12.31.2008

HAPPY NEW YEAR

History is not Blind

...but its not blonde either!

History books will record many things about this past year but my blog will not be one of them.


A recap of Blondism 2008


Blondes are truly worth loving!!

Blondes still have a lot to learn, as well we all do!!! Peace Y'all!!!

Blondes always find a way to stand on principal!!

Blondes try to grow up well!!

Blondes hate being part of the click!!

Blondes like steering the way!!!

Blondes hate to behave!!

Blondes don't draw the lines!!

Blondes don't like to bail!!

Blondes know there is good and bad in all!!

Blondes are looking for a brighter future!!

Blondes don't need resolution, they just need resolve!!

Blondes make their own history!!

12.30.2008

Old Year End

One more day and 2008 will be another year that bit the dust.

I am grateful I made it through with minimal scarring. The end was a bit tough but I am looking forward to the new year. And to begin with a Blonde bang,  I am going back to my online man catalog. 

I have sat through the holidays alone and now that me ex-boyfriend moratorium is over,  and no sign of reconciliation in site, I can move on. 

While most of you will be out feasting on a set price New Years Eve dinner, I will be home ordering mine. I thought I would start with some hors de' vours through Valentine's Day and order the main course sometime at the beginning of summer only to finish dessert in the fall and winter. 

With any luck, dessert will be the one I will have with my morning coffee until some little thing do us part.



Blondes don't need resolution, they just need resolve!!

12.29.2008

Apocalyptic Problem

If God is evident in the weather, he is definitely going through some serious mood swings this season in Austin. Having to deal with the Almighty and his high and low temperment is reaking havoc on my closet situation. 

It's one thing to have a large walk in closet to keep all your seasonal clothes in place, but when dealing with an overflow of fashion and a closet the size of a pill box without the ability to put half the clothes away in storage, garments tend to scramble along the edge of the closet floor trying to escape the chaos. 

I have sweaters stacked on chairs, jeans stuffed in baskets, dressers packed beyond maximum fold allowance, shoe valets on every orafice of doors, scarves and hats swung over sculptures, and sunglasses dangling from lamp shades.

I even use my luggage as a storage bin for excess.  

My room looks like a clothing bunker waiting for a fashion Armageddon

I would love to accommodate my clothes with a grand walk-in but unfortunately with the pay scale of a blogger and my recent endeavor to go to film school,  I am stuck sleeping on one side of the bed as not to disturb the folded batch of garments fresh from the laundry.

I could use the trunk of my car for coats and the back seat for sweaters but unfortunately its already occupied with tennis bags full of gym clothes and soft sided coolers packed with bikinis.

In effort to find more space, I have decided to be charitable and give things away.  If I give away the things I use the least like pots and pans, I will be able to create pantie pantries and sock drawers in the kitchen!

Besides...

Blondes cook in other rooms!!




12.28.2008

Bully for the Bulldog

My baby sis has a bulldog named Balderic. Balderic has a new toy that Santa brought called a bully stick which he carries around in his mouth like a big cuban cigar.

He now cannot go outside to use the doggie dump without his bully stick. He plops his bully rear down concentrating on his bully business while holding the bully stick in his mouth as if he were smoking a stogie.

While most dogs prefer a plush toy or a bone, Balderic prefers the bully stick, known in human terms as a dried up cow dingle.

Blondes wonder what her baby sister is smoking!!

12.21.2008

Hearts will never be Practical

until they become unbreakable. 

I would have to say the same for french nail tips. I tried to peel them away on my own so I could practice strumming on my guitar. 

Big mistake.

My nails, the bits that are left, look like they went threw a wood chipper. I have tried soaking them in acetone, filing them with an emery board, and picking at them with my teeth to get them off. I have mutilated them down to nubs. 

Now I feel bad for all the times I was bored and put a piece of duck tape on the cat's paws to watch them spaz out.

Blonde just got hit with karmic retribution!

 

12.20.2008

Sleeping with the enemy

I don’t know how Crack Cat does it but he pushes me to the side of the bed whenever he sleeps in my room. I wake up in the morning sleeping on 6” of edge while he is sprawled out in the middle with covers twisted around him.  I am lucky just to get a corner of the duvet to huddle under. Lately, I have just succumbed to wearing my fluffy robe to stay warm while I maintain a fetal position because the furry slumber natzi won’t let me move.

 I could sleep in a king sized and it would make no difference to Crack Cat. Even though there is an entirely other side to the bed not being utilized, he finds it more comfortable to nestle in between my legs and systematically move my body to less than a square foot of space against the headboard.

 I think he has been reading Tsun Su’s ‘Art of Bed Warfare’. Every move he makes comes directly from a zen masters teachings.  But what he has not learned is the fact that I possess powers far beyond that of those teaching.

AH-Ha...I have opposable thumbs that can open and close doors locking sleep snatching kitties out of my room.

Meow

Scratch, scratch, scratch

Meow

Scratch, scratch, scratch

Meow

Damn, student has surpassed Master.


 Blondes don't need bed bugs!!





12.19.2008

Try the Cookie

I spent last night with my Mother making cookies. I got to roll out the dough with the wooden roller thing and place them on the cookie sheet.

 After staying up till 3 in the morning helping her, what is my thanks?

 Hhmm....

 Another murder attempt on my life perhaps?

 Of course, its right before Christmas. She needs to start eliminating family members off her Christmas shopping list so she can keep the money for herself.

 "Try my cookie"

 "I am not hungry"

 "No, go ahead try the cookie, just a little bite."

" I will try it later."

 "I just want to know how it tastes. Try just a bite"

 "Fine, which one?"

"Try the square ones I baked this morning."


I take a bite of a cookie. My Mom stands uncomfortably close to me and she is looking at me intently.

"How is it?"

"Its fine."

"Does it taste strange?"

"No. Why? What did you put in it?"

She starts laughing hysterically.

 "Mother what did you put in the cookie?!"

She doesn't stop laughing.

 "What is in the cookie, woman?!"

 

"Dad, your wife is trying to kill me, again!"

"Did she try to give you her special tea?"

"No, a cookie."

"She tried to give me one. I am on the Christmas list too."


After laughing for five minutes straight she finally answered. 

"Well, you know how I have that big bottle of vanilla extract. Well, it looks just like that new organic kitchen cleaner bottle."

"You fed me household cleaner?"

"Yes, but its organic. It shouldn't hurt you"

"Are you planning on serving the cookies?" 

"Well if they taste alright and you’re not dead in the morning, I don’t see why I can’t serve them."

 She must have a long shopping list. She is killing in bulk this year.


 Blondes should know better than eat sweets!


 

 

 

I Am Finding the Light












...to the dark side of life. Welcome to the Trail of Lights, Austin, TX.

The Blonde always finds a way to brighten things up!!

12.18.2008

Facing Demons

You know you its time to stop wallowing in self pity and get out of bed when you start seeing a dead warrior king in a wadded up t-shirt next to you.

The Blonde has an uphill battle!!

The Show Must Go On

Two Blondes attempting a knock, knock joke.

Knock, Knock?

Who's their?

Who?

Who, who?

Who, What?

What?

What?

Is the joke over?

When?

Now?

Now, what?

I don't know.


Blondes laugh in the face of adversity!!


12.16.2008

Security Please!

If you read my blog, you will remember how I had the misfortune of losing my wiper just as the sleet began to fall in D-town and I could not drive to Austin until it settled.  I had to park my bum at the Palomar Hotel in Dallas and wait out the storm.  What I failed to mention in that story was the crazy man that had to be removed by security on my behalf.

First let me begin my story by telling you that this hotel rocks. The price I paid through hotels.com is shameful, considering the gift this hut was. My room welcomed me with little hints of nature, tempting my soul into a peaceful venture with a goldfish, I named Lu, to keep me company.

I wanted to see the rest of the Hotel and so I expedited myself to their watering hole next to the lobby. I brought a book as a silent display that I was not in the market for suitors.  I ordered my wine and cocked my head in all directions to see what the designers had dreamed up. The entire hotel is a sanctuary filled with harmonic furniture and and an earth tone pallet of color.

I sunk my nose into my book, and then I hear over the sounds of crickets and birds, a voice that did not belong to my digital Mother Nature but a man...

Ughhh

"What you reading?"

I would have preferred to be a biatch but the soothing sounds and zen like atmosphere had me off my game and...

I was nice! 

I was being polite and conversing with him. He offered to buy me another glass of wine but I refused and said I would prefer to pay for my own since I don't think my boyfriend would care very much for another man purchasing my vino for me. He then asked where was my boyfriend. At that moment, just as the words began to spill from my tongue, I relized I gave this gent the opening he needed to bother me further.

I should have said, "He is in the room, napping."

But, OHHH NOOO!!

I had to be an idiot and tell him my boyfriend was still in Santa Fe.

Great, give them an inch and they take the whole ball field. He kept asking questions and I kept diverting them with a smile and burying my face in my book. I finished my wine and asked for my bill and this jerk kept insisting on paying. I kept saying no, placed my cash in the bartenders hand, and left immediately for my room.

I was annoyed and tired and my precious hotel sanctuary became a battling ground of unwanted advances that I had to duck. The idiot followed me out. I became nervous and went to the front desk and asked for an escort to my room. The guy became a little belligerent saying there was no need for me to do that. 

There was no need for you to follow me out of the bar!!

Clearly there was reason but he didn't see it. I left him to argue with the hotel clerk as I quickly escaped to my room with security by my side. 

Once settled in the room, I began to cry. I was already emotional from undisclosed events in Santa Fe and all I needed was one more thing to go wrong-and it did-and I unleashed my tears before the security had time to close the door. He consoled me and later brought up a glass of wine for me.

I settled in for the night safe and sound with Lu. Lu didn't say much, after all he is a goldfish, but he kept me company at a time when I felt so alone in such an insecure world.

Blondes need a better defense mechanism!!


Another Blonde Moment

brought to you by my  blonde baby sister, Babs.

Baby Sis calls every evening to kill the hour it takes her to get home from work. 
We were chatting about the faciast news channel, you know the one, when in mid sentence she stopped talking.

"Uh, Babs?!"

"Oh, sorry...I just stepped on the brakes and my brain stopped thinking."


Blondes are everywhere...Beware!!

Blondeconomy

Seeing as we are already headed in the direction of a socialist democracy after the purchase of banks and automobile dealers, I say the government should really go for the gusto and by up healthcare.

I went to the Doctor this morning to deal with asthma and ADD. By the time I was finished with an asthma treatment (since I refuse steroid inhalers) and the purchases at my pharma-mob regulated Wallgreens, I was seriously out of pocket.  They even demanded the leftover lint from the dryer. I assured them I was not packing lint, but they made me rabbit ear my pockets anyway.

I am one of those millions who don't have health insurance.  I can't afford insurance any more than I can afford  the ridiculous robbery of the pill pushing bullys on the block.

They are trying to freeze out the over-the-counter inhaler competitors by claiming Primatene mist contains ozone depleting properties. If it does, what the heck is it doing to my lungs?

As for the Adderall, at $660 for a 3 month supply, I will only be able to use two months supply and ear mark the rest to sell to college kids at 20 a pop for mental enhancement during finals to make back some of my funds.

Oh Crap!!

I just missed university finals by one week-its OK, though-I hear high school kids are rocking their cerebellum this week for their final exams. I will just hang out at the local Tasty Freeze down the street and wait for lunch time.  The extra cash from pill peddling will help pay for the hike in my over-the-counter allergy pills that jumped in price by $7 this past year. 

America!!

We are strung up by our ankles, dangling in front of the pharma society as they thwack us with their money hungry bats like we were human pinatas stuffed with cash.

I don't mean to get on my high horse about this, but I have a clearer view sitting up here and I don't want to mess up my Frye boots wallowing in the pharma culture dung that is piling up around us.

The Blonde needs a healthy agenda!!

 




12.15.2008

Poison Control

OK...technically, I might have ended up poisoning myself with nicotine. I am hopeful I will survive, but I will be on medical absence until late tomorrow. 

I am certain the MD will call me an idiot and send me home with a prescription for a tattoo that says:

"Warning, Blonde...use Extreme Caution"

The Blonde needs professional help!!

12.14.2008

Oh Tenanbaum

Oh, Tenembaum
your slowly killing me...

Oh, Tenembaum
Your sticky sap has left its mark
and I am doomed to death by allergy...

Yeah!!

It's December and I am back in Austin, which means I am beginning my mutation from normal fun loving blond to that hideous creature with half massed eyes and puffy nose with itchy hair and a groggy voice.

To spice up the true flavor of the allergy season, I bought too strong a strength of nicotine patches, to help me lose weight. The CQ 3 step program ('Good Book' not included) has given me nightmares, body aches, and lungs that breath in slump mode. My previous method of keeping the weight off was to skip dinner and have a few glasses of wine and a couple of Nat Sherman Fantasias, but since the weather has turned, it is no longer a pleasing diet plan to me. The patches, I thought, offered an inside solution until spring time, when I may sit on my beloved porch and be the decadent writer I truly love to be. Due to the unexpected side effects, I tried to remove the patch only to receive withdrawals that would usually plague someone with a two pack-a-day habit and uses heroine for night caps.

I would call CQ to complain but since I am too ill to eat, drink, or ever think of smoking again, I realize I have nothing to voice concern about. It seems the patches did work, after all, in a weird masochistic kind of way.

My cats are all to thrilled to have their surrogate slave back, even if it is in sick mode, and they have welcomed me home with the gift of cedar fever. They roll around on the ground and revel in the fallen spores as if they found a garden of catnip; they climb into my bed, sleep on my head, and need my hair until its matted to the pillow. It is out of great love for themselves they do this, ensuring their blonde quazi monstress will not be venturing out past their feeding ground of guilt any time soon, thus securing their future feasts by my hand.

This season, my Santa has an MD behind his name and will stuff my stocking with a plethora of little pills to squash those devil elves that bring stuffy nose, fever, and ache to all the naughty boys and girls on their list.

The Blonde Betty is singing the Holiday blues!!


12.11.2008

I Left My Heart in Santa Fe


Sadly I had to leave my pilot and come home. My only regret is not having used the fireplace for a romantic ending. I was not sad to leave Santa Fe, but I could feel my throat choke up at the thought of saying goodbye to my wing man.

I left just as the snow began to blanket the desert ground. I thought to myself that without a private hot tub, balcony with a view, and my fly guy, I wouldn't have seen the the full beauty of the snow as I had it painted it in my head, anyway.

I reached Dallas just before traffic was to hit so I waited it out in a lovely story book diner before attempting my ride back to Austin. As I headed out to my auto, the cold front whipped at my hair like only the breath of Jack Frost can blow. I got into my mechanically plagued jag and headed south only to find Jack's fury escalated and he began spitting sleet. I had to pull over because when attempting to turn on my wiper, the thing flew off quicker than Donner and Blitzen and jetted 30 feet over the guard rail. I was not about to get out of the vehicle and scamper on the side of the highway for my blade so I engine crawled the car along the shoulder until the nearest hotel approached...well, the nearest nicest hotel approached. The hotel was very zen and after losing my heart and my wiper blade...I was only too happy to settle into sanctuary for one evening.

In the morning I took off for Austin only to have my steering lock up and I had to veer off the road to safety. Once again, I crawled my antiquity to the nearest station and recapped my steering and headed home. In Austin less than 10 miles from my house, a driver in a beat up-pick up side-swiped my old darling. As I pulled over onto the shoulder, the other driver hit the gas and took off. My jag, the poor girl began to cry and cry like only a British car can. I let her vent for a minute before pulling back into traffic, rolling along the last stretch of tar until we found rest at mi Casa de familia.

My British beauty needs a little more attention than most but I adore her and though we had a few troubles along our way, I just can't imagine giving her up for something new.

Blondes will always love the older models!!

Santa Fe Foto Fest






Blonde's love a visual romance!!

12.10.2008

I Am


The Blonde dislikes being alone when traveling!!!

12.08.2008

Travelling Native Turf

The Blonde has finished her viewing of Santa Fe in less than a day and a half. Unless I am planning on writing the great American novel, oil painting on an enormous canvas, or sculpting large-scale pieces for bronzing, I fear boredom and naps will end up being my personal tour guide for the remainder of this visit.

Indian style art, jewelry, and clothing are really not my style so it was difficult to find a store that had something I liked, although I did manage to pull one rabbit out of the hat; Dry Goods Import had at least an armful of beautiful things that I really, really wanted. Alas, I had to leave the store empty handed since each piece of clothing cost a small fortune. If I had bought exactly what I wanted, it would have been the equivalent to a down payment on a recently repossessed house.

The evening proved to be a little livelier and a little more fun than I anticipated. I was treated to dinner with a small showcase of Broadway songs sung by the wait staff accompanied by the tapping of the ivory keys on a baby grand just a few feet from my table. Afterward, my Pilot and I traveled across town on foot in the crisp western winter air to a piano bar, which on this particular evening was featuring the local talent in a sort of karaoke style piano play. And while the local crooners were all very talented in their own right it was the piano player that took center stage. He had such an amazing talent that he could make Quasimoto sound like an angel.

Due to uncooperative weather, I am in Santa Fe for another day and so since I have yet to traverse Canyon Road; I will do that today and I am sure I will have fun sticking my nose up to the paintings all day. I would prefer the company of someone to enjoy the romance of this particular road but my pilot has other duties these days.


A Blondes natural habitat has more to offer!!

12.05.2008

Beginning Blonde Moments

Did I ever tell you the time...

I decided I didn't want bangs anymore. I wanted all long hair. To remedy the situation I took a pair of scissors and chopped my bangs down to my scalp.

Being blonde I did not foresee any problem. After cutting, however, I did see a slight error in my judgment. Not only did I have a row of stubble framing out my forehead but when it began to grow back it looked like an albino caterpillar had latched onto my head ready to build its cocoon.

I have many blonde beauty moments in my time but I still feel that this one took the frosting off the cake in one tongue lick. Right under that would be the time I decided to bleach my eyebrows to match the color of my hair!


Blondes should come with warning labels!!

12.04.2008

Crap, I Am Happy

What good is a happy writer?

I haven't been stopped by a police since last week. I haven't had dog dung on my clothes since the week before. My cars are getting repaired. I paid the Shylock off.

I even had an enjoyable dinner date last night!!

What the heck?!

Is it the season to be jolly already?

The only thing I have to complain about is my cellular stalker. I don't know how many weeks of him calling a trio of times per day and evening, only to receive no return call from me, it will take for my subtle hint that I am not interested to sink into his thick head, but I am hopeful.

After all, tis the season of giving and I am hoping he will GIVE up for both our sakes.


The Blonde finds more joy in receiving peace!

12.03.2008

The Family Shylock

You wouldn't think my Father a ruthless money lender, but he is.

Trust me!!! By the time he is finished with you, you wish he had just broken your knee caps.

"Can I cash your check?"

"Can I cash your check?"

"Can I cash your check?"

No matter the time of day or the place, if he sees you, he will ask...You feel like you have been stuck in the back of a station wagon with a kindergarten loan shark and no one will stop the car so you can kick the little tot to the curb.

"Do you have my money?"

"Did you make the deposit?"

"Can I cash the check?"

He systematically wears your mental psyche down until you can no longer take it and you begin teetering on the brink of insanity. He stops right at the point of you twiddling your fingers on your dangling bottom lip because he knows if the men in little white coats lock you up in a mental institution he won't get his money.

He backs down only to bring in the hired guns.

Yes, My Mom is on his payroll.

"Hi darling, how is Dallas. I am so happy for you. By the way..."

"Do you have your Father's money?"

"He is driving me crazy."

"Do you have the money to give him?"

"Call when you have the money."

The little gypsy is getting a percentage of the take.

Its been twelve hours since I borrowed the cashola and I am already thinking about knocking over a convenient store.

Blondes hate bad loans!!

12.01.2008

Bozo the Blonde

OK..so this weekend was grey and cold and I felt like lightening things up a bit. More to the point, I tried to lighten my own hair.

My color turned orange!! I looked like a clown gone rogue!

So...to kill two birds with one stone, I decided to pay my traffic fines and head straight to the salon, for an emergency correction, since it was on the way.

I paid my tickets, fixed my hair and got my nails done.

Its a gorgeous day, I am looking fine, I turn up the tunes and cruise back home.

And, Bam!!!

I was pulled over for cruising by the speed trap at a minimal 13 miles per hour.

It's the beginning of the December month and the road traps are everywhere.

I talked my way out of a second warning for inspection, registration, address change.

I would have been able to talk my way out of the speeding ticket but its understandably bonus time for the men in blue and they have Xmas shopping to do.

Normally I would be totally peeved about this second invasion of my driving time but my local peace officers but looking fab and on my way to Dallas tomorrow, I really have no care in the world.

I just look at it as supporting my community. With all the extra money the police have made from me this week, someone is getting a new bullet proof vest for the holidays.

Blondes aren't the only ones with their time of the month!!
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