Cookie Monster

'Mother' could not curb her appetite for murder even when children were around last week. She has been hording christmas cookies in an undisclosed location and upon there demise she set them down on the counter for the blonde's discovery.

If you will notice she set them down, in such a manner, as to make the cookies look edible.

Submitted into evidence, photo 1
As you can see, the cookies look normal considering the blonde, whom did not have her contacts in, and in conjunction with early morning stammering without her morning coffee, she clearly saw decent cookies.

The blonde then on her second cup of morning coffee and with contacts in, decided to have another. As she reached for a cookie, she discovered a bad batch that was hideously hidden by the sheer manipulation of turning a bag over.

Submitted into evidence, photo 2
Clearly, you can see several cookies missing, that blondie ate, and with the bag turned upside down, you will see the mold infested cookies that were purposely disguised as an edible cookie by the defendant...AKA Mother.

The only defense 'Mother' offers; she claims mold is the organic version of penicillin in its purest form, and thus was trying to cure me and not kill me.

Hogwash, I say!!

Hogwash!!

I feel this travesty has gone on far enough, and I ask everyone outside their glass house to rule in favor of the blonde.

Repeatedly trying to kill a blonde is an offense worth punishing. I ask for no leniency in this matter.



The Blonde rests her crumbling case!!

Fashion in the Toilet

I have several outfits with dangly things on them

I like dangly clothes

Its just me

I do not, however, like them dangling

in the toilet


as I pee.

I am flushed with blonde moments!!

Holy Cow!!

My friend Dallas is in big doo doo. Well, he will be, because I have wanted a mini cow for awhile, and now I have found one!! Since I live in a snooty neighborhood with an association, I don't think my mini cow would go over very well. But Dallas has a ranch and I want to board my mini cow at his place.

I guess I should ask him before I buy one, but that would give him the chance to say NO.

You can't say no to a blonde when she really, really wants something.

Just ask my mom and sis!!

I remember in the 5th grade, I wanted the most beautiful butterfly shirt and my mom didn't buy it, or so I thought. I made my entire family a wreck about that blouse. Actually, my mother did buy the blouse and was holding it as an Easter surprise, but I did not know that, and I shed terror on the family. I was such a little heathen about it, my mom and sister pulled my blouse out of hiding and threw it at me, and said, "Here...we can't take it any more!"

I was so excited to see my shirt, that I failed to see the wreckage I made of my family.

I would like to say I am sorry, but I am not. I got my shirt and I loved it soooo much, I wore it out wearing it all the time. I think I proved to my family that it was worth the pain I caused. I was appreciative of that blouse and so I have nothing to apologize for.

Dallas, I want that mini cow just as bad as that blouse, so you are in a world of hurt if I can't use your ranch for my mini cow.

The Blonde is bovinely inspired to get her way!!

Can I have Candy?

Of course you can!!

My job as an Aunt, is to let my niece and nephew get a way with sheer murder, while in my presence, and then politely hand them back to mommy, after I have wittled away at their perfectly honed manners.

They have since left the building and its quiet without the children and the anarchy, of which I created with my simple arsenal of pandemonium; just a few bottles of coke, ice cream sandwiches, and the old bits of candy my Mother stashed away in a candy jar.

The candy came to my attention early in the morning, before my first cup of coffee. Knowing I am the commander in charge of sneaky behavior, the children came to me with the discovery. The candy was shaped like little fruits and vegetables. They did not say they found the candy, they merely asked if they could have the candy.

I said yes.

I am the Aunt and as far as I am concerned, they can have whatever they want because I know where to return them when the sugar kicks in.

Ah...Ah....Ah...the evilness of it all!

I love it!!

Now, to my defense, I thought the fruit and vegetable shaped candy belonged to my nieces Barbie kitchen playhouse. I did not realize it was candy my Mother hid away 15 years ago in a candy jar in the formal living area. It looked fine to me. Candy and Twinkies don't have an expiration date; plus what doesn't poison the munchkins, will make them stronger. Right?

I tried the candy, it was fine, and so I let the sugar rush begin.

Just as they were happily gobbling up the candy, my Mother comes down the hall.

Oh No!

Nanna went into a five minute discussion of why they can't eat the candy. Meanwhile, my sister over hears the lecture and comes barreling down the hall. She gives the children another five minute dissertation on stale candy and applied her nursing degree to thoroughly ruin the moment.

Then, Nanna and Martha Stuey attacked me with a stereophonic debate on, why I should not allow the children to have stale candy.

After 15 minutes of a non-stop dual-verbal beating, minus my cup of coffee, and the fact I was woken up at dawn by my precious little comrades...I got a tad gusty and guffawed off to my room at the end of the hall, to smother the ongoing commitment to describing botulism to children, and to proclaim my disgust in the older generation of paranoid parenting and grand parenting.

I was given a reprieve when they left me behind to go to the zoo, for the entire afternoon. I took that time to relish in the quietness of it all and to regroup with another disatisfactory decision, when the children came back.

Auntie V!

Auntie V!

What are we going to do now?!

Well, my little petunias. We are going to watch House Bunny downstairs, have several coca colas that have been sitting in the fridge for a year, and eat 3 month old candy kisses from the refrigerator.

Yeah!!!

You are our favorite Auntie!!

Auntie Blondie is way too sweet!!!

A Bone To Pick

How to explain a chicken leg to a child:

The Blonde Version:

Child, you know chicken nuggets. Well, this is a chicken drum, it has a bone in it. Just eat the meat around the outside and put the bone on your plate.


The neurotic, micro-managing older model Mom version:

Child! That is a chicken with a bone!
You can't eat that! You are only 4. Just because you know every name of the Star Wars characters and you have a full set of teeth and you can use the bathroom doesn't mean you can eat a chicken drum with 4 adults watching and sitting next to you in case you bite the bone and it could splinter into a thousand pieces and lodge into your tummy where it could start bleeding and then we would have to rush you to the hospital where they will have to take a large needle and sew up the holes that poked through your tummy because your Aunt was crazy enough to give you chinese chicken drum!!!

I would use punctuation but since my sister doesn't take a breath during her rants and I didn't want to lose the essence with coherent sentences...

The Blonde's eardrum is splintered!!!