12.29.2007

Blonde Moment 201

Sex antidotes work better if you spell 'Pastor' right.

I wrote a joke about being horny and the punchline was misspelled and so the damn thing was interpreted as a desperate sounding board for the sexually challenged.

As much as I love the new found attention (after all, I am a blonde and a Leo)... and I have learned that sex really does sell....
I was just trying to be funny!!

Being horny and being desperate are two very different things...and while I want to thank the guys who were willing to put their penis on the line for me...

I just have to say...

EEWWWW!!

THE FOLLOWING STATEMENT IS SARCASM: if I wanted gross sex with a stranger, I would go to craiglslist and get 'massage man'..at least I would make a $100..THIS IS THE END OF THE SARCASM!!

Blondes need to use Spell check!!

Blue Balls?!

have nothing on my throbbing labia at the moment. Without sounding like a total slut and as if I cared...I need to get laid..magnificently laid!!

It has been three months and I can't even concentrate on reading, let alone writing blogs.

I am certain whoever gets in between my legs will need medical attention after I am done exploiting every inch of their masculinity..

Unfortunately I need that connection.....and as tough as it seems..I will go another 3 dreaded, dry, run out of batteries (for my neck massager) look like every man is a piece of meat--- months if I have too!!

I think after a certain amount of time without IT you get to reclaim virginity anyway!

I went to lunch with someone today and I could barely make conversation..

all I could master in my little blonde bubble at the moment was polite conversation while milling over the following thoughts:

he could be potential..
he is a big guy..
big guys tend to be smaller..
I wonder how football players are hung?
probably small..
wonder how big it is...
wonder how good he is?
damn..he is a big guy
I bet its nice sized
damn..I need my neck massager

after realizing I zoned out, I shook the air out of my head and refocused my attention to the conversation....




I'm sorry Pastor..what were you saying?


Blondes really shouldn't be so bad!!

Craigslist Freak of the Week

Seeking woman to eat FROG LEGS with! - m4w - 24

Male seeking woman to eat frog legs with.. yes frog legs.. I have 5 sets of legs, thats 10 individual legs, and 50 little froggie toes...

Should we BBQ them, broil, bake, fry? Make a soup possibly? Oh the ways we could season them!

We can start with frog legs and go from there... tuna steak, king crab, gulf shrimp, bay scallops, seaweed salad, magic mushrooms.... it's all in the fridge....

Must be 420 friendly (because you have to be high to eat all that shit).


Blondes feel really bad for Freaks..for they know not what they are!!

Photo Trading Cards!!

I have this thing..like everyone..we all have at least one quirk..my quirk?!! you ask?

I don't like ugly photos of me hanging around! When I die or go missing and people are digging threw photos of me..do I really need them to see the photos my boyfriend took right after we had sex, or the photo where I just jammed a huge bite of hot dog in my mouth, or the the endless photos of me with a drink in my hand..actually those I keep because it means I'm partying and I always look good partying!!
How about the photo at Christmas open gifts..we are all in our robes, bed head and eye crust..or the endless shots taken of me bending over..thanks Mother!! Seriously!!

However, I do keep the bad photos of my friends and family because they are just too damn funny!!


Via?!!

"What?!"

"What the hell are you doing?!"

"I'm throwing away the photos of me I don't like"

"You can't do that!!"

"I know ..its history..blah, blah.."

"GIVE ME MY PHOTOS BACK"

"NO"

GIVE ME MY DAMN PHOTOS"

"Your Photos?, There My Face!!"

"Get The Hell Out of My Photo Albums"

"Jeez Sis...chill out..I will throw the bad ones of you away if you want..theres a lot!! "

She Grabs the photos from my hand..I needed quick thinking here..

"Alright, Sis..I will trade you the photo where you just vomitted on your boyfriend if you let me keep the one of me with mayonnaise on the corner of my mouth"

"Fine..Here...Now Do you have some where else to go?!"

"I suppose I can go clean out lil' Sis photo albums"

Phone:
Ring, Ring, Ring

"Hey Sis, I was gonna come over"

"Constance called. I already hid the photos of you on the toilet"

"Bitch!! Fine...I will trade you the one where you are peeing on the side of the road for the one of me on the lue"

"Deal"

"Great, be over in a minute"

Phone

"Ring, Ring!!"

"Carol, my dear friend...Want to drink wine and look at old photos?"


Blondes always get double prints before trading!!!

12.26.2007

Roasting Mother

Anytime the family gathers together we take a sweet delight in recounting the endless craziness that which is called 'Mother'...Our own personal Uber Blonde.


My Mother has a studio in the house. My Father wanted to build one for her but she decided the little guest room in the corner with the atrium windows would be perfect and no need to go the extra expense plus she like the deer that roam on that side of the house.


Imagine a lovely never used guest room with silk covers on the bed, long flowing shantung drapes, vintage pillows, a small satin chaise for sitting and a beautiful woven
rug...


Now imagine the apocalypse and this lovely guest room was ground zero!!

Old photos, books, magazines and newspapers cover the entire 400 sq ft room, no rug in sight accept for underneath the window where bird seed and deer food have been grounded into the rug and beginning to sprout plants.

The paintings all hang crooked on the wall to make room for leaning canvases. The furniture has been shoved against the wall, the satin linens have been replaced with a army of feather comfoters and pillows layered like the princess in the pea..must be to protect my Mother from a posssible air raid. A crater has been dug out from the debris on the floor to make room for her to stand as she paints still lifes of rocks..

Yes, I did say rocks!!

We know about the secret refrigerator in the room because of the trail of crumbs that cannot be vacuumed off of piles of books and drawing paper.

The maid refuses to go in afraid she might never find her way out.

The Father usually just pokes his head in from the safety of the hall way and always has the same expression and shaking of his head when he looks in the room.

Dad, "When are you going to clean this room?"

Mom, "What? I have been cleaning ..don't you see the carpet in that corner?"

Dad, "Where?"

Mom, "Well, if you can't see how hard I cleaned..just go...Im always cleaning this room..you just don't see it"

Dad, "I would see it if it were clean" Shakes his head and walks away.


My Mother's mess is like the plague..if you don't contain it..it slowly begins to drift into other parts of the house and even the car where one can find cheese, apples and bananas rotting under the seat.

We are fairly certain that if my Father dies before our Mother...we will have to put her down otherwise she will make headlines in the paper as social services takes her from the house.

"Woman found after weeks of Digging!!"


Blondes love their Mom's unconditionally because no one else would!!