonde booboo last night by popping into my favorite wine boutique.
OOPS: Blonde memory: at this very instance I just realized I left my wine at the store. Make mental note to pick it up after work...tomorrow...when my brain fog dissipates.
Anyhoo!
I usually go to my most favored liquor store in Davenport on Thursday but its salary review time and I needed a little something, something after work to settle the fact I might have to look for another payway due to my salary demandage being probably more than what the company is willing to swallow, which blows because I really like the peeps I work with.
But the Blonde needs to think of herself and her wardrobe.
Anyhoo!!
The Grand sommelier as they say in wine country was very talkative today and instead of his usual suggestions he popped open a little German number that was totally delish.
Mmm, Mmmm, Mmmm
Uh Oh!!
Here, here try this
Cork comes off
Try this
Uh Oh
Ohhh, Mmmmm
Try this
Cork comes off
Try this
Uh Oh
Oh, this is good
Mmmm, Mmmm, Mmmmm
Uh Oh
UH
OHHHH
NOOOOO
Needless to say, todays blog is short because I am barely able to sit straight in my chair without grunting because its too hard, coffee just rushes the wine that is still in my blood to my head, I really want the comfort of super-sized Micky D's and...
My hair hurts!
Blondes should not hangover the edge!!
OOPS: Blonde memory: at this very instance I just realized I left my wine at the store. Make mental note to pick it up after work...tomorrow...when my brain fog dissipates.
Anyhoo!
I usually go to my most favored liquor store in Davenport on Thursday but its salary review time and I needed a little something, something after work to settle the fact I might have to look for another payway due to my salary demandage being probably more than what the company is willing to swallow, which blows because I really like the peeps I work with.
But the Blonde needs to think of herself and her wardrobe.
Anyhoo!!
The Grand sommelier as they say in wine country was very talkative today and instead of his usual suggestions he popped open a little German number that was totally delish.
Mmm, Mmmm, Mmmm
Uh Oh!!
Here, here try this
Cork comes off
Try this
Uh Oh
Ohhh, Mmmmm
Try this
Cork comes off
Try this
Uh Oh
Oh, this is good
Mmmm, Mmmm, Mmmmm
Uh Oh
UH
OHHHH
NOOOOO
Needless to say, todays blog is short because I am barely able to sit straight in my chair without grunting because its too hard, coffee just rushes the wine that is still in my blood to my head, I really want the comfort of super-sized Micky D's and...
My hair hurts!
Blondes should not hangover the edge!!
6.02.2008
Blonde Moment 311
Besides wearing the pair of Armani shorts with the dangling string adorning the back as I sat down to use the little girls seat?!
Oh yes!
I played with Eharmony and Chemistry's profile thing.
How many times can a Blonde fall for dating sites?!
More than she cares to admit but what can I say?
I am a hopeless Romantic.
Now, the site is sending me messages to join. Dangling matches in front of me like a pair of 2 carat diamond stud earrings. I am sure they are hoping that one of these profiles might send a sparkle to my eye and in a Pavlovian like response send my hand into the Fendi to whip out the Louis to retrieve the plastic card that in times of a bullish market gives me a small orgasmic shiver whenever I swipe it through the card reader.
But!
I am in an economic down turn and love will just have to find me for free for now!
Chemistry and E don't match very well and they don't let you see photos before joining! That's like having too many drinks and waking up next to a face your afraid to look at because you forgot what you brought home.
Why would anyone need 6 months of dating if their scientific method of matchmaking is proven so effective? I have no doubt, that the company that provides Chemistry's and Eharmony's stamp of approval is the very same one that certifies the power of every new weight loss pill on the market.
The cost for one month is $60(high compared to Match) or you can join the extended plan, $23 a month but billed one time for 6 months, blah, blah, blah. In a time of money crunch, I feel the dating sites might be hitting a soft future not to mention many of their clients. Highlights and Viagra are yesterdays luxury along with finding love.
I just assume buy a bottle of wine, play with myself, and deposit my savings into another penny stock company.
You know the economy is bad when a Blonde can't buy love!!
Oh yes!
I played with Eharmony and Chemistry's profile thing.
How many times can a Blonde fall for dating sites?!
More than she cares to admit but what can I say?
I am a hopeless Romantic.
Now, the site is sending me messages to join. Dangling matches in front of me like a pair of 2 carat diamond stud earrings. I am sure they are hoping that one of these profiles might send a sparkle to my eye and in a Pavlovian like response send my hand into the Fendi to whip out the Louis to retrieve the plastic card that in times of a bullish market gives me a small orgasmic shiver whenever I swipe it through the card reader.
But!
I am in an economic down turn and love will just have to find me for free for now!
Chemistry and E don't match very well and they don't let you see photos before joining! That's like having too many drinks and waking up next to a face your afraid to look at because you forgot what you brought home.
Why would anyone need 6 months of dating if their scientific method of matchmaking is proven so effective? I have no doubt, that the company that provides Chemistry's and Eharmony's stamp of approval is the very same one that certifies the power of every new weight loss pill on the market.
The cost for one month is $60(high compared to Match) or you can join the extended plan, $23 a month but billed one time for 6 months, blah, blah, blah. In a time of money crunch, I feel the dating sites might be hitting a soft future not to mention many of their clients. Highlights and Viagra are yesterdays luxury along with finding love.
I just assume buy a bottle of wine, play with myself, and deposit my savings into another penny stock company.
You know the economy is bad when a Blonde can't buy love!!
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