9.29.2008

700 Billion Dollars

...should include a little something, something for the Blonde!!

I may not be able to cure the economy but after the party, you will be too hungover and too satisfied to care!!

AirForce One with a Bush Bobblehead saying,
"This way to the party" ...$190 million

Constitutional Sized Margarita machines ...$40 million

Congressional Wiggle Jello Shots..$10 million

Bipartisan DJ's ...$25 million

Giant Strobe Light from NASA ...$435 million



Not remembering where we left the economy...priceless!!



Blondes don't like to bail!!

9.28.2008

I am not Dead

I am just not posting at the moment. Give me a day to download my new material..


I am a Gay Man in a Woman's Body

Texas Needs Babysitters, Seriously

..and I totally had a wicked Blonde Moment


all yours to read if you stick with me through this writing crisis!!!



Blondes hate being blocked in!!!

9.25.2008

No Pay

Craigslist really needs to add a 'No Pay' sub-category to their site.

I know there must be a huge slew of folks wanting to spend their gas money driving to and fro from a job that offers absolutely no benefit except for a pat on the back and all the junk food you can scarf down to help you ruin a girlish figure.

I worked for free on several indie shorts, and in the spirit of paying back the favor, I should offer free advertising on my blog. But really, didn't I already provide them a favor?! We're even!

Unless your an actor or actress, or are an integral part of a lighting crew, or man a camera, or building references; playing PA on a film has no real pay out. You won't work yourself up the corporate ladder making sure the lunch is set.

I could be wrong? The head of MGM just might like the way you slather mayo on his BLT, in one smooth stroke, enough to think you would be an asset in his business development office as a schmoozer.


The jobs that are offered for free aren't ones that warrant any respect nor any tutelage other than what you can gather on your own by standing around and listening from a distance of 20ft. away. Being a lowly PA does not warrant being up close and personal with the director, no matter how unfamous he is or will remain to be.

I learned that even on little sets that produce little movies with little budgets, big heads exist!!

If you really want to learn how films are done, take some classes in film or better yet, hire an excellent crew, who know what they are doing, and just become a Director!

As far as being a PA...from what I know, taking out the trash doesn't do anything for anyone's career unless they are a janitor!!

Blondes are worth every dime!!

9.24.2008

Dear Parents

...of children under the age of 8.

Please understand that restaurants are not daycares with drinks. Your children do not need to be running around, screaming and playing tag while you blissfully filter out the noise you are so used to hearing on a daily basis.

I and every other customer do not have this ability to ignore high pitched screeches from little girls as big brother pulls on their ponytail as they dash around our tables. Nor do we laugh when they knock into the table and spill our frozen margaritas making everything sticky.

I am not a babysitter nor a bathroom attendant in a dacyare pottie. I would appreciate you accompany your little ones to the lue. I realize its extremely fun to bat the toilet paper until it comes off the role, my cats love it too!! That is the very reason cats aren't allowed in restaurants; you can't control them. Their manners are atrocious. You can't teach a cat to be polite and act accordingly without them thwacking you with a claw and laughing hysterically at you.

On the other hand, parents can be taught!! Some parents need to learn that society is made up of everyone and being respectful of others is the first lesson in teaching proper social etiquette to their children.

If you want a night out with your family, shouldn't the family be together, at the same table, all sitting down, enjoying each other?!

Blondes just want a little social change!!

9.22.2008

PA is not for Pennsylvania

I am back in Austin working as a PA on an Indie Short.

I didn't realize that standing around all day trying to be quiet would be so exhausting!!


The Blonde will be back after a brief intermission!!

9.18.2008

Continental to the Rescue



Thank Gah!! Continental is offering no advance purchase specials to victims of Ike.

I have just became a victim.
After dealing with savage conditions like a broken wine opener and the fact I forgot underwear, I am forced to hand wash, on a nightly basis, the one pair of panties I wore down here and the bikini I always pack, in case of emergency. I was not in panic mode because I thought in a day or two, I could replenish with a stop to the VS.

I just learned that Victoria Secret is still closed and will not reopen for another week. Sure, food is available, even gas but nail salons and lingerie stores apparently are not a priority. Are we not civilized here?

I can live without electricity, a broken wine opener, even without air condition, but living without putting on a fresh pair of cotton boy shorts with matching bra is mandatory!!

I need to find humanity and a fresh pair!!
Thanks to my fly boys at Continental, all hope is not lost.

I am flying out on the 'no advance notice' $129, over 500 miles ( $69 under 500), that Continental is offering to Houstonians until the 19th(must be used by the Oct 1st) in search of cute cupcake endowed panties and bra!!


Blondes need sanitary conditions!!

Go Back to India

My efforts to physically partake in the animal rescue has been thwarted.

No one is allowed on Galveston Island without official business. As a volunteer, I am not offically worthy!!

People were in line on the parkway for two hours before reaching a peace officer that bluntly told them to return from whence they came. They were not allowed in to see what has happened to their homes and their belongings. Its totally understandable their anger and frustration in this regard. The peace officer was also frustrated and in one instance he through a racial out lash at an Indian man in a minivan who was a little unruly.

Hey, we all have have had to deal with an unruly Indian man at one time or another whenever we have a credit dispute and our credit card company directs us overseas to deal with it but that doesn't make anyone want to throw disrespect their way.

Your a civil servant trying to keep the peace. If you can't handle being civilized in the midst of chaos, you don't deserve your badge!!



After dealing with a day long affair of bad juju in the air, it was time to blow off some steam at a local pub in the Woodlands.

After a few much needed Pinots, it was time for me to use the ladies lue. Imagine my frustration when I saw the sign pointing to a bookcase.

While I was waiting under the sign for some magical door to reveal itself, another patron came by and swung open the bookcase.

Poof!!

Magic!!

I feel like an idiot!!

Duh!!

When I got back to my table there was a slue of peace officers obviously looking for someone. They headed to the restrooms and stood under the same sign as I did, looking just as puzzled as I did.

All I could think about is how ironic the situation was.

The Indian dude followed the signs only to be frustrated not to find a way in too!!



Blondes aren't the only ones that are dumb!!

9.17.2008

Helping the Cows Come Home




...and every other animal that has been displaced by the storm is on my agenda today but they do not need more volunteers, they do however need donations. Even a $5 donation will help.

Over a thousand horses and cows have drowned but there are at least 15,000 still needing help.
As far as helping animals over humans?

Its no contest for me this time especially after seeing the behavior of people who feel they are owed a generator so they can have air conditioning to watch their daytime television!! 

You can live without television and air conditioning for a few days!!

At least you have a house!!

Help out someone that doesn't gripe the world owes them something because they got left behind in the storm!!

Habitat for Horses

Houston SPCA

Blondes are donating to the Redneck Education Fund!!

Double Ikes!!


The mounties and the gates are guarding the gas pumps trying to keep people in line, literally and figuratively. There was one woman who blocked the pump because she refused to pay for premium..unfortunately premium was all that was left. I don't know what happened to that situation because my focus quickly moved to the grocery store.

I looked in the carts of shoppers and my mouth was barely able to remain quiet.

Is it really that important to rush out of your house to grab four cases of soda?

What?

Are you afraid you giant Houstonian arse might widdle away without its daily recommended 250 grams of sugar carbs?





The obese population of Houston ( #4 on the city of fatties list) loves their fast food and no natural disaster is going to stop them from woofing down on a double bacon flamed broiled whopper while their cars burn the very gas everyone is waiting in line for, waiting in the drive thru.

Can you say Super Size Me, Stupid!!


The Blonde knows better than that!!

9.16.2008

Ikes!!






I just hit Houston and this is what I found after traversing empty gas stations and broken branches starting 30 miles outside the Harris County line. I am just thankful that my babies made the trip safely and I was able to tuck them away until I need them after a hard days work!!





Blondes need to be prepared for the worst!!

9.15.2008

Will Call

One of my ex's from Texas needed me tonight.

He escaped the storm, coming to Austin, with a girl before the Ike hit. The girl left him alone, sick and with the hotel tab while she bailed on him for someone else!!

What kind of girl does that to one of my nice ex boyfriends?!

He has the flu, his animals are in an Austin shelter, and she left him without a car!!

I am not going to ask questions and I am not going to make snap judgments.

So, I took a minute to think about it..

She's a jerk and I hope karma kicks her bum while hanging on her other beau's boat this week on Lake Travis.

I have to take my wounded ex home to Houston tomorrow because of his animals not being kosher with rental cars, but to make light of a bad situation, I have planned a few rendezvous with some potential boyfriend material in Houston while I am there.

I am also loading my car with tons of bottled water for the water logged Galvestonians!!

Its amazing how well I handle a crisis.



Being charitable is good for a Blonde!!

9.14.2008

Declawing Women

Seriously girls, you don't have to dig your claws in the back of a man that deeply to keep him. As a matter of fact, it doesn't mean you will get to keep him.

I swear the way some women behave, you would think there aren't enough men in the world to go around.


There are plenty, so loosen up!!

Seriously!!

I went out with the Captain and had to fend for a ride home on my own because he ran into a past fling that bogarted the entire evening and wasn't letting go. I had a fine time under the full moon on the deck of the club entertaining myself with my camera and photo ops with the patrons lacking good fashion sense.

Still I couldn't help but think how ridiculous this feline was. She was trying to get rid of me in such a 'caring' manner' telling me how tired I was and how I wanted to go home.

Actually, I did want to go home especially after she showed up!! Three is a crowd when one is insecure!!

She also was caring enough to try and hook me up with one of the gents at the billiard tables.

The Captain was drunk and I could see she was frustrated that I wasn't taking the hints so I excused myself and went home for his and my sake but only after she started kicking it up when she thought he was suggesting we stay in a hotel room together.

No menage toi!!

No menage toi!!

Duh!!


I was not planning on staying with him in an hotel room but I was going to end the evening with my friend whom I began the night with.


I think I have had enough of the Captain and his kitties. Let him pluck the claws out of his back by himself. His women are tiring and silly to a Blonde like me!!



Blondes date humanely!!

9.13.2008

Hurricane Party

Not a drop of rain here in Austin but the wind is kicking a bit and the sky is gloomy.

I love it. I remember hurricane parties on the beach in N.C.. We would stay up all night waxing our boards in the candlelight and drink tequila until we couldn't stand. We would talk of the waves we would catch in the morning and play kiss in the dark.

Of course we never had to go through a class 2 hurricane (would that be orange or green in George W numbers?) but we did party through some real gusts and of course we made a drinking game out of it. Every time the candles blew out, you drank!!

It was a grand ole time for a bunch of college girls that didn't own anything that would have been missed if damaged or drowned in the 'cane. Other than our boards and our boyfriends we were safe from any collateral damage.

Speaking of collateral damage. We have a small disaster forming in Austin. Beside the winds blowing in, so have three of my Houston men. Seems the storm had them evacuate to their lake houses in the Hill country.

All of them!!

This weekend!!


I am whipping up excuses and rearranging schedules with as much fury as Ike.

I will keep you posted through the eye of my men!!


Blondes hate getting caught in a storm!!

9.12.2008

I Walk the Line

Oh, I walked more than my share of the line alright.

I walked my toes off in New York City and I ran my bum off in Central Park. Each time walking and running twice as far to get back to my original destination because I got lost most of the time. I would use the subway, go in the wrong direction, and have to walk back and start over.

And what did I get for all my walking and running?

2 pounds!!!

2 freaking pounds added to my body!!

The same thing happened to me in Heidelberg, Germany!!

I walked up the northern part of the Königstuhl hillside three times for three different men and I gained three pounds. They too have a train system, but my bubbled up blonde brain couldn't grasp the german language enough to read the signs correctly and not accidentally end up on the other side of communism.

You think walking up and down Manhattan, schlepping shopping bags, and my gigantic hobo would have widdled my body down to wafe like status, especially when I was careful to starve myself to death for the fashion shows. Not that I am ever going to be thin enough to be blown down by air but I wouldn't mind being thin enough for a strong wind to shove me to the ground.

I blame men!

I would have stuck to the stravation plan, and come back the size of a snap pea,
if it were not for men.

They took me to fabulous places, with fabulous food, and wonderful wines!!

What are they thinking?!

Men?!


Blondes can't live without them!!

9.10.2008

Home on the Range

Back in Texas!!



Blondes needs to rest before composing!!!

9.09.2008

I Miss My Cats!!

I miss my gender species confused, rabbit hopping, tongue dangling, petting needing Peppy.

I miss Sophie and feeding her the filling of a twinkie and watching her eyes go half massed as if she just had a hit of crack.

I miss Lela and her long conversation in cat speak that I will never understand but listen intently all the same.

I miss Maverick and watching football with him in the leather chair.

I miss Goose even though he hates me and my other cats.

I miss Boo and Jesus and all the saints in my army of social misfits.

I miss blasting mp3's in my car and valeting at the mall.

I miss margaritas and the Captain making me laugh about Asian spas.

I miss my jag that leaks, my Saab that shakes, and my bike that needs new tires.

I miss sailing in the summer night wind.

I miss home.

I miss work.

I miss belonging somewhere.

I just wish I knew 'where' was.


The Blonde has bitten off a little more of the Apple than she can chew!!

New York Fashion Week in a Day

A day is all it took for me to see what everything was about.

I definitely will hire a car for the events next year. Having to a hail a cab in a crowd of other arms waiving them down forced me to move several blocks away to find one of my own. In my wrap around stillettos it became a bit of a bore to feel my feet scream at me for the umpteenth time.

Do you see what your doing to us?

Do you?

Do you see these blisters?!

We have pounded the pavement for your writing career?


We don't even read!!

You don't appreciate us. You don't care about us. You just care about you and all your weight is wearing us down.

Take us to the spa or we are shutting down, right now!!!

My feet shut down. I literally could not walk another inch and so I stood outside the Promenade tent in a massive wave of other arms, waiting the tide to turn my way and cast a yellow chariot in my direction to surf me and my precious feet home.

In appreciation of my feet, I took them to a spa and spent a little extra extra something for a happy ending.

A paraffin wax treatment and French manicure!!

Blondes like twinkle toes!!

9.08.2008

Needless to Say


This will be my preferred mode of transit today. I am dressed in a Diesel dress with 3" heels and my Fendi bag for the shows today.

Texas

taxi

Texas

taxi

Blondes think home is calling!!

9.06.2008

HomeSick

...maybe a little yesterday. I was a bit tired of walking, afraid I might be running out of money, and wondering how do you go to fashion week in heels and designer dress without hiring a car service.

I am certainly not wearing a Luca Luca or anything else expensive, for that matter, down in the basement of the grubby subway. I don't mean to be rude but I am a bit
of a germaphobe and when confronted with suspect environments my brain bubbles up double time with thoughts like:

How many men went to the lue and didn't wash their hands. Women even if they don't wash at least have tissue paper between their girly part and their hand.

A man's hand...right on it!!

So I am touching a pole in the subway that has been touched by a thousand men who touch their wiggle stick...

Ergo, I am touching a thousand wiggle sticks!!


The Blonde needs a raincoat for hands!!

9.05.2008

Under-Dressed, Moi?!



Oh, No, No...Yes!!

It was a plethora of fun summer dresses at the U.S. Open. These just happened to be walking in front of me. I was sporting my armadillo brown summer dress with Ralph Lauren sandals, a brown leather paisley hobo, and matching driver's cap.

I did notice the more fashionistas were sitting in the lower decks. Things got a bit more comfortable in clothing the higher I got in the promenades. I felt so detached from the game being incredibly high in the deck, being alone wasn't fun, and so I left before Federer started to play.

I went cruising the shops. I was wanting for the little cable knit sweater dress ($375) in the Ralph Lauren store, a new racket from the Wilson store, and finally a pair of cool tennis sneaks at the Nike shop. Unfortunately nothing was purchased. This trip has cost more and paid less than I thought and one must conserve their finances for more important endeavors like daily incidentals for the next week.

I am supposed to go to the Luca Luca show on Tuesday but quite frankly, I don't want to go anymore.

I don't have anything to wear!

I couldn't fit my designer hobo bags in my suitcase, I brought all the completely wrong pairs of shoes, my hair needs trimming, my nails are a horrible wreck, and I have blisters all over my once pretty little toes from walking around town in new sandals.


I am having a fashion meltdown, people!!!

I really, really wanted that sweater dress!!


Blondes prefer buying to shopping!!!

Lucky 7's


Just a photo I took as I crossed over the wooden planks to the Open.

Blondes like playing with pictures!!

9.04.2008

The Subway is Grey


New things need to be very black and white for this Blonde, especially when it comes to directions. If it were not for the step-by-step guide dictated to me over and over again plus writing it down multiple times, I would have failed miserably in my first attempt to use the subway system. I held onto those scribbled pieces of paper ( kept one in my back pocket, one in my handbag, and one in my hand) like they held the only code to stop a nuclear missile strike on mankind.


I chose Federer and Mueller as two excellent reasons to break my subway cherry. I go down the stairs at 56th and 3rd and pop my debit card in the machine choosing only a $7 pass (good for 4 swipes—it says rides but as long you stay behind the twirly gate, you can ride as much as you want—so its by swipes).

Next I went through the twirly gate spotting a couple that was going to the Open as well. How did I know? She had a strapless plaid J Crew dress with gold flips and he was sporting a white ball cap and Ray-ban aviators. I knew where they were headed and I was going to use them as my secret tour guide to the event.

UH OH

They were steering away from the directions on my note card and I had strict instructions to follow my notes, not strangers that look like they might be going to the Open, and so as much as I wanted to follow them like I was a lemur baby clinging to my pack, I stayed firmly planted on my side of the track.

I am glad I didn’t stray!!

I maneuvered the trains like I was a pro, well a football pro with the game book in his hands.

Speaking of football, I am logging out to watch my Skins play the Giants…

Stop laughing!!

Blondes don't bail when times are tough!!!

9.03.2008

Austin, your High!!

Thanks y'all for acclimating me to the high cost of living.

Because of you I haven't felt the slighest pinch in my Gucci pocketbook. Groceries, take out, restaurants, department stores, and even specialty boutiques. I am paying the equivalent or less for the same caliber and sometimes even better, and I am in New York for crike sakes!!



Blondes like training sessions!

Subway is for Sandwiches

...not for tooling this Blonde around the city. Even though I have studied the subway map and am certain I will have absolutely no problem using it. I don't plan on using it until an emergency situation.

I spent an entire summer in Hong Kong without having to use the train, I think I can handle New York without the trains, for the next several weeks. Besides, I am still enjoying the streets and what they have to offer me in way of little boutiques and bistros.

I recently relocated from 52nd to 85th on the east side near Lexington and its a whole new world to discover. I have already picked out several places for quick and quiet lunches and will run in the park cutting across to do a little 'Whole Food' shopping at Time Water Center tomorrow.

I am disappointed in the recycling I haven't seen. Come on New York...get a little greener!!

Blondes love greenery!!

9.02.2008

Loving the Scenery in New York





...and still icksnay on the ubsway!!!

Blondes like changing view points!!

9.01.2008

Noway Subway!


I am not climbing aboard just quite yet.

Trying to ride the subway today was just like the first time I tried to jump off the high dive. Once I was up on the board I couldn't let go of the hand rails to walk the plank of doom. I wanted to come back down the ladder quicker than a ho on a man's ying yang!!
I was not ready and although they tried to block me and encourage me to jump, I was not about to attempt something I wasn't ready for!

I feel the same way today about the rail system. I am not ready. I stood at the top of the stairs that lead down to the platform. I felt I was 12 years old again and having to shut the lights off downstairs in the wine cellar. I would carefully walk down the hollowed stairwell, listen for the boogie man or any sign of creepy creatures, then quietly lean over without leaving the last step to flip the switch, and run like a jack rabbit banshee up the stairs to the monster free zone.


I am still walking and desperately wanting the comfort of my wheels left back home but I am determined to try again tomorrow. I will be brave and walk down the stairs of adversity and peak at my fears...

Without letting my foot of the safety step.

Baby steps!

Baby steps!

Blondes don't like going down!!
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