The 1% Started Long Ago. And I lost Fighting Them!

I miss my Dad,

He was not full of panache but still charming; more subtle, so when he hugged you, or shook your hand, or gave you a compliment.... it was a big deal.

It meant something to everyone when my Dad gave them his approval. Everyone wanted it, including his daughters.

And he loved his family and was a big kid on holidays.

And then you had my Mother!

She loved her valium; got pregnant every time she thought my Dad was about to leave her; and so duh - hated she had to share her allowance for our school clothes, so yeah, while my sisters were OK with this, I decided I was not.

So it started with me packing a plush terry cloth robe from the Fox and Hound in Fredericksburg.

And that same fucking statement, " We can forgive you but we will never forget." 

Ok, seriously, I do not care, that was the best robe of my entire life and I had it for over 10 years!

So imagine how upset I am that my 'never had to work for anything in her life' mother is letting the estate my Father meticulously cared for, crumble to the fucking ground. 

The gardens are dying; the pool is empty;  the trees in the forest are falling; and the inside of the home is decaying.

I paid for new pool decking, the new washer and dryer, and give her $500 a month that she pisses away on gourmet German cold cuts she FedEx's from Wisconsin .

And I more than anyone will understand how much it will hurt her to hear she can't stay here any more. Because the only person who was willing to care for her and pay for the upkeep of this fucking Grey Gardens monstrosity, is ME, and I am not willing to lose me over her all consuming kingdom of hell.

It will be unbearable, and devastating. And it will feel like someone ripped the very heart out of her soul, but after that ..it will only take a decade or so to get over it.

But it might not feel that harsh to her since she never once touched a nail, saved any money, worked her ass off to pay for her own place.

She was scooped up as a Kim Novak look-alike model to a Captain with a 57 convertible in Germany.

Like most European girls during the war, they played nice to marry and get out, but once they were state side, that niceness changed.

My Dad was not a pretty man, but my Mom was fucking outstanding - so she had him under her little pinky nail for his entire life, and when he showed more affection to his daughters -  she twisted that pinky nail into his heart and soul until he caved and eventually lost his loving daughters coming out to his car the moment he got home and giving him hugs and kisses

After years, it became us hiding behind the bed because she was going to start something before he got a few feet out of his car, and grow into a full on fight before he could reach the front door and put down his breifcase.

So I stand here as problem child and who fucked up!

I am a hypocrite, because I failed. When I had a tough time growing my company and about to lose the house I bought at 20 to save my baby boy from the toxic home I grew up, I let my Dad convince me it would be better if my son went to live them for a while. I should have known I was never going to get my baby boy after that. .

I FUCKED UP....BEYOND FORGIVENESS!!

SO I HAVE BEEN LIVING IN A SELF-INFLICTED HELL EVER SINCE! 

I am sure if you scaffold down the years of this blog, you will find the one where my pink house, the one for me and my baby boy were lost to a man much like my Mother.