Plot 183

Everyone I love is in lot 183.

I pass the trees and the brooks along the winding road in the old section of the cemetery but the road begins to stretch out, straight and long toward my family plot and I reach the new section that is just rows of mortar.

I was buried here first. I used to visit my singular grave stone but now more have joined. Only they do not see what I do.

I can't see them or speak to them.

This plot of my family....marked by a single tree and marker 183


The Day has Come

I have outlived all my family...the last one died a few weeks ago.

I won't say who.

I won't say why.

I won't say anything other than goodbye.

My heart would be broken beyond repair

but since it has no beat

only memory serves to conjure despair

It is the same feeling an amputee feels. The pain of an appendage long gone but pain resides some where in the brain.

I have been alone for many years but always had the hope of reuniting; now that is gone.

Alone is really all alone.

Hope is for no reason.

I am at a complete loss and have no hunger any more; not even for fat police officers...and they were always my comfort food.

Mourning for a bit but will be back as always...I have a life that will not expire so you can be quite comforted in the fact that this blog will last longer than you.


Letting the Pain Go

Being undead has its perks...love is never the issue these days!

I see Glimpses of the Life I wanted

I wish I knew how to reconcile them with my new thoughts.

I guess like anyone who goes through a life change wisdom begins to set in and we learn to live or die trying.

It is time to start smiling again.

I am going back in my casket and travelling the world for this summer.

Stay tuned!


The Witching Hour

My favorite time of the day...or to the living your night.

This is when I come alive and begin my search for truth.....

The days I used to live...bad, worse but in some ways almost amazing...

and if you believe that, I have some swamp to sell you.

My dead is better than my past life

Oops...I have some freinds visiting me tonight...if you remember from a while ago my Bentley casket was confiscated in Europe...my new freinds have brought it back to me

so voila...

again tomorrow late at night when killing is easiest do I return


Don't be Like me...Don't Let Life Be Your End

Don't forget to feed my fish...someone will have to when I go.....

Oh yes the undead have a choice to live and die just like you....only I know where my atoms will go

Even a Donkey Knows You Have to Save Yourself

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.
A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happens.
3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less from people but more from yourself.


Life Seems so Inevitable

Every night we go to bed crying and hoping for a better life. We think about dying until we re actually dead and then all we think of is what could have been.

But what could have been only exists in our fantasy. Life is what life is, right?

We were born under either a lucky star or one that was very unlucky.

The lucky ones have it so easy. 

For the unlucky ones, we cave to internal hate and disgust. We are too old to blame our parents, even though they are to blame for almost everything.

No child was ever born a bad child. No child was ever born lacking self esteem or confidence unless....

They stood alone when ever they were hurt.

And many of us were hurt. I am not alone and neither are you.

I have the freedom to write about this now because nothing shames me any more. Nothing hurts me any more.

But it stills hurts you. I hear the ache in your hearts as you try to fall asleep and all the world is coming down on you.

Where will you live? Where will you find food? Where will you find anyone to love you and take care of you before it is too late?

I would say one day it will be better but you know better than that.

So I will say good night and tomorrow will be another wretched day but keep the faith...at least your not dead like me....if you take a chance you could feel something.

Fight to feel or come to my side....no hunger, no taste, no thirst,no passion....no nothing other than games with people as my little rats

As a Little Girl Did you Ever feel Like this?

Let them all be caged!!!

Feed my fish...that is all I ask!


The Undead have no sense of timing

nor a sense of reasoning or maybe we do....

what do I care what you humans think. You all are so self centered, it is almost ridiculous until I think that God does play with you like ants...he has the giant magnifying glass and hones in on almost anyone for no reason at all and can crush your world just for fun.

Do you find it funny to love a God that does not love you?

You can't love someone if you do not exist!

All you do to honor him is based on the words written by people who made him up and created his name to control you!

When you die...you die and your carcass disperses into millions of tiny atoms and those atoms will find others and reform and you will be reborn.

This is how our world works...one big bubble of a certain amount of atoms and they die and are born but they never change in number in the whole existence as we know it.

We are a bubble forever more!

I can't go anywhere...my atoms are locked here in some cruel fate. And so are yours!

So is my cat; only my cat knows he has other lives to live and he will come back to my son in one form or another.

Heaven is only a dream my friends and only few get to live it!

Life is best served living here, living now!


My Cat Died

I knew he was dying. An undead can feel it. I felt it from far away and wanted to see him and my son. God I can't seem to recall the days, the months or the years I have been gone.

I just know I had to be there. Watching silently as a dog broke free from his leash and went after Goose.

I watched from afar as my Mother tried to fend off the beast with bush clipping spears. I watched the owner hold back her 80 lbs white dog, rabid with taste for my dying old cat as the brown dog, free from his leash took to tormenting my son's 20 year old cat that was hoping only for some peace and a little bit of sunlight before his impending death. An attack was never part of the plan.

I watched from afar as my son came to the house. I lingered outside without him knowing I was there. Being dead is being invisible, you can be wherever you want and no one sees you.

The pain of watching him relive another death crushed me and I was unable to comfort him. His heart was broken in two and his tears flooded the fur of his beloved cat as he whispered in his ear that it was OK to go. The cat trying to be so strong and brave trying to raise his head and my son's large hands coddling the delicate and small head of his once viking prince of a cat.

Crushed by forces...both my son and his prized beast....

and what do we get from the stupid woman who let her stupid 8 year old hold a leash of a beast twice her size?!


I thought having an non-beating heart and ice cold veins could never undo me but tonight I have been undone.

Tonight I feel the rage again and tonight, I want to kill.....

Blindead by Blonde has some reckoning to attend too!  And fuck you dog owners...eye for an eye when a cat dies by their jaw!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I had Thoughts Today about Dying

It is not like I can not cease to exist; an undead can cease to exist....she just needs to set herself on fire and let every atom of her body evaporate into the circle of energy we call the earth system.

But I am not ready to cease existence. I want very much to stay here and watch over my son.

And while this is my most admirable pursuit and quite frankly the only one; I have some dark ones that I would like to continue to delve into.

These darker pursuits would be the bad men that we all know exist and many of us have had the unfortunate displeasure to run into. I do not mean to go all 'Thelma and Louise' on y'all but I think that story tells it all and offers up some true advice; that one gun shot can snuff out a bad man and stop the heartache for many women.

You can be so perfect and so sweet and that sweetness is resented by men. If you want to be with a good man than you need to be strong and unwilling to yield.

The bitches in this world get everything...the mouse scours the ground for little bits of whatever is left.

Do not be a mouse!!

I was a mouse once and it got me into many bad places where I coward in the corner. Now that I am undead, the fear is no longer with me and I can take my revenge.

I do not suggest you follow pursuit of my final hour but I do want you to live life and be well.

The first rule to gain control of men is knowing that you have the power. You have something they want and porn and hand jobs will not satisfy them. They need you and they want you and the more you make them wait and tease them....the more they will beg.

We were all young once and we inadvertently teased men without knowing how much power that held. Have we lost that now that we are a little older? Of course we have and do you know why?Because someone told you not to be a prick tease because guys don't like that. Guess what gender was spreading that gossip? One guess only, but I bet you do not get it wrong!

Being a prick tease is the very essence of your power over men. Read up on some famous french courtesans and see how much they acquired in their lifetime for being smart and strong and ignoring the rhetoric of men!!!

I will post some writing of the most famous courtesans in the world but for now, the movie 'Cheri' with Michelle Pfeiffer will get your studying started.

I will make sure before I go up in flames that I will rise like a phoenix and create stronger, better, smarter women who will break the men that think they have all the power over us.

Now, I have to go...it is a full moon tonight and I always enjoy killing one bad man in the moonlight.

Death only becomes the virtuous. Ahhh...guess that is why I remain undead!


Are You Crazy if You Say So?

They say your are not crazy if you say you are. Am I?

I am crazy and saying it does not make me any less crazy.

Of course being dead makes it easier to say.

I guess the right statement is that I was crazy but now I am just undead.

I had a right to be crazy when I was alive. bad things happened to me from early on that just seemed to punish me my entire living life.

Now I can talk about it because nothing phases me anymore.

SO let me share why being undead is better than living.

I was young and made a stupid bet with some teens. They bet me that they could ride over me on their bikes and I would flinch. I was arrogant and said no I won't.

They said if I flinch, I had to get in the car with them. It was two teenage boys and one teenage girl.

Well, I did flinch and so I paid up on the bet. I was 7 and did not really know what the cost was until I got in the car.

To this day I do not remember past the teenage girl holding me down in the back...I draw a complete blank,,,but I do not think it was.....

Well, whatever it was, it was the catalyst to my demise and one I never did recover from.....

Being dead and being able to kill people without remorse must have something to do with that day.

I wasn't the only little girl who got stuck in a car but I was the only little girl who got to leave breathing.


Devil or not the Devil

So how do I choose?

Now it is easy because I have crossed that threshold and no heaven is an illusion but many years ago while I was alive I had choices and made the wrong ones each time.

So, how do I teach you to not make the same mistakes I have?

Well, let me tell a story that may help.

Once upon a time...

cheeky yes but well deserved in my situation...


Once upon a time there was a woman who had her choice of men and chose unwisely each time.

First she chose a man for money over a man who loved her and bought a pretty little sapphire ring and she thought nothing about it other than to pawn it to pay a bill.

Then karma hit her like a bat out of hell and all that she thought was it was worth it for the few years of peace from the fear of having no money comes from,  but it was crushed and pummeled beyond anything she ever imagined because as much as she tried to love the man, he knew she did not.

Loyalty and love turned in a horrible direction when he she refused to give any more of herself at the man's whim in the bed.

He took my home...

I said "Over my dead body. I will burn it to the ground before you get one penny."

Courts take these kind of statements to heart and it was enough to finds me behind a cage.

That woman, me, was locked away in an insane asylum while the man she thought would take care of her forever pieced away her life.

True story my friends....

I was locked away for over a year while the world took everything away from me.

When  I got out, I had nothing and no where to go.

I remember walking with my silly little suitcase filled with nothing but cotton t's and a few pair of pants.

I walked from the asylum two miles down to a Wal Mart to call the only number I had burnt in my mind.

And what is funny is that, I can't remember that number any more or who I called or how I got back back home. I say a home but it was not mine...I was reminded about that every day I lived there.

All I remember is the punishment did not fit the crime.

Give me a bit to remember.... after all....I have been dead a long time and my old life is hard to remember

The blondead will write again....I promise

Stray with me for just a little bit...

I may not be here much longer but while I am....I have some good advice for you girls

and warnings for you men



I Truly Enjoy Fucking with Men

No...seriously its my most treasured hobby!

Take for instance Mr Feroze...

A man clearly married but saying he is separated.

He dangles statements that mean nothing to me...


"My villa at Pebble Beach is amazing"


How does that impress me idiot? I am not there to enjoy it so...



I have to come back to this..
I am tired and have not had a baby for breakfast in a long time and my cognitive skills are not quite right

Blondie will be back after new blood!


No Heart is Broken Ungracefully

but tactfully we can aspire to...

And when I say tactfully I mean full force hurt them for not being the one you want after they pretended to be....

Going back in time when I was still alive...I remember the men I wanted and they pulled all the stops out for me.

Flowers, not just flower but full on bouquets of brilliant color and scent...

It took me off guard and I thought they really wanted me but they only wanted to ensure that they had me for their bed.

And they played me like a violin that but the reality cane down and I realized I was only their to be tied to their bed as muse...

Well, that is when empowerment came and I traded in my love for the gifts they would give me.

I had Fendi, Louis, Louboutin and the likes...

and the loss of something real.

See, I was under the impression I could win the hearts f these men but I know I never could.

I was not of their world and they only brought me in for their pleasure and desire and I willingly step forward thinking the flowers and gifts meant something.

In their world, they were just cheap baubles to keep a pretty girl who was good in bed around!

Now that I am on the other side...I have willed my pain on them...

Being undead has its perks as far as karmic retribution but being undead also leaves me void of the amusement I would have felt by throwing my anger into  the thrill of hurting the.

I have no feelings toward anything so the thrilling sensation of getting even is flat but I am sure I can vicariously live it through you.

So , ladies be my minions and bring forth the confidence to hurt men as they see fit to do us.


Blindead by Blonde!


Jobs I left

Continuing with the past before I was dead....

let me hit upon jobs and not men.

The funny thing is, most my jobs came to me because men liked my look and hired me. Not to say I didn't deserve it but a woman in human resources would pass me up just to be a bitch who did not like pretty girls.

I actually had a woman interview me and ask me about my dating habits at the office.

I told her, it was wrong.

Wrong answer because she shot back at me that she was dating a client and then preceded to go on about how I might be someone who would take him from her.

I guess timing was my fault here. The client she was dating happened to be there when I was waiting in the reception area and he tried to have a moment with me.

So, the woman saw this interaction and the interview that pursued was quite frankly her telling me that she will win the battle.

What battle?

It was a shit job and her guy was not that great!

I did not get the job.

Shocker to the blonde...never!


Reading my past are you?

I saw someone viewing a post moment from Aspen.

It was beautiful. Every moment was perfect. Even the gentleman I was with was perfect... but perfection is fleeting and silly to think  it could ever continue.

That same man, who adored me so, turned on me and so I turned on him. Only as a woman could I ensure killing him with my words
and I did...and he deserved it for hurting me.

You see, men like Aspen, could never go for a woman who could have loved him. He wanted the pursuit which meant you sitting there like a loyal dog until called upon.

And the fact, back then., I had no money, so I was not free to his beck and call and he made me feel bad for being slave labor.

A King wanting slave labor...could only Cinderella dream...

And I would sit a lady in waiting if it meant the castle but he was only willing to dole out his small affections.

Good thing he found what he was looking for in a medical dog. Appropriate if you think about it.

The dog was on a harness and subservient to the very end.

I would have ruined the dog with my all too much love to give and all too much cavalier attitude to authority behind the King's back....

It is a good thing nothing ever transpired.

In the end, all I wanted was a friend when I moved here and the King seemed a likely subject to behold but being friends with a puaper was too unbearable for him.

he only saw the pauper girl as one that wanted his gold.

Who in my state of life would ever be so bold to ask for more than was written long before I was born.

Destiny has a way of putting everyone in there place. I should know. I tried very hard to change it.

The Blonde tried!! What does it matter now?

and fuck typos.. I am not here to win a Pulitzer!

Invisibility works for me

My own personal journal from hell and back and back to hell...

In another life, one day I will get everything I wished for but in this one...it is just all gone.

But I digress.

I promised to write stories of my past and that is what I am doing.

This one is a short one but at least a starter for something newer and happier in my writing.

Parents!! Listen up!!

You are the ones that make or break your children and there is no escape from it. So heed my tale and learn.

Before Big Daddy and the Crazy Kraut killed their family, there were some really sweet parenting, too short to count sad to say!

Their children, three daughters were dragged to all the incredible mansions on the north east coast and there... we daughters dreamed of everything. And we never thought we couldn't have it.

We would smell the Chanel No 5 on my Mother as she prepared to go out for the ballet with my father. She would kiss each of our hands with her lips and leave us a beautiful lipstick stain to our hands to show how special we were.

We had all the beautiful dresses and the life that was to lead us into a fairy tale..

and then...

the fairy tale became a nightmare and we, the children were sacrificed!

The Blonde remembers being a princess once...but even a princess can be stripped of her tiara and thrown into a dungeon when the King lost his position.

Big Blue took my Daddy down and it was his fault for being too smart with no common sense to be charming.

I hate corporations! Even more I hate my Father for being such an ogre!


I Am Invisible Now

I realize that.

I am OK these days writing for myself.

It is a lonely world I live in; it is an isolated box that circumstances built around me. And for the most part, I allowed it to happen.

BUT, while I may be the walking dead, my mind is very much alive with memories, past discretion, unrequited love from my side and theirs and the thought of what could have been.

I dwell now in the past only because I have not future other than the one where I stay permanently 28 forever which becomes increasingly irritating when pub crawling.

Flirting ensues and then inevitably the age question pops up and I am a sucker for a stunned face..and


they are gone

I would write more tonight but I have no longer decided to feed off of babies and blood and hoping that will be the cure to my ills.

If you thought you wanted to live forever than think again....its not what you think it is

Things like money and youth come at a price or so says the dead blonde


A new year does not mean the past is wiped clean

I can not change all that has happened but I think this year, I would like to wrte about the things I missed when I was alive.

And when I say missed...I mean the little innuendos and passive aggressive behaviors of all the saw me as a threat to them.

I guess I find it funny now that I am really a threat and back then...

Well, I was just a single Mom looking for acceptance and never got it.

I was a pretty blonde who didn't think she was so pretty to be a threat but I can;t help other's insecurities.

The Blonde is revisiting her past this year!

Stay tuned!!!
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