5.29.2008

Running from the Law

...or at least not relinquishing to his alert.

I was stuck in traffic with my top down and I took the seat belt off because in the SAAB it presses down on your shoulder. Great design if your going to role, bad comfort design if your sitting in the sun.

The traffic was at a standstill. Not much moving in the opposite direction either.

I was busy picking out tunes on my player when the warning beep from a police perpetrated my ear drum.

I looked up and over the grassy knoll of the median a "peace" officer is trying desperately to navigate his way through a statuary highway.

I think he wanted me?!

Hhhmmm...

Oops!

Uh Oh!!

Like an unbelievably shy freshman girl who just got winked at by the senior varsity running back...My eyes jumped to my beltless chest in a gazelle like sprint.

My mind ran even faster as hundred dollar bills flashed before my eyes.

I took my little ragtop off the beaten path, cutting through only a few vehicles as I maneuvered it to the nearest emergency exit, which happened to be the parking lot of a church. Thank goodness it was Catholic. I have an affiliation so technically speaking (in my mind) I have been given sanctuary on this little get away; but just to be safe I will include a drive by prayer for the 'Mega Famous Religious Icon of Our Times' next time I am in his pray pad.

On my way home, I enjoyed the scenery that was brought to me by the little detour through Westlake Hills-- with my belt on, of course. I wasn't about to tempt fate a second time especially when divine intervention offered up a free pass through the Almighty's parking lot.


I don't want to sound ungrateful but I still have to do something about ther chafing fabric against my skin. I wonder if Hermes sells something that doesn't look like a fuzzy maxipad strapped to my shoulder belt?



Blondes hate being part of the click!!

5.28.2008

Brain freeze



has gotten me to thinking about the polar bears. My slushy cup could actually help save the fuzzy ice laden cuddlies or at least the technological advances that go into making my cup could help. No reason for nature not to share in the fruits of our destructive labors.

I am talking about Styrofoam, my friends or Stryrofoam--Polar Bear's friend!

Big molded mountainous heaps of it floating with an anchor out in the middle of the ocean or sea or wherever polar animals roam. A virtual floating lounge chair offered as salvation and rest until they can swim another thousand miles for eats and treats.

I do not share the opinion of my office buddy, as we are forced to squint during a a daring inhalation on our slurpees spoon/straw, who says polar bears should go extinct if they aren't smart enough to adapt to changing climate conditions.
I wonder what would happen if we turned the heat up in the loft and let the water evaporate from her cat's bowls? I am fairly certain she would find a way to find water even from a thousand miles away. The Polar bears aren't mucking up the planet and driving humans to extinction. They aren't turning up the heat and evaporating the earth.

The Chinese are doing that, well, mostly the Chinese!!

Since they have already gotten a severe tongue lashing from Sharon Stone, I will spare mine. Of course I might have blamed the sudden release of energy in the Earth's crust that created a seismic wave which in turn caused said land to shift and break apart to create a natural damn and flooding for most of their problems but karmic retribution for the Tibetans, wasn't bad.

If I were going to push the envelope like Sharon and you know I like to.
I would say the Tibetans had their hand in a curse on the Chinese.

Think about it.

There was voodoo and flooding in New Orleans.

Coincidence?!

I don't know?! Lets ask Sharon!

Sharon can you open your legs wider, noone can hear you answer?!


Anyhoo,

Polar bears can't change that quickly. Can we?! I hope so.

But until that day comes lets throw a little landfill in the water. Let's recycle styrofoam and make resting stops for the bears. I know what it feels like to miss the last rest stop on the highway and having to practice continence for what seems like the space between a double wide continent and the next ceramic disposal unit.

In an emergency I can always pull over and find a tree.

I am just asking that we put an emergency pee tree in the ocean for the animal-polars.

If your with me on this, email the idea to the World Wildlife Fund. Click on the Monkey reading the paper in my links and help me spread the idea.


Blondes brake for squirrels too!!

Maxing my Memory




Remember Max Headroom. I haven't thought about him since MTV stopped playing music videos and replaced monuments like Dire Straights and Tom Petty with reality sick shows and Flave. We should all be grateful to him for wearing the clock around his neck to distract from his fugly mug.

Its funny how things just sit at the back of our head and years later something gets plucked from the back of the hippocampus: its the cortical structure, neural pathways that connect to the cortex which are all heavily involved in declarative memory–the memory of facts and events.

Seeing as no two people are alike nor political parties, no two facts or memory recount will be the same. One remembers their side and the other remembers their side and no one is right and every one is wrong. S-s-s-see why I put Max at the top?

Its as if our synapsis' are like tiny little bumper cars moving about the brain and getting knocked back in thought by a blonde brain bubble.

Its a phenomenon that the medical society hasn't seemed to grasp onto as a plausible study of which they could obtain sizable research grants--I am sure. I think their is an educational validity to studying brain farts. Really I do.

President Bush has them all the time. Don't we want to dissect and s-s-s-s study his brain--especially as elusive as his thought process is?!
The Republicans realized early in the show that they needed a big bumbling head because putting Dick or Connie in front scared little children and a majority of adults.

Dems and Pubes will always have different recounts of events and facts especially during an election year. They will try to distract us with their avatars and we forgetting about past elections and broken promises will watch them with the same enthusiasm as when Max moved to his own sitcom. We will sit obediently and watch the political heads speak of change but unfortunately like Max who is only twenty minutes into the future, our candidates are only that far into a campaign, not a Presidency. What we are seeing is only the tip of the promising iceberg that eventually will melt under the heat of opposition and the reality will settle in and like the polar bears, we will struggle to keep our heads afloat a little longer.


One things is-s-s-s for sure. Its going to be a bumpy ride over the political landscape with all these bubble heads!!



Blondes like being independent!!

5.27.2008

City Girl ....

is back to being urban.


I am missing out on a significant amount of counter culture hanging with an older posse. For now, I just want to hang with carbon based life forms in my own age bracket before the ancient ones deplete any more of my youth.


I need to be surrounded by the true speakers of our generation. Techno Hippies man!! I dig the artists, musicians, and the social site freakies (I say that with love)of my culture class. I want to hang with life participants that can enter the carnival ride without being fore-warned that some rides are dangerous to the heart and we all know I am one of those rides.

This summer I am not the trophy girl sitting quietly by as deals are made. I am trading in my pearls for my pookas and I will be coasting around the town before I decide if I want to hit LA for my writing career!!


Indiana Blondes are back!!

5.20.2008

Hell hath No Fury

like a blonde stuck in traffic class.

Why does everything associated with the DMV have to be so grungy and I am including the patrons of said spots.

Traffic class is a round up of everyone who feels cleanliness is reserved only for special dinners at Olive Garden or Marie Calenders.

"Whippy lets git dressed and have Dairy Queen food served on china!!"

I am fairly certain I alienated everyone in the class yesterday. There might be one or two left that have to be converted back to whence they came. I am definitely not warm and fuzzy when it comes to being polite in phleebville.

Of course once they realize the pretty blonde isn't extra sweet with sugar on top, they make special point to talk smack. I deserve it.

Smack away kids...I don't shy away from intimidation tactics, as a matter of fact, I revel in them. Maybe if I pop a few xanax before class I can be some what civil to these Oprahnites but than where would my fun be?


I might have been a little less than diplomatic when it came to the idiot laughing about hitting a tree while totally intoxicated but come on!!

Bragging about getting totally wasted, DUDE... for your 911...is lamer than my vibe version of the account.


DuDe, Dude..were not drunk enough to drive. Stop at your sisters house and get another 12 pack of Coors ( pronounced curz by the hillbilly affiliate).


I feel I am doing everyone a favor when I show no mercy to the "too ill equipped to have a brain fart" phleeb. I know everyone gets on the defensive when they are confronted with someone pointing out their idiocy. Its OK, I will take it, especially when I could save a life by making this guy think for a moment that the tree he smashed could have been a family in a car.

I'm not judging, OK, maybe I am but some people just don't think far enough into their actions. Life is like a chess game. Its a series of moves you think in your head before ever laying out your first pawn. Along the way the strategy may have to be changed up and you may not win every time but at least your not running over a rook with a truck.

Come on peeps, my family and friends share the road with you...so be COOL!!


Blondes like steering the way!!

5.19.2008

Still in the Country...

...mode.
I really need to get back to the city but until then, in light of the CMT awards, I wrote another little diddy for y'all. I seem to be thinking with a heavy country accent when writing these songs so the blog has a bit of a twang to it this week.
I guess its my way of getting into character when I write, which BTW, has inspired me to write another song and feature it tomorrow.

Its a little number I call, "The Trophy Needs Polishing".
You'll never guess what the metaphor is until you read it.
So stay tuned little darlins.

Im sure it will tickle your fancy!!

Anyhoo..heres todays featured song



Two Drunks don't make a right


Its the middle of the night
Its both our fault
Were to drunk to talk
Lets just go for a walk


Two drunks don’t make it right
It just makes it easier
For us to get over a fight


You with your tequila
And me with my beer
Doesn’t look good from here
wait till our heads are clear

Two drunks don’t make it right
It just makes it easier
For us to get over a fight


I push all your buttons
And you push all mine
We don’t need to drink more wine
In the morning we’ll be fine

Two drunks don’t make a right
It just makes it easier
For us to get over a fight


Were about to lose
Look what were doing wrong
we seem to drink way too long
You and I ain't that strong

Two drunks don’t make a right
It just makes it easier
For us to get over a fight


If were going to survive
old habits are hard to break
but that’s what we need to take
for our family’s sake


Two drunks don’t make a right
It just makes it easier
For us to get over a fight


Blondes are still rocking, its just in a porch chair at the moment!!

Scrap the Crap...

I needed to pick up a scrapbook for a friend.

I just needed a normal black book with black or white pages to stick photos and letter into, like the ones I am familiar with. I did not realize that 'scrap booking' is a major industry with its own section at the craft store.

To find a plain leather bound book without the words 'memory' or 'moment' stitched or printed on the front, I had to sift and wade through shelves of albums created by the Martha Stewart Home collection to match your walls, in creamy pastel puke me paint coordinated colors.

Come on seriously, how many shades of robin's egg blue and eggshell does one really need?

I remain a true blonde and if I am ever caught in a craft store discussing whether the puffy stickies over the velvet stickies would work better with the puke me paint album cover...pleez, pleeez, just shoot me!!

Anyhoo,


They have an entire section of scrapbook material from little suitcases to organize your plethora of 'scrapbook' crap such as stickers, scissors, background paper, lettering, glitter, blah, blah ,blah. You name it, they have it. Its like putting a Myspace site together minus the music and video player but I am sure they aren't that far behind Hallmark.

I wonder which of the two scrapbooks, virtual or real, will stand the test of time?

Which one will be around in 100 years?

There are scrolls thousand of years old that still provide answers and details of ancient times. My Grandmother's old photos and her great, great Grandmother's hand written letters are sitting in a shoe box on a shelf in my Mothers closet just as good as the day she wrote them. While digital mediums such as floppies, old tapes, and film need million dollar temp controlled rooms to survive as little as a few decades.

Will the internet be able to go the dame distance? Will future generations find any educational advantage to Hello Kitty stickers and 'pimp me' induced sites on the web.

As far as digital medium is concerned, I have to ask? Who can keep track of those tiny memory cards? I can't! I have a habit of reusing them, moving files around, crashing computers, and losing half of my photos. Its the present day version of forgetting to process rolls of film only to discover them years later and developing pink grainy art and the loss of photos.

For now, Myspace and Ofoto seem an easier solution for me but for my ancestors and for preservation, what does the future hold for these sites?

The National Institute of Standards and Technology (NIST), still cannot give a precise time line for the deterioration of many of the formats we currently rely on to store precious digital records. A recent report by NIST researcher Fred R. Byers notes that estimates vary from 20 to 200 years for popular media such as the CD and DVD, and even the low end of these estimates may be possible only under ideal environmental conditions that few historians are likely to reproduce in their homes or offices.

Digital preservation should be big business along with finding ways to properly discard the multitude of obsolete objects the world is in store for.


Blondes aren't throwing away their shoe boxes just yet!!

5.17.2008

Goin' Country

or at least my writing is for the moment.

Seeing as I am hanging with a a hayseed cowboy in the music industry, its only natural to be inspired to write a country song. I don't know a lick about music but I assume its just poetry set to sound.

Anyhoo...

My country song....y'all!!!

Women don't play fair



I guess you thought I’d be easy
Thats why you came over to the bar
You asked me for a drink
Making sure he wasn’t that far

Kept the conversation going
To be sure he wouldn’t miss
You leaning into me
And giving me one hell of a kiss

damn that pretty face, long legs
and shiny hair
men don’t stand a chance
cause women just don’t play fair


I knew you were trouble
I should have been on my way
you weren’t thinking of me
When you begged me to stay


You were looking for a fight
And you put me in the middle
You got your boys attention
and played us both like a fiddle


Damn that pretty face, long legs
and shiny hair
men don’t stand a chance
cause women
just don’t play fair


Blondes are a little bit country but we still rock!!

5.14.2008

In a Double Blonde Test

I mean double blind....what the hell is a double blind test?


Who goes to the Obesity Institute and what kind of degree can you obtain?


Seriously, are fat people stupid?

Because these con artists have ample funds for advertising which I am subjected to in the morning when listening to CMT so by a few degrees of separation...fat people have gotten on my nerves.

Diet and exercise are the only things known to man to lose weight unless you have stretched your stomach out to the size of a Buick and need stapling to manage your elephant like hunger.

I would love to scarf down a Big Mac and super size me fries with a diet coke, but I don't because I love the way I look more than I love Micky Ds...

and if my hands weren't busy holding my flamed broiled whopper...I would tell you what I really think!!

I have to go now and climb a beanstalk for my cardio workout.



Blondes don't buy magic beans!!

5.13.2008

The mouse can run up the clock...

I am too lazy and not enough crazy to go after my watch. I am just not that motivated to be vindictive. It would be nice to shell out the karma myself one day but its just not who I am. It seriously takes too much effort to be mean spirited. I have seen girls plot and scheme with the vengeance of a corporate take over. If I had that ability, I would be taking over corporations like Gordon Gecko...not wasting time on an insignificant other. Besides, my watch is tainted now anyway.

So how does a blond rectify the situation you ask?


Well just like replacing a man...


She goes shopping for a new one!!


Overstock.com has my stainless steal Tag for half the retail.


Blondes like throwing money at the problem!!

5.12.2008

Cut Me Up and place me in a Paper bag

After numerous attempts this morning to resize my sationary, I have found I possess the distinct inability to cut paper straight.

I downloaded a bunch of emails that I have formed into a one act play. I want a certain size paper to bind in little leather portfolio covers to send to play houses in New York and Conneticut. It is this project that has me stumbling across the fact that Southpaws can't cut paper well.

Thank god this is the digital age and anything can be acheived with only a few pecks, taps, and clicks on a keyboard...which I happen do brilliantly.


Which brings me to the point of crooked lines. I know if I fail at one thing, I will always succeed at another and it is with this knowledge that I will continue to press forward in my writing career. At the moment the sky is the limit because I am still dreaming of my bi-coastal living status once I become famous.


For now, I am just going to order the proper sized stationary and focus only on things I know I am good at. I hear paper cutters have been replaced with machines anyway!!


Blondes need to keep their eyes on the prize!!

Tick, Tock...Tick, Tock

I want my watch back!!

My 'cheap fake Tag' (as he described) from China which I will come to realize might have already been tossed in the trash but still, I feel like I must try to retrieve it. Since the timepiece holds great memories and has sentimental value of which I hold far more regard to than that of street value.

Usually I wouldn't resort to such behavior as sending letters to his friends and family asking them to ask him to return the watch. His vulgarity and basic need to project his insecurity and self hatred onto me seems to have crossed a line that I feel gives me license to resort to a slight intrusion into the lives of others.

Why should I be the better person? I am always the better person. Maybe I just want to set an example or maybe I really just want my watch back?


Does it really matter the reason?

At the moment, I gave him a personal invitation to return the watch by Friday. If it isn't back by then, I will know his intentions. I am going to send out a lovely note card on linen paper imploring the gentle souls around him to retrieve my 'cheap tag' wrist watch.

If I don't get it back, I can at least revel in the fact I was a bit scandalous; which would be a first for me and I can't think of a single, more appropriate individual to bestow this privelage to. Can you?


The Blonde think its time to fight back!!!

5.08.2008

Illuminating Thoughts

I noticed that my complexion and traffic both sport a lighter look. Unfortunately, it seems the look is more flattering on the streets than on my skin.

I seriously need to spend some time in the sun. I have the mimimal amount of pigment to distinguish me from that of an albino and an eggshell wall. I am not even a pretty creamy white; I am more of a speckled cream and white berber carpet color.

A much needed color coating must come this weekend either through surf and sun or the spa?!

Looking at the cost of airline tickets and petrol, it looks like I will be sloughing asnd spraying skin at the spa this weekend.


Since my car isn't the only one that doesn't run on the remnants of a million stalks of corn, the price of the dinosaur gas has actually helped clear the roads for me during my ride to and from work. I don't know if it is due to lay-offs, techies doing more work remotely from their home, or just the working peeps waiting out peak drive time so they don't sit in traffic and waste gas; which happens to be very good for the environment. Do you have any idea how much Texans like their trucks and SUV's?

Its all good!!

If Hillary could see how well this gas crisis is working out for me and the environment, she could move on and focus on trying to solve real issues like raising wages, keeping jobs in the U.S., and keeping the drug companies from raping us every time we sneeze.


Oh yes, the increase of funds could help secure things like food and housing. I hear it is a big priority for families at the moment!!


For me, I would like to see the freaking valet prices drop downtown! Seriously, they act as if the gas my car consumes during the 50 yard drive from the door to the most convenient of public parking lots they coned off the entrances to is coming out of their own pocket?!!

I could walk to my downtown destination but crossing the street with my pasty skin glowing in the night could cause cars to think they were about to be hit by an oncoming motorist.

I would rather not risk the injury.


Blondes try to stear clear of accidents!!

5.07.2008

A Creepy Crawl


...by a creepy guy in my office waiting to ride the elevator with me when I come to work in the morning.

Why is it the ones that look like they keep their dead Mother stuffed and sitting in a rocking chair in the living room seem to find me?

This neo-fleeb is incredibly obese and we all know how I feel about someone who abuses their body. Dr. Phil would have backed me up on the hating really fat people before he became a fathead himself.

Anyhoo,

This walking 'heart-attack' with a permanent cast on his leg, and breathes like Darth Vader's illegitimate son sits in his serial killer Honda civic beater car waiting for me to pull in the parking lot. When he feels that is too obvious he waits in the men's room near the building door and waits until I walk by so he can ride the elevator with me.

I can't stand to look at him but he has no problem staring at me, scaring the bijeebeez out of me with that stalker breathing and he carries an extra cast...I am seriously spooked by him.

El problema con los individuos tiene gusto de esto is you can not be nice to them, not even once. They for the most part are invisible and if you shed their cloak by saying something to them, they feel invincible enough to harrass you. This whole thing got started because I didn't want to be rude when he said hello to me last week when I had the first displeasure of sharing space with him.

I generally do not like to be a mean person but I don't feel I have to be nice to every single loser that wants to freak me out. Today I walked into the building as he waited and stared at me, hoping I was coming his way. I simply rolled my eyes, sighed in disgust and went up the stairs.

I don't see why I have to be put out by this freak. Tomorrow if he is waiting again, I will have a talk with his boss. There is no reason for me to have to confront him. Its not my fault his chromosomes are missing the 'let's be normal' gene.


Blondes don't like all the attention!!

5.06.2008

Music Men


rocked my world last night!

After spending time alone with my men in an intimate setting such as the gorgeous Paramount Theater, I now know what I want in a man...

First, he has to have the sense of humorous stylings of the great Lyle Lovett, who by the way I totally have a huge crush on now. I loved him before but knowing he is funny makes him even better.

Second, he has got to have the coolness of John Hiatt. He is the quintessential story teller. Asked about the song Thunderbird, he told the audience how he and his friends stole a gold Thunderbird from a woman picking up pizza at the local pizzeria(this is in the year 1968). They drove the car around for a couple of weeks taking turns until one day an exact copy of the Thunderbird they stole and were driving happened to roll up next to them.

Taking notice becasue of the uncanniness they couldn't help but see the other Thunderbird had a personlized plate...'his'.
Guess what the license plate on the car they were driving had on it?


Third isn't a requirement but if you can jam like Joe Ely, you can do no wrong in my eyes. He is a little short and not too talkative but man can his voice get to your gut. I will definitely catch his next show--even if it is for the Republic Bike Rally thing.

Fourth, well their isn't a fourth but I did want to mention Guy Clark. He is a little too old for me and seemed tired but give him a break--actually he had one--his leg. Lyle is right--he is cooler than the Marlboro man. My favorite thing about his part of the show is how he left no stone unturned when it came to picking on the folks of California.

I enjoyed a glass of wine on the balcony of Stephen F and than went home. I was tired and all I could think of as I tucked myself in...was what an absolutely perfect night it was. The only thing better would to have been able to meet them for a night cap of music at Saxon.


Blondes know how to enjoy their time alone!!

5.05.2008

Going Solo


I am going solo to a concert tonight. I am going to hear the incredible music of Joe Ely, Lyle Lovett, Guy Clark and John Hiatt.

I could have drummed up a date for this event but I guess I didn't want to share the music with anyone. I love and respect the music so much, I didn't want anything to possibly ruin it and lately men have been ruining everything.

However, I know that all my faith in finding the right man for me will be restored with just one fabulous night alone with some of the great ones that have reached my top ten reasons to be a woman list.

Granted these boys aren't the prettiest to look at but since when did I ever care about the superficial stuff like age and looks.



They can croon me all night long.


Music makes a blonde world go round!

Got Milk?


Why get milk when you can have soda for all your nutritional needs? And it has twice the amount of artifical flavorings!!


Awsome!!! The World is more ridiculous than I am.


Real Blondes prefer to be natural!
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